Michelle's Raw Journey:
2005

Email: michelle at fromsadtoraw dot com
(not a clickable link to avoid spammers)

January 1, 2005, Saturday (Day 1) Day 1 of My Raw Journey

Food for Thought:

I'm not going to continue counting my days as I had in 2004. I'm starting over from today. Today is Day 1 of My Raw Journey, and Day 1 of the rest of my life. Oh, but you can wish me a happy One Year Anniversary on my Raw journey - since I did start it one year ago today.

I was pretty raw today. I say pretty raw, cause I had a few non-raw items - one at breakfast and a few at dinner. I did the 100% pure, from concentrate, juice thing for breakfast, which is not raw, it's cooked. Then at dinner I had a plain baked potato with chives and a bit of fat-free honey mustard dressing, sunflower seeds, black and green olives, and fat free raspberry vinaigrette dressing on my salad. Other than that? A pretty raw day. Late tonight, I actually considered having some stove-top popcorn while I watched the movie "Kissing Jessica Stein," but I didn't. I'm sure I'll still have the popcorn from time to time, but tonight I decided it would be great to start the new year and my new journey in a totally healthy manner, so I had a banana-almond butter snack instead.

Oh and a really really really interesting thing that's happening to me with my eating? When I'm eating salads now, I want the spring mix, you know the leafy field greens instead of the romaine. It used to be that I only wanted iceberg, then I progressed to romaine, then I progressed to romaine with a little field greens, and now I've progressed to field greens with a little romaine. Wow, what changes have happened to me. What will happen next?

Life is hard, the pain is intense. I'm doing lots and lots of things to try to work through this time in a healthy way. I'm very proud of the work I'm doing. Believe me, it's NOT easy. I'm not happy. But I know slow and steady "wins the race," whatever the hell that really means. Anyway, I've never dealt with things before, so it's a whole new experience for me. Shocking that I'm not using any addictive behaviors to process the pain, but I'm not. I'm crying, breathing, praying, talking, exercising, feeding my body healthy foods, and just trying to survive this and grow into the woman I'm supposed to be.

PS I didn't write out my new year's resolutions. They can best be summarized in this email that I shared with a friend:
.
In this new year, I want to create happiness, contentment, self-love, physical health and fitness, peace, serenity, self-awareness and acceptance, and change so many of the issues I had which destroyed my relationship so I can be open to new, healthy love in the future. Too much to ask? Hope not!

I'll be putting my new pictures up tomorrow. And guess what? I got contacts, so you'll get to see my eyes! (PS for all of you who hated my black glasses, I also bought some new frames that are way cool, and I'll wear those next month for you all to see - and of course, comment on).....

Here's an article that someone shared with me the other day, which I thought was really good.

<beginning of article>
Positive Energy: The Third Prescription
The Missing Piece to Overeating and Why Diets Fail
Dr. Judith Orloff MD,
Adapted from Positive Energy Harmony Books, April, 2004

As a psychiatrist and intuitive, I know that there is more to overeating and obesity that meets the eye. One big reason that many diets fail is that traditional weight loss programs don't factor in how we process subtle energy, what Chinese medicine terms life force or chi. Subtle energy penetrates and surround the body. Sensitive people who I call intuitive empaths unknowingly overeat in response to being overwhelmed by negative vibes. Empaths not only can sense energy around them, they absorb it into their bodies. If this is you, Positive Energy will teach you to center and protect yourself when the impulse to overeat hits.

Here's the energetic premise of obesity: When empaths are thin they have less padding, are more vulnerable to soaking up negative vibes. For instance, early twentieth century faith healers were renowned for being grossly obese to avoid absorbing their patient's symptoms-a common trap I've seen modern-day healers also unconsciously fall into; food is a convenient grounding device. Similarly, many of my patients pack on pounds to protect against overwhelming vibes, massive or minute. Energy is at the root of an empath's hunger. Whether your sensitivity to negative vibes is minimal or intense, for a diet to succeed it's important to develop alternative coping strategies other than overeating. In my book I will show you how to cope with negative vibes without abusing food. Whether accosted by an angry colleague or global threat, apply them immediately. Stick to those that work best for you.

8 Emergency Intervention to Halt Energetic Eating

When the impulse to overeat hits:

Identify an Addictive Craving from a True Need

            Addictive craving, a symptom of nutritional abuse, is a frequent response to energetic overload. Bottomline, you eat certain foods like a drug addict; this leads to obesity. Cravings feel intense: whenever you keep lusting after sweets and carbs especially, be suspicious. (I've yet to see someone binge on brussel sprouts!) For instance, chocolate turns from simple pleasure to crutch when you gorge on it, use it to self-medicate stress, or to get a sugar high--also if you experience mood-swings, sugar hang-overs, can't control your intake, or it makes you sick. With cravings, you eat to relieve stress, not to build energy. Try to identify addictive foods, and limit them

            A true nutritional need lacks such sturm and drang: there'sno lusting or lunging for food to guard against negative energies. A true need comes from a centered place, has nothing to do with soothing our emotions (comfort foods) or obsession.. Feeling healthily nurtured from food never involves mood swings--sedation or elation--rather an even feeling of satisfaction. A true need lets you enjoy your meal, optimizes energy, and doesn't lead to obesity.

Quickly pinpoint energetic stressors that trigger addictive cravings. Immediately ask yourself: Have I been exposed to bad vibes? A loud- mouth neighbor. An ordeal to pass through airport security. A siege of overbearing phone messages from your mother. Don't write off the "smaller" incidents which notoriously send empaths motoring to the refrigerator. Avoid panic. Methodically pinpoint cause and effect. You don't have to be victimized by negative energy. The trick is to clear it as soon as possible once you've been slimed.

Breathe Negative Vibes Out of Your System

            Take a five minute break for damage control. Slowly inhale and exhale. As you've learned, breath activates positive energy; it also releases negative vibes. Notice if they get stuck in a specific part of your body. For instance, negative vibes go straight to my gut; I feel irradiated by a toxic stun gun. Identify your vulnerable points. Then practice this

Visualization: Just as your lungs take in oxygen and expel toxic carbon dioxide, you're going to breathe in light and clarity, breathe out stress. Breathe in vitality. Breathe out fear. I also visualize negative vibes exiting through the spaces between the vertebrae in my lower back. You can try this too. Breathing out toxic vibes is a proactive cleansing process. You're in charge of the flow. Allow well-being to permeate every inch of you. Repeat this exercise until you're free of negative residue.

Pray to Release the Addictive Craving

            If you're gripped by a craving, go into praying-mode. For a few quiet moments breath slowly. Bring your awareness to your heart, and aim for self-compassion. The craving may feel impossible to handle, but that's okay. In this calm state ask your higher power lift it from you. No mental nudging needed. If you surrender your ego-involvement, this simple heartfelt request works like a charm. What you're doing is calling on a cosmically influential positive energy to supplant a material-world negative drive.

Take a bath or shower

            A speedy way to dissolve negative vibes is to immerse yourself in water. My tub is my refuge after a busy day: it washes away everything from bus exhaust to long hours of air travel, to personal unpleasantness. While you relax water works on you. It has alchemical cleansing properties which will purify your physical body and energy field.

Burn sage

            Just because vibes are invisible doesn't mean you don't eat over them. Try burning sage to counteract negative energy someone deposits in your office or home--a strategy that has kept pounds off my patients with a lot of people-contact in their space. Vibes accumulate, can cause stress if not eradicated. You may not realize that left-over subtle energies trigger addictive eating patterns, but these vibes subliminally wear at you. Sage has been used by ancients cross-culturally to purify locations. Burn it, and the desire to eat over lurking negative vibes will wane.

Visualize a Protective Shield Around you

Visualize white light surrounding every inch of you from head to toe so that negative energy cannot penetrate this shield and deplete your energy.

Eat with Attunement

            Develop a diet that satisfies your energetic needs. I'd like energy to motivate why you eat, more important than taste or any dietary dogma--a priority to impart to children. Whatever you put in you mouth, run by your energy meter; see what truly nourishes or depletes. Even foods you've shunned become more attractive when your experience their energy lift.

Food is no place to be passive. The interventions offered in Positive Energy will allow you to an active stance in eating healthily. You don't have to let poisonous energy lodge itself in you. To stay on top of your eating, do a daily check-in. Stay alert for cravings prompted by negative vibes. Watch your responses. I promise, your eating habits will change.
<end of article>

Food for Body:
- 1 c. squeezed apple juice, 1 braeburn apple, 1 banana
- 2 c. 100% pure, from concentrate, orange juice
- handful raw mixed nuts
- taste-testing the raw Brownie Bites I made
- glass of decaf iced tea
- 2 trips to the salad bar at Ruby Tuesday's: field greens with a bit of romaine, grape tomatoes, cucumbers, green bell peppers, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, fat free raspberry vinaigrette dressing, plain baked potato with chives and some fat free honey mustard drizzled on top, salt, pepper, caffeinated iced tea
- glass of decaf iced tea
- banana with almond butter, honey, walnuts

Exercise: walked with the pups for about 30 minutes, then went for a 1/4 mile run and a 1/4 mile walk by myself

January 2, 2005, Sunday (Day 2) Getting Out There

Food for Thought:

I needed this quote SO badly today - Thank you Rajashree for sending it to me.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. - Helen Keller

I forgot to mention that yesterday a woman named Karesa, from the Wholistic Life Center, came over to borrow my dehydrator for the weekend. She stayed for a bit and we visited. It was nice. I'm still working on getting to know people and to be open to new friendships.

Today, I followed Michelle and Dana to their church in Fayetteville. I haven' t been to a church since I was 15 years old. I have some major issues with church/organized religion/christianity. But even with my reservations, I decided to go and try out this church, 1.) because life is very painful right now and having support of others around me is important, 2.) because it's a gay church, obviously more open and non-traditional than most churches, and 3.) because I'm trying to step outside my box, outside my comfort zone. Aside from focusing on replacing "Jesus" and "Lord" with "God" and "Higher Power," it was really good. The people were cool - quite a bit older than me, except for two women, who seemed closer to me in age. I exchanged numbers with them and another woman - I guess this is me getting out there to make new friends, become involved in life again. Gawd, I can't seem to get in my head that my life is forever changed, and that I have to just accept this next chapter of my life, no matter how foreign it may seem.

I haven't had much of an appetite the last few days. I started my period today. No wonder I still feel fat, even though I know I'm losing weight from eating healthy when I do eat. No wonder I can not stop crying. Oh, well I guess I could be crying cause I'm dealing with life, huh? But yes, it doesn't help that I've started my period. I'm tired, my eyeballs and eye sockets are bloody bruised from crying, my head is throbbing, and I'm depressed. Detox, my period, and the emotional shit I'm processing are all wearing me out. I must take care of myself, be gentle, kind and patient with myself, and give myself lots of praise for doing the very best I can given the situation I'm in, the resources I have, and the lack of control I have over my present circumstances.

I found out today that another friend is going through a similar situation as I am. It was good to talk with her about it - for some reason it feels good to have someone to relate to, even if it is a sharing of something painful.

Late this afternoon, Michelle T. and I went to Panera for a late lunch/early dinner. My stomach has been growling, even when I can't seem to make myself eat enough to make it stop. I was glad to go there to eat though since I can eat healthy and enjoy the meal. They didn't have the vegetarian vegetable soup which I normally would have with half a Fandango salad, so I ordered a full Fandango salad instead. I said no roll and no gargonzola cheese on the salad, but then a few moments later changed my mind on the cheese. I decided to have it on my salad without issue. I feel very very healthy these days and a little gargonzola doesn't phase me - though I can feel the seering eyes of judgment baring down on my lax attitude on this next stage of my journey. Regardless, I can see that this year is going to be truly about progress, not perfection - about being healthier, not about being a Raw Guru or a 100% raw foodist. About being me. (Oh and I could have ordered a whole 'nuther salad, that one wasn't nearly enough, but at $6 a pop, I decided against it.)

Tonight we watched "Chocolat" - that's such a great movie. Now how is it that I've been a raw foodist for the last year, eating cacao for the last 6 months, and yet I've never realized that that entire movie is based on pure, raw cacao and its natural effects on the human mind and body. This quote is from the movie --- "Unrefined cacao - the Maya believed cacao held the power to unlock hidden yearnings and reveal destinies." Interesting, huh?

Several people who attended Tonya Zavasta's free lecture in Fayetteville last summer have emailed me to ask for her Spicy Red Cracker recipe that she served there. It's taken me a zillion years to get organized enough to track it down in her book, but I finally decided to do it tonight, since I'm getting tons of emails from people ready to start the new year on a healthy, raw track. Enjoy folks, she did wonderfully with this cracker recipe. (See below for link to recipe.)

Food for Body:
- 12 oz 100% pure, from concentrate, orange juice
- 12 oz smoothie: frozen dark sweet cherries, frozen bananas, young Thai coconut water and meat
- Panera: Fandango salad: lettuce, mandarin oranges, walnuts, garganzola cheese, fat free raspberry vinaigrette, caffeinated iced tea
- banana with almond butter, honey and walnuts
- glass of decaf iced tea

Exercise: swept and cleaned up porch, trimmed plants, threw out dead plants and old soil, cracked pots, etc., didn't go walking though - it was raining this afternoon, but that's not really an excuse - I was being poopy, though a good run or brisk walk would have done me some good

January 3, 2005, Monday (Day 3) Small Stones

Food for Thought:

The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones. - William Faulkner

That's me. I'm removing the mountain of weight I still have to lose one pound at a time. I weighed this morning at the office, and I've lost 3 pounds. I had gained all the way back up to 239 pounds and today I'm back down to 236. I can't wait til I can write that I'm back down to 233, then 230, then.....I'm so pleased with myself for going through such a tough time right now and still I'm choosing to eat healthy.

I went back to work today, first time working since the middle of December. Oh, I could have gotten used to a life of non-work. Or at least a life of non-office-work.

I ate really really well today, so proud - oh I guess I said that already above. Oh well, I'm just in shock that going through so much pain right now, I can still manage to make such healthy choices. My appetite is still not up, and my stomach seems to be sending out endless growls, but I'm doing all I can right now.

This evening after work, I made a cooked meal for Michelle T. and one for myself. I had a taste test of the soy milk, no-margarine mashed potato buds, and then ate two ears of boiled corn on the cob. Then Karesa stopped by to drop off the dehydrator, but she accidentally brought her brand new one instead, so she'll stop back over on Wednesday. She brought some of the falafel she had made using the dehydrator, and I had some later with a salad. It was absolutely delicious! I must get the recipe for that!!!! I had craved popcorn, but made the conscious decision to have a salad instead and I'm so glad I did. I feel great and really enjoyed it, eating every last bite.

As part of my growth and healing, I've started to fill my life with activities which will work on my mind, body and soul: a drop-in by Heather tomorrow over lunch, a CoDA meeting tomorrow night, a colonic on Wednesday evening, a dentist appointment over lunch on Thursday, a massage by a friend on Thursday evening, dinner with Michelle T. on Friday night, saying goodbye to Michelle T. on Saturday morning, plans with Heather on Saturday afternoon and the Raw Ozarks potluck Saturday night with her and hopefully Michelle D., church and bellydancing on Sunday, lunch plans with Amy on Tuesday, etc. I feel so fulfilled by the people who have come into my life and made me feel so special and wanted. It's such a strange thing - I've been isolating for so long, and now to be open to new friendships, new experiences, and new whatevers, it's strange....I'm learning to step outside the box, to say yes to plans that might be a little scary or otherwise intimidating, and to actually live in the moment and maybe even enjoy life again.

I just realized that the quote above doesn't just apply to weight loss for me. It's now applying to the whole process of grieving and moving on. All of those activities I'm planning are little stones that I'm carrying from my huge mountain of pain.

PS I haven't taken my raw-in-progress pictures yet - it's dark when I get home from work and I really need some light to get good shots.

Food for Body:
- 16 oz 100% pure, from concentrate, orange juice
- banana
- large salad: romaine, field greens, radishes, cherry tomatoes, green bell peppers, green olives, black olives, celery, carrots, raisins, sunflower seeds, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- small bowl Campbell's Tomato soup
- glass of decaf iced tea
- cup of decaf hot Earl Grey tea with honey and soy milk
- 3 raw brownie bites
- taste test of soy milk mashed potato buds
- 2 ears boiled corn on the cob
- 1/2 glass of decaf iced tea
- large salad: romaine, field greens, radishes, cherry tomatoes, green bell peppers, green olives, black olives, celery, carrots, green peas, raisins, sunflower seeds, Annie's Goddess Dressing, raw falafel
- 1/2 glass of decaf iced tea

Exercise: None, darnit

January 4, 2005, Tuesday (Day 4) Weathering the Storm

Food for Thought:

Oh boy, I went to CoDA tonight, the second Arkansas meeting I've been to since Boni and I broke up. Man, could that group BE any more codependent and unhealthy? I miss my Austin meetings!!! I really want to go to meetings where people aren't advice-giving, telling what they think about what other people say, etc. Who knows if I'll go back there or not, we'll see. I mean I like the readings, and it gives me a dedicated time to think about my codependence, but I have to figure out if it will be healthy for me or not to be around such "un-health."

I ate great again today. AND I lost another pound. I weigh 235 now. I'm so happy the weight is coming off, and not to mention that I'm on my period right now too. My salad tasted absolutely scrumptious this afternoon and I find myself craving healthy foods again. Wow, it's only been 4 days and miracles are starting to happen. You know, as I read the other journalers' journals, I'm seeing a trend of us all getting our lives back, getting back to a desire for healthy living. It must be some Raw pheromones or something.

I had a few really emotional outbursts today, being at work was very difficult for me. The days are so slow and painful. And although I hate to keep blabbing on and on about detox, I feel I was detoxing heavily today. Graphic note ------ I had BMs alllllll day long today. Maybe in preparation of the colonic I'm going to have tomorrow night? Who knows. Anyway, I was also soooooo very tired, I could barely keep my eyes open, I was crying off and on all day, I was achey and felt irritated at the world. Sometimes life seems unbearable and trying to get my body to accept going back to a healthy way of eating has not made life any easier. I look forward to getting past these tough days. The quote I received this morning seems perfect for today.

If you want to see the sun shine, you have to weather the storm. - Frank Lane

Food for Body:
- 16 oz 100% pure, from concentrate, orange juice
- banana
- salad: romaine, spring mix, green bell pepper, cherry tomatoes, green peas, green olives, cucumber, carrots, black olives, radishes, almonds, raisins, Annie's Goddess Dressing, raw falafel
- glass of decaf iced tea
- 1 lb red seedless grapes
- small bowl Campbell's tomato soup, raw falafel
- glass of decaf iced tea
- smoothie: young Thai coconut milk and meat, frozen bananas, frozen peaches, soy milk

Exercise: None

January 5, 2005, Wednesday (Day 5) Cleansing My Body and Soul

Food for Thought:

I forgot to mention that I watched "8 Mile" the other night. What a fantastic movie. I could relate to Eminem's character as a survivor. I see myself that way. What a motivational movie, we can overcome all things painful.

I took the day off from work today. I slept in until after 11 am. I guess I needed it. Some more emotional shit came up last night and I needed the rest, not to mention the detoxing that my body is still doing. I felt better after the rest and Michelle T and I went and ran some errands. Then we went to Fayetteville, where I had a late lunch at Ozark Natural Foods and picked up some more Annie's Goddess Dressing.

After I ate, I got another colonic. It's only my third time, but it feels like "old hat" now. I'm not uncomfortable or embarrassed or anything anymore. It's like it's no big deal. It's interesting though how each time I have one, the experience of what "comes out" is different. This time, it wasn't as much "poo" as it was mustard-colored mucous - sorry for the graphic detail, but you know how I am. The hydrotherapist said, and I have to agree, that it's probably because I've been eating healthy and raw for the last 5 days. I felt cleaned out though and that's all that matters. After the colonic, I drank some mineral water to replenish the electrolytes in my system, or something like that.

Later we went to Panera in Fayetteville for some hot tea and so I could write a card to my folks. My mom called me today and told me she went in for her check-up and they do not detect any cancer cells left. That's wonderful and I'm so happy for her, but I have to say it scares me that she might believe she can just go about living her life the way she was, not taking responsibility for her health and the prevention of a recurrence of the cancer. She's gone back to drinking coffee and is eating crappy foods, things that fill her up and give her calories but no nutrition. It makes me very sad. I bought her a canister of Teecino from the hydrotherapist's office today, but I'm sure once my mom gets it, it will just go into a cupboard, or she may even drink it, but only in addition to her regular lattes and such. I really hate sometimes how modern medicine and surgery gives people the false sense of freedom to do as they please with their bodies.

Tonight we finished watching "Frida" (my second time to watch it) and it's another "survivor" movie that I adore. Then we tried to watch "Amelie" (which I've also seen before) but the DVD was screwed up, so we watched "Under the Tuscan Sun" (my zillionth time to watch it) instead. What is it about these strong survivor type movies that draw me in? Duh, Michelle, because that's what I'm trying to be, a survivor.

So guess what I realized today, my cravings for crap have gone away. Now, I'm not saying they will always be gone, because that is simply not a reality. However, I'm so pleased to know that my desire for healthy eating, a fit and trim body, and a clear and free mind is outweighing the desire for crap cooked foods. I'm so pleased with the fact that even in my most trying times, the most painful moments, I'm not choosing to self-medicate with fried, breaded, dipped, and drenched cooked crap foods. I'm choosing to feel the pain, to embrace the hurt, to deal with life, not run/hide/escape from it. I'm being present, no matter how much I want to just bury myself in any number of addictions; no matter how much I'm crying, begging God to take away these intense feelings, just wanting to sleep away the pain (but working very hard NOT to do that). Ah, what lessons I'm learning on this journey.

Food for Body:
- 16 oz 100% pure, from concentrate, orange juice
- banana
- Ozark Natural Foods: plate of salad: leafy greens, spring mix, celery, black olives, cucumbers, raw cashews, sun-dried tomato vinaigrette, bottle of water
- 8 oz mineral water
- Panera: cup of hot green tea with honey and soy milk
- handful raw cashews
- whole can of Campbell's Tomato soup, raw falafel, 10 green olives
- glass of decaf iced tea
- banana with almond buttter, honey, walnuts

Exercise: None

January 6, 2005, Thursday (Day 6) A Healing Touch

Food for Thought:

I lost 1.5 more pounds today. That's a total of 5.5 pounds since I went back to healthy eating - less than one week ago. I now weigh 233.5.

I went to the dentist today. The tech was going on and on about how good my teeth and gums are, even considering what a grinder I am. Then lo and behold she says she found a cavity. I nearly fell out of my chair. How the hell can I have a cavity, I haven't drank cokes or sweet drinks, nor eaten candy, cakes, cookies in the last fricken year! I said granted, I do eat honey, agave nectar, dates and raisins, and she said those sugars, even though they are natural, break down the same way, and that probably caused my cavity. Dammit all to hell. Guess the theory of raw foodists having to really watch their teeth isn't just a myth. At least it's true for me. (I brush and floss all the fricken time, guess I gotta watch it even more though.) After talking with Dan, a raw foodist friend of mine, a few months back, and he told me how he went in to his dentist and made them take out all of the metal cavity fillings and replace them with whatever it is that's better for you, I decided I'd speak up and said, "I don't want metal fillings, ok?" He sorta laughed and said, "We don't use metal anymore." I said, "Oh, ok," and felt like a dork. So next Thursday I go get my cavity filled.

Tonight after work, Michelle T. and I drove to Fayetteville. I dropped her off at the mall and I went to my friend, Rajashree's house, for a free massage she offered me to help ease my emotional pain and the stress I feel under. Whoa, she was amazing. I've had a lot of massages in my adult life, and this one seemed different. It was different. She did this thing where she matched her breathing to mine, while she pressed on certain points of my body. I could feel these pressure points in my head (if she was doing them in my feet or legs) and in my feet (if she was doing them in my head or neck). It was so bizarre, and a complete calm and quiet came over me. This was the first massage I've had with absolutely no music in the background, only the low hum of the air unit coming on every so often and our breathing. I think at one point I fell asleep, and actually had a moment like on Charlie's Angels, where the bad guy awakens after Lucy Lu had massaged him unconscious. I forgot where I was for a moment and was completely empty of emotional pain, anxiety and tension. When I got up to leave the room, I could barely walk, as if the floor wasn't even beneath me. Walking down the stairs felt like I was floating. I looked at my face in the mirror when I got into the car and barely recognized myself. I believe the combination of a much needed massage, an incredibly gifted healer/spirit, and my openness to healing myself in all areas led to such an experience. Was the reality of my current life circumstances instantly resolved? No, of course not, but maybe I'm learning ways to handle life in a more peaceful, calm manner. Maybe I'm learning to react to life differently than I have in the past. Maybe I'm learning to take care of myself, even in times of great sorrow. Maybe I'm healing.

Food for Body:
- 16 oz 100% pure, from concentrate, orange juice
- banana
- Panera: large Fandango salad: romaine, leafy greens, mandarin oranges, walnuts, gargonzola cheese, fat free raspberry vinaigrette dressing, caffeinated iced tea
- 1 raw brownie bite
- large salad: spring mix, romaine, celery, carrots, green bell pepper, cherry tomatoes, radishes, green olives, black olives, raisins, almonds, raw falafel, Annie's Goddess Dressing, glass of decaf iced tea

Exercise:
None, but I did get a massage - that's moving my body

January 7, 2005, Friday (Day 7) Thank Gawd it's Friday

Food for Thought:

I lost 2 more pounds today. That's a total of 7.5 pounds this week! I now weigh 231.5.

I'm so glad it's Friday. I already need a break again. What's up with that? I don't have much to write today. Ate well, wish I could have avoided the popcorn, but I'm not terribly upset about it.

Oh I did have a horrid temptation this afternoon when I was leaving Diva's (a bead store) and a man was carrying pizzas in for a kid's pizza party. I'm glad I was leaving!

I found an article that really shows the benefits of Chamomile Tea. Glad I'm drinking it, as well as learning to like Green Tea.

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=97&ncid=97&e=8&u=/hsn/20050107/hl_hsn/
chamomileteamayhavemedicinalvalue (watch the URL wrap)

I found these quotes today on the Codependents Anonymous website. I liked them and thought I'd share.

- When you're going through Hell, don't stop!
- Do the thing you fear the most, and the death of fear is certain.

Food for Body:
- 24 oz 100% pure, from concentrate, orange juice
- 1 lb red seedless grapes
- 1/2 can Campbell's Tomato soup, raw falafel, glass of decaf iced tea, a few green olives
- Braeburn apple (mealy, I let it sit on my counter too long)
- small leftover salad from last night with Annie's Goddess Dressing, last of the raw falafel (waaaah!)
- 1/2 corn on the cob, boiled, sea salt, pepper, Butter Buds (it was nasty!)
- few almonds
- 1/2 glass of decaf iced tea
- 1 raw brownie bite
- smoothie: 24 oz Dole pineapple in its own juice, 1 young Thai coconut milk and meat, 1 1/2 frozen bananas, splash of agave nectar (oh my Gawd, this was SO good!!!)
- big bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt (shoot, I was trying not to eat it, but I didn't get to eat my 3 ears of corn on the cob earlier)

Exercise: None, still raining and cold, maybe tomorrow

January 8, 2005, Saturday (Day 8) Raw Ozarks Potluck

Food for Thought:

I took Michelle T. to the airport this morning. It will be strange to be alone again in the house, after having company since the middle of December. It'll be good for me to have some solitude (did I almost type solitary confinement? surely not!) and alone time to work on my healing. Things have changed a lot for me in the last few weeks and I guess I'm having to get used to those changes, good and bad.

I made raw potato chips for the potluck tonight and decided to also bring the Brownie Bites I had made this week. I went into Fayetteville early and met Heather for tea at The Perk, a coffee/tea place that I'd never been to before. It's strange to be doing activities like my old days in Austin. It's strange to do them without Boni, to be quite honest. We had a really nice time, talking, and getting to know one another. I liked the tea, and the whole "having tea" experience. I get why the British do that each "afternoon," or is that just a glamorous belief we Americans have about them?

After we had tea, Heather rode with me over to the potluck. It was a huge one this time. Or it seemed so anyway. There were maybe 25-30 people in Rajashree's townhouse. It was wonderful, people seemed so close and family-like ---- family in the good sense of the word, haha. Anyway, it was so pleasing to me to watch everyone getting to know one another, finding little commonalities with each other, oohing and aahing over each others' recipes. The food was awesome, and my favorite of the night was Sue's Raw Turtles, an amazing chocolate nut coconut oil recipe that beats the shit out of any raw candy/cookie treat I've purchased commercially. Nature's First Law, you'd better snatch up Sue's confection, before she runs all those other ones you're selling outta town! These are heavenly, shocking how much they taste like a Fannie Mae or Russell Stover's chocolate delight. I can't stop gushing over them, sorry, guys, but this really is one of the best I've had. I'll be posting the recipe very soon.

At the potluck, several people commented on how different I'm looking, my hair, my eyes, my body, overall appearance. Darlene, an energy worker, even commented that I'm glowing. I told her I actually wanted to get some energy work done, and she said it doesn't look like I need any. That was pretty surprising, and I appreciated the compliment. It feels good to be feeling good about my looks again. I actually am starting to feel pretty again. What a change from 1 year ago!

I came home tonight around 9:45 pm, and it was strange, very strange to be in a quiet, dark house. I guess I'll really have to get used this again. It was nice to spend the rest of the evening, putting away laundry, picking up the house, checking and responding to emails. The house is cold, ever since it snowed the other day, and I'm noticing that I need heat on more than I used to. Losing weight is starting to impact my body temperature. I'm having to bundle up a lot more, and turn the heat up more now.

So this is my horiscope for today: Take a chance and you'll be able to broaden your horizons and enjoy increased potential and maximized rewards. Now is no time to hold back.

So tomorrow I'm going to go to Fayetteville and try another "gay" church. I called a friend of mine and she called a friend of hers who goes to that church and that woman is going to meet me there in the morning, so I'll feel more comfortable. THIS my friends is me taking a chance. I'm broadening my horizons, and hopefully going to enjoy blah blah blah, what all that quote says. Anyway, I'm doing things differently. I'm stepping outside my comfort zone. I'm nervous trying new things, but it's good for me. We'll see how it goes.

Food for Body:
- 20 oz 100% pure, from concentrate, orange juice
- The Perk: 2 pots of Serene decaf hot tea with honey and soy milk
- Raw Ozarks Potluck: 1 plate of a variety of raw gourmet dishes, a few extra pieces of Sue's delicious raw chocolate Turtles (gawd those are damn good!!!), few sips of mango-banana-orange smoothie and a few sips of water, contents of 2.5 maca capsules that Karesa had poured out testing to see how many capsules made a teaspoon
- few sips Light Hawaiian Punch (ugh! what was I thinking!)
- a few raw almonds, a few raisins

Exercise:
None, I'd really like to start again tomorrow. Actually I will be, cause I start back to bellydancing tomorrow night

January 9, 2005, Sunday (Day 9) Picture Day

Food for Thought:

I went to a new church today, Spirit of Peace at the United Campus Ministries on the University of Arkansas campus. The woman I mentioned last night met me there today and she was super nice, everyone was actually. I liked the service, aside from some pretty traditional "religious" rituals that were done. But hey, that's church, and that's something I'll have to figure out if I'm willing to work around or not. I loved the people though, and went to lunch with them afterwards. It was fun, but at one point, I found myself doing that bullshit so many raw foodists do, overtalking about the raw lifestyle and the crap Americans eat, blah blah blah. I hate that I did that. I don't want to be like that. I wish I'd kept my mouth shut about the raw thing and healthy eating til a few visits down the road. What a turnoff it can be! Sorry universe for being a little miss superior when it comes to my "diet."

I had plans this afternoon to help a friend on her computer, but her husband ended up not wanting her to put her personal stuff on the computer, so we said we'd reschedule for another time when we could work on her friend's computer. Instead I did some stuff around the house, like refill bird feeders, pick up, took new pictures of me, and hung with the pups.

So there's my newest picture, up there at the top of the screen. Or you can click here to see the full progress photos. 231 pounds, 1 year on my raw journey. I hate saying 1 year raw, cause really, I'm not "raw." I feel like I live a healthy life, not a raw life. I also consider it "high raw", but according to what most raw foodists call high raw, I'm not high raw. Anyway, I feel like a high amount of my food intake is raw, but definitely healthy, regardless. I hate that bullshit about labeling ourselves anyway. What a trap we fall into! I'm a healthy eater, that's all I need to say. Back to the pictures. So I feel thinner, I feel more attractive, and I feel like I'm starting to look like my younger pictures. Below is a close-up picture of my eye.



You can really see that the red bloodshot lines have started to fade away. I'm wearing contacts now, though, like I've said earlier, I did get new glasses, so I'll be sure to post a pic of me in my glasses soon. I really like how my eye color is starting to get even more vivid. I feel like I'm at an opthomologist's office though, looking at my eyeball that close-up. Freaked out yet? I'm staring at you! Hehe, guess my sense of humor is coming back a little bit, eh?

This afternoon, Michelle D. came over for a short visit before I went bellydancing. We visited and it was nice to hang out with her. I made us a nice salad for dinner and she got to try Annie's Goddess Dressing for the first time. I swear I should get commission from Annie, so many people read my journals and go buy it. It's some damn good shit!

Tonight I went bellydancing. I wondered how my body would react after having not had classes for the last month. It picked right back up! I felt great, danced freely, moved muscles I've not moved before and even did a back bend from a standing position! My instructor was impressed and I helped encourage her to do one for the first time from a standing position as well. It was cool! I shimmied a lot to work my ab muscles and she said I'm really really getting it down good. She seems pretty impressed with my overall progress so far. I'm feeling so free with my body and not so scared to move it and show it.

Tonight I watched "L.A. Story." Remember that 90s movie with Steve Martin and Sarah Jessica Parker, before she was popular? I love that movie. I bought it for $5.50 at Wal-Mart tonight when I went grocery shopping. It's late now and I need to get to bed, so I can be rested for another busy week.

Oh, I didn't talk about my healing, growth and progress on dealing with the break-up. What can I say? I'm dealing with it. Not happy, but not as sad as I have been in days past. I'm learning to accept that if this is the way life has to be, then what the hell can I do about it? Nothing. Let go, breathe, and pray. That's about it.

Food for Body:
- banana
- 16 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- Restaurant on the Corner: small dinner salad: romaine, raspberry vinaigrette dressing (yep, that was the extent of it), bowl of tomato soup, caffeinated iced tea
- 1 1/2 plates of salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- glass of decaf iced tea
- handful almonds, raisins
- handful red seedless grapes

Exercise:
1 hour bellydancing

January 10, 2005, Monday (Day 10) Back to Work

Food for Thought:
Work today. Did not want to go. Overslept, hated being at work today. I did good, I mean, I was focused and got a lot done, but I wasn't happy. After work I ran a few errands, went home and hung out by myself, with the pups. My inbox was overflowing today with wonderful notes of praise and support for my latest pictures. Thank you everyone! It is pretty bizarre to look at my Day 1 picture next to my 1 Year picture. I swear I want to take that old ugly picture down and destroy it, not wanting anyone who meets me now to see how I used to be. But as a dear friend said to me a little while back, "I'd better not forget where I came from. I'd better not forget what it's like to be fat." She's right you know. The only way for me to keep moving forward is to look back every once in a while.

PS I didn't lose any more weight this weekend, which is surprising to me, considering how well I've eaten. Oh well, tomorrow's another day.

Food for Body:
- 16 oz, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- banana
- navel orange
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, green bell pepper, raisins, walnuts, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- glass of decaf iced tea
- random bites of red seedless grapes, walnuts, raisins
- banana with almond butter, honey, walnuts
- smoothie: jar of Dole pineapple and pineapple juice, 2 frozen bananas (way too frothy, should have added coconut milk or soy milk)

Exercise: None

January 11, 2005, Tuesday (Day 11) Subway Sucks

Food for Thought:

I weighed at work today, and haven't lost anymore weight. I'm a little disappointed, but I know as healthy as I'm eating, the weight will start to fall off again. I've noticed it does that. It will fall off a pound a day or so for a while, then nothing for a while, then start up again. I just can't wait til I can say two-twenty-something, instead of two-thirty-something.

A friend picked me up and took me to lunch today at Subway. Subway Sucks! I used to love it! Remember how I was eating it almost every day? Well I ordered a salad today, but the rumor that Subway was discontinuing romaine lettuce, became a reality, when my only choices were shredded iceberg and spinach leaves. I had a mix of those two lettuces (neither of which I care for), and then, just as I was about to be ok with my salad, the preparer let me know that Subway is also discontuing the almond packs. What the hell? No fricken almonds, no good lettuce? Is this not the place that touts "Eat Fresh?" Isn't this the place that is all about eating healthy? It doesn't matter, this is supposed to be a place I can have a yummy, healthy meal. I ate my meal with a scowl on my face, well not really, cause I had good company, but still it definitely was unsatisfactory. Well screw it, I'm not going back there anymore. So much for a cheap, fast place to get a healthy meal.

I was gonna go for a walk or a run when I got home from work, then I was gonna go to a CoDA meeting. However something came up, so I didn't end up doing either. It's ok though, my night went just as it was supposed to.

Tonight a new email friend sent me her before and after pictures from her healthy life changes she's made. She weighed 310 to start and now weighs 210 and still has another 40 she wants to lose. Just like me!!!!!!!!!! She's not doing raw, but definitely a healthier approach to living. It was so awesome to see her pictures, I mean she doesn't even look like the same person, like me! I emailed her back asking if she would consider letting me post her pics directly in my journal, cause regardless of her method, she has overcome obesity, and I'm so proud of her. She said yes. Congratulations Steph!



Just in case people were interested in learning more about the dressing I eat all the time, Annie's Goddess Dressing, click here for Annie's website.

I got this in my email inbox the other day. It's from the Yoga Daily Journal, but it really could apply to this or any lifestyle changes. I thought it was really good and a principle I'm working to put into place.

A Gentler Approach to New Year's Resolutions

If you struggle every year with resolutions to lose weight or get back in shape, it might be worth taking a different approach in 2005. The beginning of the year is an auspicious time to incorporate the yogic value of loving kindness—towards yourself as well as others—into your wellness plan.

Taking a gentle approach to diet and exercise regimens helps us see that there's no point to the self-judgment that often accompanies failure to stick to them. Turning down the volume on self recrimination makes that energy available for other activities—like taking good care of yourself. When you fall off your plan, what's truly important is that you allow yourself to start the next day fresh, viewing it as a new opportunity to honor yourself. Try unrolling your yoga mat before you go to sleep so that you feel invited back to your practice in the morning. To make it super easy, pop in a DVD. Consider Yoga Journal's Step-by-Step home practice series, the first workshop-quality yoga DVD series on the market. Rated "Best Yoga Video of 2004" by the St. Louis Dispatch and the "cream of the exercise video crop" by Real Simple magazine, the Step-by-Step series allows you to grow into your practice safely with top-notch instruction from "Beginner's Guru" Natasha Rizoplouos. Session 1 teaches classic and invigorating sun salutations; session 2 focuses on flexibility, and session 3 is a sound approach to inversions and balances. Honor yourself in the New Year with a gentler approach—and build real momentum towards your goals.

Food for Body:
- 16 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate orange juice
- Subway: veggie salad (if you can call it that): shredded iceberg, black olives, green bell peppers, tomatoes, Fat Free Honey Mustard dressing, caffeinated iced tea
- orange
- 1 lb. red seedless grapes
- glass of decaf iced tea
- large salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, green bell pepper, raisins, walnuts, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing

Exercise: None, but I thought about it

January 12, 2005, Wednesday (Day 12) Just the Facts, Ma'am

Food for Thought: Have none today. Not really, but none I wanna share.

Weight: 231 pounds

Food for Body:
- 24 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- glass of decaf iced tea
- banana
- Brioso Brazil: caffeinated iced tea, 1 plate of salad: romaine, leafy greens, celery, cucumber, red bell pepper, cherry tomato, sweet gherkins, creamy pasta salad, green olives, black olives, roasted/salted cashews, raisins, Fat Free Blueberry Poppyseed dressing, another small bowl of creamy pasta salad, raisins and cashews
- nothing else the rest of the day - had a hard evening

Exercise: None

January 14, 2005, Friday (Day 14) A Night Out

Food for Thought:

Woohoo! I weigh 230 pounds! That's 9 pounds lost in exactly 2 weeks, since I've gone back to raw, healthy eating. I can't wait to see how my body transforms over the next few weeks. Hopefully my next weekday report (since I only weigh at the office) I'll be in the two twenties. Yes! PS I was sore today and walked funny all day at work.

I went out tonight with friends. It was the first outing that I've had - I mean a real night out. Dinner with 5 other women, then we went over to another couple's house and hung out with them. It was weird, but good. I had a great time. It was just so strange, you know? Not sure what all I think, I guess I'll have to let this all sink in.

For dinner we went to Outback Steakhouse, one of my absolute favorites. I ignored the yummy pumpernickel bread on the table and had the waiter keep the croutons and cheese off my salad, even though those croutons are homemade and incredibly savory. I also managed to have a plain baked potato with some A1 and some plain steamed veggies. They have THE best steamed veggies of anywhere I've ever had. Ever, seriously. Heaven, that's what those are. I oohed and aahed over my veggies while everyone else, pretty silently, ate their steaks. It's so interesting to find such pleasure in food, when it used to be such a "sin," when it was crap cooked.

Later, at the friends' house, the hosts offered coffee and cake. I hadn't been offered cake in a long time, it wasn't really hard to say no, but of course I thought about it for a moment. Even went through the justification of "it's rude to say no, when offered." But I didn't. I asked about hot tea instead of coffee, but what they had was caffeinated and it was already nearly midnight, so I declined and had some water instead.

I was thinking today about how normally I go right into conversation about From SAD to RAW, after how I eat becomes a discussion point. With this group of people, I haven't. I'm having issues of shame from how I used to look. I have huge problems worrying that people will identify me as a fat person who's trying to be thin...instead of how *I* see myself, as a fat-child-turned-thin-teen-turned-fat-woman-turned-healthy-woman. I'm fearful of any identifier actually. I just want to be who I am now, but who I WAS I guess made me who I AM. Anyway, I haven't given out my From SAD to RAW business cards or even mentioned my website yet. I hate to think what that's saying about me.

This was Today's Inspiration that came in my email inbox.
"Dance like no one is watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like no one is listening, Live like it's heaven on earth." - William Purkey

Yesterday I bellydanced like no one was watching. I don't know about the love like you'll never be hurt. I'm still loving and I have been hurt. As for singing <laughing as I type this>, I guess I really did sing like no one was listening - I was on my way home last night from bellydancing and I was behind a school bus. I was blaring Julie Roberts' "If You'd Have Called Yesterday," and I was singing at the top of my lungs. I look up to see a bunch of school kids laughing their asses off at me. What a geek I am! As for the last part, "Live like it's heaven on earth," guess that will just take some time.

This was today's Yoga Journal Daily that came in my email inbox. I need to pay attention to this, big time.

Reflection: Devotion

Some schools of yoga practice the yoga of devotion, or bhakti yoga. This involves dedicating some part of life or your day to something outside of yourself. It doesn't have to be a higher power, but could instead be someone you know in your daily life.

This practice allows you to transcend your individual struggle in the recognition that you are focused on something outside yourself. In other words, it makes it easier for you to get through challenging times because you know you have a higher purpose.

Try it this week. Each morning, pick someone you know who might need some extra love or support. As you go about your day, this of that person as often as possible. Send him or her your kindest intentions. Then whenever you get frustrated or tired, remember the person you dedicated your day to. You'll find internal strength while sharing your devotion with another.

Food for Body:
- 16 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing, decaf iced tea
- Outback Steakhouse: caffeinated iced tea, salad of iceberg, cucumber, tomatoes, honey mustard dressing, cracked pepper, steamed veggies and a plain baked potato with chives and A1 sauce
- iced water

Exercise: None

January 16, 2005, Sunday (Day 16) The Journey

Food for Thought:

Today was all about my journey to health...nature and community at the Wholistic Life Center, raw groceries at Ozark Natural Foods, herbal tea at Common Grounds, spirituality at Family of Faith, and herbal tea again at Starbucks. What a day I've had.

This morning, Michelle D. came over and we drove to Washburn Missouri to the Wholistic Life Center. We met Karesa there, who works and lives there, for a tour of the 907 acre grounds. It is breathtaking. Lakes, creeks, winding roads, old stone buildings, prairies, fields and woods, rock ledges with ice formations hanging off of them, just peace, quiet, nature. Everyone greeted us with hugs, not handshakes, a sense of comfortableness that I'm slowly getting used to in the various communities I've become a part of. We visited the massage school and for about half a second I considered what my life would be like if I attended the school and became a massage therapist. Nah, I think I like massaging the mind more than I do the body. I'm a psychologist at heart you know...or maybe a sociologist, not sure really. I just love watching people and learning why they do the things they do - what they think, what they feel, how they deal. Tangent, sorry.

We had lunch there, and Karesa invited me into the kitchen to help prepare our meal. I put on an apron and felt just like I was at camp in the community kitchen. What a strange life it must be to live in a community, instead of a home - to live with dozens instead of one other. Karesa had saved raw cucumber soup from the night before, so we enjoyed a bowl of that. Both Michelle D. and I had our reservations, though I could see it more on Michelle's face than my own. I've got a great poker face when it comes to social settings. I tried a spoonful and swallowed it whole, not really enjoying it. The next spoonful however, tasted different - or did I just taste it differently? I liked it. I took a bite of the raw sour cream, which normally would have freaked me out - anything fermented still freaks me out. But it was heavenly. I lapped up the whole bowl and had seconds of sour cream. I was still hungry and kept eyeing the loaded baked potato plates of the other staff members and guests. I debated for a few minutes, until Karesa mentioned that salad would be coming soon. I didn't care about the salad at that moment, I wanted a baked potato. As rude as it might have been, when Karesa worked so hard to be sure to keep enough cucumber soup and ensure salad for her raw guests, I asked if I could have a potato. She said, "Sure, if you want one," leaving me feeling like I was a big ole' loser for wanting one. I sensed disappointment in her voice, but overlooked it as I cut into a potato and added green onions, green bell peppers, pepper, and a homemade tahini dressing. It was delicious and I finished it off completely. I, of course, was full then, and didnt make a salad, for which I should feel REALLY badly. Oh well, I eat what I want. I ate the cucumber soup, enjoyed it; ate the potato and enjoyed it. Sorry, Karesa :)

After lunch, Karesa asked if I wanted to stay for the support group, and although I really did, I already had plans with another friend that afternoon, so I said I'd be sure to come back another time. I dropped Michelle D. off at her house, which we discovered was a lot closer than we realized. I went home, let the pups out and pretty much turned around and headed out the door to pick up a friend to go to Fayetteville. We went to Ozark Natural Foods for me to pick up some more Nag Champa incense, Avalon Organics lavendar conditioner, brazil nuts, cashews, sunflower seeds, chick peas (I'm gonna make that delicious falafel from Juliano's book that Karesa brought me a few weeks ago), and some Garden of Life coconut oil. Unfortunately, they were out of the coconut oil , which was really what I wanted, so I could make Sue's Chocolate Turtles this week. We left and realized we still had plenty of time before the church service we were going to at 5:00, so we headed downtown to have tea/coffee. We decided on Common Grounds, a great bar/coffeehouse right on Dickson Street. I ordered decaf Earl Greyer hot tea, and tried to order some of their fabulous Super Natural granola with blueberries and strawberries, but they were out. Just as well, I sorta felt weird ordering granola anyway - though I'm not sure why - I mean it's a grain, it's natural, it's healthy, and I'm not 100% raw. My thought processes on what I find ok and not ok on my cooked % is such a phenomenon, really.

We went to Family of Faith, which is another gay church service, that I was wanting to try. It was pretty much the same as the other two I've been to. The people are nice and huggy, but the traditional part of the service just isn't really my thing. They say things as a whole congregation like, "Christ died. Christ is risen. Christ will come again." I feel like it's a cult chanting some monotone mantra. I kinda wanna laugh when I hear it (sorry, God). Anyway, I've said before the whole "Jesus, Christ, Lord, Savior, Bible" thing really isn't my thing. It's ok, I'm not upset that I don't "belong" there. I don't belong anywhere right now, and I'm ok with that. Shocking that I'm ok with that, but I am. Growth, it's the damndest thing, aint it? Next weekend I'm going to go back to that same church, but for the morning Unitarian service - gay friendly, not gay.

On my way home from dropping off my friend, Boni called and asked if I wanted to go have tea. I ran home and let the dogs out and then went by and picked her up to go to Starbucks. We had a nice time talking - we're trying to heal some of the things from our past. Sometimes I have to stop and take a breath. My life has changed so much over the last year, even more so in the last 6 months, and tremendously in the last 6 weeks. This journey never ceases to amaze me.

Food for Body:
- 16 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- Wholistic Life Center: raw cucumber soup with raw sour cream, baked potato with chives, green bell peppers, a homemade tahini dressing, pepper
- Common Grounds: decaf Earl Greyer hot tea with honey and soy milk
- Starbucks: herbal Lotus tea with honey
- handful raw cashews (raw as in raw nuts, but you know they were heated in processing)
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing, decaf iced tea

Exercise: None

January 17, 2005, Monday (Day 17) Things are Looking Up

Food for Thought:

I weighed this morning. There it is folks. 229.5 - I'm under 230! I'm so happy. That was the most wonderful feeling in the world to see all of my hard work paying off. What a wonderful feeling! And look at how I'm eating? I'm eating so healthy. Nothing crappy since the beginning of January. Holy shit! And I'm not really having to try. It's just coming naturally. It's like I told a friend the other day on the phone. We keep eating shit, til we don't. It has to come when we're ready, we can't force it. And if we end up slipping and eating some shit, so be it. Tomorrow's another day. I had to stop controlling my eating, to stop being controlled by it.

I went to Nature's Harmony today during lunch to pick up some Garden of Life Coconut Oil. I'm gonna make Sue's Chocolate Turtles tonight, I think. I've been craving them ever since the last raw potluck. Isn't it interesting how we're using SAD names for raw recipes - I mean it's so wonderful, but sometimes I feel I have to clarify every single time I mention I'm having ravioli, or spaghetti, or falafel, or chocolate candy - that it's RAW, not cooked. That it's good for me, not bad for me like a Hershey bar. It's weird. I guess we all have it, cause when I read through the other's journals, I have to remind myself that the "breads," "onion rings," "tortes," "cookies," etc that people are eating are NOT cooked, they're raw. Maybe one day I won't care what people might think and just get over it. Strange though, isn't it? I guess it's still my guilt over thinking people will think I'm "cheating" on my "diet" if I say I had chocolate turtles for dessert. Ah the life of a raw foodist...

Today, before I left work, I made a plan for the evening. I didn't have plans with anyone, so I wanted to 1.) go home and let the dogs out and put my workday things away, 2.) take the dogs for a walk, then take myself for a run, 3.) make a big salad for dinner, and 4.) go to Panera to have hot tea and journal and read and work on the computer. I kinda half-heartedly believed I'd actually keep myself motivated enough to do all of those things. It's really cold right now - like in the mid 20s (cold for me!), so I wondered if I wouldn't get all warm in the house when I got home and sit down with my computer and the tv and decide not to go. But I didn't. I did exactly what I said and felt so super after my run. I had my salad, took a refreshing shower, and even still thought maybe I'd just snuggle in with the pups and watch tv. But I didn't. I got dressed, hair wet, and drove myself down to Panera. It was after 8 pm and I didn't know they closed at 8, so I reluctantly went to Starbucks. I really like Panera and I love that they have free internet access. Anyway, I went to Starbucks, did some journaling on the site, updated some stuff on the site, had tea, went through my backpack of paperwork, and ended up staying there until 10:00 when they closed. I didn't read, nor journal, which was really my point, as I had a lot of things I needed to process. But it was all ok. I did what I was supposed to do.

I had a wonderful day and am feeling really good. Some great things are happening in my life right now, that I'm not quite ready to talk about - maybe soon.

Food for Body:
- 24 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- banana
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, green bell pepper, raisins, walnuts, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- decaf iced tea
- orange
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, walnuts, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- decaf iced tea
- Starbucks: herbal Lotus tea with honey
- several small pieces of raw Sue's Chocolate Turtles (oh man, am I ever gonna regret learning how to make THAT recipe!)

Exercise: 1.5 mile walk/run (ended up running 1 mile of it and walking .5 mile of it - walk/run of and on)

January 18, 2005, Tuesday (Day 18) Runnin, Who'd a Thunk It?

Food for Thought:

I've been exercising again, and it feels so good. I can't believe how my energy is starting to pick up and my desire to exercise is coming back.

Boni asked if we could get together tonight and watch the season premier of American Idol, an old tradition we used to have every Tuesday/Wednesday night. I said yes, but that I was going to run first. I made the commitment to stick to what my goal was, and my goal for today was to run again. I decided not to take the dogs on a walk first, because I had limited time before she was coming over. I started out running my normal route - down to the Walton's house, back around one of the Bogle's houses, back up to the top of the hill by my house. I ran the whole way, not stopping once, even to pet the horses, which I normally would do. When I got to the top of the hill, I stopped running and walked for half a block to the other neighborhood I like to run in. When I got there, something inside me just picked up my feet and I started running again. I had my tiny MP3 player going the whole time, and I have to say, the music did it for me. Having a distraction, not being able to hear the outside world, and especially not being able to hear my own panting and wheezy breath helped tremendously. I was in a zone, I was focused on the music, not on my body or the cold, or the tired I might have been feeling. That is definitely the way for me to exercise, listening to music. I never had tried that before when I walked/ran, and it made all the difference. So I ran for a while, then stopped and walked another half a block, but picked right up again and ran the rest of the way til I got home. I felt invigorated and almost did a Rocky Balboa imitation on my front lawn. I felt like a champ and was so proud of myself! I can do this! I can overcome this stupid ass obesity, I can be as fit and trim as I was in high school, and this time, not accompanied by an alcohol-induced stupor or a cigarette-laden raspy voice.

I weighed again this morning, and was pissed off that I'd actually gained half a pound (230 pounds), but my coworker reminded me that blah blah blah, "muscle weighs more than fat." Yada yada - come on - I still have fat to lose, how can muscle be taking over already? I hate that bullshit line of muscle weighs more than fat. I really think that must be a myth we all tell ourselves when we gain weight. Screw that. I do NOT want the number to go up, I want it to go down, dammit! I've been eating incredibly for the last 18 days, I've started exercising again - walking/running/bellydancing and yet I'm not losing more weight. Screw you, Scale!!! I will defeat you little fucker!

(Yikes, a little hostility-monster has seeped into my brain!)

For some personal news, Boni and I are trying to work things out. We're taking it slow and giving each other the room we need to do this in a healthy way. If you are interested in seeing what our astrological compatibility is (which we both found incredibly interesting), click here. I'm very happy with this next chapter and hope to be able to continue healing, while nurturing the relationship Boni and I are trying to build. A new start.

Yesterday's daily inspiration was perfect for me.

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough. - Meister Eckhart

I've been learning to say thank you and have gratitude for the things in my life - the good and the bad.

Then today's daily inspiration was even more perfect, as I'm learning to really listen, an art at which I have never been very good.

Hearing is one of the body's five senses. But listening is an art. - Frank Tyger

I'm quite amazed at how all of the daily horoscopes, daily inspirations and messages I've been receiving have been so relevant to me. Things are not just coincidence and all the work I've been doing to heal and grow is paying off in such a big way. I feel like a perennial flower who dies and stays dormant, all the while doing work to be able to grow and bloom again in the Spring - the cycle of life.

Food for Body:
- 32 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- banana
- bowl of Campbell's tomato soup
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- glass of decaf iced tea
- a few cashews and brazil nuts out of the dehydrator
- several Chocolate Turtles
- glass of decaf iced tea
- several Chocolate Turtles
- orange
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- glass of decaf iced tea
- several Chocolate Turtles

Exercise: 1 mile run/.5 mile walk (wow, this feels great! I can not believe I'm doing this!)

January 19, 2005, Wednesday (Day 19) I Must Be an Infomercial for Running

Food for Thought:

Argh, fricken scale must have read my journal entry from last night. I gained another half a pound (230.5 pounds). Ok, I'm gonna stop freaking out. I'm gonna just say I'm PMSing. When was my period last month? Oh I guess I just had it on January 2nd, well great, that's not a valid excuse. Ok, enough whining (oops, an emailer just commended me for not being a whiner and here I am whining about my weight)....It's ok. I'm exercising and I'm eating like a health fiend, what fricken more can I ask of myself? Nothing!

Alright, time for some graphic stuff. Gas is upon me. BMs are non-stop. It's either the Annie's dressing or the Raw Chocolate Turtles that I'm overindulging in - or a combination of the two. Let me tell ya, my BMs may be floating - as we're told they should if we're eating high raw - but they are happening way too often for me to enjoy. And my gas, my gawd, I'm going to kill the army still over in Iraq. It's not right. I remember when I was high raw before, no gas, none, nada, zilch. Now, my gas is just over the top. Ok, I'm grossing myself out, but I just had to be honest. It's not all roses, folks! Sure doesn't smell like it anyway.

I went running again tonight before bellydancing at 7:00. I took the dogs for the usual half mile walk down by the horses, dropped them off at home and took off for my run. This was the best run I've had so far. Didn't stop once the entire time, not even to cross a busy intersection, jogged in place til I could dart through traffic. I kept saying, "If I want to stop, I'll stop at the next cross street." Then the next cross street would come and I'd say, "If the next song is a slow one, I'll stop and walk." And the next song would be fast, as if my God Trainer was chanting me on. I didn't even stop when I got to my front yard, I made myself run all the way up to the side door on my house, like it was a finish line or something. I hope I'm not going on and on too much about this running thing, but this is one of the greatest accomplishments this body has seen in a long ass time! Oh, I will admit that I had been guestimating my distance the last few days, cause I hate wearing the stupid pedometer that falls off all the time. Therefore, tonight after my run, as I was leaving to go to bellydancing, I decided to drive my car on the route I take each day. It measured at 1.4 miles - not 2 like I'd thought. Oh well. I'm calling it 1.5 miles cause that 1/10 of a mile is the areas that my car couldn't get to. I've gone back and corrected my last few days entries. I'm still super happy with running a mile and walking 1/2 mile. It's such a great feeling and doesn't take me long at all to do. Quick, easy workout - my heartrate gets up for a reasonable amount of time, my stomach is already getting noticeably flatter, my thighs and calves are getting tighter, and I hurt in wonderful places! I can really understand why runners do this. The high is sensational. After I ran to the side door, I walked around the yard catching my breath and letting my heartrate come back down. Then I walked to the backyard and laid on the hammock, staring up at the limbs of the trees and the hazy cloud-covered moon. The sky was breathtaking, the air was crisp and clean, everything seemed alive. And I felt so at peace. Nothing else seemed to matter in that moment. I just laid there feeling the breeze on my flushed face, and goosebumps covered my arms from the fact that I was so hot from running but so cold from the night air. What an exhileration. I must not stop doing this for myself. It puts so many things into perspective and helps me not take life so seriously.

Ok, come back down to earth, Emily Dickinson. So I went to bellydancing, and again danced my tush off. It felt great dancing after running and I felt I really worked my muscles tonight. All this exercise surely has to impact my body shape! We watched a video of Jillian, a famous cabaret bellydancer and I was just in awe of her body and the way she moved it. I hope to look like that one day, and dance like that too.

After dancing, I went to Barnes and Noble to have some herbal tea and do some journaling. Boni came up to visit me and we ended up buying duplicate copies of a Dr. Phil relationship book, called "Relationship Rescue." I'm looking forward to reading it at the same time as Boni and talking about how we feel about it. There's exercises and questions in it that the couple is supposed to work on together. I feel kinda weird writing this, but then again it is a significant part of my life, and I do like to express thoughts on all "compartments."

Here's today's daily inspiration:

Someone's sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago. - Warren Buffet

This was the coolest quote. I mean this is exactly what I feel like. I've been working so hard on my emotional health for the last 7 months, especially the last month, and now things are looking up. My hard work or karma buildup or whatever is paying off. I feel the reward of all the pain and healing that has occurred. And then if that weren't enough, Michelle T. sent me my horoscope for last week. Check this out:

Last October I crammed all the fallen leaves from my mulberry tree into a garbage can, which I then hauled to a spot behind the garage and forgot about. Recently I rediscovered it. Though the temperature outside was in the 40s, the leaves inside the can were positively warm from the chemical changes going on as they rotted. Believe it or not, I immediately thought of you, Gemini. Metaphorically speaking, there is something similar going on in your life. The decay of the old stuff that you shed a few months ago is now generating a lot of energy. Can you somehow make use of it?

Whoa, now if that's not perfectly right on for what I'm going through, and what I did go through. Jeez, life can be so serendipidous sometimes!

It's late. I'm going to bed now. I'm exhausted and feel like a fat cow (from overeating the damn chocolate turtles and crispy raw cashews this evening - damn you Sue for ever creating such an addicting recipe!)

Food for Body:
- 24 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- 3 chocolate turtles
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- decaf iced tea
- 3 more chocolate turtles
- orange
- decaf iced tea
- more chocolate turtles (I'm losing count)
- a bunch of raw cashews
- Campbell's tomato soup
- decaf iced tea
- 24 oz water
- Barnes and Noble: herbal chamomile and lavendar hot tea with honey
- some more raw cashews, some brazil nuts, raisins, another chocolate turtle (get them out of my face)
- 8 oz water

Exercise: 1/2 mile walk with the pups, 1 mile run by myself

January 20, 2005, Thursday (Day 20) Is It Friday Yet?

Food for Thought:

I weighed this morning - no weight gain, no weight loss. 230 pounds.

Today dragged on forever! I want it to be Friday so badly. I'm exhausted and ready for the weekend to get here. Michelle D. and her son came by the office today and I gave her 2 of Sue's Chocolate Turtles to try. She loved them!

After work, I took the dogs for a walk, brought them back to the house and took off on my run. I only made it half a mile before I had to stop and walk. I walked another 1/4 mile and did my best to run the last 1/4 mile home. I was tired and had no energy to exercise today. Maybe I overdid it yesterday, but I was a bit disappointed in myself, none-the-less.

I went over to Boni's tonight and watched the season premier of The Apprentice. Man I think this season is going to be the end of the Trump brilliance. It seems like it's gonna be kinda dumb, and sorta staged, but we'll see. Boni made some popcorn, but I had already had some and didn't want to binge on it again. I ate two pieces and she ate the rest. Then of course when I got home, I wasn't craving salad, but I was hungry. I boiled some soup on the stove at the same time I popped some popcorn on the stove. I ate both and now feel like a balloon. Why can't I stay away from things like popcorn. I just have an addictive nature and can't have a little. Damn that stuff! Shoulda just had my salad tonight like I do most nights. I'm sorta bored and want to make falafel, but it takes days to soak and sprout the chick peas and I'm impatient. I want a bunch of recipes just to be miraculously done and in my fridge ready to snack on at any given moment.

Food for Body:
- 24 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- 1 piece of Sue's Chocolate Turtles
- bunch of cashews
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- 16 oz water
- orange
- more cashews, a few brazil nuts
- 2 pieces of Sue's Chocolate Turtles
- bowl of stove-top popcorn with sea salt
- 16 oz water
- banana with almond butter, honey, cashews
- 2 pieces of Boni's stove-top popcorn
- another bowl of stove-top popcorn with sea salt
- small bowl Campbell's tomato soup
- glass of decaf iced tea

Exercise:
1/2 mile walk with the pups, 1/2 mile run, 1/4 mile walk, 1/4 mile run by myself (super tired and couldn't make a mile straight run)

January 21, 2005, Friday (Day 21) Dairy Does Not Agree With Me

Food for Thought:

Gained 1/2 a pound. Lovely. Weight 230.5

Today I met Heather at Brioso Brazil for lunch. I had anxiety about eating the creamy pasta in front of another raw foodist, and explained this neurosis to Heather before we sat down to eat. I don't know why I feel the need to explain my food choices, but I do. Shortly after we sat down, a funny thing happened. A man walked over to the table and said, "Are you Michelle?" A bit confused, as I didn't recognize him, I said, "Yes." He proceeded to say he knew me from my site and that he and his wife visit it frequently and even tried raw for a while. He said they saw me when I came in and recognized me from my picture. We chatted for a few minutes and he pointed out his wife and I waved at her. It was quite funny and Heather and I got a good chuckle out of the "famous person sighting" that had just occurred. How hilarious is that! My 15 seconds of fame happened today at Brioso. It was kinda fun.

So, for some odd reason I chose to have Blue Cheese dressing on my second plate of salad. It tasted sorta strange, but of course, like a good cooked-addict, I proceeded to eat most of what was on my plate. By the time I got back to my office, all hell had broken loose in my stomach and bowel. I must have been on the toilet every 15 minutes for the rest of the afternoon. Holy shit, literally! I was miserable. My stomach was doing flipflops, I had gas, diarreah, the whole shabang. I was miserable - oh I already said that. Well that's how badly I felt. I regret having that dressing, but know now that dairy does NOT do well with me, after 21 days without it. God, please help me not do that again. What a miserable afternoon I had and up until I met 2 of my friends for dinner at Atlanta Bread Company, I didn't think I'd be able to have anything the rest of the night except some hot tea. I got the soup instead and it actually seemed to calm and coat my stomach. Ugh, dairy. I guess that means my craving for Mexican (queso) is gonna have to be put on hold indefinitely. Damn, and I was actually considering a little binge this weekend. Thanks Raw God, for putting me in check.

After dinner, Boni asked me to stop by, so I went over to her house and we ended up watching the season premier of Monk. I love that guy. You know, I'm kinda like him. I'm a neurotic freak who overthinks everything and has to keep talking til I say something stupid and ruin a perfectly good moment. Oh, did I say that outloud?

I've been an emotional mess all day. Are we SURE I'm not PMSing? Isn't is possible that I could be already about to have my period again even though it's been less than 3 weeks since my last one? I've been crying off and on all day - for nothing really - and my eyes are swollen!

Below are pictures that Michelle D. took on our outing to the Wholistic Life Center in Missouri last Sunday. Thanks Michelle!


The entrance to the Wholistic Life Center in Missouri


The Stone House - where guests of the Massage School stay...


The resident staff cabins


An old building on the property where the original owner had his pharmacy


The dining hall where we enjoyed our lunch


The absolutely perfect, serene dam/creek below the Stone House


The lake below the Stone House


The Yoga Room in the Stone House


The Stone House


The School of Massage Therapy and the Dining Hall


The School of Massage Therapy

Food for Body:
- 16 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- Brioso Brazil: 2 plates of salad: romaine, leafy greens, red/green/yellow bell pepper, cucumber, celery, tomato, sweet gherkins, green olives, black olives, roasted/salted cashes, roasted/salted sunflower seeds, raisins, potato salad, creamy pasta salad, fat free blueberry poppseed dressing, blue cheese dressing, cracked pepper, caffeinated iced tea
- Atlanta Bread Company: bowl of garden vegetable soup, caffeinated iced tea
- large handful raw cashews, raisins, brazil nuts
- decaf iced tea
- large bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt

Exercise: None

January 22, 2005, Saturday (Day 22) What Do You Title a Day Like Today?

Food for Thought:

Today was a very long and great day. Boni and I went out to Bella Vista to go to two estate sales and so that she could water some plants at a client's house. Then we went to the Rogers Historical Museum for a botanical garden Smithsonian exhibit. We learned about a cool chick, named Louise Hayden, who was one of the first female aviators and even beat Amelia Earhardt in some airplane derby. After the museum, we decided to have lunch at A Taste of Thai, a new restaurant that opened up in Rogers, but that we had tried in Bentonville way before we ever went raw. We had initially decided on going to Olive Garden, but both thought that sounded good as we drove by it on the way to the museum. We split soup, a spring roll appetizer (fried, but oh so damn good!), and a veggie plate with steamed rice. She doesn't eat rice, which I was fine with cause I ate almost the whole thing by myself. It was so delicious and aside from the spring rolls, I was completely pleased with the healthiness of our meal. We decided we'd definitely be goin there again and going back to the one in Bentonville too. It's so much lighter and healthier than Indian food ---- we had gone to the Indian buffet several times last year and felt sick almost every time we left there.

After lunch, we went to a used bookstore that we saw in Rogers. I bought a bunch of recovery and self-help books ranging in price from 50 cents to $2.00 each. Really great prices. I love how Boni and I love to do the same types of things. Things are going so well, by the way. I don't even know how to waste words trying to describe what it's like to be working things out. Nothing I could say could express my happiness right now. So I won't even try. Anyway, after the bookstore Boni and I went to each of our houses to do a couple of things and then we met back up again to go to Starbucks for coffee and reading. It was fun, but we were absolutely freezing from the drop in temperature. It's supposed to be like 14 degrees tonight and we both seem to be colder now that we've lost so much weight. After Starbucks, I ran into Harps to get 4 bags of lettuce, some bananas and avocados for Boni since she was coming over to have salad for dinner and watch a movie. I made us a huge, delicious salad, but after my first bowl and her only bowl of salad, I ran out of Annie's dressing and started to panic. I love that stuff so much that I think I'm becoming addicted. I tried to get more bottles at the coop last weekend, but they only had one left. I need to just buy a case or buy a gallon at a time. It's expensive, but I do not care. I love it! I ended up adding some Ken's Country French dressing to my salad, but it SO was not the same.

Today was a wonderful day. Things are going so great with Boni and I, feels like I'm in a dream. Hard to believe the place I was in just one month ago and now things are just so different. I'm scared to type the words, like I'll jinx something. I just have to say that I'm happy, with myself and with us...

After Boni left, I decided I'd start making some of my raw gourmet recipes that I've been meaning to make. I've kept myself so busy that staying at home and actually doing "home" stuff has become a bit of a rarity. So I made some raw falafel, but didn't have all of the ingredients, so typical me - I just substituted and made up my own recipe. I tried the batter and it tasted just as wonderful as Karesa's. I had taken Juliano's advice and duplicated the recipe, so one of the batches I made not spicy and the other I added cayenne to to make it spicy, since Boni loves spicy foods. Did I mention she loves my raw gourmet cooking and I've so missed preparing meals for her? Anyway, a note to all of you who are going to try the falafel recipe. If you experience the preparation the way I did, I tried to roll the dough in my hands to make a circle, then I was going to flatten the balls on the mesh sheet. Well it wouldn't work that way for me cause the batter was too sticky to form a ball OR leave my hands to go onto the mesh sheet. So I decided I'd use a spatula to glob a big amount on to the mesh sheet, then, using a trick I learned from my mom years ago, I dipped the spatula into a glass of warm water and proceeded to smooth the glob out into round "hamburger" patties. It worked perfectly!

Next I made Sue's Chocolate Turtles. Boni doesn't like raisins, so this time I cut up some halawi dates into small pieces and used that instead. And I also added more agave nectar to make it a tad sweeter than it was in the last batch.

I guess I was on a roll, cause I decided to go ahead and make the "Bacon, Why Not" recipe with the eggplant I bought last week. I had no clue what "thinly sliced" meant, and I knew it wouldn't go through my spiral slicer whole like that, so I just used a knife and started slicing. We'll see how it turns out. At least I can say I tried it.

I watched "Bed of Roses" and kept sneaking into the fridge to break off pieces of the Chocolate Turtle recipe chilling in the fridge. I feel kinda fat tonight, I guess cause I haven't exercised in a few days and I ate Thai for lunch and then ate too much of the Chocolate Turtles. Raw or not, those are decadent.

An email friend of mine sent me this article yesterday and I thought it was interesting enough to share.

• 47,456 unique visitors
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Oh, hey, I saw that my comment to Frederic Patenaude, from a while back, is posted on his website. That's cool.

Food for Body:
- travel mug of mate latte hot tea with soy milk and honey
- caffeinated iced tea
- banana
- A Taste of Thai: iced water, vegetable broth soup, 2 fried spring rolls with peanut oil sauce, stir fried vegetables with two mounds of steamed white rice, 1 slice of cucumber
- Starbucks: hot drink of half decaf coffee and half soy milk with 3 packets of honey, several handfuls raw trail mix: mixed nuts and raisins; several sips of a nasty caffeinated iced black tea (ick, it's not lipton or luzianne or tetley!)
- 2 bowls of salad: spring mix, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, tomato, red/yellow/green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing, Ken's Country French dressing (ran out of Annie's!)
- milkshake: Dole natural pineapple and juice (from a jar), soy milk, frozen bananas (mmmmmmm!)
- bites of falafel recipe as I was putting it into the dehydrator, licked the spatula of the Sue's Chocolate Turtles recipe
- rest of caffeinated iced tea from this morning, some more decaf iced tea
- several pieces of Sue's Chocolate Turtles

Exercise: None

January 23, 2005, Sunday (Day 23) Just a Day

Food for Thought:

I spent the whole day being by myself, hanging at the house with the dogs and the cat. It was a wonderfully leisurely day, even though I did get a lot of chores done. I had planned to get up and go to a new church and then go out to the Wholistic Life Center for a support group, but I got up late and didn't feel like going out. My "Bacon, Why Not" recipe is still in the dehydrator. So much for 9 hours on each side.....it's gonna be there a lot longer before it gets near crispy enough. I also made Potato Chips today and juiced all of the apples I had on my counter.

In the evening, Boni and I went to Wal-Mart to get some groceries and then she came over to have dinner and watch tv.

I got this email today: I was wondering if you have come across a "raw" recipe for Lettuce Wraps or Asian Wraps or something like it?

Here's my response: I haven't come across one, but if I were going to make lettuce wraps myself, here's what I'd do...Diced veggies of green/red/yellow/orange bell pepper, mushrooms, celery, water chestnuts (I'd buy from the can, probably processed), carrots, green onions; Nama Shoyu or any raw asian dressing (there's one on my site) or the Sweet and Sour Ginger Dressing on my site; Mix and marinate for a few hours then pour into large lettuce leaves.

Food for Body:
- fresh squeezed apple juice
- raw falafel, small bowl of Campbell's tomato soup
- decaf iced tea
- too many Sue's Chocolate Turtles
- salad: spring mix, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, tomato, red/yellow/green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, Ken's Country French dressing
- too many Sue's Chocolate Turtles
- salad: spring mix, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, tomato, red/yellow/green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, Ken's Country French dressing
- raw falafel,
- decaf iced tea
- too many Sue's Chocolate Turtles

Exercise: Not a damn thing

January 24, 2005, Monday (Day 24) Friendship

Food for Thought:

I was gonna go for a walk with the dogs after work, but Boni and her sister asked if I wanted to join them at Outback for dinner, so I went. I love that place!

After dinner, Heather came over and stayed til 1:30 in the morning. We just talked and talked and talked. It was the most fun! I felt like school girls having a sleep over and talking about everything imaginable. I love how close I'm becoming to her - deep friendships are such a rarity for me and it's so refreshing to be able to connect on so many levels with her. So glad we have so much in common.

I started my period tonight. That explains a lot - why I've been emotional and sensitive the last 24 hours, also why I haven't lost any weight this week and why I'm craving Mexican.

Food for Body:
- fresh squeezed apple juice
- banana
- 100% pure, not from concentrate, orange juice
- raw falafel, salad: spring mix, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, tomato, red/yellow/green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- decaf iced tea
- Outback Steakhouse: caffeinated iced tea, steamed veggies, baked potato with chives and A1 sauce, table salt, cracked pepper, side salad with cucumber, tomatoes, cracked pepper, honey mustard dressing
- raw falafel
- too many Sue's Chococlate Turtles
- decaf iced tea

Exercise: None

January 25, 2005, Tuesday (Day 25) Counseling and Corn Tortillas

Food for Thought:

Boni and I started couples counseling today with a psychologist in Fayetteville. Interesting how much I've missed therapy. I think it's going to be a great process, even if it is going to cost us an arm and a leg. I might need to get my own therapist for some of my own work too. Afterwards, we went to Ozark Natural Foods for some soup and while we were there, we picked up a few groceries. We went by Neighborhood Market on the way home and I got some Sunmaid raisins (since I ran out of the Sun Organic ones) and some of the corn tortillas Boni has turned me on to. She had made me a raw falafel taco made out of the raw falafel I gave her and a cooked corn tortilla with a little raw green onion dressing. It was so good I had to buy some for myself. Then we watched the last of American Idol and an episode of Desperate Housewives (why is that show so highly regarded?).

Food for Body:
- 8 oz squeezed apple juice
- 16 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- Brioso Brazil: 1 trip to the salad bar: romaine, leafy greens, tomato, celery, cucumber, bell pepper, sweet gherkins, green olives, black olives, raisins, roasted/salted sunflower seeds and cashews, fat free blueberry poppyseed dressing, went back for more cashews and sunflower seeds; caffeinated iced tea
- 1/2 falafel patty wrapped in a warmed corn tortilla with raw green onion dressing
- Ozark Natural Foods: bowl of very veggie soup, 8 oz water
- salad: spring mix, celery, radishes, tomato, cucumber, bell pepper, sunflower seeds, raisins, raw potato chips, carrots, green olives, black olives, baby dill pickles, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- glass of decaf iced tea
- bowl of stove-top popcorn with sea salt

Exercise: None

January 26, 2005, Wednesday (Day 26) Dark Agave Nectar

Food for Thought:

Today my huge Nature's First Law order came in along with my Anderson Almonds. I've been selling some raw-food related items for a while now and I got in a whole bunch of stuff I haven't gotten before. One of those items was Dark Agave Nectar, a new product by Nature's First Law. I've been using the regular, light kind and thought I'd give this kind a try. Dan, a fellow raw foodist, came by after work to buy some of the stuff and he and I tried the raw agave nectar. It tastes just like Maple Syrup. I'm so excited and plan to use it in many of the recipes calling for maple syrup, and I'm going to try it in the next batch of Chocolate Turtles I make. Heather came over as Dan was leaving. She was gonna buy some stuff too. I'd invited her to join me belly dancing tonight, and she decided to go. It was great having a friend in class again. I enjoyed having the focus of the instructor off of me for a time and letting the attention go to a new student. It gave me time to practice and move and feel free, without her watching me. We didn't shimmy cause it was Heather's first time and we spent the class working on basic techniques, so I know next time we'll get to shimmy. I did learn a new technique though, called the stomach flutter. That is gonna work my ab muscles for sure. Gotta practice that one.

Food for Body:
- 16 oz squeezed apple juice
- 16 oz squeezed apple juice
- 16 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- 2 falafel wraps: 2 half pieces of raw falafel on 2 corn tortillas with green onion dressing
- salad: spring mix, celery, radishes, tomato, cucumber, bell pepper, sunflower seeds, raisins, raw potato chips, carrots, green olives, black olives, baby dill pickles, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- 16 oz water
- bite of "Bacon, Why Not?"
- snacked on raw falafel, raw potato chips, raw cashews, raw almonds
- 16 oz water
- taste of Dark Agave Nectar

Exercise: 45 minutes bellydancing - slower, muscle work on technique

January 27, 2005, Thursday (Day 27) Trying to Do Too Much

Food for Thought:

I've been so busy I can't even remember what I all I ate. I'll do my best, though. I met Brenda, Boni's sister, after work today at Atlanta Bread Company. I'm gonna work on creating a web page for her business, so we met to talk about it. Then we went over to Boni's to watch The Apprentice. Things are kind of crazy at work right now, but I'm just going with the flow, as best as I can.

This quote was good for me today.

All comes at the proper time to him who knows how to wait. - Saint Vincent de Paul

I've been patient and the proper time has arrived. Is that succinct enough?

Food for Body:
- oj and apple juice - can't remember how much
- can't remember what I had for lunch
- Atlanta Bread Company: creamy tomato soup, salad: green apple, feta cheese, walnuts, lettuce, raspberry vinaigrette dressing, caffeinated iced tea

Exercise: None

January 28, 2005, Friday (Day 28) I love Fridays!

Food for Thought:

I adore Fridays. My days have been so crazy lately and it's not that I mind, but getting to the weekend is just simply the best! After work, Heather came over and she and I went and picked up Boni. We then went to Ruby Tuesday's to meet my friends Karen and Sara. This was the first time all of my friends were meeting each other. The night started a little awkward, but it ended up being a lot of fun. After dinner we went back to my house and watched 3 episodes of "The L Word" on DVD. I love my friends and Boni!

I haven't been exercising - not making the time nor making it a priority. I don't like how I feel. I need to work out!

Food for Body:
- can't remember, probably orange juice and apple juice for breakfast
- probably a banana for morning snack
- can't remember lunch, maybe potato leek soup and corn tortillas at home - yea I think that's right
- Ruby Tuesday's: salad bar - 2 trips: romaine, leafy greens, bell pepper, green olives, black olives, raisins, sunflower seeds, almonds, raspberry vinaigrette dressing (1st trip), honey mustard dressing (2nd trip), caffeinated iced tea
- bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt

Exercise: None

January 29, 2005, Saturday (Day 29) Busy Busy Busy

Food for Thought:

Today Boni and I went to an estate sale and to water one of her clients' plants in Bella Vista. Then we picked up her sister and we went to the Grand Opening of the new Wal-Mart just across the Missouri line. For lunch we went to A Taste of Thai, since Boni and I had enjoyed it so much last week. I hurried home to get read for my evening plans, only to have an interruption of a couple of kids out front asking if this stray dog they found in the street was mine. It was not, of course, but I proceeded to get myself involved in finding its owners. Long story short, the dog is now staying with Heather, and will become their family pet if no one calls to claim him. He's a sweetheart and I felt I did my good deed for the day, helping to avoid his certain death at the local animal shelter.

I drove to Fayetteville to meet Karesa and Marilyn at the Perk for tea before we went to see the movie Indigo. Heather met me there too to pick up the dog. I ordered a pot of hot herbal tea (Serene, my only and favorite kind there) and a garden salad, opting for the honey dijon dressing. Karesa had brought a bunch of her friends from the Wholistic Life Center and I finally got to meet Melissa, a woman I'd met only on the phone when I sold some goji berries to her (her friend picked them up from me, so I hadn't met her previously). After about an hour, we went over to the Unity church for the movie. Today was World Indigo Day and it was celebrated by a synchronized national showing of the movie Indigo, about the Indigo children - children who are gifted with psychic abilities. Here's a link to more information about this fascinating discovery. It's interesting, apparently the diagnosis of autism, add and adhd are often a misguided attempt for doctors, teachers and parents to cover up any "abnormal" behavior these special children may have. Have I mentioned that although I have never been diagnosed any of those things, nor do I believe I have psychic abilities, I think I do have and have always had ADD or ADHD, and definitely some characteristics of autism - Boni thinks so of me too. I don't have any psychic gifts or anything, but I'm always fascinated by the whole ADD, ADHD, Autism phenomenon.

This daily inspiration was too cool to not share - I'd heard it before, but after seeing Indigo, it just seemed perfectly in synch that I'd receive it in my inbox today.

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience."
- Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

After the movie, I met Heather again at The Perk and we had tea and I had another salad. Then we decided to go out, so we headed downtown to Dickson. I knew Boni was out with her friends on Dickson and wanted to give her her space to enjoy a night out, so Heather and I decided to go to a new club called 5 Squirrels - the Flip Off Pirates were playing. I ended up having a bottle of water, one non-alcoholic Coors beer and a lung-full of second hand smoke. It was my first bar scene since I got sober in 2001. My sweatshirt, my hair and my car even all reeked of smoke, ugh! I used to be a heavy smoker, how did I do it!? Anyway, I got home at 2:30 am. All I'll say is it was an interesting evening.

Food for Body:

- cup of hot mate latte with honey and soy milk
- 8 oz 100% pure, not from concentrate, orange juice
- banana
- A Taste of Thai: vegetable soup, caffeinated iced tea, 2 fried spring rolls with peanut oil sauce, 2 scoops of steamed white rice, stir fried veggies
- The Perk: cup of hot Serene herbal tea with honey and soy milk, salad: iceberg and romaine, tomato, cucumber, honey dijon dressing, one raw sesame bar that Karesa gave me
- The Perk: cup of hot Serene herbal tea with honey and soy milk, salad: iceberg and romaine, tomato, cucumber, honey dijon dressing
- Five Squirrels: 16 oz bottled water, 16 oz Coors non-alcoholic beer
- Taco Bell: 2 large flour tortillas (it was 2:30 in the morning, and I was craving them)

Exercise: Does dancing like a dork at the club count?

January 30, 2005, Sunday (Day 30) A Day at Home

Food for Thought:

I had plans, like I had last Sunday, to go to church this morning and out to the Wholistic Life Center for the support group, but a little wild child named Heather kept me out on the town til early this morning, so I didn't follow through with my plans. If you're reading this Heather, I had fun, it was worth it! Anyway, Boni came over and we watched "Sirens" and had hot tea and I made us a salad. Then we went to her house, took a nap, woke up and had falafel wraps for lunch and watched "If These Walls Could Talk 2." She made some butternut squash soup, but I didn't like it at all; it was like a pumpkin pie in a bowl, eeck! But I did ask her to make me some stove-top popcorn later, which I enjoyed a bit too much. I've noticed my raw intake has been less and less the last week. I'm not feeling that great, and I'm feeling fat and bloated, so I'm going to have to reassess my food intake and see what adjustments I need to make. I feel my best when I eat two salads a day and not too much cooked, just minor cooked items, not whole meals.

I planned to go to Starbucks to work on entering my journal entries and getting some paperwork done, but I just can't seem to find enough time. I'm enjoying my time with Boni and adding our time back into my life has meant some other areas have had to be reprioritized. I don't mind, of course, I just need to be sure I'm still working to meet all of my personal needs. I had gotten into a certain routine with my life and I'm needing to reorganize a bit.

All evening, and even this afternoon, I was craving Maria's mexican food. It's been a month since I've had it and I guess I justified it with that statement, cause later tonight, I drove myself to Maria's to have my standard crap cooked meal. I would never have believed this statement, but it's true - I didn't enjoy it. As usual, it didn't stop me from finishing off 2 baskets of chips along with my tortilla wraps and queso, but it did seem different tonight. The chips and cheese used to fill some void in me. Tonight I didn't eat because I was missing something, I ate cause I was in a good mood and was craving it, but it still didn't do anything for me, except give me gas and a stomach ache. I also felt even more fat than ever and could barely stand to look at myself in the mirror. I had not been having that issue in the last month or 2 and today it's back. I need to really turn this over and let go of the feelings I have - not necessarily the emotional part of it, but the part that I'm disgusted with my body when I eat like that. I want to have a body I can be proud of, and when I eat a lot of cooked (crap or not), I feel icky looking and am not content with my progress.

If you haven't noticed, I haven't been getting my journals uploaded very often. I am soooooooo busy, and can't seem to slow down enough to take care of the day-to-day stuff that has been piling up. Thank you to everyone who has written asking if I've fallen off the face of the earth. I'm here, just been busy with life and not doing MY stuff as often. There's so many creative, art things I haven't been doing and that I'm really missing. Will try to schedule some me time very soon.

Food for Body:

- cup of hot mate latte with honey and soy milk
- glass of decaf iced tea
- banana
- several bites of a fresh pineapple
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, cucumber, tomato, red/green/yellow bell pepper, carrots, celery, radishes, sunflower
seeds, green olives, black olives, raisins, Annie's Goddess Dressing, cracked pepper
- glass of decaf iced tea
- 2 half pieces of raw falafel on 2 corn tortillas with green onion dressing
- 8 oz water
- bowl of stove-top popcorn with sea salt
- 8 oz water
- Crap Cooked - Maria's Mexican Restaurant: 2 baskets of chips, queso, 5 flour tortillas, lettuce, tomato, caffeinated iced tea

Exercise: None

January 31, 2005, Monday (Day 31) Hanging With My Homey

Food for Thought:

I've been hanging out with Heather a lot lately. It's really cool to be friends with someone who is also a raw foodist (I'm not really a raw foodist, but you know what I mean). We eat raw stuff, make recipes, talk about food issues (and loads of other issues), and have been working on our two businesses - she's going to be doing some bulk buying club things and I have my Isle of Innis business that I've been working on. We have so many things in common, even if she's married with kids and I'm, well, not.

Tonight we compared the Nature's First Law agave nectar that I buy and sell to the Madhava agave nectar that she buys and sells. There really wasn't a whole lot of difference, though I think the Nature's First Law brand was a tad sweeter. I'm going to sell the last few bottles I have of it and stop carrying it - just let Heather sell the Madhava brand. I will still sell the dark agave nectar, since at the moment, Madhava isn't selling it.

Here's a quote I shared on the From SAD to RAW Yahoo group today.

Ability is what you're capable of doing.
Motivation determines what you do.
Attitude determines how well you do it.
- Lee Holz

I love it! It boils down to this - I can, but do I want do, and if so or if not, how do I feel about it?

I haven't lost any more weight. In fact I ended the month at 233 pounds, a weight gain of 3 pounds. I think the cooked food I've been eating is finally catching up with me. I'm feeling crappy and plan to start weaning myself back onto a higher percentage of raw, since I really do feel better about myself physically and emotionally when I eat cooked sparingly.

Food for Body:

- 16 oz 100% pure, not from concentrate, orange juice
- handful cashews
- more cashews
- bowl of organic potato leek soup
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, cucumber, tomato, red/green/yellow bell pepper, carrots, celery, radishes, sunflower
seeds, green olives, black olives, raisins, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- glass of decaf iced tea
- more cashews
- 1 piece of raw "Bacon, Why Not"
- cup of hot decaf earl grey tea, honey and soy milk
- bite of raw fudge that Heather made
- taste test of agave nectars

Exercise: None

February 1, 2005, Tuesday David Wolfe's Comin to Town

Food for Thought:

I'm not going to count my days "raw" anymore. It feels like I'm counting toward something or from something. I'm not, I'm just living, so I'm going to stop saying what "day" I'm on. Besides, I'm not technically Raw, I eat a good amount of raw and prefer to live high raw, but I'm not "Raw," so I'm gonna nix that label. It's funny I'm doing that now that I'm eating higher raw again, oh well.

So guess who's coming to Northwest Arkansas? David Wolfe! Jealous? Just playing. Dan and Heather came over last week and we were talking about going to the Kansas or Missouri talks he's giving next week (he's on a cross country tour). One of them, Heather or Dan - I can't remember which, mentioned how great it would be if he'd come to Northwest Arkansas. So that night I emailed Nature's First Law, and Tony, who works at Nature's First Law and is in the Healing Waters Band, and asked, almost half kiddingly, if David would mind doing a stopover on February 9th here in Fayetteville. He responded that if I could get at least 50 people to register, that it shouldn't be a problem. So I sent out an email to our local group and James sent out an email to his mailing list and we soon figured out we'd have no problem getting 50 people registered. James got Unity Church in Fayetteville to allow the talk to be hosted there and I confirmed it all with Tony from Nature's First Law. It's all set. David Wolfe in Northwest Arkansas on February 9, from 6-9 pm. He's going to be serving a chocolate nutmilk at the event. If anyone's interested in attending ($20 preregistered, $25 at the door), send me an email.

I should have weighed at work today, but to be quite honest, I didn't want to know if I'd not lost any weight, so I didn't. I need to update my pictures, but it'll probably be this weekend before I can get to it.

So I'm back to eating higher raw again. Feels so great too. I don't care what the hell I call myself, a raw foodist, a healthy eater who eats high raw, whatever. All I know is my body loves me when I eat a lot of raw food, and only a little of cooked. I had several opportunities to eat soup and corn tortillas today, but chose salad instead, and I'm so happy for that. My body already feels lighter. One day of healthy raw eating changes my body shape, my view of my body, the way I carry myself, my attitude, everything. Anyone who doesn't notice a huge difference in one day of truly healthy eating, I'd like to meet. I doubt they're out there. I think my weight loss will begin again too, by eating a higher percentage of raw. My salads are my staple and are the center of my feeling good about myself. It's all about the Annie's though, let me tell you. I adore that stuff. Last night, Heather and I were attempting to make a raw version of Annie's, and it just was NOT the same. It was funny to see her trying Annie's by the spoonful and her eyes rolling in the back of her head, as she enjoys it as much as I do. That stuff is like liquid cocaine!!! Sorry for the drug analogy, but it's that addicting.

Tonight, Brenda (Boni's sister) and I went bellydancing. I'm becoming quite the bellydancing promoter, I should get a kick back from as much business as I'm drumming up for my instructor. Brenda really enjoyed it, and again, it gave me time to really work on my techniques. I just practiced and practiced while Sharon, the instructor, was working with Brenda.

After bellydancing, Boni and I went to Wal-Mart to pick up some stuff, cause it's supposed to snow 1-3 inches tonight and tomorrow and we didn't know if we'd be snowed in (we're such weather wussies, aren't we?). On the way home, Boni asked if I wanted to come in for a falafel wrap. I said yes, initially, but then changed my mind by the time we got to her house, realizing that I'm feeling so good not eating the corn tortillas, and to eat it, would defy what I feel I'm working on right now - to eat higher raw, unless I truly truly want some cooked.

I made some more Raw Chocolate turtles tonight - this time I used cashews and almonds, no almond butter, added some shredded coconut, and I used dark agave nectar instead of regular. They are SOOOOOO good. They taste like almond joy bites - cause it didn't hard in one big piece, instead it was like little broken pieces of chocolate candy. I like the consistency of the ones I made the other day, but I liked the taste of these the best so far.

Food for Body:

- 4 oz squeezed apple juice
- glass of decaf iced tea
- handful of cashews
- raw trail mix
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, cucumber, tomato, red/green/yellow bell pepper, carrots, celery, radishes, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, raisins, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- glass of decaf iced tea
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, cucumber, tomato, red/green/yellow bell pepper, carrots, celery, radishes, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, raisins, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- glass of decaf iced tea
- a bit of fresh pineapple (surprisingly sweet)
- swig of cranberry-orange juice

Exercise: Bellydancing for 1 hour

February 2, 2005, Wednesday What to Do at a Raw Potluck

Food for Thought:

I took off the day from work today. I did use the time to make some Raw Chili and Marinated Mushrooms using the Sweet and Sour Ginger Dressing recipe. I don't really care for marinated mushrooms, but Boni loves them, so I made them for her.

Boni came over late this afternoon and we went to Panera for dinner and for us both to play on our computers.

I got an email today asking for ideas for demonstrations or talks that they could have at their newly formed raw potlucks. Here's what I said:

How to:
- open a young Thai coconut
- make nut milk
- grind flax seed, sesame seed, cacao nibs, etc.
- use a champion juicer to make juice, sorbets, nut butters
- use a dehydrator, food processor, blender or VitaMix
- make wheatgrass juice using a flat of wheatgrass and a juicer
- make a milkshake
- show a DVD like Alissa Cohen's Living on Life Foods video
- have people give their raw testimonial - how they became raw, what raw has done for them, why they stay on their raw journey
- have an "uncook off" - where you say everyone bring their version of "Chocolate Candy" or "Spaghetti Sauce" or "Chili" or "Crackers" - have a contest

Food for Body:
- couple of swigs of cranberry-orange juice and orange juice
- several Raw Chocolate Turtles
- small bowl of Raw Chili
- glass of decaf iced tea
- Panera: Fandango salad: romaine, mandarin oranges, walnuts, gargonzola cheese, fat free raspberry vinaigrette, glass of caffeinated iced tea, 10 spoonfuls of veggie soup
- several Raw Chocolate Turtles
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, cucumber, tomato, red/green/yellow bell pepper, carrots, celery, radishes, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, raisins, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- bowl of Raw Chili
- glass of decaf iced tea
- bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt
- several Raw Chocolate Turtles

Exercise: None

February 3, 2005, Thursday

Food for Thought:

Today after work I made Mexi Chips. A local woman asked me to make some to sell to her.

Tonight Brenda and I went over to Boni's to watch The Apprentice. I ate really well today except for the popcorn. Just can't give it up - not that I'm trying.

Food for Body:
- pint of blackberries (oh my gawd, yum!!! expensive, but so yum!)
- 2 c. raw trail mix
- banana
- 16 oz water
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, cucumber, tomato, red/green/yellow bell pepper, carrots, celery, radishes, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, raisins, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- bowl of Raw Chili
- 8 oz water
- several Raw Chocolate Turtles
- another bowl of Raw Chili
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, cucumber, tomato, red/green/yellow bell pepper, carrots, celery, radishes, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, raisins, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt
- water
- several swigs of orange juice
- handful raw cashews
- glass of decaf iced tea
- several sips of hot chai decaf tea with honey and soy milk (ugh, I don't think I like the taste of chai)

Exercise: None

February 4, 2005, Friday Michelle, the Late Night Owl

Food for Thought:

I ordered a Vita-Mix today. I got the Super 5000 so I can grind my flax seeds. I'm hoping that the Vita-Mix will mean I can get rid of my blender, food processor and coffee grinder. We'll see! (FYI I'm now a Vita-Mix affiliate, so if you're planning to buy a Vita-Mix, buy from me please!)

Today after work Heather came over and brought her Body Fat digital scale so I could see what mine is. Horror!!!! I weighed 235.5, my body fat is 40% and my water % is 37.5. Now, granted I weighed at night, and normally I weigh first thing in the morning, but sheesh! Heather said imagine what it was before I lost 80 pounds. Still, it sucks!!

We went over to my friend Sara's house to visit her and Karen. Then we went to Atlanta Bread Company for dinner. I ate the roll. It was good but not great, but I ate it anyway. I was feeling emotional - Boni went to Dallas for the weekend with some friends of hers and I'm missing her already. After dinner we went to Office Depot. I got some business card paper for my Isle of Innis business. Then went shopping at Wal-Mart, since the mall was closing soon and we'd never make it all the way to Fayetteville in time. We got a few pieces of lingerie and stuff for Valentine's Day. I was surprised at the selection and even more surprised to find a few things that fit. Though of course, I would have liked things to look a little better on me, but oh well, that's the constant dilemna of a "fat-minded person."

I lost my cell phone tonight. I guess I lose things a lot, but I don't know where it is, so maybe I'm becoming more scattered than normal. I am doing a LOT lately. Been miss little social bug. I feel like I'm a teenager again - going out dancing, dinner, late nights; it's been really fun, but very different than my normal homebody routine.

Heather and I went to Fayetteville late tonight. We started out at Common Grounds cause I was hungry again, but they stopped serving the minute we got there. So we left and started driving around. But at 1 in the morning, there isn't much of a selection for healthy fare. I mean, if I wanted a burger, fries and a coke, or a greasy breakfast at Denny's or the Village Inn, we would have been set. Well, actually the truth is, I would have eaten something like that in half a second. But we chose Wendy's salad and baked potato instead and I felt so proud of us.

At about 1:15 am, we went to Studio 716, a new gay club in the warehouse district. They were playing great dance music, but we didn't end up staying very long. We got back to my house around 2:30 am and then the hunt for my cell phone began. Heather finally went home at 4 in the morning after we went back out to Wal-Mart, since that was the last place I remember having it. I feel so lost without my phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Food for Body:
- glass of decaf iced tea
- banana
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, cucumber, tomato, red/green/yellow bell pepper, carrots, celery, radishes, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, raisins, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- bowl of Raw Chili
- several Raw Chocolate Turtles
- glass of decaf iced tea
- glass of decaf iced tea
- Atlanta Bread Company: bowl of veggie soup, 1 roll, salad: greens, walnuts, feta cheese, green apple slices, fat free raspberry vinaigrette, caffeinated iced tea
- Wendy's: salad: spring mix, cucumber, carrots, cheese, tomatoes, fat free french dressing, baked potato with chives, low fat honey mustard dressing, caffeinated iced tea

Exercise: None

February 5, 2005, Saturday Another Crazy Day

Food for Thought:

Oh my gosh. I'm really going going and going. I'm like the Energizer bunny, but I'd be willing to be my energy is gonna finally drain and I'm gonna crash here pretty soon.

I didn't go garage saling today. I was also supposed to go to a Reiki session with some Raw food friends, but having never found my cell phone, I was sort of a wreck and decided to head out to search the places we went yesterday. First I went to Cingular and had them suspend my service. No one had used my phone to call out yet, so that was good. Then I went back to the club parking lot, nada. Then I stopped in at Ozark Natural Foods to buy a case of Annie's Goddess Dressing (yea, I like it that much). They only had 6 bottles, but they let me have it at the case discount. Next I went back to Dickson Street to search the parking lot and the restaurant for any sign of my phone. Nothing yet. I decided to go ahead and have breakfast at Common Grounds - well lunch I guess, given that it was 1:00 in the afternoon. There was going to be a Mardi Gras parade, so when I finished eating, I went outside on Dickson and enjoyed the show. It was like being a kid again, people yelling and waving, music blaring, beads being thrown out of trucks and off of floats. It was quite surreal, for some reason. I felt like I was floating and not really there. Or maybe I was hyper present or something. It was a strange sensation though.

Next I went to Bed Bath and Beyond. I want to buy one of those damn body fat scales, but the only one they had that determined water weight as well was $80 and I certainly wasn't going to pay that to have it tell me I'm fat. So instead I spent way too much money buying a yoga mat, a yoga mat bag, a balance ball and a couple of fun mugs to drink hot tea from. I have mugs already, but sometimes it's fun to drink from something new. Anyway, I'm starting yoga a week from Tuesday, and I needed to get the mat. The balance ball is cause I want to start doing crunches using it, like I've seen on tv exercise shows.

Next I went to Cingular, a different store than the one I went to earlier. I decided I needed to have a phone and mine wasn't going to show up. So they gave me a loaner phone, after much customer convincing! I didn't want to have to face that my phone and the 50 or so phone numbers I have in it are gone. But what can I do? I need to let go and move on.

I went home after that. Karen and Sara asked if I wanted to go out to dinner and shopping with them, before Heather and I were going to Five Squirrels again to see some live music. We went to Abuelo's and although I was highly tempted by the light crispy chips and the creamy cheese dip, I chose the healthy route instead. Accomplishment!

Next we went to Barnes and Noble and had plans to go to Kohl's and Wal-Mart next. Instead, Karen and Sara just wanted to go back to Sara's and watch tv and hang out. So we hung out over there for a bit, til Heather showed up to get ready to go out. We headed down to Fayetteville at about 10:00. We went to Five Squirrels and saw Pink Mafia, then Charliehorse. We left after a while and headed over to dance at Studio 716. However, the sirens we heard earlier in the night when we first went into Five Squirrels turned out to be for the hair salon attached to Studio 716 - it had caught on fire and the entire insides burned down, obviously causing Studio 716 to have to be closed. So much for that idea, and I was looking forward to dancing. So we headed to Dickson to get something to eat at Common Grounds. We went back to Five Squirrels til they closed and I headed home. I feel like I'm 20-something again. So strange. I think I'll take it easy tomorrow.

Food for Body:
- glass of decaf iced tea
- banana
- Common Grounds: bowl of "SuperNatural" granola, blueberries, strawberries, soy milk, hot decaf Earl Grey tea, honey, soy milk
- Abuelo's: salad: romaine with tomatoes and honey mustard dressing, guacamole, 3 corn tortillas, a bit of salsa, caffeinated iced tea
- Five Squirrels: 16 oz Coors non-alcoholic beer
- Common Grounds: water, greek salad: romaine, grape tomatoes, feta cheese, black olives, greek vinaigrette dressing, shared a bowl of creamy tomato artichoke soup with Heather
- a few Raw Chocolate Turtles

Exercise: None

February 6, 2005, Sunday Nada, Then Caca

Food for Thought:

I didn't eat much for most of the day today, then when I did finally eat for real, I ate shit. Oh well, it was good, I enjoyed it, what can I say? Nothing except if I want to keep my head held high when I meet David Wolfe on Wednesday, guess I should nix the Mex, eh? Let me tell you, if you ever went out to eat with me at a Mexican restaurant where I was choosing to eat the shit, you'd be floored. No one can pack away the chips, queso and flour tortillas like me. Damn the Mexicans for integrating their fricken awesome food into our fat American asses! (totally tongue-in-cheek, don't send me any politically-corrected emails, don't forget - I'm involved with a little half-Mexican chica - she's partially at fault, ya know)...

Anyway, I stayed at home the whole day today and worked my butt off picking up my house, refilling bird feeders, taking out trash, washing all the dog and cat blankies, cleaning the bathroom, swiffering the floors, cleaning the litter box, organizing my closet, washing my sheets and clothes, filing paperwork, updating journals, watching my "Sex and the City" DVDs (I'm on season 2 now) and making some more Raw Chocolate Turtles. I'm one big chocolate head now. Damn you, Sue. I feel like I'm sloshing around in coconut oil and cacao. No wonder I'm not losing weight, I'm not eating enough healthy stuff.

Food for Body:
- glass of decaf iced tea
- several Raw Chocolate Turtles
- several swigs of orange juice
- bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt
- Crap Cooked: Maria's Mexican Restaurant: 1 bowl of chips, queso, salsa, 4 flour tortillas, 1 cheese enchilada, lettuce, tomato, Coke, caffeinated iced tea
- several Raw Chocolate Turtles

Exercise: Cleaned house all day, why am I not exercising for real though??!!

February 7, 2005, Monday I'm just so tired

Food for Thought:

I am so tired. I am not getting enough sleep, I'm going to bed late, trying to get up this morning for work, working on my websites, and trying to maintain quality relationships with my friends and of course, Boni. I need a break, but I don't see one coming very soon. Every night this week I have something going on - I finally had to set some time aside for myself Thursday night, cancelling Boni and my weekly plans to watch The Apprentice. Valentine's Day is Monday, and Boni and I are spending the weekend celebrating. Therefore, I need to use that time to finish up the things I want to do getting ready for Boni.

I'm weighing every day now and looking at my body fat, but I'm trying to let go of what it says.

Food for Body:
I didn't keep track today - I'm sure it was salads and soups, that's about what I eat lately.

Exercise: None

February 8, 2005, Tuesday Dancing Helps

Food for Thought:

Boni and I had our every-two-week counseling appointment after work today. Afterwards, we met Brenda at Atlanta Bread Company for dinner. I ate the roll. Seem to be doing that a lot lately. We went bellydancing afterwards. I think that's one of my most favorite night time rituals during the week. I feel so free and good when I'm there, so rejuvenated and alive when I leave. No matter how busy my life is, when I'm there, I'm present; I'm calm, I'm happy and at peace with my body.

Food for Body:
- 16 oz cranberry-orange juice
- 1/2 pint blackberries (the other half were already moldy)
- banana
- Special K cereal bar
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, cucumber, tomato, red/green/yellow bell pepper, carrots, celery, radishes, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, raisins, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- small bowl of Campbell's tomato soup
- several Raw Chocolate Turtles
- glass of decaf iced tea
- Atlanta Bread Company: salad with romaine, walnuts, feta cheese, granny smith apples, fat free raspberry vinaigrette, creamy tomato soup, roll, caffeinated iced tea
- several Raw Chocolate Turtles
- bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt
- glass of decaf iced tea
- macadamia nuts

Exercise: 1 hour bellydancing

February 9, 2005, Wednesday David Wolfe

Food for Thought:

Boni and I went and saw David Wolfe tonight. I handled the registration and money-taking. We ended up having 50 people there, less than we'd hoped, but enough to make David and his crew happy. They sold a whole bunch of their products there too. David was very nice, down to earth, charming, fun, and personable. I'm not saying he's not also running a very lucrative business, I'm just saying I really like him as a person. What a sweetheart. Some of the highlights that David talked about that I really picked up on were:

- Best thing you can do when you're craving a potato, is to eat a yam - zillion times more nutrients than a potato, a potato is basically a waste to eat

- Brazil nut is the most important nut you can eat

- If you have acid reflux, drink 12 oz of celery juice a day for 3 weeks. You will be cured. (In Michelle's experience, go 75% raw, 25% healthy cooked, and your acid reflux will be cured anyway, but this is still good to know.)

- The number one source of enzymes is honey

- A great quote David said was "Eating chocolate saves the Rainforest." What he meant by that is the cacao bean tree only grows in the rainforest, you can not take it out of the rainforest and try to grow it somewhere else, therefore the more cacao bean trees that are planted and grow in the rainforest, the more the rainforest will flourish and grown and not be destroyed - that saying would make a great bumper sticker, huh?

- There is no caffeine in cacao - the candy manufacturers are injecting some kind of caffeine into candy bars. If you make a raw cacao dessert, you are not getting caffeine

- The way Nature's First Law gets the shells off of the cacao beans is they have rollers that roll over the beans, breaking the shell away from the bean. Then they have blowers that blow the shells off of the conveyor belt. We all wondered how they did that. I think I also overheard him confirming that the beans are presoaked and dehydrated so there's no need to soak them again once we purchase them.

I took pictures and had one taken of David and me. I'll post them soon - they are on my camera at the office and I'm not going into work tomorrow, so it might be a few days.

Food for Body:
- banana
- 8 oz water
- cranberry-orange juice
- several Raw Chocolate Turtles
- Panera: bowl of vegetable soup, fandango salad: romaine, walnuts, gorgonzola cheese, mandarin oranges, fat free raspberry vinaigrette, roll
- glass of decaf iced tea
- orange juice
- The Perk: salad: iceberg, romaine, tomato, cucumber, honey dijon dressing, pot of herbal Serene tea, honey, soy milk
- Crap Cooked: Taco Bell: 2 flour tortillas, cinnamon twists, glass of water
- several Raw Chocolate Turtles
- water
- orange juice

Exercise: None

February 10, 2005, Thursday Sick for the First Time in a Year

Food for Thought:

I woke up this morning at 4 am feeling like a train had hit me. My throat was sore and scratchy, my nose was stopped up (just my right side), I was sneezing and hot and achey all over my whole body. I felt horrible. I got up and drank some orange juice, as I absolutely hate taking medicine. I haven't been sick since I went raw, you know, so this was quite a shock, and a blow to my self esteem. I called Boni around 7:30 am and she was equally as sick. She said she was staying home and I wished I could have too, but I had a bunch of stuff at work I had to get done today. I went ahead and went in thinking it'd just take a few hours to get those things done and I'd come home. Unfortunately, it wasn't until 2:00 pm when I left, and I hadn't left for lunch yet either. I was much worse by the time I left the office and went home, even though I wanted comfort crap food of Maria's Mexican.

When I got home, I had received my Vita-Mix in the mail. I got the Super 5000, the one that will grind flax seed for you. I went to bed for a few hours and when I got up, I thought I'd try to prepare a homemade soup. It was disgusting, and it was my fault for thinking I'm some kind of creative whiz in the kitchen. Sweets, I can handle. Salty, not so easy for me.

I finally caved and went over to Boni's house after 5:00 for her to take care of me. I was grumpy, moody, achey and depressed. I just wanted to be held like a baby. She was very good with me, and Brenda brought me some soup from Panera. I slept for several hours over there and felt a little stronger when I woke up. I went back to sleep for several more hours and when I woke up, I actually felt bad again. She had given me some juice with those EmergenC packets and they had helped earlier, but I guess it comes and goes with the flu, which is what it appears I have. Everyone's sick, have yall noticed? I don't know too many people who aren't having a friend or family member down with this horrid strain of the flu virus. My head was splitting when I woke up the second time, so Boni gave me some cold medicine. I was resisting it up til that point, cause I wanted to just have juice help me out. But my immune system is so weakened from the lack of sleep I've gotten, trying to do too much in the evenings and on the weekends, that I think my body just shut down.

I came home at about 11:00 pm and was hungry. I wanted comfort crap food again, so I ate some more peanut butter and made another bowl of popcorn. Salad was SO not a craving I had today. I wanted to be comforted so badly.

This has hit me hard, and I realize I really really really need to slow down and take care of myself.

Food for Body:
- orange juice (4 am)
- orange juice (8 am)
- cranberry orange juice (9 am)
- apple juice, 3 oz roasted mixed nuts (10 am)
- Nature's Valley granola bar
- glass of decaf iced tea
- several Raw Chocolate Turtles
- several spoonfuls of peanut butter (I bought it for bird pudding, but dug into today)
- taste tests of some nasty Vita-Mix soup I tried to make
- bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt
- Panera: bowl of vegetarian southwestern corn soup, roll
- cranberry orange juice with EmergenC added to it
- orange juice
- glass of decaf iced tea
- several more spoonfuls of peanut butter
- another bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt

Exercise: None

February 11, 2005, Friday Still Sick

Food for Thought:

I stayed home from work today, still sick. I haven't been sick like this since I went raw. Actually I haven't been sick at all since I went raw. Boni's sick too. It's going around big time here in this area. We got together late in the day and finished watching "Ray." I didn't really think I'd like that movie, but it was wonderful. I do love biographies, and Jamie Foxx was outstanding. Then we watched "The Notebook." I was not expecting to like this movie as much as I did. I mean, when I saw the previews, it looked like another dorky love story, but man it was so fantastic. Reminded me a lot of Boni's and my relationship. We started celebrating Valentine's Day tonight. I'm a happy girl.

Food for Body:
- Wendy's: spring mix salad (ate the cheese that they put on it), baked potato with chives, honey mustard dressing, large caffeinated iced tea
- bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt
- raw Chocolate Dipped Strawberries
- glass of decaf iced tea
- orange juice
- raw macadamia nuts
- bite of peanut butter

Exercise: None

February 12, 2005, Saturday Raw Potluck AND a Major Accomplishment

Food for Thought:

This afternoon, Boni and I went to the mall to go to Kay Jewelers. We've decided to start wearing our commitment rings again, but both of us needed to have our rings resized, since we've both lost so much weight since we bought the rings a few years ago. And guess what? We've both come down several sizes! I was a size 9 and now am having to have my ring made into a size 6.5. Boni was a size 6 and now she's having to wear a 4.5. This is major! I knew we'd lost a lot of weight, but to have lost so much in our fingers is just insane! How exciting!

After the mall, we went to the Raw Ozarks Potluck. It was a huge success. There were over 40 people there, the biggest potluck we've had so far. Heather and I both brought raw food products to sell and the hosts gave a demonstration on using a Vita-Mix to make raw soup. We had a great time. It's so wonderful to be getting to know so many people dedicated to their health. Guess I should be around those people more often to keep me reminded.

After the potluck, Heather, Boni and I went to The Perk to have tea and talk. Unfortunately, there was a live music entertainer there, so our talk was limited, since it was nearly impossible to hear.

It was a great day today, but I'm exhausted. My voice almost completely gave out at the potluck making announcements. My cold is still hanging on and I'm feeling very fatigued.

Food for Body:
- apple juice
- taste tested raw chocolate mint chocolate
- taste tested raw cilantro pesto
- Marketplace Express: bowl of cream of potato soup, large caffeinated iced tea
- Raw Ozarks Potluck: one plate of various raw gourmet dishes
- The Perk: pot of herbal Serene hot tea, honey, soy milk
- bowl of Progresso garden vegetable soup
- water

Exercise: None

February 14, 2005, Monday Major Life Change

Food for Thought:

Well, I wanted to wait a few days to tell the world this, but I've quit my job. I was the Marketing Coordinator for a Wal-Mart watch vendor, and I worked there 3 years. I gave my notice on Friday and accepted a part-time position as Marketing Coordinator for a local historical house and gardens as well as their new sister gardens (joint venture). I decided to leave the corporate world for a few reasons. One is that I can't stand the business world of money money money, Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart, sell sell sell, blah blah blah. Another reason is that I want to do something more with my life, actually more meaningful really. Working on something, and promoting something that has a higher purpose than just to make the company I work for, as well as Wal-Mart a whole helluva lot of money. I want to work in nature, for nature and with people who want the same. I want to be a part of something great. And then finally the third and probably most important reason I left a full time job and took a part time job, is so I can focus on what I really want to do. I really want to build this website, my Isle of Innis website, and my local business of selling raw-food items into my career, into the rest of my life. I have not, as you all know, made From SAD to RAW a commercial, business entity. It's been a completely free site, one where anyone can come and benefit from the sharing of knowledge and experience. And I want to keep it free. I don't want to actually charge for it, but I also know that this site has drawn a whole lotta people from around the world. There's something here people want, something they need. And I plan to keep providing it, and I want to keep making it better. And I'm scared some people may be offended or turned off from my site by what I'm about to say. But the time has come for me to start asking for people's help so I can continue doing what I'm doing; so I can do what I love and hopefully make my living out of it at the same time. As they say, "Do what you love and the money will come." I hope that's true. That's all I'm going to write for today...Over the next few weeks, I'll be thinking about and sharing with you what my plans and goals are. I hope I have your support, in whatever capacity you can offer. Here's to the next chapter in my life, and of course yours too...

PS My last day of work is February 25th, and I start the new part-time position with the gardens on March 1st.

Food for Body:
- glass of decaf iced tea
- banana
- orange
- Brioso Brazil: salad: romaine, leafy greens, bell pepper, carrot, celery, cucumber, sweet gherkins, creamy pasta salad, green olives, black olives, raisins, sunflower seeds, cashews; another trip to the salad bar for more cashews, raisins, and sunflower seeds, caffeinated iced tea
- 1/2 can Progresso tomato soup
- bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt
- glass of decaf iced tea
- 2 celery spears with peanut butter

Exercise: None

February 15, 2005, Tuesday Yoga!!

Food for Thought:

I've had a strange cramp, pain in my left arm between my shoulder and my elbow, since Sunday morning when I woke up. I must have slept on it wrong or something, but all I know is it's now Tuesday and the cramp is still there. I had a little lump in the same spot that I had checked a year ago, and it's still there. But it doesn't seem related, for some reason. I don't know. Interesting.

I started Yoga tonight. I signed up for a 4 week course by Karesa, a local raw foodist who lives/works at the Wholistic Life Center in Missouri. She's teaching the class in Pea Ridge, Arkansas at a church. I didn't know how many people would be there or if I'd know any of them, but I was just excited to be doing it. It was a great first class. Guess what we learned? The 5 Tibeten Rites for Rejuvenation. I remember another journaler was doing these Rites at one point a while back, and I was curious, but never actually did them myself. I'm looking forward to seeing what these Rites uncover for me, both emotionally and physically.

Several people have emailed me asking about the kind of support I'm wanting. So basically the deal is I'm not going to charge for my site. Instead, I'm going to ask for donations. It's as simple as that. If you feel my site has offered something to you and you can help keep it going and support me in my wanting to make it even better, donate what you can. Donate once, donate once a month, whatever you're comfortable with. Donate a dollar, donate five, donate more. Any amount you contribute will help me be able to devote more time to expanding and improving the site and the services I can offer.

How's this for an appropriate quote for today?

"We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiastic about."
- Charles Kingsley

And this horoscope came to me a few days ago. Pretty wild all things considered, eh?

"This is a good day for you to take charge and make changes you know are necessary -- for yourself and others. Your actions affect many."

Food for Body:
- banana
- apple juice
- orange juice
- raw brazil nuts
- orange juice
- Wendy's: spring mix salad (ate the cheese that was on it), baked potato with chives, large caffeinated iced tea, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- 1/2 bowl Progresso tomato soup
- bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt
- raw chocolate candy

Exercise: 1 hour yoga - 3 sets of the Tibeten Rites

February 16, 2005, Wednesday Is It Friday Yet?

Food for Thought:

Is it Friday yet? Pulllleeeeasssse. Long ass week. So ready for the weekend.

I did my set of Tibetan Rites again tonight. My stomach muscles are sore, I love it!

I feel good about what I ate today. I am noticing that I'm hungry all the time lately. I know some people have written that I'm not eating enough. Others have said I'm not eating the "right" foods. All I know, is I'm craving crap and having a tough time staying away from some cooked foods.

OH and finally here's a picture of David Wolfe and me at the talk he gave in Fayetteville a few weeks back.



This was a good daily inspiration for me today:

"I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure - try to please everybody." - Herbert Bayard Swope

Food for Body:
- glass of decaf iced tea
- banana
- orange
- raw brazil nuts
- Wendy's: spring mix salad (ate the cheese that was on it), baked potato with chives, large caffeinated iced tea, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- bite of banana, almond butter, honey and cashews (tasted weird)
- Panera: bowl of vegetable soup, Fandango Salad: leafy greens, mandarin oranges, walnuts, gorgonzola cheese, fat free raspberry vinaigrette, caffeinated iced tea
- raw chocolate mint chocolate
- bite of chocolate dipped frozen banana

Exercise: 3 sets of the Tibeten Rites; 1 1/2 hours hurriedly cleaning up the house, doing laundry, picking up

February 17, 2005, Thursday Touching On A Lot Of Topics

Food for Thought:

I think I forgot to write that I took back the body fat scale. It was pissing me off, I didn't like the results (grin) and someone emailed me to tell me their thoughts on the whole body fat determination thing. Here's what they said:

Good, that's $40 I can save. Now that I'm quitting my job, I won't be able to weigh myself every day, unless I go get a regular weight scale. We'll see.

Tonight I rushed home from working late at the office, just in time to get to dance class. I didn't want to miss it. I love that one night a week. It was a great class and I'm feeling more and more confident each week. Afterwards, I taught Sharon, my instructor, the Tibetan Rites and we did the set of 3 together. I like her big open space in her living room, and wish I had that in my house, room to spread out to do my Rites. I'm feeling a difference already in my body from doing the rites and I'm loving it.

Oh a while back, someone on a raw-food message forum started a discussion about raw food potlucks. Here's what they said, and then what I posted in response. Thought you might be interested in seeing my thoughts on it.

"I went to a raw potluck and was both irritated and angered at the situation. Two dishes were not raw. One mistakenly added frozen organic corn from costco, which isn't raw because they boil them before freezing them. She was disappointed when I told her. The other one used costcos salsa and then said when you go out to eat, you can expect everything to be raw. She did not seem to care, which made me angry.

I could have used not raw coconut oil in my cake icing, which is half price and no one would have noticed. But I spent twice as much, and used the organic, raw, not steamed coconut oil I pay dearly for. I also noticed everything had salt, which I tolerate, but do not use at home.

Most everything was loaded with sweets, fats, salt, or chocolate and tasted great, but it is not what I normally eat at home, so I get the gurgles after the potlucks. I usually just have a smoothie for breakfast, salad for lunch with nut or seed dressing and then vegetable juice for dinner. My stomach stays calm with that menu.

I am afraid I was the bearer of bad news in telling these people about the food not being raw. I am still upset about it and disappointed. We have health issues and are working hard to be raw. I expect this from not raw people, but not my raw friends. I am trying to be tolerant, but still feel upset about it. I plan to avoid or at least be very cautious of the dishes people bring that may not have raw food in them."

My response to this post was just to share my personal experience.

"We have monthly potlucks here in Northwest Arkansas. We encourage people to bring a list of their ingredients, or the exact recipe if possible. People are at varying levels of their rawness, have various beliefs about what is raw and what is "acceptable" or not...maple syrup, miso, honey, sprouted grains, etc. Therefore, if people list what's in the recipes, people can make their own decisions about what to eat or not eat. You can get so crazy in to being 100% raw, that you won't eat recipes with raw cashews, if the cashews weren't purchased at Nature's First Law, one fo the very few places that will guarantee their cashews have been hand shelled, thus avoiding the heat process. Anyway, it's all an individual choice. When I attend our Raw Potlucks, I go with the attitude of "take what I need and leave the rest." That makes for a wonderful environment to share support and friendship on this raw journey. (I also know how fortunate I am to live in a community where there ARE raw potlucks. Many people in America, and across the world, don't have such a resource to benefit from.")

If you're interested in seeing what our local group is about, along with tons of pictures from our events, go to www.RawOzarks.com."

Here's a link to a new tutorial by Raw Foodist and website owner, Dale Wing. This time he's sharing how to avoid the frothiness you get when making a raw soup in a blender or juicer.

http://www.hishealingways.com/separator/separator.html

Food for Body:
- raw chocolate mint chocolate
- orange juice
- more raw chocolate mint chocolate
- orange juice
- salad: spring mix, grape tomatoes, cucumber, bell peppers, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- water
- 2 falafel tacos: 1/2 raw falafel on 2 corn tortillas with ranch dip, water
- 2 more falafel tacos: 1/2 raw falafel on 2 corn tortillas with Annie's Goddess Dressing

Exercise: 1 hour Bellydancing, 3 sets of Tibetan Rites

February 18, 2005, Friday Date Night Friday Night

Food for Thought:

Boni and I went out on a date tonight. We went for a cooked meal at our favorite Thai restaurant, then went to see "Million Dollar Baby" at the movie theater. Good movie, not what I expected.

I'm eating cooked, and not caring at the moment. That's not good, but I have to be honest.

Food for Body:
- 2 glasses of 100% pure, not from concentrate, orange juice
- Brioso Brazil: 1 plate of salad: romaine, leafy greens, cucumber, bell peppers, celery, carrots, sweet gherkins, green olives, black olives, creamy pasta salad, raisins, sunflower seeds, cashews, fat free raspberry vinaigrette, caffeinated iced tea
- A Taste of Thai: 2 fried spring rolls with peanut oil sauce, 1 slice cucumber, vegetable soup, steamed rice, coconut curry peanut vegetable dish, water
- handful raw cashews
- bottle of water

Exercise: 3 sets of Tibetan Rites

February 19, 2005, Saturday Your Cooked Raw Grrl

Food for Thought:

So I have a raw website, and I'm not eating raw. I'm eating cooked and I'm having conversations with Boni about it. We agreed together that once my job ends next week, we're going back to high raw. Boni's funny that way. She has to set a date to start something. I guess I'm sort of relying on her dedication to a start date to pull my own head out of my ass and get myself back on track next week. Next week is key. Readers may not want to read my journal this week - I've got to hit another "bottom" in order to get back to what I know is best for me.

Today Boni and I went to Fayetteville for some shopping, dinner at Olive Garden, the Perk for tea and then Unity church for another Spiritual Cinema movie. Dinner at Olive Garden was different than normal for me. I chose to get a pasta dish with my salad. It was really good and I wish it hadn't been.

Today

Food for Body:
Panera: bowl of garden vegetable soup, Fandango salad: leafy greens, mandarin oranges, walnuts, gorgonzola cheese, fat free raspberry vinaigrette dressing, caffeinated iced tea
Olive Garden: 3 bowls of salad: romaine, black olives, roma tomatoes, Italian dressing, 2 croutons, bowl of linguine with tomato herb sauce, caffeinated iced tea
The Perk: decaf latte with soy milk and honey
Unity: 2 packets of dry roasted peanuts, can of 100% pure NOT from concentrate orange juice, sip of orange-pineapple juice
2 falafel tacos: 1/2 raw falafel, 2 corn tortillas, Annie's Goddess Dressing

Exercise: 3 sets of Tibetan Rites

February 20, 2005, Sunday The Serendipity of Innis

Food for Thought:

Today, Boni and I went to Fayetteville to have lunch and then meet her friends for coffee. She suggested a little Mexican restaurant that she and her friends frequent, and honestly, I was excited. I hate that I've become a non-raw foodist, but it is temporary, as I said yesterday. I'm going down, but I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

We went to Ozark Natural Foods afterwards and I bought some Cracked Bulgar Wheat to make tabouli, some dill weed, some Kiss My Face tea tree liquid soap, and got us tickets for the Annual Owner's Meeting coming up in March. The manager of Norwalk juicers is going to be speaking at it, and there will be a talk on growing food in your backyard, since Boni and I want to start growing a lot of our own food.

So the serendipity that I mention in the title is from the movie, "Million Dollar Baby," that Boni and I saw on Friday night. I was a little freaked out at this, that I didn't write about it until now. So you know how I named my business and my other site Isle of Innis? And you know how it was based on the poem by William Butler Yates, The Lake Isle of Innisfree? Well guess what poem Clint Eastwood read Hilary Swank in the movie? Yep, that poem. I could not believe it when I heard it. I looked over at Boni and she looked at me and I started crying even harder than I already was. I knew then that the decisions I'm making for my life, the changes in my career, the work I'm doing on my business are exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. It was the most wonderful confirmation I could have asked for. I am doing the right thing. Now if I can just get back to being raw.

Food for Body:
- 2 corn tortillas, glass of decaf iced tea
- Crap Cooked: El Camino Real: chips, salsa, queso, 2 cheese enchiladas, 3 flour tortillas, lettuce, tomato, shredded cheese, caffeinated iced tea
- Arsagas: decaf Earl Grey hot tea, soy milk, honey
- salad: leafy greens, grape tomatoes, cucumber, radishes, celery, carrots, bell peppers, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt
- peach smoothie: frozen peaches, frozen banana, agave nectar, soy milk
- handful raw nuts, raisins
- a few globe grapes
- glass of decaf iced tea
- nectarine

Exercise: 3 sets of Tibetan Rites

February 21, 2005, Monday A Massage and a Meal

Food for Thought:

I went to Rajashree's house tonight for a massage. She is really amazing. The pressure points that she does on the bottom of my feet are one of my favorites. The other thing she tried on me tonight is Craniosacral Therapy where she put one hand under the left side of my torso and the other hand on top of my body and did some kind of rhythm technique of "gently nudging the sacrum/rib cage to break up the obstructions in the normal flow of the cerebrospinal fluid that bathes the brain and spinal cord." I fell asleep several times during the massage, which is very unusual for me, in the past anyway. She's got some really amazing energy that just relaxes me completely.

After the massage, Rajashree and Deepak invited me to stay for dinner. I've gotten so open minded when it comes to trying new foods. I tried and enjoyed everything they served me. It was all cooked, but seemed so very healthy. Other cultures really know something we don't. We talked a lot about the Indian culture and about our businesses and doing what we really want to be doing in life. It was a lot of fun and felt so good to just hang out and not have to be "doing" something. Rajashree brought out some truly raw cashews with the skins still on them, from Goa, which I think Deepak told me was in Northern India, near Bombay, or something like that. Anyway, it was from a friend of theirs who has a Cashew garden. I really enjoyed it with the skins on, it was like a crunchy outer layer that tasted really good. She said some people think it's bitter, but I didn't. I enjoyed it. I loved being a part of their home life. I've felt very disconnected from my friends lately, so it was nice to feel a connection to a few newer ones.

Oh I wanted to mention I'm behind by about 45 emails that I need to respond to. If you've sent me an email and have not received a response, I'm workin' on it, promise! I respond to all emails, I've just gotten super swamped trying to finish up things at work this week. I also have several new raw-in-progress pictures of people to add to the site too, as well as tons of links, books and recipes. See, this is why I've quit my job - I need all this time to work on the site. It's gonna just keep getting better and better.

Oh I wanted to mention that several people have emailed me offering suggestions on ways to avoid charging for my site. I just wanted to clarify. I'm not charging for my site. I'm requesting donations - that's voluntary based on if you feel this site is benefiting you in some way.

Food for Body:
- blueberry smoothie: pint of fresh blueberries, 1 1/2 frozen bananas, ice, soy milk, agave nectar
- Wendy's: spring mix salad (with the cheese they put on it), Fat Free French dressing, baked potato with chives, large caffeinated iced tea
- several baby dill pickles, raw cashews, raisins, raw macadamia nuts
- glass of decaf iced tea
- Rajashree's for homemade cooked dinner: 1 chapati (wheat flour type of rolled bread), bhaji (collard greens), matki (sprouted usal, cooked with spices), wild and brown basmati rice, 1 flax almond butter ball, 2 cashews with skins, cup of Bulgarian buttermilk with agave nectar

Exercise: Oops, too tired tonight to do my Tibetan Rites. Dangit!

February 22, 2005, Tuesday Doctor Results and Yoga!

Food for Thought:

I had my annual doctor's exam today. I decided to go ahead and get one for two reasons, 1.) my Celexa prescription is running out and I need to get more, and 2) my job is ending so there may be a lapse in my insurance til I get a new plan in place. So my doctor was astounded to see the weight I'd lost and of course wanted to know how I'd done it. I brought in my before and current pictures and she's keeping them in my file to show her other patients who are wanting to lose a lot of weight in a healthy way. She of course asked if I was getting enough protein so I went on a monologue about how Americans get too much protein as it is and it's animal protein, not protein that is easily digestible, blah blah blah. I told her I get plant protein from leafy greens and other healthy protein from nuts and seeds, yada yada yada. She seemed impressed that I was doing it slow, and exercising and not doing some fad diet (though some might consider Raw a fad). She and I were both also VERY pleased to see my blood pressure results. In December 2003, before I ever went raw, my blood pressure was 124/80 (systolic/diastolic). Today it is 108/70, which she said is completely healthy. Woohoo!! The miracles of healthy, raw eating and the resulting weight loss.

I have to say I was not happy to see that the scale read me at 239, though I did have my appointment at lunch time, after having eaten for several hours AND I was fully dressed, which I'm usually not when I weigh in the bathroom at my office (yes, I really did take my clothes off at work each time I weighed). Anyway, I'm not letting that number get to me, cause the day before my weight at the office said 232, in the morning with no clothes on.

So the other thing my doctor said is she wants me to go down to 20mg of Celexa. With the amount of weight loss I've had, she said I should have gone down a long time ago (but I never went in to the doctor this whole year). She doesn't know that I had already weaned myself down to 40mg months ago, but oh well. So I'm going to start weaning down to 20mg this week. She said she doesn't want me to go off of it completely, at least not now with all of the life changes going on. We'll see how I do on 20mg I guess. She wrote me a year's worth of prescriptions so even if I don't have insurance, I can at least get the script filled.

My friend Dan came over after work today to buy a few raw food things. We always talk about raw food stuff, our feelings, experiences, knowledge we've learned, etc. It's so nice. He's such a neat guy and I'm so glad I've gotten to know him better. We ate some raw falafel and he tried my raw chocolate mint chocolate recipe. He loved it and I gave him the rest to take to his work buddies - he's always trying to get them to try raw foods, especially the kind that imitates SAD recipes.

Tonight I went to Yoga class. I feel so wonderful going to this class. I don't want to stop, whether that's in this class (she may or may not continue after this 4 week session) or in a new one. It really makes a difference for me to actually go somewhere and be a part of exercise with others. We upped our set of Tibetan Rites to 5 tonight. I didn't do my rites last night and I felt crappy today, so I was glad to get to class tonight to jump start it again. It's a really nice group and I love the energy of our instructor, Karesa.

On my way to Yoga tonight, I was in a turn lane to go into Taco Bell. I was wanting crap and figured I'd get cinnamon twists, nachos and tortillas. At the last minute, I chose to turn right instead of left and I pulled into Subway. I got my old standby, the veggie wrap with baked lays. See, for me it's making a better choice. Baked instead of fried, vegan instead of just vegetarian, whole wheat instead of white, soy milk instead of cow's, etc. Each day I have a choice, some days I choose the not so healthy one, some days I choose the really healthy one. On Monday, my re-start date for healthy, high raw eating, I will work to make the healthiest possible choices.

I have 3 days of work left, before my job ends. Several people have emailed asking what my occupation is and what it will be in my new part time position. I have been a Marketing/Licensing Coordinator for a large watch vendor for the last 3 years. My new job will be part-time and I'll be the Marketing Coordinator for the Peel House Foundation. There are two projects I'll be marketing for: the 1875 Peel Mansion and Historic Gardens as well as the new Compton Garden, set to open in April 2005. This as well as all the work I'm going to be doing on my own business is going to keep me very busy! But I'm so looking forward to starting this new chapter of my life.

Food for Body:
- 24 oz 100% pure, not from concentrate, apple juice
- 1 c. almonds
- Atlanta Bread Company: 1/2 bowl creamy tomato soup, salad: romaine, green apples, walnuts, dried cranberries, blue cheese crumbles, 1/4 pickle spear, honey mustard dressing, caffeintaed iced tea
- 1/2 falafel patty with Annie's Goddess Dressing, bite of raw chocolate mint chocolate, glass of decaf iced tea
- Subway: veggie wrap: whole wheat wrap with iceberg lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber, pickles, green pepper, Fat Free Honey Mustard dressing, baked bbq lays chips
- couple of sips of water

Exercise: 1 hour yoga class - 5 sets of the Tibetan Rites

February 23, 2005, Wednesday Counseling and Olive Garden

Food for Thought:

Last night before bed, I put some organic bulgar cracked wheat in a bowl with some oil, water, red/green/yellow bell peppers, diced portabella mushrooms, sliced grape tomatoes and spices and put it in the fridge to marinate/soak, whatever. I thought making Tabouli as gonna be some major ordeal, but after talking with Dan yesterday, I understand it's easy!

Tonight after work, Boni and I went to our couples counseling in Fayetteville. I think this whole quitting my job and starting a new one and all might be getting to me just a bit. I started bawling about half way through, and not that me crying is such an unusual event, but I was really crying. Like I felt like I was overwhelmed and just sorta broke down. I felt better afterwards, but is was a bit intense and scary. Being vulnerable is a toughie for me.

After counseling, we went to Olive Garden for dinner. My mom always give me (and Boni) gift cards for holidays and Valentine's this year was no different. She sent us both $20 gift cards each to there. I debated in my head before we got there if I was going to get pasta again or just soup and salad. Then I debated that if I got soup and salad would I then eat breadsticks. I even thought of ordering a Diet Coke. It's like I'm thinking a lot about the fact that Monday is my day for going back to high raw, and maybe I should eat whatever I want. But it's not easy for me to think about eating like that all the time. I can eat crap cooked every so often, but to eat it every day puts this huge weight on my shoulders (not to mention my ass). I know this is huge progress, to realize that choosing pizza, chips, sandwiches, french fries, every day is no longer an option for me. I'm forever changed by this journey. I may never be the "raw chick" that I've labeled myself on my business cards, but I'm a chick on a raw journey and I guess that's enough for me, for now.

PS I did eat one breadstick at Olive Garden and took a bite out of a second one but put it back in the bowl for the waiter to take away.

Food for Body:

- blueberry smoothie: frozen blueberries, 1 1/2 frozen bananas, soy milk
- banana
- Nature's Valley granola bar
- small bowl raw tabouli, small bowl Progresso chunky tomato soup, small bowl organic apple sauce from a jar, glass of decaf iced tea
- some cashews, macadamia nuts, brazil nuts
- Olive Garden: 3 bowls salad: romaine, black olives, roma tomatoes, Italian dressing, 1 breadstick, 2 bowls minestrone soup, caffeinated iced tea
- bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt
- glass of decaf iced tea

Exercise: 5 sets of Tibetan Rites

February 24, 2005, Thursday Brioso and Bellydancing

Food for Thought:

Lately my entry titles are so boring, I don't have any enlightening words of wisdom to share right now I suppose. That's probably cause the cooked food is inundating my brain and making my thinking foggy. Haha.

Today my colleague and I went to Brioso Brazil for lunch. For some reason, maybe cause it was my last meal on the company, I got the full buffet, and proceeded to completely avoid the salad bar. I of course, stayed vegetarian, but other than that it was Carb City. I loaded up on soup, potatoes, cashews, and pasta, with some carrots and broccoli thrown in for good measure (no, really they were quite tasty, it just so happens that everything else was tasty too). I paid for it later in the day with a bloated stomach and even a headache.

I went to bellydancing tonight. Same ole' same ole. I wanted to go to Taco Bell, but changed my mind at the last minute and went to Subway. Not that a veggie wrap with baked chips is exactly healthy, but damn sure better than Taco Hell. Bellydancing was great, as always. Afterward, my instructor and I did the Tibetan Rites. I wish myliving room was that big and spacious to do my rites every day without worrying about moving stuff.

Food for Body:
- 100% pure, not from concentrate, orange juice
- banana
- Brioso Brazil: plate of roasted herb potatoes, cooked carrots, cooked broccoli, roasted/salted cashews, roasted/salted sunflower seeds, raisins, creamy pasta salad, two small cups of corn chowder soup, caffeinated iced tea
- Nature's Valley granola bar
- Subway: veggie wrap: whole wheat wrap with iceberg lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber, pickles, green pepper, Fat Free Honey Mustard dressing, baked bbq lays chips, caffeinated iced tea
- bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt
- decaf iced tea

Exercise: 1 hour bellydancing, 5 sets of Tibetan Rites

February 25, 2005, Friday Buh-Bye

Food for Thought:

That was it. Today was my last day of work. I felt like that's what I was saying as I left. Buh-Bye Advance Group, Inc.. Buh-Bye old life. I actually managed to get the 50 odd things done my boss asked me to do before I left. I ended up finishing by 12:30 and so I left, putting up my office key and saying goodbye to my colleague. It felt so strange to leave, that last time, knowing I'd not be in that office ever again. Strange for sure.

I wanted to go have Acambaro by myself as a celebratory meal (I know I know, not good to celebrate things with crap cooked food, or food in general, but hell I'm only human), but I needed to meet the handyman at my house so he could fix one of my electrical outlets in the kitchen. It shocked me twice in the last week cause it's so old and crappy, and now that I'll be in the kitchen a lot more doing raw gourmet and making crackers, etc., I figured I'd better get him in to fix it.

After he left, I did end up going to Acambaro for lunch. It was good, and I make the concious decision to not ask for a second basket of chips, even though I'd only finished about 1/4 of my cup of queso. After lunch, I drove next door and washed my car in one of those self-service car washes. Then I cleaned out the inside of any trash that has accumulated over the last several months of laziness. I went home and just dug right into my home life. I refilled all the bird feeders, did some laundry, armor-all'd the entire inside of my car, and made some raw chocolate candy for Boni and I to have this weekend. I didn't make the mint kind, as we're both burned out on that flavor right now. I always manage to make so much of every recipe that we end up sick to death of it by the time we get to the end of a container.

We were supposed to go to Fayetteville to join Boni's friends for happy hour and then dinner, but Boni was exhausted from her work week, so we decided to just go have dinner instead. She said she wanted to take me to our favorite Thai restaurant to celebrate the end of my job (and the beginning of my new life). On our way, my friend Karen called and she and Sara came to meet us for dinner. We had a wonderful time, and I ate way more than I needed and way worse than I would have liked. I reminded myself, and Boni - as she gave me little "you know better than that" glances, that I was giving myself until Sunday night to eat like shit so I could "get it out of my system" as so many of us Bingers like to do. I, of course, felt like shit afterwards, but figured it is all part of the process of eating cooked food to the point of glutony and then experiencing the consequences of that overindulgence.

My body is gonna make me pay for these last few days of crap eating by gaining several pounds, and barely fitting into my normally comfortable clothes. Let's see how much more misery I can inflict on myself through the weekend, so I'll be sure to want to go back to high raw on Monday.

Food for Body:

- glass of decaf iced tea
- banana
- nectarine
- 16 oz 100% pure, not from concentrate, orange juice
- Acambaro Mexican Restaurant: 1 basket of chips, 1/4 cup queso, salsa, lettuce, tomato, 1 cheese enchilada, caffeinated iced tea
- A Taste of Thai: 2 fried spring rolls with peanut sesame oil, cup of vegetable soup, steamed rice, iced thai tea, regular iced tea, ginger eggplant vegetable plate in a clear vegetable sauce, sticky rice with mango and coconut ice cream (yes, I ate all that)

Exercise: 5 sets of Tibetan Rites

February 26, 2005, Saturday Crap Cooked Climax

Food for Thought:

I forgot to mention the drunken high I had last night after dinner at A Taste of Thai. I was sitting at the table and nearly passed out from the drunkenness of all the food I ate, and of course the type of food I ate. The iced Thai tea first gave me a headache cause it's loaded with sugar and condensed milk, then all of the rice, and especially the dessert slowed me down to almost a comatose state. I felt literally drunk. I was slurring my words and was leaning on Boni. I could have fallen asleep right there. It was really quite bizarre, and I forgot to mention it in last night's journal entry.

So, did I learn my lesson from that encounter? Now really, did you think I was gonna let my last weekend of crap cooked food eating go away unused? Surely not. Tonight Boni and I went to have Mexican food, my last hurrah of crap eating. Actually I figured I technically have tomorrow too, however after this meal, I realized that was it. I'm done with Mexican, I'm done with breads, I'm done with all of that. Ugh, what a fat cow I feel like. What a bloated, miserable sack of cooked crap I am today. Ok, enough with the negativity. I am not going to beat myself up. Instead I'm stating the obvious. Cooked crap is not good for me, much cooked food at all is not good for me. High raw is a wonderful way to live and I will begin my ascent back into the High Raw Mile Club, as I heard it mentioned the other day in some article. I will ease myself back into it starting tomorrow, but commit that on Monday, it's vegan, high raw again.

What did I do today? A whole lotta stuff around the house, I guess. I marinated some mushrooms in my normal Sweet and Sour Ginger Dressing, marinated some eggplant to make Bacon, Why Not, made several pitchers of decaf iced tea, did some more laundry, soaked some almonds, recorded a whole bunch of video tapes to DVD with this new DVD recorder that Boni and I bought a few weeks back. I've been making these fruit smoothies, that are actually more like fruit milkshakes, cause I've used soy milk with the frozen fruit. After I finish this soy milk container, I'm going to start making almond milk to use in these shakes, cause they really are delicious and filling and I want them to be completely healthy.

Food for Body:

- blueberry smoothie: apple juice, soy milk, frozen bananas, frozen blueberries
- decaf iced tea
- 2 tabouli/falafel tacos: raw tabouli and raw falafel, 2 corn tortillas, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- Maria's Mexican Restaurant: shared 2 baskets of chips, queso, salsa, lettuce, tomato, 1 cheese enchilada, 4 flour tortillas, caffeinated iced tea, 1 mint
- 2 tabouli/falafel tacos: raw tabouli and raw falafel, 2 corn tortillas, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- decaf iced tea
- raw chocolate candy

Exercise: None (oops, forgot to do the Rites!)

February 27, 2005, Sunday A Day for Moi

Food for Thought:

I stayed home the whole day until Boni came over and got me and we went to Atlanta Bread Company to hang out, play on our computers, whatever. I didn't do my Rites today; disappointed in myself about that, but I suppose the fact that I've been doing them so many days a week is huge progress.

My intentions for today were to eat very high raw. I didn't exactly do that, but I feel ok with my choices, and will work hard tomorrow to eat even more healthy. I am proud that I did avoid any bread or chip items today. I don't even know what I mean by "high raw," but I guess I do know the difference between healthy eating and what I have been doing. I'm looking forward to those wonderful feelings I get when I eat healthy and the pride I have when I look in the mirror and don't see "fat."

The creamy tomato soup came from Boni's lunch at Camille's in Fayetteville with her friends. Then at Atlanta Bread Company, she said she was thinking of getting some chunky potato soup and I said I'd have a few bites if she did. Ends up that I ate about half her bowl. It was quite salty, which we've been discovering with most of Atlanta's soups. Didn't stop me from eating it though.

I soaked almonds today and made almond milk tonight using my Vita-Mix and pantyhose. I made some Mexi-Chips, Honey-Cinnamon-Almond crackers and some "bacon" from the recipe "Bacon, Why Not." I purchased some Ume Plum Vinegar the other day at Ozark Natural Foods since the last time I made that recipe, I used Apple Cider Vinegar and it turn out too great.

I don't start my new job until Tuesday, so I'm gonna spend the day tomorrow doing things for me, working on determining some of my goals, and just having a great day off.

Food for Body:
- blueberry smoothie: apple juice, soy milk, frozen bananas, frozen blueberries
- decaf iced tea
- small bowl of creamy tomato soup
- decaf iced tea
- random handfuls of macadamia nuts, almonds, cashews, raisins
- several pieces of raw chocolate candy
- Atlanta Bread Company: smoothie: frozen strawberries, frozen blueberries, frozen bananas, apple juice; 1/2 bowl of chunky potato soup, caffeinated iced tea
- bag of roasted/salted peanuts in the shell
- glass of decaf iced tea
- bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt
- some more raw chocolate candy

Exercise: None

February 28, 2005, Monday I Already Feel a Difference!

Food for Thought:

Whoa, I feel a huge difference already. I ate a baked potato today, which obviously wasn't raw, but overall I ate super duper healthy and I'm feeling the rewards of healthy choices. It's so amazing how one day of crap eating can make me feel like an ogre and one day of healthy raw eating can make me feel like a champ, or whatever other cool title you can think of. The only thing I'm noticing is these two days of not doing yoga or any form of exercise makes me not feel as energized as I normally do. I really would like to see myself doing something each day, whether that's stretching or walking or bellydancing or something. My two nights a week that I have scheduled exercise - Tuesday-yoga and Thursday-bellydancing - are for sure my favorite nights of the week. I know I will exercise, I know I will get out of the house and do something good for me. It's like a little contract I have with myself that I can not break.

I stayed at home most of the day today, just going out to run a few errands to the post office and the movie rental store. Tomorrow is my first day of work with my part-time job. It's going to be strange to go to work for 4 1/2 hours each day. Good, but strange. It's going to give me so much time to do the things I really want to be doing. I'm actually down to 35 emails to respond to. I'm so happy! I hate that I'm not able to quickly respond to people as soon as they email me. I'm hopeful that once I'm caught up, I'll be able to respond within 24-48 hours instead of sometimes weeks, as it is now. Since I individually read and respond to each email, if an email is long or has several questions, I don't want to hurry a response; I want to give it my full attention.

Tonight I went over to Boni's and we watched "Medium." I was so hungry when I got there and so she made me a banana-almond-butter-honey snack and I had a glass of this yummy combo juice she had.

I have a bunch of recipes in my fridge now, but none of them are really enticing me right now. I plan to make some raw raviolis this week and maybe some other new raw recipes. We'll see what I have energy and ingredients for.

Food for Body:
- blueberry smoothie: squeezed grape/nectarine/kiwi juice, almond milk, frozen bananas, frozen blueberries
- decaf iced tea
- Wendy's: plain baked potato with chives, side salad with Fat Free French dressing, caffeinated iced tea
- taste tests of "Bacon, Why Not," Mexi-Chips, honey Grahams out of the dehydrator
- random handfuls of macadamia nuts, cashews, almonds, raisins
- salad: romaine, celery, carrots, green olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- glass of decaf iced tea
- salad: romaine, celery, carrots, radishes, cucumber, grape tomatoes, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- banana with almond butter and honey
- glass of 100% pure pineapple-banana-orange juice

Exercise: None, again

March 1, 2005, Tuesday First Day of Work

Food for Thought:

Started my new job today. Part-time position, full-time responsibilities. Went to yoga tonight, I needed it.

Food for Body:
- peach smoothie: squeezed grape/nectarine/kiwi juice, almond milk, frozen bananas, frozen peaches
- random handfuls of macadamia nuts, cashews, raisins, almonds
- navel orange
- glass of decaf iced tea
- bowl of vegetarian vegetable soup with some raw Mexi-Chips, Bacon Why Not and raw Honey Grahams
- blueberry-strawberry smoothie: squeezed grape/nectarine/kiwi juice, almond milk, frozen bananas, frozen blueberries, frozen strawberries
- Wendy's: plain baked potato with chives and a bit of Fat Free French dressing, 3 bites of side salad with Fat Free French dressing, caffeinated iced tea
- raw chocolate candy
- random handfuls of macadamia nuts, cashews, raisins, almonds

Exercise: 1 hour yoga class, 7 sets of Tibetan Rites

March 6, 2005, Sunday It Lives

Food for Thought:

I'm alive, folks. It has been a VERY crazy week with my new job. This first week I did not work part-time, as is to be my schedule. I worked long hours preparing marketing materials and getting ready for a board meeting and a business expo. I ate fairly decent all week. Each day I had one cooked thing - either a plain baked potato, a bowl of soup, or a couple of tortillas, etc. This weekend I didn't eat as well. I had Thai for dinner Friday night, but didn't have fried spring rolls, Thai tea or sticky rice, so I guess that was good. Saturday afternoon Boni and I went and had a Chinese buffet. Ugh, this week was just quite hellish as far as taking care of myself. I did the 7 sets of Tibetan Rites about every other night, not as often as I'd like, but often enough for me to feel good. Oh, guys, it's just been a very very tiring week and I'm not myself right now. I need rest, I need to eat healthy, I need to exercise, I need to work the hours I'm scheduled, I need to play with my pups, and I need to work on my business. Oh and I need to take new, updated pictures of myself. I need to do a lot.

Food for Body:
- strawberry banana chocolate smoothie: frozen strawberries, frozen bananas, soy milk, orange juice, carob powder, cacao nibs, agave nectar
- bowl of Progresso minestrone soup
- 3 large flour tortillas
- glass of decaf iced tea
- random handfuls of raisins, cashews, walnuts, brazil nuts, macadamia nuts, pecans
- Raw Raviolis, Salad: mixed greens, radishes, carrots, grape tomatoes, cucumber, celery, sweet peppers, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- glass of decaf iced tea

Exercise: None

March 7, 2005, Monday I Don't Have Time for Thoughts

Food for Thought:

Seriously, still going a bit full force right now. Don't have time for any thoughts...well, except to note that I had Maria's for lunch today! No maam! I mean, I hardly ate all day, then ate crap, then ate some more crap. Who do I think I am? Not a raw foodist, that's for damn sure. Nah, I still call myself a high-raw foodist, I just hang my head in a bit of shame as I say it....Ugh, have some issues right now, don't I?

"Oh here she comes, Watch out boy she'll chew crap up, Oh here she comes, she's a stress-eater."
(sung to the tune of Darryl Hall and John Oates' "Maneater")

Anyway, I have lots of things I'm thinking, lots I want to share, lots I want to journal, just don't have time today to do it. Soon, I promise.

Food for Body:
- Maria's Mexican Restaurant: tortilla chips, queso, lettuce, tomato, salsa, 4 flour tortillas, caffeinated iced tea
- bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt
- blueberry smoothie: frozen blueberries, frozen banana, soy milk

Exercise: None

March 8, 2005, Tuesday Calzone and the Yoga Zone

Food for Thought:

I'm in heaven. I created a half raw/half cooked meal and I can't stop thinking about it! I took whole wheat tortillas, warmed them on the stove, then put raw raviolis inside them. It is JUST like a calzone. Oh my oh my oh my! I know, defeats the purposes of going to the trouble of making a raw gourmet dish, but hey, I'm tryin' here :)

Went to yoga tonight. I love love love it! It is definitely one of the best investments in myself I've made. It feels so wonderful and even when I don't really wanna go, once I get there and especially once I'm done, I feel like a million bucks. It motivates me, it strenghtens me, it rejuvenates me.

Oh, yea, I had a Diet Pepsi today. I know! I had the idea of a bagel with cream cheese in one hand and the idea of a Diet Pepsi in the other. I guess if I'd had a third hand, I might have had another idea, but alas, I did not. It was crazy on my tongue and throat - the fizziness is so intense, like an Altoid!

Ok, but wait, back to Panera's food choices. So, I went to Panera, ordered my favorite soup, and salad, and said "no roll." I had iced tea, then wanted the bagel, but chose the Diet Pepsi. Then I had another iced tea, but wanted the bagel again. So I went and ordered another whole salad, this time not saying, "no roll." But before he called my name to pick up my order, I went up to the preparer and said, "no roll." Half mad at myself for saying no roll and the other half for not having said in the first place, I was reminded of my mantra - Progress not perfection. Go me!

Food for Body:
- 16 oz orange juice
- 6 raw raviolis wrapped in 3 whole wheat tortillas
- blueberry smoothie: frozen blueberries, frozen banana, rest of soy milk, almond milk
- glass of decaf iced tea
- Panera: bowl of vegetarian roasted corn soup, half Fandango salad: romaine, leafy greens, mandarin oranges, walnuts, gorgonzola cheese, fat free raspberry vinaigrette, caffeinated iced tea, full Fandango salad: romaine, leafy greens, mandarin oranges, walnuts, gorgonzola cheese, fat free raspberry vinaigrette, caffeinated iced tea, Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi
- mixed berry smoothie: frozen blueberries, frozen strawberries, frozen banana, almond milk
- bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt (ate this super late, was trying SO hard not to, but caved at the end of the night)
- glass of decaf iced tea

Exercise: 1 hour yoga, 9 sets of Tibetan Rites included in that hour (felt wonderful!!!!)

March 9, 2005, Wednesday The Get Real Challenge

Food for Thought:

So, I weighed today. I'm 241. Yes, you read that right. 241 pounds. I'm Michelle, and I weigh 241 pounds. It's not the end of the world, the sky is not falling, I'm not a failure, I'm not canceling the From SAD to RAW website. I'm not going to run and hide and pretend this journey has been easy and I've lost all the weight I want. Not true. I'm just being honest. I've gained some weight.

So I took Rachel's weight loss challenge, otherwise known to me as "The Get Real Challenge." Remember Dr. Phil's Get Real Challenge on Oprah, the one that made him famous? Well I'm getting real. I'm being honest. I have eating issues. I have a predisposition to fat. I have an allergy to crap food. I break out in fat. Whatever. Rachel posted on the From SAD to RAW yahoo group that she wanted to get a challenge going to see who could lose the most weight in 12 weeks. As most of you know by now, I'm not one to take a challenge like that, as it sets me up for failure, certain self-defeat. However, that number on the scale pissed me off. I will NOT go back to January 2003, to 310 pounds, to depression, self-loathing, illness, certain death. I may take a little longer to get to my ultimate goal weight of 170 pounds, but I will get there. I will accept Rachel's challenge - I will challenge myself. I may not lose the most weight, that really isn't my goal, but dammit, I want to be up there in the running! (Hell, I just wanna be running again.) Anyway, my goal is to lose 20 pounds in 12 weeks. A very healthy, attainable goal.

So folks, cheer me on, support me even on my not-so-healthy or certainly my not-so-raw days, especially on those days. I want to be healthy, I want to succeed. I want to be proud of my accomplishments, not guilt-ridden or full of disgust for my minor setbacks. Oh and feel free to join the yahoo group to watch us and talk with us as we challenge each other.

PS I got my lab results back on my cholesterol. Everything was normal, except my triglycerides. They were a little high. Sharon emailed me and let me know that high triglyceride readings mean too much fat in the diet. I responded that since I have too much fat still on my body, that's probably a likely diagnosis.

Food for Body:
- blueberry smoothie: almond milk, orange juice, frozen blueberries, frozen banana
- small bowl organic potato leek soup
- 6 raw raviolis wrapped in 3 whole wheat tortillas
- glass of decaf iced tea
- 4 raw raviolis wrapped in 2 whole wheat tortillas (see a pattern?)
- glass of decaf iced tea
- fruit salad: 1 banana, 1 braeburn apple, 1 orange
- 4 raw raviolis, salad: romaine, leafy greens, green olives, black olives, grape tomatoes, carrots, celery, radishes, raisins, sunflower seeds, cucumber, Annie's Goddess Dressing, slice of raw chocolate-banana pie
- glass of decaf iced tea
- handful of macadamia nuts, cashews, almonds, raisins
- swig of banana-pineapple-orange juice

Weight: 241 pounds

Exercise: None

March 10, 2005, Thursday Roll With It

Food for Thought:

I don't know what I was gonna write here today. Something stupid about eating rolls I suppose. Oh well, you see what I ate.

Food for Body:
- glass of pineapple-banana-orange juice
- 6 raw raviolis wrapped in 3 whole wheat tortillas
- glass of decaf iced tea
- Atlanta Bread Company: salad: romaine, leafy greens, green apples, dried cranberries, walnuts, blue cheese crumbles, tomatoes, honey mustard dressing, roll, caffeinated iced tea, 2 pieces of sample bread with creamy dill sauce
- Atlanta Bread Company: salad: romaine, leafy greens, green apples, dried cranberries, walnuts, blue cheese crumbles, tomatoes, honey mustard dressing, roll, caffeinated iced tea
- 6 raw raviolis wrapped in 3 whole wheat tortillas

Weight: 241 pounds

Exercise: 1 hour bellydancing, 9 sets of Tibetan Rites, practicing along with some of my instructor's bellydancing DVDs as I recorded copies of them for myself

March 14, 2005, Monday What Am I Doing?

Food for Thought:

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm really really not sure what I'm doing, guys. I'm in a place that I'm just not sure what to do, what to think, what to feel, what I believe, what I want. I mean, we all know what we want, deep down. We want to be healthy, we want to be attractive, we want to feel good, be proud, succeed. But what is it inside me (all I can speak for is myself), that wants me to fail, that doesn't want me to feel happiness, contentment, satisfaction, pride, self-love? I don't know what it is...something from my childhood, something from years of pain and discomfort in my own skin. I'm in a funk, world. It's not that I'm depressed. It's not that my life is out of control, it's not that I dislike my new job, it's not that I feel alone in my home, it's not that my relationship is on the rocks. None of those things are true. Those are things that used to be true. All of them. But now, for some reason, when my life is finally going the way I want it to, the way I dreamed it could, I can't handle it. I can't handle being happy. Boni says it to me all the time, she says I won't allow myself to be happy. I have to self-sabotage. Turn a good thing bad. What is that!!!??? So yes, as you can tell, some self-destructive behaviors have a hold on me right now. I haven't totally gone off the deep end, but I'm treading water in some dangerous waters. I will not give up, I'll never give up - but must I hit a new low in order to get back up again? Please pray for me that I won't lose my way for long. I still believe.

Food for Body:
Friday - Atlanta Bread Company for lunch (salad, roll), then Outback Steakhouse for dinner (bloomin' onion, salad, steamed veggies, pumpernickel bread and butter)

Saturday - smoothie, fruit, nuts, then Maria's for dinner (chips, queso, salsa, tortillas, lettuce, tomato)

Sunday - nothing all day, then Panera for dinner (salad, roll, bagel with reduced fat cream cheese, cookie)

Monday - nothing all day, then Subway for late lunch (veggie patty wrap, baked Lays) and Golden Dragon chinese buffet for dinner (cooked veggie dishes, 3 coconut macaroons and a few bites ice cream)

Exercise:
Friday - 9 sets of Tibetan Rites

Saturday - 4 hours preparing and painting at Boni's new house

Sunday - 4 hours preparing and painting at Boni's new house

Monday - none

March 15, 2005, Tuesday Meditteranean Meal

Food for Thought:
I worked another full-time day today. I've already worked my part-time hours for the week in the last two days. I'm going to take off on Friday, so at least that will help. Tomorrow after work I don't have any plans and boy am I looking forward to that! Tonight after work, Boni and I went to Fayetteville to a bellydancing benefit at a Mediterranean restaurant. Sharon, my bellydancing instructor, was performing, along with a bunch of other dancers, to benefit a local organization to help people in need. The restaurant served a full-course buffet, to which I indulged. I have to say the best thing I ate all night was Karesa's raw cookie concoction. She's pretty talented in the kitchen!

PS I haven' t weighed, and I don't wanna. My new size 6.5 ring is too tight, so I'm not able to wear it right now.

Food for Body:
- several sips water
- banana
- A Taste of Thai: bowl of vegetable soup, caffeinated iced tea, 2 fried spring rolls with peanut sesame oil, 1/2 orange slice, 1 marashino cherry, steamed rice with veggies in a bean sauce, split dessert of sticky rice, mango and ice cream
- Emelia's Mediterranean Restaurant: random vegetarian, but not exactly healthy, dishes; 2 1/2 raw cookies Karesa brought, 1/2 raw flax cookie Karesa brought, caffeinated iced tea

Exercise: None

March 17, 2005, Wednesday Just a Day, Just a Day, Just an Ordinary Day

Food for Thought:

I forgot to mention that I started my period on Monday. Expained A LOT of my emotions the last week, and of course my cravings. I've been working long hours again and really can NOT wait until I'm working a normal part-time schedule. I've managed to make some flax crackers this week, but that's about it for raw gourmet stuff. It's funny, I rarely eat the raw gourmet snacks I make - I just make them to sell to others. I want to make those sweet cannoli desserts that Alissa's famous for. Maybe next week I'll do that.

A reader sent me this absolutely perfect quote to me today. This says it all!!

“You are in the process of major inner transformation, and it isn't always easy. You are going to have to tolerate feeling lost and unstable for a while. Ultimately, you will be all the more blessed for having lived through this difficult period.”

Food for Body:
Tuesday: nothing all day, then Maria's Mexican Restaurant crap cooked for early dinner, nothing the rest of the night
Wednesday: blueberry smoothie: frozen blueberries, frozen banana, orange juice, soy milk; handful raw mixed nuts, Panera: salad: mixed greens, gorgonzola cheese, mandarin oranges, fat free raspberry vinaigrette, caffeinated iced tea, roll

Exercise:
Tuesday: none
Wednesday: none

Weight: 241 pounds

March 21, 2005, Monday Cause I Don't Wanna

I'm gonna take a break from journaling for a while. Might be a few days, might be a few weeks. I don't know. I need a break from things in general right now. Hope you all will continue to read the other journalers' journals. I'm fine, I just need to not "need" to journal right now, I just need to not "need" to do anything right now...

March 30, 2005, Wednesday I'm Baaaaack

Food for Thought:

This was my Daily Inspiration for today:

I'm looking forward to looking back on all this. - Sandra Knell

So....I'm back! I'm feeling wonderful again and motivated to eat healthy. I started back on my healthy eating journey yesterday morning and have been doing phenomenally ever since. So proud to see myself going through this metamorphosis from healthy to not-healthy, and back to healthy again. I know healthy is what I want, so I'll just keep getting up each day and do my best. I have so much to write about, but it's late now and I've had a busy day, so check back tomorrow for another update. Love you guys! Thanks for your support on this up and down journey.

PS The site has not been updated in more than a week, because I was having serious computer issues - I think most are resolved now, so watch for bunches of updates the next few days.

Food for Body:

- 3 raw falafel balls wrapped in 3 corn tortillas with Annie's Goddess Dressing
- glass of decaf iced tea
- bowl of raw pecans in the shell
- raw milkshake - almond milk, frozen bananas, juice from two oranges, ice, filtered water, agave nectar, mesquite powder - glass of decaf iced tea
- Ruby Tuesday's: 3 trips to the salad bar - romaine, thousand island dressing, black olives, green olives, green peppers, raisins, cucumber, roasted/salted sunflower seeds, picked through the herbed potato chunks to make sure I got the bacon bits off of them before eating several pieces, caffeinated iced tea, peaches (obviously the kind from a can)
- more caffeinated iced tea
- 2 peanut butter balls that Boni's coworker made her (peanut butter, honey, powdered milk)

Exercise: walked several blocks to Boni's house to help her with her move day - yesterday I went to an hour of yoga where I did, among other things, 17 sets of the first 3 Tibetan Rites and 11 sets of the last 2

April 5, 2005, Tuesday Our Wheateena has Died

Food for Thought:

I haven't posted in a week, not because I haven't wanted to. I've been absolutely swamped. Work is more like a full-time job than a part-time one, I've been helping Boni get settled into her new farm house, and have been working on a few side businesses.

Regardless, I had to post tonight to say that a fellow raw food friend, Teena Craft, passed away yesterday. She was one of the first raw foodists I met locally, I had my first taste of wheatgrass at her house, and she was the first person I knew using the raw food diet to try to cure a serious disease, breast cancer. She was an amazing woman, determined never to use traditional methods for curing her cancer. She fought to the end, but the light of our Wheateena has gone out tonight (I called her that cause she juiced her own home-grown wheatgrass on her Wheateena like it was going out of style --- and of course because her name is Teena). I'm thinking of you Teena and hope you know what a difference you made in the lives of your fellow raw foodists. We'll miss you.

Food for Body:
- 24 oz orange juice
- orange
- banana
- Station Cafe - veggie sandwich - raw veggies and a slice of swiss cheese on a french roll, potato salad, caffeinated iced tea, a brownie
- decaf iced tea
- handful walnuts, raisins
- bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt, decaf iced tea
- cherry milkshake - almond milk, frozen bananas, frozen dark sweet cherries (reminds me of Shannon R. since she always listed cherries on her food log)
- taste test of several raw dishes - "Bacon, Why Not" marinade, chewy almond meal/oat groat cookie dough, "Mexi-Chips" dough, "Chocolatey Chewy Flax Cracker" dough

Exercise:
1 hour yoga - 21 sets of the first, second and third Tibetan rites, 15 sets of the fourth Tibetan rite, 15 sets of the fifth Tibetan rite

April 7, 2005, Thursday Slow Down, Little Life

Food for Thought:

Oh my gosh, life is going too fast! I must like it or something - watch this:

I woke up at 7:30 am, thank gosh for Boni's cell phone call. I quickly jumped in to the shower and dried my hair by 7:55, just in time for Boni to pick me up for work (she's borrowing my car right now). 8 am - accidentally set off the alarm at work, only to have the city police show up with one of our management team 8:30 - 10:27 am scramble to do everything that needs to be done at work, while working with a college student volunteer (only to rediscover that I'm a part-time employee trying to do a full-time job, maybe even two full-time employee jobs), just in time to haul ass out the office door to get to our other facility to meet with a potential client and take pictures of our renovated rental rooms, only to get back to my office in order to meet with another new volunteer (I forget what it's like not to know how to use a computer, have to remind myself to be patient while teaching), then to run out the door around 2 pm to grab a bite to eat (and grab another bite of that damn brownie!) and let the pups out for about 5.6 seconds so I can get back to work to finish up with the volunteer and print out paperwork for a board meeting at 4:30 pm, exactly 4 hours past when I should have gotten off of work - ah and then the damn alarm system wouldn't arm, so I was late getting to the board meeting, which I had to leave early from to make it to meet with my colleague and fellow yoga classmate for dinner at 6 pm before yoga in Missouri at 7:15. Home by 9 pm and here it is 3 hours later, attempting to work through wonderful, supportive, loving emails, website updates, product packaging, kitty litter cleaning, trash pick-up preparation, laundry, puppy-time, and whatever other fricken normal day-to-day activity that has been neglected the last week. Anyone else have lives like this? I feel like I'm hanging on by a little bitty thread. I'm slowly but surely coming unglued trying to do so much. I WANT to do so much, but I just can't seem to do it. Dammit dammit dammit. I have one website creation due on the 12th, a new one in the works, a brochure/flyer/business card package due to another customer, raw gourmet products due in the mail by Tuesday, lucky bamboo that is drying out before my eyes, as I sit here on the computer, begging the universe for an extra few hours in the day. Daylight savings time hasn't saved me anything! Oh my, there I go complaining again. I'm REALLY really happy with life, there's just not enough time to live it.

I'm an overachiever, I have SO many goals, dreams, visions, plans, to do lists that I want to accomplish. I love the emails, I love the website, I love the challenge of juggling my day, but why can't I seem to catch up? Waaaaah.

As for food, I'm still struggling with the not eat enough, get tired, stressed and hungry, then go eat something comforting, relax a bit, then start the stress cycle over again. Did I mention my boss has read or maybe still reads my site? Kinda freaks me out, but hell, with 75,000 unique visitors to the site, I bet there's a bunch of people viewing the site that I'm not aware of. Oh hey, something I have noticed lately is that I'm running so ragged that if I'm eating on the run, I barely taste the food. It's like I shove it down just to be able to get some energy to keep going.

Oh I'm tired. It's 12:15 and I have so much still to do tonight, but you know what? I think I'm going to go to bed and just work as hard as I can tomorrow to catch up.

PS There was an article about the Centre I work for and my picture was on the front page. I hated the picture - my double chin seems to have returned, but Boni was so sweet and told me I looked beautiful. Michelle D. even wrote a nice note to me, and I couldn't even just say thank you. Gotta work on that good ole' self esteem I suppose.

Here's a link to the article, and I've pulled in the picture that was on the cover - here it is --- that's my desk in the Centre I work at.

Barn at Boni's house	Pasture at Boni's at Sunset	Pasture at Boni's at Sunset	Maria & Richard Aschwanden
Aschwanden Home	Maria Aschwanden	Banana Tree	Banana Tree
Aschwanden Acreage	Pussywillow Tree	Roosters	Drying Eucalyptus
Drying Herbal Flowers	Dried Flower Arrangement	Precious Moments property (the cool part)	Precious Moments chapel

Here are a few links to some of the things I've mentioned in my journal lately.

Sun Salutations: the 12 yoga postures that all flow together for one tough little yoga practice!

Compton Gardens: one of the gardens I do marketing for --- also where my office is located

Peel Mansion Museum & Heritage Gardens: the other garden I do marketing for

Aschwanden herb farm: Maria and Richard Aschwanden, 3898 S. Chapel Rd, Carthage MO 64836; (417) 358-1093

Food for Body:
Friday:
- banana, decaf iced tea
- Station Cafe - veggie sandwich - raw veggies and a slice of swiss cheese on a french roll, potato salad, caffeinated iced tea, 8 saltine crackers
- 7 soy "chicken" nuggets, Progresso chunky tomato soup, and a Wendy's Biggie caffeinated iced tea
- bowl of in-shell roasted/salted peanuts

Saturday:
- decaf iced tea
- banana
- raw trail mix, raw almond/oat chewy cookies, raw cacao/banana/flax crackers
- cup of potato salad
- nasty salad bar at Precious Moments restaurant: iceberg, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, black olives, sesame french dressing, 2 bowls of canned fruit cocktail, caffeinated iced tea
- more raw trail mix, raw almond/oat chewy cookies
- Maria's Mexican Restaurant: crap cooked meal - tortilla chips, queso, salsa, 3 corn tortillas (hey I chose corn this time!), lettuce, tomato, water
- bowl of in-shell roasted/salted peanuts

Sunday:
- decaf iced tea, handful in-shell roasted/salted peanuts
- Tortillas Mexican Grill: veggie burrito: flour tortilla stuffed with grilled onions/peppers, lettuce, tomato, cilantro, guacamole, tortilla chips, guacamole, salsa, pico de gallo, caffeinated iced tea
- bowl of in-shell roasted/salted peanuts
- 2 bowls granola with raw nuts, raisins, almond milk
- decaf iced tea

Exercise:
Walking around the pasture behind Boni's house, walking to the end of the long road in front of Boni's house, walking around the grounds at Precious Moments, walking around the Ashwanden Herb Farm

April 14, 2005, Thursday I Have Something I Need to Tell You

Food for Thought:

I don't know how to write this journal entry. I don't want to. I want to pretend it's not a reality for me. But that wouldn't be fair to myself, to my journey. I already haven't been fair to you all because I've been lying for the last 9 months. Some of you will hate me, call me a fraud, a fake, a phony. I'm sorry. But I finally hit my bottom last night and with Boni's help, I'm making a change for my health and my happiness. And in keeping with this change, I need to cleanse my soul, to admit with all honesty the lie I've been living. And then I need to move on. So here it is.

I'm struggling with an eating disorder. I have been fighting bulimia since July of last year. I hate to use that word, because it seems like a slap in the face to "true" bulimics. However, I have enough of the tendencies and actions to consider that I've been harming myself in order to deal with stress, in order to not gain weight, in order to be something that I'm not for the thousands of people viewing my website each day. I wanted to not have this happen, but it has. For the last 6 weeks, I've been fighting very hard to stop the approximately once-a-week binge/purge action that I had been taking. As a result, I've gained some weight - two evils - bulimia and weight gain. I've never experienced bulimia before I began this journey. I don't know what exactly to blame this on (not observing the obvious self-responsibility). I think it was a number of things - my breakup with Boni, this radical lifestyle change to raw food, stress at my last job and recently, stress at my new job, and the most obvious identifying reason - this website. I believe other website owners of raw food sites might relate to this, but whether or not they do, it's true for me. This website and the thousands of visitors to it, as well as the thousands of emails I've received have in a large way contributed to my demise. I have created a lot of stress for myself worrying what people think of me, my food choices, my weight, my pictures, my feelings, my actions, everything. I don't think I was ready for what this website brought. I created a self-destructive monster and it has taken me down.

I don't want to have to tell you all this. I want to be like all the other raw food websites and tell you that Raw is the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and I've never had one single issue with it. But that's not true, at least the latter. Raw is fantastic, raw is the way to a healthier me, but not without some serious awareness about the eating disorder that obviously was lurking in the background, only to be heightened by this very public raw food journey.

I know I've disappointed a lot of you who are reading this. But this is not for you. This is for me. I have to live in my skin, I have to live in my layers of fat, sadness, fear, resentment, guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, and every other feeling that has taken over me since this website monster was born. I have to be honest with myself. And as much as I didn't want to, Boni helped me realize I have to be honest with everyone else too. I know there are others out there who have heightened eating disorder issues as a result of their own raw journeys, who have and do struggle with bulimia. I hope that those people will not feel I have disrespected the world by keeping this hidden for so long. I have not wanted to face my issues, and I certainly have not wanted to share it with the world. But this is my journey, as I've said before, and I must be honest. This is very hard for me, and I really considered keeping this secret hidden and just taken care of it without any of you being the wiser. But that's not who I am and that's not the purpose of this website. The purpose of me sharing my journey is to be REAL, as so many of you have written me to acknowledge. So I'm being real. I'm human, I've made some harmful mistakes, and I'm very upset about it.

Now on to the light at the end of this very scary tunnel. I hit my bottom last night when I admitted this to Boni (no, she was not aware of my issue either, so don't feel alone). Saying it out loud created a huge avalanche of emotions and discussions on how to get back on a healthy path - emotionally and physically. After a very long and painful night, I've committed to Boni and to myself that I will beat this. I will not binge/purge any longer, I will not eat crap food any longer, I will eat a high raw diet and I will feel my feelings, not eat them. I'm going to continue journaling, but for me, not for anyone else. I'm going to write when I have feelings of wanting to binge and/or purge. This site may evolve into something else, and you'll have to decide if it's for you or not. Cause all I really know, is it's for me.

So there it is. I'm human, I'm not a guru. I've been trying to tell you that all along, guess you have to believe me now.

Today was my first day of healthy eating. It was hard, but I did it. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm working too many hours. I'm neglecting my responsibilities. But I'm not going to eat my fatigue and tension. I'm going to talk about it.

Oh how I fear hitting "upload," but here goes...

Food for Body:
Wednesday:
- Burger King: veggie burger, onion rings, caffeinated iced tea
- Tortillas Mexican Grill: veggie burrito, caffeinated iced tea
- glass of orange juice
- shared a bowl of stove-top popcorn with sea salt

Thursday:
- glass of orange juice
- glass of decaf iced tea
- banana
- banana
- handful raw mixed nuts
- salad: spring mix, spinach, broccoli/carrot shreds, tomatoes, sunflower seeds, raisins, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- gala apple
- a few raw oatmeal cookies
- Atlanta Bread Company: salad: spring mix, spinach, tomatoes, walnuts, blue cheese crumbles, dried cranberries, honey mustard dressing, caffeinated iced tea
- a bowl of stove-top popcorn with sea salt

Exercise: 1 hour yoga - Tibetan Rites, Sun Salutations and more

April 17, 2005, Sunday Doing Really Well

Food for Thought:

Friday, The Morning After -

The outpouring of support from hundreds of emailers has been amazing! Thank you so much for being so understanding, and beyond that! I had no idea how many people were affected by bulimia and other eating disorders. Wow, not only have people been kind, but many have been in my shoes - many are in my shoes right now. Thank you all for your willingness to go through this with me. I'm doing SO much better since my acknowledgment on Thursday. It's like a weight has been lifted, literally. I've dropped 2 pounds already, by just taking care of myself. It feels wonderful to be able to breathe again. Boni's been very supportive too. She's helped me make healthy eating choices, helped me by listening when I've had moments of fear, moments of cravings, moments of detox for sure. She said she didn't realize exactly what I'd been eating until she just read my journals. Anyway, it's been so important to have her helping me during this difficult yet freeing time.

Today after work, Boni and I went to dinner at our favorite Thai restaurant. We chose summer rolls instead of spring rolls (fried), no Thai iced tea, and no rice. We felt great, full, content, satisfied, but not stuffed nor sick from eating carb-laden and fried foods. Thai food really can be healthy!

I'm really really really looking forward to a wonderful weekend out on the farm at Boni's.

Weight: 244 pounds

Saturday, A Day on the Farm -

I spent most of the day outside today, getting a sunburn while mowing the land in front of and on the side of Boni's house - it hadn't been mowed in a year, since the last residents lived there, so it was tall and messy. It felt great to be outside, sweating and getting exercise. I just wish I lived there all the time to enjoy all the rewards of my hard work. I did a lot of work on her house today while she was in town working with our boss (we both work for the same company). In the evening, we went to Fayetteville to have dinner and do some shopping. I told Boni before we left that I wanted her to take me somewhere we could eat healthy (which was a big step for me, in the whole "I worked hard, I deserve to be bad" routine) --- so we went to Flying Burrito, which is pretty healthy, if you pick the toppings right. I did well and really enjoyed the meal, sans chips and queso. Woohoo! We shopped and then went to The Perk so I could get caught up on emails and website updates. They were closing soon after we got there, so I just barely had time to have a few juices and a salad. I'm starving since I've cut out the breads, chips and cheeses, so I'm just letting myself eat as much as I want, as long as it's pretty healthy. Feels good to eat all I want again without the guilt. I was hungry again when we got home late, but Boni suggested I just have a small bowl of peanuts, and I had her serve me, since my idea of "small" is still quite distorted.

Sunday, Taking Care of My Needs -

I spent the morning outside, visiting with Boni's neighbor, and hanging with her two dogs and my two dogs. I went home shortly after that, after having a little spat with Boni (hormones'll do it!) I spent the afternoon catching up on more emails and website updates. Annette, a past journaler, has returned to From SAD to RAW. Welcome back, Annette. I'm keeping the number of journalers limited at this time, so I don't get behind again on updates. This is a comfortable number for me at this time.

So detox hasn't hit me too badly yet. I'm hungry all the time, but other than that, I'm not having any headaches or diarrhea, although I was very very very tired last night - but that could be from hours and hours of outdoor labor. Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good, but I don't think I'll have the actual detox signs that I had when I first went raw, because I'm not being as strict in my raw as I was back then. I'm now more concerned with overall healthy eating, no binge eating, and trying to keep the processed carbs away from my mouth. (I had a moment of crap cooked thinking on my way home from Boni's, but recognized it as upset-eating-desires, and quickly told myself I could go to Ruby Tuesday's for the salad bar instead. Wonderful alternative!

This was taken from an email I received this weekend - Super mantra to live by! I wholeheartedly agree!

Sometimes we get so invested in the dogma of a particular mode/lifestyle/philosophy that we lose the original intent. Sure, raw is healthier. But it isn't all or nothing. A lot raw is better than a little raw, but a little is better than none ... I believe that every morsel of raw food we ingest contributes to our well-being, and isn't negated by the next cooked thing we eat. We each must do what we can in our journey. To expect more of ourselves is mean-spirited and futile.

Oh, for those of you who have followed my commentary on my bellydancing, the Belly Dance Super Stars were on Regis and Kelly last week ---- the first dancer is my idol, Rachel Bryce. She's so amazing! http://www.kernriveronline.com/video/belly_dance.htm

Food for Body:

Friday
- orange
- Taste of Thai for dinner: cup of vegetable soup, 2 summer rolls (rice paper filled with raw veggies) dipped in peanut sesame oil/rice vinegar, caffeinated iced tea, mixed veggie/cashew plate sauteed in bean sauce
- raw oatmeal cookies
- glass of orange juice
- fruit salad: banana, grapes, pineapple, orange

Saturday
- banana
- orange juice
- caffeinated iced tea
- large salad: spring mix, broccoli/carrot shreds, tomato, raisins, sunflower seeds, black olives, green olives, celery, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- Flying Burrito for dinner: veggie burrito - tomato basil tortilla stuffed with potatoes, corn, black olives, pico de gallo, lettuce, grilled onions and peppers, caffeinated iced tea
- The Perk: salad - romaine, tomatoes, cucumbers, honey dijon dressing, bottle of apple juice, glass of orange juice
- small bowl of roasted/salted in-shell peanuts
- glass of decaf iced tea

Sunday
- banana, handful walnuts
- glass of orange juice
- Ruby Tuesday's for lunch: salad bar - romaine, leafy greens, black olives, green olives, green bell pepper, roasted/salted sunflower seeds, raisins, fat free raspberry vinaigrette dressing, plain baked potato with A1 sauce, salt, pepper, caffeinated iced tea, more sunflower seeds, raisins, and canned peaches
- bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt
- Panera for dinner: Fandango salad: mixed greens, gorgonzola cheese, mandarin oranges, walnuts, raspberry vinaigrette dressing, caffeinated iced tea, bowl of vegetarian mushroom bisque soup, caffeine-free Diet Pepsi, caffeinated iced tea, caffeine-free Diet Pepsi, caffeinated iced tea, several handfuls commercial trail mix (nuts and dried fruit), several handfuls roasted/salted in-shell peanuts, several fresh strawberries

Exercise:

Friday - none

Saturday - moved and trimmed Boni's front and side yards, moved and unpacked boxes and stuff 1/2 day

Sunday - none

April 18, 2005, Monday Country Evening

Food for Thought:

I could not wait to get off work today. I was very good and left right at 12:30 pm today. Actually, I had to meet with a client offsite at noon, but then right after that I left. Since I was over near The Market, I decided to go ahead and have lunch there. They had a red potato soup, but of course, like most so called vegetarian soups, it had meat in it. Bacon pieces, ugh. So I just had salad and it was simply delicious. I can't believe that my craving for salad is back. I'm so grateful. Don't get me wrong, the crap cravings ARE there, but I'm overriding them...I'm letting them know that eating crap isn't going to make life go away. I'm struggling with some stuff right now and when I struggle, my eating issues come up. One way I'm really helping my issues, is by being in nature. I went out to Boni's house tonight and even though it was late, and almost dark when I got there, just being out in the peace and quiet of the country, and especially sleeping with the windows open, really helped. I feel so good out there. Part of the issues I'm having is realizing that I'm not really happy in my house. It's not the house, it's a cute little house. It's the city. I mean the town, rather, that I live in...it's not that it's huge or anything, but it's busy, it's not the country...and I want to be in the country...I want to be out at Boni's farm. It doesn't appear to be time right now, but the Impatient Me wants it Now Now Now!!!

Hey, I ate pretty good today. Fricken scale doesn't think so. I gained a pound. It's the nuts, I know it! If it's not one addiction, it's another, eh?

Food for Body:
- banana
- glass of decaf iced tea
- about 10 fresh strawberries
- 1 1/2 c. commercial trail mix
- The Market for lunch: salad: mixed greens, celery, red bell pepper, roma tomatoes, black olives, green olives, walnuts, mandarin oranges, roasted/salted sunflower seeds, raisins, fat free raspberry vinaigrette dressing, caffeinated iced tea
- 2 large handfuls roasted/salted in-shell peanuts

Exercise: None

April 21, 2005, Thursday Depressed This Week

Food for Thought:

I'm depressed...over nothing really, or everything. It's hard to say when you're depressed, isn't it? I'm not eating my pain, which is a good thing, but I don't even know what to write about it...So instead, I'm going to post an article that a friend forwarded to me. It was good for me to read it. Maybe I'll try to read it every day. (Sometimes I think I like being depressed, it seems easier than giving energy to being happy...though I'm sure scientifically speaking, that's an impossibility.)

Your Own Subversion
Overcoming Self-Sabotage

Each one of us is blessed with the ability to want. Some desire to achieve financial success, some to change the world, and others simply desire to change themselves for the better. Each one of us also has the power to make what we want become reality. Often, however, we subtly undermine our efforts by refusing support, adopting an air of ambivalence, over-committing, being indecisive, or listening to our doubts. This is self-sabotage. Sometimes it's not a deficiency of desire, intelligence, skill, or effort that is holding you back, but an internal tug-of-war based on fear. You know what you want from life but consciously or sub-consciously get in the own way of your efforts. There is a conflict between your desires and your feelings of worth and entitlement.

Self-sabotaging behavior can affect your motivation and your drive. You may drown your strong desires in
television or food, avoid facing potentially challenging situations, or simply retreat inward. Accepting challenges, growing, making tough decisions, and working hard can seem truly frightening. It is easier to continue doing what you've always done. But the more you turn away from the means to achieve your life's dreams, the more your self-esteem and confidence is damaged. In that way, self-sabotage is cyclical. You shy away from getting what you want and then believe you lack the ability to get what you want. Self-sabotage can inspire feelings of depression, frustration, discouragement, and even anger because you are working against yourself. If you feel you have sabotaged your own efforts, remember and write down times in which you did so. Don't use the information to judge yourself. Rather, try to avoid similarly sabotaging yourself in the future.

Then, recognize that all worthwhile goals will take patience, organization, work, and a measure of confidence. Self-sabotage nearly always comes from feelings of inadequacy or underservedness, but those feelings can be overcome by giving yourself an extra portion of nurturing and love when you're working out a problem or formulating a long-term plan. All wants are special and valid and learning to overcome self-sabotage is an important part of achieving what you desire.

by Daily OM

Quick update tonight --- after yoga I felt like a million bucks, I ate healthy the rest of the evening and my depression has subsided. I still have some tension and irritation in my spirit right now, but I feel more energetic and positive about life.

Food for Body:
Tuesday:
- 16 oz apple juice
- 1 1/2 c. commercial trail mix
- glass of caffeinated iced tea
- bowl of frozen veggies with raw cashews cooked on a skillet with a bit of Annie's Goddess Dressing
- decaf iced tea
- medium bowl of roasted/salted in-shell peanuts
- few swigs of apple juice
- nasty iceberg lettuce salad from Sonic - no other veggies on it, the 3 cherry tomatoes were orange!, honey mustard dressing, caffeinated iced tea
- smoothie: frozen blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, bananas, soy milk
- medium bowl of raw, in-shell mixed nuts

Wednesday:
- banana
- glass of decaf iced tea
- 8 oz apple juice
- Ruby Tuesday's: Salad bar: romaine, spring mix, grape tomato, green bell pepper, raisins, green olives, black olives, roasted/salted sunflower seeds, fat free raspberry vinaigrette, canned peaches ; plain baked potato with A1 sauce, caffeinated iced tea
- 1 c. commercial trail mix
- glass of decaf iced tea
- pint of cut-up strawberries (this made me happy)
- 2 yukon gold baked potatoes with some creamy ranch dip, sea salt, pepper
- bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt

Thursday:
- 1/2 cantaloupe
- glass of decaf iced tea
- 1 c. commercial trail mix
- homemade potato soup: boiled yukon gold potatoes, soy milk, 1 Tbl. Annie's Goddess Dressing, water, garlic powder, parsley, onion powder, "butter buds," Celtic sea salt, pepper (all mixed in a Vita-Mix)
- 1 sleeve of Wheat Saltine crackers (oops, oh well, not the worst I could have done)
glass of decaf iced tea
- glass of apple juice
- Atlanta Bread Company: salad: spring mix, tomatoes, walnuts, dried cranberries, blue cheese crumbles, honey mustard dressing, caffeinated iced tea (gave my roll to my friend)
- more caffeinated iced tea
- can of sliced peaches in lite syrup

Exercise:
Tuesday: 1 hour yoga - Tibetan Rites
Wednesday: walk down the road at Boni's house, about 1/2 mile total
Thursday: 1 hour yoga - Tibetan Rites and much more (most I've sweated in a long time! great workout!)

April 25, 2005, Monday Cookin' Healthy, but Still Cookin'

Food for Thought:

The weekends always get away from me, when I'm out in the country at Boni's farm. I don't do updates, and it's hard to keep track of what I eat. I know I ate a lot of cooked all weekend - things like vegetable burritos (no rice, no beans, no cheese, no sour cream), baked potatoes (but with some creamy ranch dip), vegetable soups (from the can), stove-top popcorn, roasted/salted peanuts, and the like. Not horrible, not great. It was what I've been craving. The carbs are an addiction for me, for sure. Same with the salty stuff.

Saturday night we went to the Raw Ozarks Potluck in Washburn Missouri and the Wholistic Life Center. It was a lot of fun and after dinner, we all went for a long walking tour around the 900 acres. It was like we were a bunch of kids on a field trip. I loved it! And it's where I do my Intermediate Yoga on Thursday nights, so I got to be the "big shot kid" and show Boni all around, like I "know it all." Hehe.

Things are going great. I haven't lost any more weight, and I'm still struggling with these moments of crap cooked cravings, but I'm handling it ok. No binges, no purging. About once a day I'll have a moment of "oh my gosh, I could go down to <insert Maria's Chips/Queso, Mazzio's Pizza, Brahm's Ice Cream, Burger King's Veggie Burger/Onion Rings, Outback's Pumpernickel Bread> and just binge like crazy. Then I let it go and eat something else that is maybe not so great, but definitely not as "bad" as one of those addictions. I feel good, but still scared of those cravings. I just talk to Boni about it and then try to let go.

I'm going through a stage of wanting to be out at the farm so badly, yet trying to be present in my own home. Today, I rearranged my entire living room and yesterday I rearranged my entire front/side/back yards. I'm trying to remind myself to nest where I'm at, and not be in such a hurry to move on to the next "home."

The weather's been crazy weird here, hot as heck one day, then freezing the next, no rain, then tons of rain and thunderstorms. It's making my food patterns a little jumbled. I've been leaving my office every day at 12:30 pm, 1 at the latest and it's felt great. I'm working hard to leave work at work, and have fun by myself in the afternoons.

I just saw that David Wolfe and Shazzie's new book, Naked Chocolate has just been released.

I also got to look at the RAW in Ten Minutes book by Bryan Au this weekend. It looks like it has a lot of good recipes, but I wasn't impressed with the pictures at all. Black and white and several of them fuzzy as all hell. Even the picture of Bryan was fuzzy. Ya gotta have a good pic of yourself as the author! If you can overlook the pictures (I'm a highly visual person), then it looks like a good one to add to your book collection.

Exercise: All I really did this weekend was a good long walk at the Wholistic Life Center on Saturday night. My thighs were incredibly sore from the last Yoga class, not sure why --- well yea I am --- I remember I really worked hard that night and pushed myself greatly.

April 26, 2005, Tuesday The Dilemma of a Vegetarian

Food for Thought:

I went to Tortilla's for dinner tonight before yoga. I got the California Veggie Tacos to go. As I was enjoying the tacos in the car, I noticed a cube of chicken or maybe it was fish! Uh, ever hear of VEGETARIAN tacos? Ever here of a VEGETARIAN? It matters people! I'll have to let them know the next time I go in there, as we've become regulars there and they know what we get everytime we go - "That's no cheese, no beans, no sour cream, and no chips, right?"

This seems to happen to me all the time. For lunch today, I went to Atlanta Bread Company. I saw that they had a new soup available - Shanghai Vegetable Soup - sounded delicious to me! Lots of good veggies, coconut milk and curry. Well, as I've gotten quite used to "vegetable" not really being vegetable, especially in soups, I proceeded to ask if it was "truly vegetable." He almost immediately said no, knowing exactly what I was asking - chicken broth, duh. Since when do vegetables need chicken muck to taste more like vegetables? What a fricken nutso planet we live on!

So there's my annoying "Dilemma of a Vegetarian" tale for the day. Besides that, I've been having a tough time with eating non-stop. I'm eating all the time AND I'm craving carbs. Yea, yea, I know it's cause I'm eating carbs. Anyway, I'm just eating and eating and eating. All day, I'm constantly hungry. I could have eaten twice what I ate today. Well, to be honest, I do think I'm emotionally eating, so even when my body wasn't wanting to eat, my mind was - and so I did.... Oh and by the way, I craved a McDonald's ice cream cone after dinner, but pulled in the parking lot and drove right back out. No Mickie D's, no!

Food for Body:

- 1 lb strawberries, chopped
- glass of decaf iced tea
- swig of apple juice
- 1/2 sleeve Wheat Saltines with natural peanut butter and honey
- Atlanta Bread Company: salad: spring mix/romaine, walnuts, green apple slices, dried cranberries (no blue cheese crumbles today - they forgot to put it on, I missed it), 1 tomato piece (ugh, not ripe), honey mustard dressing, swig of Mr. Pibb, caffeinated iced tea
- bowl of roasted/salted in-shell peanuts
- other 1/2 sleeve Wheat Saltines with natural peanut butter and honey
- glass of decaf iced tea
- swig of apple juice
- 2 baby dill pickles, 2 bread and butter pickle chips
- glass of decaf iced tea
- Tortilla's Mexican Grill: 2 California Veggie Tacos: 4 corn tortillas, lettuce, pico de gallo, guacamole, Cilantro Dressing
- 1 lb strawberries, chopped
- bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt
- orange
- glass of decaf iced tea

Exercise: 1 hour yoga with Tibetan Rites

April 27, 2005, Wednesday Triple Layer Chocolate Cake, Just Say No

Food for Thought:

So today I went to my monthly Women in Networking (WIN) lunch meeting at the Embassy Suites. I got in line for the buffet and began to psych myself up for healthy choices. Salad was a no brainer and I loaded up a bunch on one plate. I added some fruit salad to another plate and then some penne pasta to the salad plate, sorta hiding it under the salad, as if I was pretending I hadn't really chosen it. It looked healthy enough with some vinaigrette on it, even though it IS processed pasta. The soup was something I was wanting to get so I'd feel satisfied, but unfortunately the two canisters of soup were both Beef and Rice (ugh, isn't that a dog food?), so I obviously passed on that. I glided past the roll basket and went for the cooked veggies. I was ecstatic to see the serving tray of red new potatoes and one of corn. I loaded up and once again glided past the meat server. I didn't even glance at the dessert table for fear of caving in to those gourmet delights. I went to my table and dug in. I was starving and thoroughly enjoyed my meal....However.....sitting next to, across and surrounded by women who were fully engaged in the consumption of triple layer chocolate cakes with creamy icing and homemade whipped cream, dinner rolls, Italian cream cakes, raspberry and graham cracker crust cheesecakes and the like nearly sent me over the edge. I watched one woman in particular as she ate her chocolate cake. I was dyin'. I wanted to go out in the hall and get a piece of cake. I wanted to. I really did. I thought about it. Several times, I even turned my knees to get up to exit the table. Then I'd stop. It was so hard. I was angry at these women enjoying their desserts without regard to their weight, their health, their conscience. I was so irritated at how obsessed I was with their food. I pretended to care what they were saying to each other, when they dribbled on and on about their children, aging, blah blah blah. All I could see, think and hear was "chocolate cake, icing, whipped cream, chopped nuts, mmmmm." Oh sorry, anyway. I had a very difficult time and several times wondered what it would be like if I did go retrieve one of these desserts, which are of course, included with our meal. I read Annette's entry for tonight and could so relate to the "it's included in the buffet, so I should eat it." After lunch, and then after the meeting was drawing to a close, I looked in the goody bag left by the Children's Safety Shelter representative. Oh no! I saw three Hershey nuggets, one of my absolute favorite candies. I kept looking down into the bag, until I realized that if I didn't get rid of those immediately, I'd carry the bag out to my car and eat them for sure. I took the three of them out of the bag and proceeded to hand it over to the young, gorgeous blonde sitting next to me. She was so excited and certainly surprised that I was giving mine to her. For a moment I was angry at myself for giving them away; however shortly after that, I felt incredibly empowered at my decisions. Well, I wavered for a while between "why did I pass on those desserts?" and "wow! how did I pass on those desserts!"

So after lunch, I returned a call to Karesa and asked her to give me some kudos for my healthy decisions at lunch. As usual, she was incredibly supportive and loving and helped me feel proud for my choices. It's weird, I mean I know many of you are thinking, yea, but you ate that pasta, so how's that healthy? Some of you will understand - it's all in degrees. I felt great choosing to have a bit of pasta over having a slab of cake or a few candies. It's hard to explain, but I know the difference and that's all that matters.

This afternoon I got very depressed. I wanted to spend the evening with Boni out at the farm, which I normally do on Wednesday nights. However, her sister's back in town and it's really more appropriate for me to just stay out there on the weekends. I guess I felt alone today and not sure what to do with myself. I laid outside with the pups for a while, watching the hummingbirds finally finding my feeders, refilled the other wildbird feeders and bird baths, did some computer work and otherwise, lounged around being poopy.

As has sometimes happened lately, I started overeating this afternoon, eating everything in sight, not being able to get enough. I got an email today from someone saying that I'm probably lacking in some nutrient and that's why I'm eating so much and am constantly hungry. Yep, of course I'm deficient, I'm loading up on too many carbs. I "need" to eat more salad, more fruit, more veggies, more seeds, more water...less carbs, less cooked, less processed, less everything that isn't optimal...but this is where I'm at right now. It's all choices - I have to deal with the consequences of those choices.

Food for Body:
- banana
- 16 oz apple juice
- Embassy Suites: salad with pecans (could tell they weren't raw), cucumbers and thousand island dressing, fruit medley of honeydew melon, canteloupe and pineapple, several spoonfuls penne pasta with tomatoes in balsamic vinaigrette, cooked corn with onion and pepper pieces, several cooked new potatoes, 3 glasses of caffeinated iced tea
- can of sliced peaches
- 2 corn tortillas with natural peanut butter and honey
- several swigs of apple juice
- 2 celery spears with natural peanut butter
- several more swigs of apple juice
- a few raw cashews
- decaf iced tea
- Tortilla's Mexican Grill: 3 California Veggie Tacos: 6 corn tortillas, lettuce, pico de gallo, cilantro sauce, guacamole, caffeinated iced tea
- raw chocolate candy (not-so-raw cause I made it with natural peanut butter, since I was out of raw almond butter)
- bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt
- decaf iced tea

Exercise: Nada

April 28, 2005, Thursday I'm Getting Sick

Food for Thought:

I started feeling sick last night, but figured it was allergies. By this morning when I woke up, I didn't think it was allergies anymore. My throat is very scratchy and starting to swell and the worst part is my cough. It's very flemmy and yuck and it hurts, I sound like a smoker again! I'm really hot in my head too, like I'm sweating only on my forehead and neck. Why do I have to get sick when the weekend gets here?

Today I was hungry for lunch early so I went to Harp's Grocery, the only thing besides the Station Cafe (where I have issues with eating brownies and bread) between my office and my house. I went in thinking I'd just get a container of potato salad from the deli and a big iced tea, but I saw they had salads, so I got a large (though it was really medium) one of those AND a container of potato salad. The container was bigger than what I wanted to eat, and I really didn't want to keep leftovers, but I wanted it, so I got it. I discovered they don't serve Iced Tea, which I was greatly disgusted with, figuring it would have been delicious at a hometown deli. As usual (have you noticed?), I didn't want water, so I ordered a Large Diet Coke instead. I don't like Diet Coke, I like Coke, but I'm not sure which of the two evils is worse, so I go with the Diet Coke, when I'm making a choice between the two. Anyway, so I sat down and enjoyed my salad, and enjoyed the little cheese chunks they had put in it (reminds me of when I was young and my Mom would send me to school with a baggie of cut up cheese chunks in my lunch), but the potato salad tasted nasty, so I took it back. I felt weird asking for my money back and still wanted something to eat with my salad, so I asked her for a scoop of fried okra instead. Yep, that was my alternative choice that I decided upon. My choice, not the only alternative, just the one I made. I liked it.

Tonight I went to Atlanta Bread Company early (I meet my fellow yoga classmates there on Thursday nights for dinner before yoga - actually I'm the only one who eats, they just meet there and we ride together). Because I was early and alone, I had this overwhelming desire to get a coffee and dessert. I went up and decided to get a coffee first. If I still wanted dessert, I'd get a refill on the coffee and order the dessert. I got a decaf coffee and used Half/Half creamer - Atlanta Bread Company is an idiotic corporation who doesn't provide soy milk - sorry I just love that Starbucks and Panera DOES offer it - actually every fricken coffee shop I've been to offers it, except ABC - dumbasses! Anyway, I drank the coffee and it was so, what's the word, rich, I guess. I didn't even want dessert after one cup of that. That was great! Remember, lesser of two evils is what I have to go for sometimes. Anyway, I realized I'd better eat something, so I ordered a bowl of the chunky potato soup, which I'm sure is chicken broth based, but I didn't care tonight. That was all I ordered and plenty to fill me up. I missed my normal salad though.

So last night I forgot to list a website that an emailer sent me. It's called Pound, but the address is www.poundy.com - I recommend checking out this site. The best part I've found is the Weight Watchers Recipe Cards, they are SOOOOO funny. This girl has a great sense of humor and she made me laugh last night, after I'd been depressed all afternoon. Oh and this morning I figured out why I was depressed yesterday - I forgot to take my medicine and supplements (I take 20 mg of Celexa for depression and anxiety, a Women's Multi-Vitamin, 1 Maca capsule, and 1 B-12 1000mcg tablet). So I took them this morning and tonight I feel much better.

Thank Gawd tomorrow is Friday! I'm so ready for the weekend.

Food for Body:
- banana
- 1 c. raw cashews
- 16 oz apple juice
- Harp's Grocery: salad of lettuce, green bell pepper and tomatoes with cheese cubes and Thousand Island dressing, 3 bites of mustard potato salad, scoop of Fried Okra, 1/2 large Diet Coke
- raw chocolate candy
- 3 veggie tacos: 3 corn tortillas, grilled frozen veggies, Carb-Free A1 Sauce, Annie's Goddess Dressing, 3 baby dill pickles
- decaf iced tea
- Atlanta Bread Company: decaf coffee with half/half and honey (Atlanta Bread doesn't offer Soy milk!!), bowl of chunky potato soup, caffeinated iced tea
- 3 veggie tacos: 3 corn tortillas, grilled fresh red bell pepper and yellow onion in Carb-Free A1 Sauce, lettuce, grape tomatoes, black olives
- decaf iced tea
- raw chocolate candy

Exercise: 1 hour yoga including Tibetan Rites

May 2, 2005, Monday I've Got the Blah Monday Blues

Food for Thought:

I'm in kind of a blah place right now. No matter what I do, I can't seem to get ahead on paperwork, finances, cleaning my house, and of course, this website. There's so much I want to do and I never feel complete. Sorry I'm not much into my journaling the last several days. The weekends seem to create this stillness in me that keeps me from the computer, then it takes a few days at the beginning of the week to wind me up back into journaling. Hey, I'm thinkin' it's about time for me to update my photos. Guess I'll attempt that this week, though as you all know, I'd gained back 13 pounds, and it shows in my face and body.

Below are a few quotes that have impacted me this week. My horoscope has been pretty right on, and so has Boni's. Funny how life has a way of working out the way it's supposed to, when it's supposed to.

There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.
- Bevery Sills

To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.
- Henri Bergson

PS Today I did have a really wonderful experience of hearing little tiny chirping noises coming from the bird house right outside my window. I peeked inside and could only see a snuggly little nest where the Momma and Daddy had hidden their newest arrivals. Those little chirps are so precious, and as I walked away, both Momma and Daddy had to give me a squawking to tell me to stay away from their babies. I love nature and I'm so blessed that I get to be so near to it out here in Northwest Arkansas.

PPS I acknowledge that there's a direct correlation between my feeling blah and my eating blah. Awareness - the first step toward recovery...

Food for Body:
I've been having a mix of cooked and raw, quite a few corn tortillas with guacamole, lettuce, tomato, grilled onions/peppers, salsa. I'm OD'ing on roasted/salted peanuts...gotta let go of those addictive critters. Today I went by myself to Maria's (Boni says that's a dangerous thing for me to do and that I need to not eat out at tempting places like that alone - or at all, actually) and had the cheese they put on the guacamole salad. I wish I didn't like it so much.

Exercise: Today was my first day of exercise since yoga on Thursday - I took the dogs for a walk at my work gardens

May 4, 2005, Wednesday What If It's Wednesday and I Still have the Monday Blues?

Food for Thought:
I'm guessing I have more than the Monday Blues. My bit of depression has been going on a while now, I can tell from rereading some of my journal entries. I can't seem to get this Life thing down. If it's not my love life, it's my job, if it's not my job, it's my living situation, if it's not my living situation, it's my eating issues, if it's not my eating issues (wait, when has it ever not been my eating issues?), it's....well you get the picture. I'm a mess. Why anyone would want advice or friendship from such a fuck-up I'll never understand. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent today. I'm in a mood. I started my period last night and tried those fricken Instead things ---- instead of tampons, instead of pads, instead of what? Instead of relaxing and not having to think about my period, is what I say. Forget those stupid things, they aren't working for me. I'm going to the store now to restock up on my tampons, ugh.

PS If you weren't depressed before reading today's entry, go here. This will depress AND anger you. I'm SICK over this and cried when I viewed the video - I couldn't even finish it, which makes me feel guilty - I can't WATCH what they WENT THROUGH?

Food for Body:
I'm not eating for health, I'm eating for comfort. Go away, don't read my Food log!

Exercise:
Irritability, Moodiness, Depression, Anger, Sadness, Anxiety, Stress --- I'm exercising my right to be bitchy right now.

May 13, 2005, Friday Majority Rules

I got this email today.

May 19, 2005 The World Spoke and I Listened

That makes it sound like I'm the Queen of England or something, but really I just mean you guys :)

I received a whale of responses from people regarding my "poll" on whether or not to take down the site. Guess it doesn't need to be said that the site will remain. I've almost responded to each and every email now, but want to publicly say thank you to the overwhelming support for keeping the site up. It's hard to know what the future of any site is, but certainly there's enough resources on From SAD to RAW, that people will benefit from SOMEthing on it, for sure.

Here was today's horoscope.

You may be feeling stuck, but the only person holding you back is you. Once again, you may have to dispense with old ways of thinking.

I read it first thing this morning and proceeded to have a day of diligently healthy eating. I had a few pieces of cheese at a work function tonight (the good kind like brie, mmmm) and dipped some of the raw veggies in some ranch-type dip, but otherwise I made super healthy choices all day. It felt good to remember what it felt like to choose wisely. (In the quote, the part I like best is "you may have to dispense with old ways of thinking." That's what I have to do, not restrict myself to believing I have to be perfect to progress; however I also have to realize that eating a little cooked crap CAN and usually DOES lead to more cooked crap. I have to be cautious and aware. I may have to make modifications along my journey and not be so dogmatic - not that I could ever be accused of being truly dogmatic in my approach.)

Work has been hellishly busy and I haven't had much time to just play, like I had been having the last few weekends. I have another function tomorrow night, then another Saturday all day. Sunday will be my first day of rest. I'm taking a four day Memorial Day weekend, starting next Friday - as Memorial Day is actually my birthday. I had such goals for my 31st birthday, namely that I'd be at my goal weight. But I'm not focusing or spending much time fretting over that. With all the positive emails I've received, I'm reminded that I've come so far and will get to my "goal" one day in the future.

My clothes are fitting tighter which is my first sign of weight gain, and I weighed this morning to signify my ascent back to health. I weigh 245.5, 246 if you wanna go ahead and round up. So, let's just get it out there that I had lost all the way down to 230, I've gained back 16 pounds, but am now going to start anew and just do the best I can each day, without focusing too heavily on my trouble spots. I won't be perfect, but I will remind myself of how good it feels to be healthy, fit and on my way to trim. I'm going to be gentle on myself on this journey, and hope you will too.

My depression is slowly lifting. I'm feeling a huge desire to simplify my life, my house, my yard, my everything. I've been so overwhelmed with the daily to dos and shit that piles up in life that it's been hard to determine the exact nature of my depression. I'm working on it though and am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

One of the methods I've employed is getting back into my art. I've been making Serenity Strings like crazy and am loving this creative outlet. I sit outside at Boni's farm and listen to the birds and the windchimes, beading at a card table in the middle of the yard, while Boni works in her gardens and our neighbor smokes her cigs and hangs out with me. She's even been beading with me, which is so wonderful, as I've missed having an art buddy to talk and be artsy with. Man, being in the country is definitely where I'm meant to be. Hope one day in the near future to be out in the country permanently. (I notice my depressed feelings are strongest on Sunday late afternoons, when I begin to prepare to leave the farm to head back to town to my house...it usually takes a few days to let go of the country "high" I get when I'm out there.)

And the lesson I've learned from that potentially site-altering email, can be summed up in this inspirational quote I got in my inbox yesterday.

Embrace your uniqueness. Time is much too short to be living someone else's life.
- Kobi Yamada

PS I received an apology from the person who emailed me that note...just in case you were wondering.

May 31, 2005 I'm Just Me Again

I'm just me again. I'm not Michelle, the Raw Foodist. I'm not Michelle, From SAD to RAW. I'm not Michelle with the website (though I know most people in the raw world do see me that way). I'm just me. I'm working, I'm doing LOTS of my bead work and having an absolute blast at it. I'm spending a lot of time with Boni out in the country. I celebrated my 31st birthday yesterday. I'm trying not to be the website anymore. I'm trying not to be a Raw Chick anymore. I'm just trying to be me right now. I'm gonna check in every so often, but I'm not committing to talking about food. So I'm just checking in now to say hi and let yall know the website is still here, obviously...even when I'm not. A lot of people are asking if I'm going to turn the site over to someone else to run, someone who IS an active raw foodist. Nope, I'm too much of an egomaniac for that. I did all the hard work on this site, I've put the money into it. I'm keeping it as is, just without the emphasis on Michelle. It's a fantastic resource, and so it shall remain.

June 12, 2005

I got this quote a while back and it's been sitting in my email inbox staring at me daily. It struck a chord with me and I've been reading it often to remind myself that happiness, success and achievement in whatever form is in my future. Hope you all are doing well. I'm throwing all of my energy right now into my art/craft wares and it's been good for me to start working toward my desired future endeavors.

"Only those who dare to fail greatly can achieve greatly." - Robert F. Kennedy

July 25, 2005

I've started a journal entry about once a week for the last 3 weeks. Finally today, I write more than just the date (which I've had to keep changing with each false start)... I'll begin with a few quotes that have jumped out at me in my email inbox.

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
– Mahatma Gandhi

"It's never too late to be who you might have been."
– George Eliot

"The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity."
 Amelia Earhart

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens."
– Carl Jung

All such good quotes. All words that relate to who I am lately, to who I want to be, to what I want to create in my life. Sometimes I look at quotes and think, "How corny," and just hit the delete key. Then sometimes, as was the case with each of these, I read them and think, someone is writing this just to me! They knew I needed to hear that today and somehow, somewhere, someone "up there" or "out there" sent me this thought. And it relates to me on so many levels...with raw, with my career, with my creativity, with my relationship, with everything.

So, what's going on with me? Let's see. I'll just make a long list of what my life's been like the last 6 weeks, since my last update.

- My last 4 yoga sessions (last one this Thursday night) --- my instructor is moving to California (what is it with my body movement mentors all moving to Cali?)
- Taking walks with the dogs in my neighborhood and down the country roads at Boni's house
- Started doing Body Flex (ok, one time with Boni's sister, but it's a start)
- Getting massages once every few weeks at the Wholistic Life Center Student Clinic
- Taking pictures and making my photo notecards and my Serenity Strings (beadwork), getting myself organized to get a little more serious about selling my art
- Starting to set up a art/craft area in Boni/Brenda's farm house AND starting to sell furniture and random household belongings for when I move there in the Fall
- Cleaning and organizing myself (helps me when I'm trying to get into the swing of things)
- Got back on my medication (20 mg Celexa) - thank gosh for that - I was going downhill in my depression fast!
- Trying to sell the last remaining product in my raw product inventory (and yet starting to think about selling again - I'm such a flaky freak, aren't I?!)
- Went to a 200+ acre woodland garden, found buckets full of crystals on a 2-day crystal mining adventure, ate amazing Mediterranean food (tabouli, hummus, nut pates, etc.), and had a wonderful mineral-jacuzzi-bath-sitz-bath-steam-cabinet-hot-pack-paraffin-wax experience at the last authentic bathhouse in Hot Springs, Arkansas (first real vacation in a long time!)

And lastly, but most importantly, I've been up and down, but trying to be more up with my eating. I'm incorporating a lot of fruit and fruit juice in my diet (easiest raw food for me on a daily basis), but still struggle with the carbs - the breads, the pastas, the chips, the crackers, and sometimes the cheese. Each day, I wake up, working hard to eat healthy. Some days I eat mostly healthy, with a few minor slips. Other days, I eat mostly unhealthy, with a few fruits and veggies for good measure. Each day I get closer and closer to eating the way I believe my body wants me to eat. This may not make sense to anyone who isn't around me all the time. All I know is I know when I feel good, it's a result of healthy choices, and I know when I feel bad, it's a result of poor choices. All this "don't beat yourself up, don't use negative language, don't call it cheating, yada yada" boils down to one thing for me --- call it whatcha want, but the bottom line for me is, a diet high in raw fruits, nuts, vegetables, and seeds, low in carbs and dairy, is absolutely the ideal way to eat. My body tells me so, no matter what way I wanna candy coat it (no pun intended). I do watch the scale, because 1 pound weight gain is a direct result of a basket of tortilla chips, and 1 pound weight loss is a direct result of a huge salad. It ALL matters. And that's all that's happened with my weight the last several months....lose a pound from eating a plate of steamed veggies, gain a pound from eating a Crunch Wrap Supreme - no meat of course (Damn you Taco Bell, Damn YOU).

Anyway, my mission remains as it always has. To go from a Standard American Diet to a High Raw, Healthy way of eating. If you expect me to say it doesn't work, just because I'm not working it, I won't. I'll admit to the areas I need to improve on. If I don't, I won't succeed. I know what to do, I know how to do. So, I'm going to try, try again, as they say.

Reading people's journals like Annette's and Terry's really helps me. To see my friends struggling, some never wavering and some wavering but continuing to get back up, really tells me how important this website is. It's all about us being honest and trying to be the best we can be. I'm so glad I'm still here, especially when I haven't always wanted to.

Update - several hours later....

I guess I have a few more things to say tonight. I need to get real and admit my weight, to myself, out loud, on paper...I now weigh (gulp) 256 pounds. I started this journey at 310 pounds, had gotten down to 231 pounds for a total weight loss of 79 pounds. In the last 6 months, I've gained 25 pounds back. Holy shit, can you believe that? 25 frickin pounds. If that's not a testiment to what crap cooked will do to you, I don't know what is. So anyway, I'm writing down my weight and I will take new pictures this week (ugh!!!) as a way to confirm my commitment to a healthy lifestyle. Also, I'm going to start documenting my food intake (and exercise) again, as a way to be accountable to myself. Maybe if I remember the good ole days, when I would consider for a moment before I ate something bad, knowing that I'd have to document it, I'll be better about not eating those crappy things.

Food Intake:
- 1 croissant with a piece of cheddar cheese
- 1/2 bottle Dasani water
- 2 pieces of celery with "natural" peanut butter, about 10 saltine crackers with "natural" peanut butter and honey, several swigs of cranberry juice
- Panera - salad of mixed greens and romaine, tomatoes, cucumbers, ranch dressing, 3 glasses of caffeinated iced tea (for some reason I put a splash of sweet tea in the 2nd one, I hate sweet tea, but I was craving a Dr. Pepper, so I guess it was my way of trying to curb that desire), piece of "lower carb" italian herb bread
- mammoth bag of bing cherries
- a bit of a smorgasbord when I got home from an evening work event and the grocery store - 2 pieces of celery with "natural" peanut butter, several swigs of cranberry juice, glass of decaf iced tea, salad of triple romaine hearts, chopped walnuts, dried cranberries, celery, light thousand island dressing, small bowl of Progresso tomato soup with 12 saltine crackers, several more swigs of cranberry juice

Exercise: none yet, but I plan to either walk or do an 18 minute Body Flex workout, we'll see.... update --- nope, shower and bed after the smorgasbord...

Weight: 256.5

July 26, 2005

I did great today. I didn't even consider eating crap cooked food. I ate lunch at home, which is shocking for me, as I seem to eat out every day for lunch. I did have a bout of a bit of crankiness around noon. I know some of you will laugh (or maybe even roll your eyes) at the idea of me detoxing with the Food Intake list I have below, and from eysterday. But just trust me, I'm eating way better than I have been the last few months. Saltines, some peanut butter and mozzarella are minor "violations" on my road back to healthy eating. I'm feeling very proud of myself and as a result, my body is feeling lighter and I'm happier overall.

I weighed today, cause you know, I'm obsessed with the scale...and no weight loss, in fact, it showed a 1 pound weight gain. Oh well, ignoring that, as I know from past experience, that the scale often won't move for days, even weeks, then all of a sudden the pounds will just drop away.

I sort of intended to exercise today, but also realized I had a very booked schedule all day long. The only body movement I ended up having was a deep tissue massage by Barbie out at the Wholistic Life Center. She really worked me good, you know that "hurts so good" type of massage. Every-so-often I was going to tell her it was a bit hard, but then I would breathe through it and it would actually feel good, probably what I needed.

Tonight I met Karesa at Camille's for a brainstorming session for the new business that she's working on for when she moves to California in a few months. It was good for me. Thinking creatively and helping someone to focus their business plan, actually helped me think about my own.

It was a good day.

PS Anyone else think it's strange to put Brie on a salad? I love Brie, but it's more of a cracker cheese, than a salad cheese, dontcha think? Next time I'll order the Bistro Spinach Salad without the Brie. It was an awesome salad otherwise.

Food Intake
- glass of cranberry and orange juice
- banana
- tsp. "natural" peanut butter, swig of apple juice
- 3 boiled corn on the cob, sea salt, pepper; 3/4 c. seasoned frozen vegetables cooked in a skillet; decaf iced tea
- 10 saltines with "natural" peanut butter and honey
- 1/2 glass grape juice
- bag of bing cherries (probably about 1 pound)
- Camille's Sidewalk Cafe - 2 glasses of caffeinated iced tea; Bistro Spinach Salad: spinach, green apple, walnuts, roma tomatoes, shredded mozzarella, brie, balsamic vinaigrette
- gala apple with "natural" peanut butter
- another gala apple with "natural" peanut butter

Exercise: nothing but I did get an hour-long deep tissue massage

Weight: 257.5

July 27, 2005

I had a women's networking lunch meeting today at the Embassy Suites. It's a one-time-through-the-line buffet and the choices of food are salad, fruit, soup, bread, veggies and potatoes, a few types of cheesy-carby casseroles, several meat choices and a dessert table of cakes and pies. I had my healthy shield on and made excellent choices, without even so much as glancing at the bread and dessert table. I quickly breezed past the soup, as it was a broccoli cheese soup and I would have devoured it had I chosen it. I felt wonderful eating my healthy lunch, while the others at my table had meats, breads, casseroles and desserts. There was a young woman at the table from the Metabolic Research Center. She made healthy choices too and was a beautiful, thin, healthy looking girl. I noticed that she looked at others' plates of food the way I had. Pretty interesting how aware we become of others' food when we are being aware of our own. She sent around her "before" picture with pride at her weight loss, but to be honest, she looked good before (not like my very very very obviously obese before picture). I was half tempted to pull my before/present picture out, but realized how rude that would be when she was there to promote the Metabolic Research Center. Hey, whatever works, right?

I felt great all afternoon until I went to meet Boni for a drink at Barnes and Noble. I just ordered an iced tea, because I'd had a huge smoothie before I left the house. It was that "black" tea that coffee houses serve, not Lipton like I like. My stomach just started hurting so badly that I threw the drink away after just a few sips. It felt tight and so bloated. I was cranky too and started whining over nothing. I'm so detoxing. I went home and went #2 (3rd one today). It smelled horrible and was super dark. Ah the results of a change in eating habits. Can't wait to get back to normal bowels, loose-fitting clothes, and pleasant moods. I do feel really good overall though, and so proud of this change in attitude toward eating. See, this is what I mean by, let yourself be where you are, and when the time is right, the desire to live healthy will come.

PS I came out to Boni's farm tonight to try to be with her while I work through my crankiness, so this update won't be posted until tomorrow.

Food Intake:
- glass of cranberry and orange juice
- 1 c. roasted sunflower seeds/raisins
- Embassy Suites luncheon: salad with black olives, marinated tomatoes, french dressing; pineapple, canteloupe; 3 roasted new potatoes, mixed veggies: carrots, squash, bell peppers, broccoli, caffeinated iced tea
- gala apple with the last little bit of a jar of "natural" peanut butter
- smoothie: soy milk, frozen bananas, frozen blueberries, honey, shredded coconut
- Barnes and Noble - a few sips of caffeinated black iced tea
- Camille's Spinach Bistro Salad: spinach, green apple, walnuts, shredded mozzarella, roma tomatoes, balsamic vinaigrette, caffeinated iced tea
- several handfuls of roasted in-shell peanuts, banana

Exercise: Dang, none again (I planned to go for a walk out down the country roads out here at the farm, but I stayed in my cranky mood all evening.)

Weight: 254.5

July 28, 2005

I'm a little nervous that this high and commitment to healthy eating will lessen, but for now I'm not complaining!!! I feel great, I'm not having any serious cravings, I'm making very very healthy choices, I'm losing weight, and am feeling very empowered!

I ate all day long and enjoyed every bit of it. My latest passion is apples with natural peanut butter. So addicting! Yum! I met Boni for an early dinner at Camille's. The other day I had this heavenly spinach salad. Then last night I got one to go (not NEARLY as big), so tonight I got one as "dine in." I forgot (again) to say no onions (I did say no brie again), and I had to pick out the little slippery purple buggers before I could eat it. It's so weird, that day I adored the salad. Maybe it was the way the woman made it. She laid it out so beautifully, lots of tomatoes, and the "good" kind of shredded mozzarella. Today it wasn't as pretty, it had the onions, not enough tomatoes, the mozzarella was the "Kraft" kind, not the "gourmet" kind, and I don't know...it just didn't taste as yummy. This is one of those times I really believe inthe "you crave what you need." That day I was really needing some spinach, maybe today and yesterday, not so much. I want to love spinach though, so I'm going to keep working on it.

I went to my last yoga class tonight. Before hand, my fellow yoga classmate came over and we made banana ice cream with walnuts and peach ice cream. I haven't had that in so long. It was really good. I always find passion in raw food again when I'm teaching someone how to prepare something or seeing them delight in a new raw food recipe. Anyway, back to yoga. We had our last class on the top of a hill, on a grassy knoll, looking out onto the Missouri hills. It was unbelievably cool outside (ever since a massive storm system came through several nights ago, it's been breathtakingly beautiful outside - like a little preview of Fall) and feeling the grass under my body was really neat. The grass at my house is full of dog poo and the grass at Boni's farm is full of ticks, chiggers and gawd knows what else. It was wonderful and I really pushed myself in my stretches. I'm going to miss Karesa and that class so much.

When we got home, my classmate wanted to use my Champion to juice several pounds of carrots. It's been forever since I've used the juicer, and then today I used it twice. I miss fresh squeezed carrot and apple juice. Incidentally, I went to the grocery store on my way to work this morning and picked up apples, more peanut butter, some raw almonds, and a small bottle of Knudsen fresh, natural apple juice. It was heaven!

Oh and I normally don't like to include personal information about my emailers in my journal entries, but I've had several emails from kurlikew7764 @ aol.com and each time I try to respond to her, it bounces back saying there's a problem with the email address. Maybe one of my readers could send her an email (please note I put a space in front of and behind the @ to protect her from getting spam) and see if they can get through to her, letting her know I've tried to respond to her, but without success. Or maybe kurlikew7764 @ aol.com is reading this journal entry tonight and will see that I have indeed been trying and maybe she can check out what the problem might be and then try to email me again. Anyway, sorry to digress, but I never want people to think I'm not responding to them. I always do! (Readers please note that once she and I are able to communicate with one another, I'll remove this paragraph, to avoid her receiving an abundance of emails in the future.)

Food Intake:
- 8 oz natural apple juice
- 8 oz cranberry and orange juice
- banana
- 1/4 c. raw almonds
- 8 oz cranberry and orange juice
- 1/4 c. raw almonds
- gala apple with "natural" peanut butter
- 8 oz cranberry and orange juice
- 2 boiled corn on the cob, sea salt, pepper; salad: romaine hearts, tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots, black olives, roasted sunflower seeds, raisins, walnuts, dried cranberries, Annie's Goddess Dressing; glass of apple juice
- Camille's: Spinach Bistro Salad: spinach, green apple, walnuts, shredded mozzarella, roma tomatoes, balsamic vinaigrette, caffeinated iced tea
- banana "ice cream" with walnuts, peach "ice cream"
- caffeinated iced tea
- gala apple with "natural" peanut butter

Exercise: a few hip circles and back stretches on my balance ball, 1 hour yoga

July 29, 2005

Thank Gawd it's Friday! Out to Boni's for the weekend.

Food Intake:
- a few raw almonds
- 12 oz pineapple juice
- gala apple with "natural" peanut butter
- bowl of Progresso Minestrone soup with 10 saltine crackers
- swig of grape juice, swig of apple juice
- gala apple with "natural" peanut butter
- Thai Kitchen: cup of hot and sour soup (pretty much just the broth, but a few veggies too), side salad with creamy vinaigrette, caffeinated iced tea
- caffeinated iced tea
- packet of roasted/salted cashews from the convenient store

Exercise: Nope

Weight: 254

July 30, 2005

Today I ran errands with Boni's sister. I didn't crave crap cooked food at all. I craved a salad. That was nice!

Food Intake:
- glass of pineapple juice
- about 10 roasted, in-shell peanuts
- 2 gala apples with peanut butter
- caffeinated iced tea
- Atlanta Bread Company - salad: romaine, green apple, dried cranberries, walnuts, tomatoes, honey mustard dressing, caffeinated iced tea
- salad: romaine, spinach, tomatoes, green bell pepper, cucumber, green olives, walnuts, dried cranberries, Annie's Goddess Dressing, swig of grape juice
- Drive-In Theater - less than 1/2 cup (before popped) air-popped popcorn with sea salt, ice water, roasted, salted in-shell peanuts
- swig of apple juice

Exercise: Body Flex routine (18 minutes), 1/2 mile walk

July 31, 2005

Today we worked on the house today, framing my photographs and hanging them, hanging clocks and mirrors and things. I ate great again today. There was one point where Boni acknowledged she had eaten at Maria's for lunch yesterday while she was in town. I found myself a little jealous, not really because I wanted it, but because I get jealous that others get to have it. You know what I mean? Well it must have been staying on my mind, because tonight I didn't want a second salad, I wanted "Mexican." I looked through the fridge and decided to grill some veggies and wrap em in a corn tortilla. It was very good and satisfied me a lot! (I did have a few spoonfuls of creamy ranch dip that I would have liked to have avoided, but I don't feel too badly about it.)

Food Intake:
- glass of apple juice
- banana
- salad: romaine, spinach, tomatoes, green bell pepper, cucumber, green olives, walnuts, dried cranberries, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- 1/3 bottle water
- 2 swigs of grape juice
- 2 gala apples with peanut butter
- few swigs of water
- 1/2 pound bing cherries
- 1/4 pound roasted, salted in-shell peanuts
- glass of caffeinated iced tea
- 2 corn tortillas with grilled green bell peppers, green onion, tomatoes, jalapeno pepper, 2 Tbl. creamy ranch dip
- glass of caffeinated iced tea

Exercise: Body Flex routine (18 minutes)

August 1, 2005

Had a few issues with cravings today, but I worked through them. Wanted creamy tomato soup or a Veganini Panini at Camille's, but I had a salad instead. Wanted Taco Bell or Pizza tonight, but I made a milkshake instead. Yea, me!

Food Intake:
- McDonald's: caffeinated iced tea
- banana
- few pieces of air-popped popcorn
- fiji apple and "natural" peanut butter
- Station Cafe: salad: romaine, tomatoes, cucumbers, mushrooms, green bell pepper, pickle, shredded cheddar cheese, thousand island dressing, 6 Saltine crackers
- fiji apple and "natural" peanut butter
- Camille's Sidewalk Cafe: salad: romaine, sprouts, sunflower seeds, cucumber, carrots, black olives, tomatoes, honey mustard dressing, caffeinated iced tea, 4 Saltine crackers
- milkshake: 1 1/2 frozen bananas, soy milk, agave nectar, alcohol-free vanilla extract (oh my gawd this is good!)

Exercise: None. Ok, you're not going to believe this reason, but it's really true...I went into the living room to do a series of Body Flex, but I have no curtains on my windows, just mini-blinds, so there's a large slit in the middle of the two windows, which is big enough people can see in, and I'm just wearing underwear and a tshirt, so I'd be showing my big butt to the neighbors. Really, it's true. Ok, I'm a little tired too.

Weight: 254 (darn was really hoping to have lost some weight from eating so well this weekend!)

August 2, 2005

Cravings again today. Overcame them, but they were present. Didn't eat enough the first half of the day for sure. Need to pay attention to my mornings. A good start helps complete a good day. Corny, but true. PS I'm craving salads like crazy right now. Yea, I'm having cheese on them, but at least I'm going for the greens!

Food Intake:
- 8 oz orange and cranberry juice
- can of sliced peaches in fruit juice
- The Station Cafe: salad: romaine, iceberg (seemed like a lot more iceberg than normal), black olives, tomaotes, shredded cheddar (can't give up that cheese on my salad), pickles, honey mustard dressing (they left off the green bell peppers and mushrooms this time, and I didn't eat the cucumbers that were on it), 8 saltine crackers, 2 glasses of caffeinated iced tea
- Barnes and Noble: bottle of pasteurized, not from concentrate apple juice
- Camille's Sidewalk Cafe: 2 house salads: romaine, tomatoes, shredded provolone (asked for half as much cheese on the second salad), sprouts, sunflower seeds, cucumber, carrots, black olives, honey mustard dressing, 3 glasses caffeinated iced tea, 14 saltine crackers

Exercise: None

Weight: 253 (jeez, it's coming off slowly!)

August 3, 2005

Ione, from my old yoga classes, came over to the house today to learn how to open a young Thai coconut. I miss those things - drinking the "milk" is just about the most delicious, decadent drink there is - but since I know she treasures every penny she spends on her raw gourmet, I didn't ask for so much as a taste of it.

I've been absolutely starving, but too lazy to make snacks during the day, so I load up at mealtime. My two salads for dinner barely satisfied me, and I even OD'd on the saltines again. I've got to cut those out of my diet, or learn to eat ONE pack and not 5, 6 or even 7 of them.

The scale pissed me off today. I know I shouldn't be looking at it every day, but it's an obsession....I hate how easy I can gain 10 pounds, but to even lose 1 is the biggest challenge, and seems nearly impossible at times.

Food Intake:
- 8 saltine crackers with "natural" peanut butter
- 4 oz caffeinated iced tea
- The Station Cafe: salad: romaine, iceberg, black olives, tomatoes, shredded cheddar, mushrooms, pickles, honey mustard dressing (they still forgot the green bell peppers even though I specifically mentioned them), 12 saltine crackers, 2 glasses of caffeinated iced tea
- milkshake: frozen bananas, soy milk, agave nectar, vanilla
- Camille's Sidewalk Cafe: 2 house salads: romaine, tomatoes, shredded provolone, sprouts, sunflower seeds, cucumber, carrots, black olives, honey mustard dressing, 14 saltine crackers, leftover tea from lunch
- taste-testing a coconut oil -peanut butter-mesquite powder dessert I made for Boni
- 8 oz cranberry juice
- 2 pieces of the dessert after it had hardened in the freezer (yum!)

Exercise: None, again

Weight: 253.5 (no, dangit - it went in the wrong direction!)

August 4, 2005

I weighed this morning and it appears I'm gaining weight. Fucking piece of shit scale! Fucking piece of shit body! Whew, glad I got that out. So I saw Boni at the office today and I started crying about the fact that I've been doing so damn well and I'm gaining weight, not losing it. She told me 1.) to stop weighing every damn day, 2.) to cut out the cheese, and 3.) to cut out the Saltines. I know she's right, on all accounts, but I didn't listen on the cheese and Saltine part.

Completely didn't make time to eat today. I had a few things for breakfast finally at work, but never ate lunch until 5:30 pm. Then tonight I was starving and of course, there aren't salad fast food places open late at night. So I ate a can of peaches and then popped some popcorn. I really would like to avoid the oily popcorn, but I was hungry hungry hungry and my cupboards and fridge are bare bare bare.

I talked to my friend Michelle today and we decided we'd meet for lunch tomorrow, since we both battle cravings and I said if we make lunch a social event it will help! So we're gonna go somewhere we can load up on salady stuff and just enjoy good company. I'm looking forward to it. I LOVE to go out to eat with friends! I LOVE to eat!

Tonight, my friend Karesa came over to do some work on her business plan. I cleaned the house and organized some things while she worked. I made us a dessert, but was out of soy milk, and it just didn't turn out well. She's a sweety and ate it all up, eating the extra too, but I did not like it at all.

Food Intake:
- peach
- banana
- The Station Cafe: salad: romaine, iceberg, black olives, tomatoes, shredded cheddar, mushrooms, pickles, honey mustard dressing, green bell peppers, 20 saltine crackers, 1 glass of caffeinated iced tea, 1 Diet Pepsi (they ran out of Iced Tea and didn't plan to make more, and of course I didn't want water)
- ice cream: frozen bananas, water, agave nectar, honey, vanilla, macadamia nuts (yuck, ate a few spoonfuls and threw the rest away)
- can of sliced peaches in fruit juice
- bowl of stove-top popcorn with sea salt (1/4 c. before popped)
- 8 oz water

Exercise: None (today would have been my Yoga day and I don't have that to do anymore, so I really need to get my butt in gear)

Weight: 256.5 (oh come on! you've got to be kidding me!)

August 5, 2005

And that's why I'm not supposed to weigh every day. Went from 256.5 to 252.5 in one day. Oh well, encouraged me to see a number finally lower than 253. I haven't gone grocery shopping in a few weeks so I haven't had juice or any thing good to eat in the mornings. I have a few things in the fridge at work, but none of it has sounded good to me, so I didn't eat or drink anything all morning. You know I never want water, unless I'm sweating and dying of thirst.

Michelle D. and I went to lunch today at Brioso Brazil. I hadn't gone to a buffet in a while and was quite excited at the prospect of eating as much as I wanted. We had a great time and just ate and ate. I avoided the shredded cheese and cheddar cheese slices (my favorite), but did eat crackers. After my second plate of food, I still wanted more crackers and wanted a slice of cheddar cheese, but I wasn't hungry...you know, I was just wanting it. I was glad I was with Michelle and chose neither.

On the way to lunch, we had a good time talking about the binge foods we would eat in our down times. I told her my binge food was Doritos/Cheetos/Fritos, a huge coke over ice, and Pepperidge Farm chocolate chunk with pecan cookies. Some people don't think it's good to discuss our trigger foods. I, on the other hand, believe it's very good. We talk about it, laugh and move on. It helps me to imagine eating it. The idea of eating crap foods are much more exciting than actually doing it. (I know in the moment, that may not seem the case, but nothing is ever as good as I imagine it would be.) It's great to talk it over with someone who understands those intense cravings. We talked about our main meal cravings. Mine is either chips/salsa/queso or pizza. Those two are the most troubling meals for me. When I have problems, when I want to celebrate, when I want to sabotage, I think of Mexican food or pizza. Anyway, it really was helpful to talk about it. It diffuses the repression I often feel when trying to avoid those crap cooked foods.

Food Intake:
- nothing until 1:00 pm
- Brioso Brazil: 2 trips to the salad bar: romaine, spring mix, yellow and red bell peppers, cucumbers, tomato, sweet gherkins, green olives, black olives, 1 marinated mushroom, roasted/salted sunflower seeds, roasted/salted cashews, 12 wheat crackers, blueberry poppyseed dressing, about 6 glasses of caffeinated iced tea (yea, no cheese!!!)
- bowl of Progresso Minestrone soup
- several pieces of peanut butter + raw ingredients dessert, several pieces of raw carob+peanut butter+raw ingredients dessert
- 3 pieces of stove-top popcorn (I made it for Boni and asked her for 1 piece 3 x)
- handful roasted/salted in-shell peanuts
- few swigs of water, swig of cranberry juice
- the rest of my To Go caffeinated iced tea
- glass of decaf iced tea

Exercise: None

Weight: 252.5

August 6, 2005

Food Intake:
- 3 corn tortillas with 1 banana slied up and "natural" peanut butter, and one packet of honey
- glass of caffeinated iced tea
- salad: romaine, spinach, tomato, green bell pepper, cucumber, walnuts, dried cranberries, ranch dressing
- large handful roasted/salted in-shell peanuts
- KFC: large caffeinated iced tea, individual-size cole slaw
- medium caffeinated iced tea
- Camille's: house salad and a half house salad: romaine, tomatoes, sunflower seeds, sprouts, shredded poblano cheese, 10 saltine crackers, honey mustard dressing, 2 glasses caffeinated iced tea
- bowl of Progresso minestrone soup
- caffeinated iced tea
- small handful roasted/salted in-shell peanuts
- several pieces of raw carob-peanut butter-coconut oil -raw ingredients dessert
- 7 oz roasted, non-salted cashews, handful raisins
- peach

Exercise: Small amount of walking around Eureka Springs

Weight: Don't know, not at home this weekend

August 7, 2005

Did beadwork all morning, then went into town to run errands and eat dinner. I wish I had one more day to "weekend." It's been a really nice weekend, just too short as usual.

I started my day today eating just a bunch of nuts and raisins, some "healthy" candy, etc. Not a great start, and the rest of the afternoon I felt like a cow. I have to say though, the more coconut oil candy I eat, the smoother and more frequent my BMs are. Sorry to be graphic, but it's true! I've had a weekend of constant eating and contant hunger. I'm probably not truly hungry, but "hungry," ya know? I just want want want and can't seem to get satiated. Oh well, gonna go with the flow and just be.

Oh and I'm still lovin' my salads, but I'm noticing I like em the most when I go out to eat, not when I eat them at Boni's house. I love to go out to eat!

Food Intake:
- 7 oz roasted, non-salted cashews, handful raisins
- few bites of canteloupe
- several pieces of raw carob-coconut oil -peanut butter- raw ingredients dessert
- swig of orchard berry juice
- peach
- bowl of Progresso Minestrone soup
- glass of caffeinated iced tea
- several pieces of raw carob-coconut oil -peanut butter- raw ingredients dessert
- few swigs cranberry juice
- Panera: caffeinated iced tea
- Panera: caff-free diet Pepsi, greek salad: romaine, tomatoes, feta cheese, kalamata olives, greek dressing, 1 1/2 bowls of tomato and roasted pepper soup, caffeinated iced tea
- several bites of boiled corn on the cob with sea salt (disgusting, so I threw them all away, bitter and weird tasting)
- 2 Braeburn apples with natural peanut butter
- several handfuls of Boni's stove-top popcorn with sea salt
- several pieces of raw carob-coconut oil -peanut butter- raw ingredients dessert
- few swigs cranberry juice

Exercise: Nada - actually ended up going for a 2 mile walk with Boni when we got home tonight

Weight: Don't know again, still out of town

August 8, 2005

Don't ask. I didn't want, nor have, any fruit or juice for breakfast, and I went in late to work, so I went to The Station Cafe and got toast for breakfast. Ordered it dry but it didn't stay that way. Not the worst thing I could eat, but certainly not the best. Having issues with cravings. I'm not falling off the wagon, nor do I plan to, but toast is a bit close to the edge, I must admit.

Food Intake:
- The Station Cafe: 4 pieces of wheat toast with 2 pats of butter and 6 jelly packets, 3 glasses of caffeinated iced tea
- Atlanta Bread Company: salad: romaine, spring mix, tomatoes, walnuts, feta cheese, honey mustard dressing, 12 saltine crackers, 2 glasses of caffeinated iced tea
- The Station Cafe: salad: romaine, iceberg, tomatoes, green bell pepper, mushrooms, black olives, pickles, shredded cheddar cheese, honey mustard dressing, 16 saltine crackers, 3 cups of caffeinated iced tea
- bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt
- braeburn apple with natural peanut butter, leftover iced tea from dinner

Exercise: 1/2 mile walk around Compton Gardens at The Ozark Society meeting - program on bird identification so we walked around looking for and listening to birds

Weight: 255.5 (up again, sigh)

August 9, 2005

We're having a garage sale this weekend, so I've been working on cleaning out stuff, organizing, pricing, moving more stuff I'm keeping over to Boni's house, etc. I had toast again this morning and I don't know what's going on with me, but I'm definitely not choosing as wisely in the mornings. Salads are still yummy, but I'm also having cravings of crap cooked. The toast probably isn't helping me with my carb and crap cravings, but I'm just not wanting fruit or juice in the mornings. Some days I long for those huge country breakfasts of grits, toast, scrambled or fried eggs, hashbrowns, biscuits and gravy, pancakes or waffles, and vegetarian sausage or bacon. Some times I'm so resentful of the "skinny" people of the world eating all that every fricken morning and not gaining a pound. I suppose I should be grateful that my poor health shows up in the physical form of Fat, so at least I'm aware of my health issues and nutritional requirements. I know those "skinny" people are sick inside from that food, but sometimes it's so difficult to care about that part of it, ya know? I wanna be skinny and eat what I want sometimes. Why does crap cooked food have to taste so good to me?

I think part of my discouragement is probably the lack of weight loss. How long will I have to hover at 252-256? Sucks to be fat.

Food Intake:
- The Station Cafe: 4 pieces of wheat toast with 2 pats of butter and 6 jelly packets, 1 glass of Diet Pepsi (they didn't have tea made yet this morning)
- Atlanta Bread Company: salad: romaine, spring mix, tomatoes, walnuts, feta cheese, honey mustard dressing, 8 saltine crackers, bowl of corn chowder (yikes, cream, poplano cheese, potato - FAT!), 8 more saltine crackers, 3 glasses of caffeinated iced tea
- 3 corn tortillas with natural peanut butter and honey, swig of cranberry juice
- can of sliced peaches
- dessert: frozen banana through the Champion with almonds and 3 pieces of candy: raw carob-coconut oil -natural peanut butter-other raw ingredients

Exercise: None

Weight: 254

August 10, 2005

Tired, getting ready for a garage sale this weekend and have been beading like a fool all week. No time to write much. Cravings still there, eating pretty well, but certainly not where I'd like to be, nor where I was last week. Giving myself a bit of a break, and not beating myself up over it.

Food Intake:
- The Station Cafe: 4 pieces of wheat toast with 2 pats of butter and 6 jelly packets, 1 glass of Diet Pepsi (they didn't have tea made yet this morning)
- bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt
- glass of caffeinated iced tea
- Camille's Sidewalk Cafe: Sonoma Veggie Wrap: green tortilla, lettuce, tomato, carrots, honey mustard dressing (she forgot to put in black olives, sprouts, sunflower seeds, and poblano cheese), small handful tri-colored tortilla chips with salsa, large caffeinated iced tea
- several pieces of raw carob-natural peanut butter-coconut oil -other raw ingredients (going to just start calling it pretty-raw chocolate candy cause I'm tired of writing all the other stuff)

Exercise: 1/2 mile walk around the Gardens at work taking pictures of birds, plants, etc.

Weight: 253

August 11, 2005

OFF TOPIC TOPIC (I'm using my website for good instead of evil <grin>)
"I wish they'd drag him behind a truck til he left a quarter mile trail of blood." That's what I thought when I heard about this jerk who drug his horse down the road, after he'd tied it to the back of his truck to teach it to lead (after it had bit his daughter). What is wrong with people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The horse nearly died and is in recovery now after leaving a quarter mile trail of blood from it's severely injured hooves. I can not fathom what this person must be like, but once I heard that a recovery fund had been set up for this horse's treatment, I immediately sent in a donation (small, but still something - you know the saying that every little bit helps). If you want to read about this story, click here or click here.If you want to donate to the horse's recovery, send your donation to:

Attn: Teller Line
Arkansas National Bank
PO Box 699
Bentonville AR 72712

On your check write Account #101021666, for the Dragged Horse Expense Fund. (It says if any money is left after the horse's veterinary care, it will go to other abused animals. So glad this guy did something productive with his anger - I probably would have just gone and shot the ignoramus who did this to the horse.)

Food Intake:
- The Station Cafe: 4 pieces of wheat toast with 3 pats of butter and 5 jelly packets, 1 glass of caffeinated iced tea at the office
- Camille's Sidewalk Cafe: Sonoma Veggie Wrap: green tortilla, lettuce, tomato, carrots, honey mustard dressing , black olives, sprouts, sunflower seeds, and poblano cheese, small handful tri-colored tortilla chips with salsa, medium caffeinated iced tea, medium Diet Coke (ran out of iced tea), bowl of tomato soup (yea, I did) with 8 saltine crackers, medium caffeinated iced tea (they made some more for me)
- large caffeinated iced tea from Ruby Tuesday's curbside-to-go (yea, now that's pathetic!)
- 3 corn tortillas, natural peanut butter, honey, banana, dried cranberries, walnuts, almonds
- several bites of pretty-raw chocolate candy

Exercise: mowed my front yard in 95 degree heat (that's a workout!)

Weight: 252.3

August 12, 2005

I watched the segment on Alissa Cohen on the Today Show - I had recorded it on Boni's DVR since I had to work. Short, but ok I guess. Not exactly what I was expecting. She was a part of 9 other guests talking about healthy things you can do for yourself. One thing I'll say is that I think it's important to say more than "fettucini with marinara" - otherwise people don't know it's ZUCCHINI and not PASTA. The general world doesn't get raw food and in those few seconds, that would have been important to express, otherwise some people will think it's uncooked pasta noodles, blech.

So I'm struggling with cravings. I wanted Mexican food, pizza, cookies, anything bad. I ended up eating salads with the extra trimmings that aren't good for me, and a bowl of soup, but it's, how do I put this, a victory compared to the damage I could have done, and thought about doing. You know what I mean? I drive past KFC thinking about biscuits, mashed potatoes, gravy, coleslaw; past Chick-fil-a thinking about waffle fries and polynesian sauce; past Maria's thinking about chips, salsa, queso, flour tortillas; past Mazzio's thinking about veggie supreme thin-crust pizza with ranch dressing; past Wendy's thinking about french fries and ketchup; and the list goes on and on. That's how my mind works. It's the mind of an eating addict. (After my SECOND dinner tonight, I went to the bakery counter at Atlanta Bread Company and almost ordered a banana nut muffin, which I'm sure is about 10 million calories, 500 thousand grams of fat, and 30 cups of sugar - why not just have a Snickers bar!? Anyway, I said, "Nevermind," and hurried out the door to my car.

Food Intake:
- The Station Cafe: 4 pieces of wheat toast with 3 pats of butter and 5 jelly packets, 1 glass of Diet Pepsi
- Atlanta Bread Company: glass of caffeinated iced tea
- The Station Cafe: salad: romaine, iceberg, tomatoes, green bell pepper, mushrooms, black olives, pickles, shredded cheddar cheese, honey mustard dressing, 16 saltine crackers, 1 glass of caffeinated iced tea
- 1 peach
- McAlister's Deli: 1/2 cup vegetarian chili, most of a greek salad, 2 glasses of caffeinated iced tea, 8 crackers
- Atlanta Bread Company: salad: romaine, spring mix, tomatoes, walnuts, feta cheese, honey mustard dressing, 1 roll, bowl of corn chowder (yikes, cream, poplano cheese, potato - FAT again!), 1 glass of Coke (no, maam! that's SO off-limits!), 2 glasses of caffeinated iced tea

Exercise: Just moving stuff for the garage sale and non-stop errands (seems like a workout, though)

Weight: 253.5

August 23, 2005

Life's been crazy for me. Lots of things going on, one of which was a painful thing. I put my cat, Savory, to sleep last week after struggling for months and months and months with behavioral wetting and pooping problems. It's over now and I'm dealing with feelings of guilt, some remorse, some more guilt from feeling some relief, and so on. Doing a bit of comfort eating to ease the pain, which I hate to admit works some times, even if only for a bit. Anyway, I'm still here, but life's been too much for me to be able to or want to sit down to write.

Signed, Struggling but Still Here

September 22, 2005

It's been a month. I'm just going up and down in my life right now. One day I'll have a fabulous day and feel like I know what I'm doing, and I'm recharged to live a high raw lifestyle. The next day I'll have a shitty day and take it out on my diet. If I'm happy personally and professionally, I seem to eat well. If I'm depressed about my goals and my job (which really fucking sucks right now), I eat like shit. I go back and forth. I'm almost entirely moved in with Boni and her sister now, out in the country. I'm very happy about that. I still have 2 pieces of furniture and a few boxes of kitchen crap to pick up, but otherwise I'm out. I stay out there full-time now, which I adore. The dogs are very happy out there too. They love watching the birds, the bunnies, and the frogs. They love playing with the neighbor dogs and hanging out off their leash on the land. It's so peaceful and quiet. I love that in a matter of minutes I can hear the cows mooing, the hawks screaming, the hummingbirds buzzing, the frogs croaking, the morning doves cooing, and the owls gently calling, "Who cooks for you? Who cooks for you all?" Never in the city could I have heard those beautiful things.

Anyway, so listen guys. I'm just really busy, overwhelmed, trying to do a lot with my art, getting back into raw gourmet and buying raw bulk stuff again, trying to get myself and my stuff situated at Boni's house, trying to get a handle on the huge stack of paperwork I've let get out of control, figure out finances and a way to get the hell out from working for others and make it on my own. I am SO not a person who can work for someone else. It's so obvious. I'm venting, can you tell? Anyway, honestly the last thing on my priority list is being the perfect little Raw Girl. But believe me it's NOT the last thing on my mind. I just have to take a care free approach to life right now, or I'm gonna go off the deep end. I make great choices some of the time, I make very not-great choices other times, but I'm definitely still believing in this lifestyle. I know the scale believes in it. What did I weigh last time I journaled? I forget now, but at the moment I'm weighing between 259-260, with the scale going down on "good" days and up on "not-so-good" days. Some days I wonder if I'll have to get back up to 310 to make a serious change. You know how many people lose tons of weight then gain it all back? I don't think I'll do that, but hell I never thought I'd gain back 30 pounds either, so who knows. Ugh, I hate sounding like such a poopy failure, but I guess this is the journey I've chosen, and with that choice has come consequences.

Ok, I'm done writing for the day. I've felt so overwhelmed thinking of all the times I've wanted to write, all the things I've wanted to share with you all. I just don't have it in me right now. I wish I had a little tape recorder in my head that I could just click on and off any time I have something relevant or important to share with y'all.

Take care and hope to share again sooner than a month from now.

October 23, 2005

Hello Raw World. Remember me? I'm that girl who lost 80 pounds and was feeling great!!! Now I'm the girl who lost 80 pounds and gained back 30. Still haven't lost that 30 pounds again, but I do keep thinkin' about it! Winter's a bitch of a time to start back into salads and fruit, ain't it? Oh well. I look at that "skinny" pic of me 30 pounds ago and wonder what happened to that incredibly determined raw girl. Guess I have to start searching to find her again, huh? Hope you all are well. This is a super busy time of year for me at work, my hours are changing - still part time, but now will have off on Mondays and Fridays so that's exciting and much better for working on my art business. I'm very happy with life on that end, doing lots of artwork, taking lots of great photographs and enjoying my creativity. Now to get my physical body back on track!

Oh here are a few quotes relevant to me right now:

"Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor."
- Truman Capote

"The capacity for hope is the most significant fact of life. It provides human beings with a sense of destination and the energy to get started."
- Norman Cousins

December 31, 2005

Below is what I wrote back in November, right before Thanksgiving...I'm including it here because it WAS true at the time.

I just reread my last October journal entry, and lo and behold, I could type the exact same entry today. One month later and I'm still feeling like a ship lost at sea. It used to be smooth sailing, remember? It didn't even take a thought on how to steer that once raw boat of mine. Now, I feel like a "man overboard" and my old self is standing on the edge of the boat, waiting to see if that "man" can make it back above water. Enough with the fucking cliches and silly analogies. I am just trying to say I feel lost. I hate to admit feeling lost, but I am. Boni has been sort of a life saver (no pun intended) in that she's made a January 1st commitment to go back to high raw. I've committed to join her and am grateful that someone on this journey is still here to remind me of all that I gained from that lifestyle.

I joined a gym on November 8th with Boni's sister. Her membership doesn't start until January 1st, because she'll be traveling until then, but I chose to start mine right away, knowing that if I didn't get there immediately, I'd never do it.

Oh here are a few quotes relevant to me right now:

"One day in retrospect the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful."
– Sigmund Freud

"The gain in self-confidence of having accomplished a tiresome labour is immense."
– Arnold Bennett

"Put your heart, mind, intellect, and soul even to your smallest acts. This is the secret of success."
– Swami Sivananda Saraswati

"There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do."
– Freya Stark

"What we hope ever to do with ease we may learn first to do with diligence."
– Samuel Johnson

writing for December 31st ---

Life has changed now, as it normally does, and so I shall begin journaling again as of today.

Let's see, no way to capture everything that happened over the last 2 months, so I'll summarize. Boni and I broke up again at the end of November, and so I've moved out of our country house in Gentry and am now living in Fayetteville, a culturally hip and happening, much more liberal and active part of Northwest Arkansas. It's a college town and the place I'm renting is right off of Dickson, the most hip and happening part of Fayetteville. I'm renting a part of a house built in 1915. My part of the house was added on in the 20s. It's wonderful, quaint, funky and perfect for me. I'm settled in now and can begin a new chapter in all areas of this book I call life.

Starting tomorrow, I'm going back to the raw lifestyle I had when I first started this journey. I consider it 75/25. 75% raw, 25% healthy, vegan, cooked. If you review my journal from January 2003, you'll see what I'm talking about. I went grocery shopping today, the last day of 2005 to get ready for tomorrow morning. Here's what I bought:

- 3 pounds of pink lady apples
- 3 pounds of golden delicious apples
- 8 pounds of oranges
- 1 bunch of bananas
- 5 pounds of carrots
- a bunch of romaine leaf lettuce
- a bunch of red leaf lettuce
- a bag of red globe grapes
- a pound of raw almonds in the shell
- a pint of grape tomatoes
- a stalk of celery
- a bunch of radishes
- a little over a pound of red potatoes
- 5 pounds of yukon gold potatoes
- a can of organic diced tomatoes and a box of dried vegetarian chili (for those weak moments where I panic about my reclaimed raw lifestyle and have to have something - it's like an emergency kit for me, a backup incase I want to go out and binge on something MUCH worse - like Mexican or Pizza)

I already had a package of bell peppers, Annie's Goddess Dressing, some Spicy Italian dressing, green olives, black olives, sweet gherkin pickles and kosher baby dills, and other random items like raisins, truly raw cashews, and other raw ingredients that I had when I used to be raw.

I gave my roommate and her two kids the rest of my organic Kashi cereal, pretzels, and roasted peanuts in the shell. I have a few packages of chocolate chip cookies given to me over the holidays that I'm going to give to my roommate's ex to give to his work buddies. That should about do it. Everything else in my pantry, brought from Boni's house are items that I don't have issues with - for example, canned pears and peaches, some canned vegan soups, etc.

I'm ready!!! It's time. I've gained all the weight I want to gain (not that I wanted to, but you know what I mean). I've grown tired of hating seeing myself in the mirror, in seeing my reflection in store-front windows, and in no longer fitting into my "skinny" clothes. That's all over. I'm reclaiming myself world!!! Come join me!

I'll be posting a new picture of myself tomorrow, as a huge step toward the honesty that cooked food results in! Then I'm getting my ass back to that gym immediately (I wonder if they are open tomorrow, given that it's New Year's Day AND it's Sunday. We'll see)....

Looking forward to posting on a daily basis again. I've missed my journaling. It was such a remarkable way for me to track my successes in living a healthy lifestyle.