Raw Daily Journal

January 1, 2006

Sorry, didn't get this posted last night. I had TONS of emails. Guess my journaling again and asking others to update their pictures generated quite a few emails for me to respond to. It's good to be in contact with the outside world again.

OH and I didn't get my pictures up last night, working on getting tons of other people's pictures updated. I will do it today!!!

Anyway, so here's my food intake for Day 1 back on the Raw Wagon. I feel great with my choices and can't believe today wasn't as difficult as I imagined it would be. Don't get me wrong, I reminisced about the nachos I'd had the day before, but am more determined than ever to get this weight off and feel amazing, once and for all. I ate and ate and ate all day long and constantly felt hungry, but it's because my body was looking for carbs and crap to fill up instead of the healthy stuff. Can't wait til my body trusts that I'll give it all it needs nutritionally.

Food Intake:
- banana
- glass of iced tea (always will be unsweetened when I list it in my journal)
- orange
- handful of truly raw cashews
- few bites of Manna bread (not technically raw, just sprouted grain bread baked at low temperatures)
- banana
- glass of iced tea
- huge salad: romaine, red leaf lettuce, radishes, celery, grape tomatoes, red bell pepper, sunflower seeds, raisins, black olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- glass of iced tea
- pink lady apple
- large handful raw in-shell almonds
- orange
- few bites of Manna bread
- steamed frozen veggies (carrots, corn, peas, green beans) with new potatoes, sea salt, pepper
- glass of iced tea
- large handful red globe grapes (hate those damn seeds though!)

Exercise: 2+ mile walk/hike with the pups up on Mount Sequoyah

Weight: 266.5 pounds

January 2, 2006

Well I didn't get my pictures taken today. It's really a bummer, cause I'd really like to be able to see exactly where I was before I started eating healthy again and working out. Oh well, tomorrow's another day.

I was depressed pretty much most of the day today, so I didn't "accomplish" much. I still managed to eat healthy AND I just got back from the gym, so that's what matters right now. I just need to take care of myself and not expect too much else. Detoxing means I'm sad, low energy, and can't get enough to drink. Granted most of what I'm drinking is iced tea, but I'm constantly drinking. I'm not much of a water drinker, and once I get enough fruit going in my body each day, I won't need water anyway.

There was a point today where I was just starving, it was actually this evening before dinner. I got the frozen seasoned veggies out of the freezer, the ones I had brought over from Boni's house when I moved. I added new potatoes to the steamer with the veggies and had an absolutely delicious, satisfying meal. Anne Marie, my roommate, commented that my veggies smelled better than the pizza they had just had. She may have just been being nice, but it made me feel good regardless. I am glad I was downstairs when their pizza arrived and they ate it, cause I think it would have been painful to watch them eating the junk food I "gave up."

After dinner tonight, I juiced 3 pounds of golden delicious apples and then about 4 pounds of carrots. I figure I need to start drinking some of those fruits/veggies or they're going to go bad. Oh and I "should" (hate that damn word!) drink other drinks other than iced tea some of the time. The pulp of the apples will make a nice applesauce for me or for Evie, Anne Marie's 13 month old daughter. And the pulp of the carrots will be perfect for raw chili or maybe even a carrot cake if I get ambitious. Or, it might go to waste, we'll see how I do this week.

I went to the gym late tonight, I guess so I could not have the pressure of beautiful bodies surrounding me. I fear that look of, "Oh, you're a fatty who made a New Year's Resolution and are going to come here a few times and then waste your membership by never coming back. Get off the treadmill and let us 'superbodies' use it." I digress. Anyway, I'm either 1.) seriously detoxing, 2.) am sore from my 2+ mile trek yesterday, or 3.) don't have the same stamina and energy I did have because I haven't been to the gym in more than a month. One of these things is definitely the case, because when I normally would walk a mile on the gym treadmill, I could do it in 16 minutes and my speed would stay at about 3.7 mph. Tonight, I walked a mile in 30 minutes and my speed never got above 2.0 mph. That's half the energy and stamina that I normally have. And on top of that, I FELT like I was going 3.7 mph, but when I'd look in the mirror, I'd see this fat chic sluggishly moving at barely a turtle's crawl.

So anyway, I made it through another day. I'm hopeful that I'll start seeing results fairly quickly, so I can keep my motivation up! And, cause I want to have a noticeable difference by the time I go back to work on the 10th. That's just vanity creeping up on me!

Food Intake:
- banana
- glass of iced tea
- orange
- too many raw cashews - probably nearly 2 cups
- huge salad: romaine, red leaf lettuce, grape tomatoes, radishes, celery, red bell pepper, sunflower seeds, raisins, green and black olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- glass of iced tea
- orange
- orange
- glass of iced tea
- big bowl of steamed seasoned frozen veggies with new potatoes
- glass of iced tea
- orange
- orange

Exercise: 1 mile walk on the treadmill (jogged less than 1/8 of a mile)

January 3, 2006

Yuck!! That's me up there! Blech! Ok, never again. That's what a gain of 35 pounds will do. I can't wait til January is over and I have a February (30 days back on the wagon) picture to post. The only angle I didn't get taken today was my back/butt shot. I thought I took it, but when I downloaded the pictures, that angle wasn't there. Interesting. Guess I really hate that angle. Oh well, I'll take it tomorrow and get it posted. Here's a link to my updated full-body shots.

So today was a very down day for me today. I was moody, angry, depressed, every yucky emotion I could feel came out of me today. I have so many things on my mind and on top of that, I'm fucking detoxing like a bitch. I'm wanting to eat shit food to numb the pain, I'm wanting to shop to stop the feelings, I'm wanting a drink, a cigarette, a joint. All of the things I've given up, I want them. I want to take every vice I've ever used and implement them all at once. So the pain will stop. (PS I'm talking emotional pain from the ending of my relationship - it's not all food-related)

Anyway, bottom line is I'm NOT using any vices to curb the pain, so life kinda sucks right now. Damn healthy foods aren't helping, other than the fact that I know my body is happier and is responding with weight loss (I cheated and weighed at the gym tonight, but won't post my weight until Sunday, when I weigh on this scale at home)...

I worked out tonight. Just did 21 minutes on the treadmill and then some stretching yoga exercises. I mentioned that last night I walked 30 minutes and barely made a mile, going 2.0 mph, which seemed so odd to me based on past experiences. Tonight I walked 1.25 miles in 21 minutes, and burned way more calories than I did last night. I hate that various treadmills produce various results. It makes me doubt my workouts.

So I craved Burger King's veggie burger, onion rings and a large coke with extra ice tonight after the gym. It was the only bad craving I had today. The rest of the day was spent thinking about huge salads. That's progress, for sure. I actually ate 4 salads today, wow. What a change from chips, salsa, queso, pizza, sodas, crackers, bread, chocolate, and whatever else I shoved in my pie-hole, which was slowly killing me.

That's my report for the day. Summary, emotionally I'm a wreck, physically I'm weak, tired and achey, nutritionally...I'm great. I guess all I can rely on right now is feeding my body what it needs, and let the universe handle the rest.

Food Intake:
- banana
- 1 c. cashews
- glass of iced tea
- orange
- small handful raw pecans
- McDonald's (finished up gift certificates) - 2 side salads: romaine, carrots, tomatoes - one with lowfat Italian dressing, one with pecans (in my car) and balsamic vinaigrette; large iced tea
- large piece of Manna bread with pecans
- large carrot/apple juice (freshly squeezed in my Champion Juicer)
- Subway Veggie Delite salad: iceberg, spinach, green bell peppers, pickles, black olives, tomatoes, cucumbers, red wine vinegarette; glass of water
- Arsaga's coffee shop - decaf earl grey hot tea with honey and soy milk
- large handful raw pecans and cashews
- 2 oranges
- huge salad: romaine, red leaf lettuce, radishes, celery, red bell pepper, sunflower seeds, raisins, black olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- glass of iced tea

Exercise: 20 minutes/1.25 miles on the treadmill, some stretching/yoga exercises

January 4, 2006

Could life suck any more? I don't think so. Personally my life has taken a huge nose-dive. Nutritionally, I'm doing great. Eating well and I know I'm losing weight. My clothes already feel less snug. Not in the mood to write tonight, but here's my food intake.

Food Intake:
- cup of pecans, cashews, brazil nuts
- glass of iced tea
- orange
- more mixed nuts
- steamed seasoned veggies with some raw tabouli (cracked bulgar wheat soaked in water with red/green bell peppers, celery, black olives, pepper, sea salt, cayenne pepper)
- glass of iced tea
- huge salad: romaine, red leaf lettuce, radishes, celery, grape tomatoes, red bell pepper, sunflower seeds, raisins, black olives, green olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- glass of iced tea
- orange
- some more mixed nuts
- 4 sweet gherkins
- orange
- glass of iced tea

Exercise: Hauling and stacking firewood with a wheelbarrow. No gym tonight. Could have used it, but was too emotionally drained.

January 5, 2006

Morning was tough, but then the rest of the day got better. I'm going to survive this. Sometimes it doesn't seem like it, but I'm a survivor. I always make it through some how, some way. Ok, have to feed myself a line of bull each day in order to keep waking up. But whatever, I woke up and made it through another day (partial line taken from "Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love).

Dinner with a friend after a business meeting this evening. Had Ruby Tuesday's - felt so empowered at my choices - no cheese, no crackers, no ranch, no sesame sticks, no loaded baked potato, nada. What an improvement!!!

(Ok I shouldn't have, but I needed a pick-me-up this morning, so I weighed. I'm stoked! I weigh 260 pounds. That's 6.5 pounds lost in 4 days, woohooooooooooo! Yes, life can feel like it's falling apart around me, but I still have control over my nutrition/health/body)

Here's a quote for all of us back on this journey:

"Man can only become what he is able to consciously imagine."
– Dane Rudhyar

Food Intake:
- nothing until 1:30 pm (just not hungry, but forced a juice and a banana into me to avoid my body going into "starvation mode" and starting to store fat - especially given that I'm actually losing weight now!)
- glass of carrot/apple juice
- banana
- Chick-fil-A: iced tea
- Ruby Tuesday's: many glasses of iced tea, 1/2 plain baked potato with salt/pepa, 2 trips to the salad bar: romaine, mixed greens, shredded carrots, peas, cucumber, bell pepper, dried cranberries, raisins, green olives, black olives, sunflower seeds, balsamic vinegarette (ick) - other trip was the same but with honey mustard dressing
- orange

Exercise: 35 minutes on the treadmill - 2 miles, burned more than 400 calories, yes!!! Some stretching/yoga/exercise ball exercises; Felt great!

Weight: 260 pounds

January 6, 2006

What a productive day!!! (And I didn't cry once!!! Huge accomplishment, am so grateful I'm working through this grief process in a healthy way.)

I woke up late after my first peaceful, solid night of sleep. I met a friend for lunch, one I hadn't seen in several weeks. We went to Razorback Pizza so I could get the salad bar. I didn't care that it's iceberg lettuce. For some reason a pizza place salad bar makes me really happy. Strange, huh? I wasn't tempted by the food, but when she got her small thin-crust pepperoni pizza, I have to say it looked damn good. I was fine with my salad, but I did steal a few smells to imagine what it tasted like. I avoided the crackers, shredded cheese and ranch dressing, which would have normally been my biggest splurges. I brought my own Annie's Goddess Dressing with me in case there wasn't anything reasonable to put on my salad. None of the Kraft crap looked appealing, so I was grateful to have the dressing, even if my friend probably thought I was a freak.

So, I'm not really hungry for anything in particular the last two days, but my stomach is growling and I can tell I am hungry. Didn't eat throughout the day like I normally have been. Need to be more consistent about feeding myself something every 1-2 hours. Seems to help with weight loss too. I believe in the "starvation mode" where our bodies don't get enough food so it goes into starvation mode and starts storing fat cause it doesn't think we're going to give it enough food. So, the last thing I want to do is STOP eating as much. Jeez, which problem is more difficult for me to have? When I'm grieving a loss, my appetite lessens. (That's the ONLY time though.)

I'm going to send an email to all of the people who have been on my Journaling waiting list, but wanted to also post a note here. On the From SAD to RAW Yahoo! Group, there's a place for people to post their own journals. Here's a link in case you want to join the rest of us on this journey, by documenting our food intakes, exercise, feelings about and experiences with this journey or other raw-related journal topics.

Also, this Sunday, at 6:00 pm CST, we're going to have a Chat on the same From SAD to RAW Yahoo! Group. Feel free to join us. We're gonna talk about whatever we want regarding our raw journies, and offer each other support as most of us have just started over less than a week ago. Here's a link to the Chat. And actually, if people wanted, you could go chat any time you want at that link. You don't HAVE to have a scheduled time. Maybe if some of the journalers popped in there from time to time, people would be there chatting, and we'd end up having a constant place to meet up anytime someone was needing some support or encouragement.

PS I'm excited about weigh-day on Sunday!!! I'm hoping for 10 pounds, but will be happy with anything above 6.5

PPS I just saw a link to The Biggest Loser diet profile. So I clicked on it for fun (cause I remember they were using Jello and Weight Control oatmeal as "healthy" foods to eat to lose weight and I thought that was just a huge hilarious joke!)...Here's what it said after I put in my information.

Healthy weight range - 125.3-168.6 pounds (My goal is 170 and always has been)
Daily Caloric Intake should be 1,820 calories
It says my BMI is 38.4 (listed as obese) and my ideal is 24

Interesting, I say, as I shrug my shoulders. I'm just grateful that I can lose all the weight I want without giving a hell about daily caloric intake.

Food Intake:
- nothing until 1:00 pm
- leftover iced tea from last night Ruby Tuesday's
- went to Razorback Pizza with a friend: 2 trips to the salad bar - small bowls of shredded iceberg lettuce with tomatoes, carrot sticks, cucumbers, sunflower seeds, and Annie's Goddess Dressing, iced tea
- banana
- orange
- more of the leftover iced tea
- salad: red leaf lettuce, celery, grape tomatoes, green bell pepper, sunflower seeds, raisins, black olives, green olives, 2 sweet gherkins, 2 baby dill pickles, Annie's Goddess Dressing and some Kraft Spicy Italian dressing to thin out the Annie's (I ate most of it, but then my roommate ate some of it too, while I picked at the remaining olives and pickles
- glass of iced tea
- glass of iced tea

Exercise: None, other than helping a friend rearrange her bedroom; , gym closed at 8 pm and I was getting ready to go at 7:30, so I just said forget it for tonight. Tomorrow morning for sure!

January 7, 2006

"The moment of enlightenment is when a person's dreams of possibilities become images of probabilities."
– Vic Braden

That's where I'm almost at right now. I've been so depressed for what seems like forever, that when I start living a productive, healthy life again, even for a moment, it seems awkward and a bit scary. I'm working through the letting go and moving on process from my relationship and creating new and healthy situations for myself. It's scary to be healthy. I'm not comfortable with it at all yet. Working on it though. The Serenity Prayer is pretty much burned on to the back of my eyelids from whispering it to myself over and over and over again. What the hell would I do without that "letting go" mantra?

I'm still not doing great at constantly eating throughout the day, which often results in being starving by the time I make time to eat something. I must be better about this!

Tomorrow is a full day for me. Going to go the gym to work out, make Raw Chili, take the pups for a walk, bathe and trim the pups when we return, have the online From SAD to RAW Yahoo! Group chat at 6:00 pm, and watch the season premier of The L Word on Showtime. Only two days left of vacation. I go back to work on Tuesday morning. Ick, I've gotten VERY used to this time off, staying up late, sleeping in and doing whatever I want. I guess the routine will be good for me though.

Ok, going to crash. It's almost 1 am and this will be the earliest I've gone to bed this week.

PS Tomorrow is my weekly weigh-in. Will post results tomorrow night. I'm praying for a 10 pound total week weight loss, but will work on being happy with whatever the number is. I know my tummy has gone down, clothes are fitting more loose and my double chin is starting to diminish, so that should be enough for me.

Food Intake:
- 1 c. cashews, pecans, brazil nuts
- glass of iced tea
- 3/4 glass of carrot/apple juice
- Schlotszky's: garden salad of romaine, mixed greens, iceberg, grape tomatoes, cucumbers, black olives, a bite of a pepperonci pepper (ick, no thanks), light ranch and light italian dressings mixed; bowl of vegetarian vegetable soup, iced tea
- glass of carrot/apple juice (I tend to like more apple than carrot)
- 2 more bowls of Schlotsky's vegetable soup (had gift card, bought three bowls to take with me), added some of the raw tabouli to the soup (since I didn't really like how the tabouli turned out, this helped get it gone!)
- glass of iced tea
- 5 clementines (yum! first time having them, bought a small crate of them at Wal-Mart today)
- glass of iced tea

Exercise: 31 minutes on the treadmill - 2 miles, burned 422 calories, yes, made even better time today than the other night!!!! Some stretching/yoga/exercise ball exercises; Feels so good to be working out again! I sweated like a pig and loved every minute of it. The guy jogging next to me was jogging at the exact same pace I was walking, I was REALLY power walking today!

January 8, 2006

Today was weigh-day. I almost hit 10 pounds this week!!!! I weigh 257, total loss this week of 9.5 pounds. It really made me happy to see the hard work I've been doing pay off in this way. I'm hopeful I will keep being rewarded from healthy eating and exercise with another nice weight loss next week. I feel more confident today in my food choices. I feel back to my old self again. So grateful to the universe for being there for me and helping me when I've felt weak.

I had a great workout today. For the first time, I really pushed myself. I walked hard, walked angry. I worked out some of my anger through walking is what I mean. When I'd think of something that upset me, I'd up the speed, walk harder, tighten my muscles, feel the intensity. I had to kick myself at the end to make 2 miles in 30 minutes. I even jogged some of the time. Felt really good.

We had a chat on the From SAD to RAW Yahoo! Group tonight. Only 5 of us were there, but it was nice. We're going to start having them each Sunday at 6:00 pm CST. People who can show up will, no obligation to any of us to be there. But it will be a good support system to have in place each week for anyone who needs it. Here's a link to the chatroom.

I go back to work on Tuesday. Tomorrow's my last day of vacation. It's very strange to think about going back to work after being off 18 days. Feels like I'm starting a new job or something. I have a feeling my life will be changing quite a bit in the coming months, even more than just my food intake and exercise. I'm scared of change, but know that the universe is taking care of me, even when I'm so desperate to try to control everything all by myself.

I just did a check on statistics for this website. Thought it was fascinating and wonderful to see these high numbers since 2004, when I first opened this site....131,470 unique visitors and 5,839,477 total webpage hits. Wow, that's incredible! And I can tell 2006 is going to be the year of healthy living, because so far just in the first 8 days of January, there have been 1,944 unique visitors. That's a lot of new people coming to the raw food lifestyle.

Below is a list of a few books I'm trying to move through in my raw inventory. I've been trying to clear things out so I can order new items in 2006. These are all NEW, not used. I accept paypal, there's no tax if you are out of Arkansas. You just pay actual shipping charges.

Book: Introducing Living Foods to Your Child: Guidebook for Babies through Two Years
Author: Beth Montgomery
Price: $3 (Nature's First Law sells these for $5.95 each)
Quantity Available: 1

Book: Conscious Eating
Author: Gabriel Cousens M.D.
Price: $20 (Nature's First Law sells these for $35 each)
Quantity Available: 1

Book: Naked Chocolate
Author: David Wolfe and Shazzie
Price: $15 (Nature's First Law sells these for $24.95)
Quantity Available: 1

Food Intake:
- 2 clementines
- small handful pecans
- glass of iced tea
- banana
- bowl of Schlotszky's vegetarian vegetable soup with the rest of the tabouli
- 3 more clementines
- 3 more clementines (I'm obsessed)
- glass of iced tea
- small bowl of Raw Chili
- small bowl of steamed frozen veggies (carrots, corn, peas, okra, tomatoes, squash) and fresh new potatoes
- glass of iced tea
- 4 more clementines (I can not stop myself)
- banana
- 2 more clementines (that has to be it for the evening, don't want to overdose on them and then get sick of em)

Exercise: 30 minutes on the treadmill - 2 miles, burned 435 calories, again - made even better time today than the other night!!!! I was so tired and red-faced and sweating that I called it a day

Weight: 257 (9.5 pounds weight loss this week)

January 9, 2006

Met with a friend for a walk and dinner at Outback Steakhouse. It was a really great way to end my vacation. I go back to work tomorrow. Should be interesting. Still have quite a bit to do before I go to bed early tonight. Hope everyone else is doing well. I feel really good about how I'm eating and exercising, and doing in general with my "moving on" process. Interesting that it just started raining here tonight after months without a drop. Part of my cleansing process? Emotional and nutritional...

Food Intake:
- glass of orange juice (commercial, not from concentrate)
- 1/2 large bowl of reheated (stove) steamed frozen veggies, 1/2 large bowl raw chili
- glass of iced tea
- Outback Steakhouse: 2 salads: iceberg/romaine, cucumbers, tomatoes, honey mustard dressing; side of steamed mixed veggies; iced tea
- 3 clementines
- glass of iced tea

Exercise: 1.8 mile walk at Wilson Park with a friend

January 10, 2006

Easier than I thought. Work that is. I was super busy, that helped tons. Thank gosh for getting behind. Lots to make up fast. I did have a stomach ache this morning. I think I'm PMSing. I'm in a bitchy, moody mood and with the stomach ache, I'm thinkin' it was cramps. Also, I feel fat and bloated today, though I can't have gained weight, cause I'm eating great and working out.

I did have some cravings today. Nothing I couldn't deal with (who the hell is saying that? not the girl who couldn't pass up one roll last month, that's for sure!). Anyway, I happily asked for no cheese on my salad at lunch and didn't even have one cracker. Interesting that I only used 2 1/2 of the dressing containers, whereas I usually use 4, sometimes 5! I guess not having those crackers to dry up and soak up the dressing with, means I need less dressing.

I smelled something delicious my roommate made her family tonight and had to take my ass back downstairs to not crave whatever it was. Weird how I can want something I don't even know what it is.

I really could just crash tonight, but I'm about to walk out the door to the gym. Gotta get some walking in, whether it's snowing outside or not! (Just got back, I sweated like crazy, but barely made a mile in 33 minutes and according to the stupid treadmill I was on, I only burned 200 calories. I can't wait til this gym gets new equipment, I'm sick of not knowing what's accurate.)

Food Intake:
- glass of orange juice (commercial, not from concentrate)
- glass of iced tea (bought a gallon of Chick-fil-A unsweetened tea on my way to work)
- banana, 1 c. pecans (reminded me of banana nut bread, yum!)
- 3 clementines (I only have 1 left!!! gotta buy more)
- The Station Cafe: good sized-salad: romaine, green bell pepper, tomatoes, radishes, mushrooms, pickles, black olives, honey mustard dijon dressing, iced tea
- salad: three-leaf lettuce (bagged), celery, grape tomatoes, red/yellow sweet pepper, walnuts, raisins, black olives, green olives, carrots, radishes, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- glass of iced tea

Exercise: 2 miles (1 1/2 miles at 2 on the incline, 1/2 mile on no incline) at 33 minutes, pace was between 3.6 and 3.9 mph today, no stretching - the gym was too crowded and I needed to get home to the pups, as they had been in their crate all day

January 11, 2006

I had a very very very productive day on many levels. Work went fast because I had lots to do and ended up getting quite a bit done; after work, I immediately took the pups for a walk, cause they desparately need Mommy time; then I got some jewelry created that was looooong-overdue; ate a delicious dinner; and ran out the door to the gym. Tuesdays-Thursdays are going to be hellish, trying to work, get personal things done AND have a life. Can't complain, really, it's only part-time. How in the hell did I used to do this Monday-Friday?

Ok, off to bed, back's hurting from killing myself on the treadmill.

PS I WAS PMSing yesterday. Started my period today. If I lost 10 pounds AND I was bloated, I can not WAIT to weigh in after I'm done. I'm sure my weight loss will be even more!

Food Intake:
- large glass of orange juice (commercial, not from concentrate)
- 1 clementine
- glass of iced tea
- banana
- orange (ick, sooooo not the same as a clementine)
- The Station Cafe: good sized-salad: romaine, green bell pepper, tomatoes, radishes, mushrooms, pickles, black olives, honey mustard dijon dressing, iced tea (ick, the chef put red onion on it today and I spent 10 minutes picking off every nasty bit of it, onion on salad is just wrong!)
- yummy pre-dinner dessert: cut-up banana with walnuts, raisins, honey
- glass of iced tea
- bowl of steamed frozen veggies, walnuts, new potato, yukon gold potato and some Annie's Goddess Dressing (absolute heaven)
- glass of iced tea

Exercise: Walk with the dogs, probably a mile or so; 2 mile walk at the gym (mostly at 4.0 mph, some jogging at 4.9 mph), 31 minutes total on the treadmill

January 12, 2006

Good day today. Started out with a headache, but got it under control quickly this morning. Had lunch with a friend, got a lot done at work, took the pups for another nice walk after work, cleaned and organized my bedroom and office (having company this weekend and it needed cleaning anyway), had a delicious, healthy dinner, did some laundry and then went to the gym late tonight. Kicked butt again on the treadmill and actually didn't mind seeing myself in the mirror as I walked to the water fountain. I can really tell a difference in my body already. So proud of the work I've been doing. I can not wait until Sunday morning for my weekly weigh-in.

PS It's not always as easy as it's seeming in my journal these days. I do have moments where I wanna go get a Chick-fil-A biscuit and hashbrowns or a Burger King veggie burger and onion rings or Acambaro's chips, salsa, queso and tortillas. But I'm just not willing to throw away all I'm accomplishing. And I'm not willing to kick my ass at the gym, just to barely break even in calories and fat for a 3 minute fast food fix.

Food Intake:
- glass of iced tea
- banana with 3/4 c. pecans
- Ruby Tuesdays: 2 trips to the salad bar: romaine, mixed greens, shredded carrots, peas, green bell peppers, black olives, dried cranberries, raisins, pickles, sunflower seeds, honey mustard dressing (first trip), italian (second trip); lots of iced tea
- bowl of banana with almonds, raisins and honey
- glass of iced tea
- bowl of steamed frozen veggies with walnuts and some added honey for sweetness
- glass of iced tea
- can of sliced peaches (in real fruit juice from concentrate)
- sips of iced tea from earlier glass
- 15 or so pecans
- 3 clementines (dang, this batch had seeds and wasn't as sweet as the other crate)

Exercise: walk with the pups around the neighborhood, 2 mile walk (bit of jogging too) on the treadmill at 3.7-4.0 mph on a varied incline (from 1-4), burned 450 calories in about 33 minutes, 15 weight-ball-crunches with Vicki

January 13, 2006

Everything's fine here. Not feeling quite as "thin" as I was yesterday, but I know after my period ends, I'll have a boost of confidence in the body image area.

Went to lunch with a friend at Olive Garden today. She got chicken with roasted potatoes and grilled vegetables. She doesn't eat veggies much, so I took a bite of her squash. It was absolutely disgusting. It tasted like fish guts! Yuck! She said the potatoes tasted like it too.

I was sluggish on the treadmill tonight. Very difficult to keep my speed up, and I couldn't keep the incline up today, but I somehow managed to make the 2 miles at a nice speed and within 32 minutes.

When I came home tonight, my roommates were digging into a Eureka Pizza pizza; what looked like a veggie supreme. That was my first serious craving. I smelled that delicious pepper/onion/mushroom/olive/cheese/bread smell and had to nearly run out of the room. It smelled unbelievable. Remember, pizza is one of my serious crap-cooked-cravings. Grabbed some clementines and headed downstairs to get away from the smell. Shit it's no wonder America eats shit, it smells so damn good!

Food Intake:
- Olive Garden: 2 bowls of salad: iceberg, tomatoes, black olives, italian dressing; 3 bowls of the vegan minestrone soup broth (don't eat the beans or pasta shells); bite of squash; iced tea
- Ruby Tuesday's iced tea (medium, they're discontinuing the large cups - idiots!)
- large handful of roasted/salted mixed nuts - pecans, almonds, cashews and some peanuts
- 3 clementines
- Atlanta Bread Company: romaine salad with tomatoes, carrots, walnuts, honey mustard dressing; iced tea
- 3 clementines
- iced tea

Exercise: walk with the pups around the neighborhood, 2 mile walk on the treadmill at 3.6-3.9 mph, burned 425 calories in 32 minutes, stretching and some crunches and ab holding exercises

January 14, 2006

Did some shopping today for household and personal care items. Went to a lady's house to pick up 2 table lamps she was giving away. Went searching for lamp shades for them, but never could find any that weren't $15-20 each! Garage sales will have to be my source this spring.

Took the dogs for a walk at Wilson Park. I'm so digging that park and plan to go there more often. Then went to see "Memoirs of a Geisha" with a friend and then dinner at Fire Mountain. Fire Mountain is basically a glorified Ryan's Buffet. I really wanted veggies with salad, but wasn't wanting the grilled squash/zucchini they offered off the grill. I got two plates of yummy carrots, corn and green beans, but regretted the second plate as I started feeling queezy, nauseous and kind of drunk. I'm sure whatever they soak the hell out of those veggies with - butter, grease, whatever, sent my now healthy stomach into turmoil. Don't need to go there again. I'm supposed to be meeting a friend there on Monday for lunch, but I'm going to suggest Outback or somewhere else instead.

PS Tomorrow is weigh-day and I'm so mad at myself for eating that crap tonight, as I'm sure it will impact my weight even more than my period already will.

Food Intake:
- large glass of apple juice (squeezed last week)
- iced tea
- 1 3/4 bananas, pecans, raisins, honey (not as good as normal, too sweet or something)
- 3 clementines
- iced tea
- packet of Planters Fruit and Nut Mix (peanuts, raisins, banana chips, cashews, dried pineapple, cranberries and papaya)
- Fire Mountain: 2 plates cooked veggies, soaked in whatever they soak them in! (corn, carrots, green beans), plate of salad: pre-mixed caesar salad, pre-mixed vinaigrette salad, 2 pickle spears, green bell pepper, shredded carrots, shredded iceberg lettuce, italian dressing, roasted peanuts, small plate of roasted peanuts and jellied cranberry sauce, iced tea
- 4 clementines

Exercise: .75 mile walk with the pups at Wilson Park

January 15, 2006

Didn't sleep well last night. Woke up late and felt very mopey and depressed. Went for a walk later this afternoon, but that little amount of exercise (slow pace and lots of stopping with the dogs) wasn't enough, so I went to the gym an hour before they closed. I felt so much better after my treadmill walk. I have mixed feelings about working through my depression with exercise. It's good to exercise, but sometimes I think I want to avoid feeling my feelings. And since I'm not using any vices to cope with grief, I worry I use exercise as a type of a vice. I'm not going to worry too much, but I'm just taking note so I can be aware of it.

Oh, I weighed this morning. 258. One pound weight gain. For once, I'm not upset, because I know most of it is water weight due to my period AND I've been working out almost every day and muscle weighs more than fat. I look forward to NEXT week when I'm sure the number will go down significantly.

I tried to find something I could eat in the fridge tonight, but decided nothing sounded good home made, so I went out. Went to Outback, which is where I was wanting to go earlier. Afterwards, I went to Wal-Mart to get some groceries. I stayed in the produce section, and made it out under $20, which is so rare there. I got a mango, some kiwi, bananas, pecans, walnuts, red and yellow onion, and a cucumber.

My depression lifted tonight, and I'm feeling a bit better. Man am I tired of that grief hanging on. I will defeat you, so why not just go away on your own, little fucker!

Food Intake:
- 2 bananas with almonds and raisins (no honey today)
- glass of iced tea
- bowl of re-steamed frozen veggies, walnuts, new potato, and some honey (kinda bored with steamed veggies, need to work on being more creative with my home meals)
- 5 clementines
- Outback Steakhouse: huge house salad: iceberg/romaine, roma tomatoes, cucumbers, honey mustard dressing, side of steamed veggies, iced tea
- few pecans as I was putting them away from grocery shopping

Exercise: 1 mile walk at Wilson Park with the pups; 2 mile walk on the treadmill at the gym, 3.7 mph, 33 minutes, 425 calories

Weight: 258 pounds

January 16, 2006

Hung out with a friend today. We went to lunch at Golden Corral, because Outback was closed for lunch. It was actually pretty good, better than Fire Mountain. After I dropped her off, I went to the gym. I did my regular 2 miles and a few other gym things, but then realized that I wasn't "done" working out. I needed more, so I got back on the treadmill for another mile. I was glad I did that, as I finally exhausted myself after that and actually felt like I'd gotten a workout. Maybe the 2 miles isn't going to be enough anymore. Maybe I'm advancing in my exercise routine. That would be cool. Then again, that would mean I'd have to spend even more time working out, which isn't really something I want to do. I want it to be a part of my day or evening, not my entire day/evening. Hmmm, maybe instead I just need to increase the intensity, the speed I walk or the incline I walk on.

Here are some neat quotes from my inbox.

"Action is the antidote to despair."
– Joan Baez

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be."
– Groucho Marx

"The art of living lies less in eliminating our troubles than in growing with them."
– Bernard Baruch

Food Intake:
- Golden Corral: 2 plates of salad: premixed caesar salad, iceberg, honey mustard dressing, black olives, sunflower seeds, tomatoes, carrots, marinated mushrooms with green bell pepper, 3 bean salad; 2 plates of cooked food: 1/2 plain baked potato, 1/2 baked sweet potato, corn, carrots, green beans; iced tea
- 4 clementines
- iced tea
- fruit salad: 2 kiwis, 1 banana, 1 clementine, 1 mango, raisins, pecans
- iced tea

Exercise: 2 miles on the treadmill at 3.8-3.9 mph, 425 calories in 32 minutes; 30 reps on the ab crunch machine, 5 minutes in the dry sauna, another mile on the treadmill at 3.5-3.7 mph in 15 minutes

January 17, 2006

"Just a day, just a day, just an ordinary day." - Avril Lavigne

Nothing to report. Got my hair cut. Ate fine. Didn't exercise - too pooped and poopy to go. Stayed in with the pups.

Food Intake:
- some apple juice (didn't measure, just swigged out of the jar)
- banana with 1 c. pecans
- Station Cafe: large salad: romaine, green bell pepper, tomatoes, radishes, mushrooms, black olives, pickles, cucumbers, honey mustard dressing, iced tea
- taste test of some raw chocolate candy I made
- bowl of steamed frozen veggies with some sea salt, pepper and a bit of honey
- iced tea
- several handfuls of cashews and pecans throughout the evening

Exercise: none today

January 18, 2006

Some days I just wanna say fuck it and eat something shitty. Today was one of those days. I woke up a bit late and didn't have time to get myself a snack for breakfast. I went through Chick-fil-A to get an iced tea, and I so could have ordered a couple of biscuits, some hashbrowns and my favorite Polynesian sauce. I didn't, but dammit I wanted to.

I think I'm pissed off because I'm working out, eating great, and still feel like a fricken fat cow. I want to be thin right now, this second. I don't wanna wait. I don't care that I've already lost 10+ pounds. I want to be back to 231 pounds. I want to fit into my "little" clothes. I want to feel good about my body, feel beautiful and healthy and fit, and attractive. And I want it all now.

Ah patience is a virtue.

Food Intake:
- "large" (not really large) mixed fruit cup and large iced tea from Chick-fil-A
- banana and 1 c mixed pecans and cashews
- Brioso Brazil: 2 trips to the salad bar - 2 plates of romaine, celery, carrots, tomato slice, red/yellow bell pepper, sweet gherkins, 1 marinated mushroom (icky), black olives, green olives, raisins, roasted/salted sunflower seeds and cashews, blueberry poppyseed dressing on the first plate, creamy caesar dressing on the second plate; iced tea
- 3 cranberry flax crackers from Chef Jeff
- 1 raw chocolate candy ball
- large salad: romaine, grape tomatoes, radishes, carrots, celery, yellow and red sweet peppers, cucumber, green olives, black olives, walnuts, raisins, Annie's Goddess Dressing with some Kraft Spicy Italian dressing, some "raw chili" flax crackers
- iced tea
- iced tea

Exercise: 30 minute walk with the pups around the neighborhood, 2 mile walk on the treadmill - incline at 1, 3.8-3.9 mph (with a bit of jogging at 4.8 mph), 30 reps on the abs machine at 65 pounds

January 19, 2006

I was starving for shit food again today, but enjoyed my salad at the Station Cafe for lunch, then had a fantastic dinner at Outback. I wanted to stop 10 times on the way there to various restaurants like Acambaro, Tim's Pizza, Wendy's, Taco Bell, Burger King, Fuddruckers, even Golden Corral (thinking about mashed potatoes and such). But I kept driving and landed at Outback. I loved my meal, and guess what? I was able to tell the waiter to take away the bread, after he brought it and I stared at it for a minute nearly caving to the temptation.

After walking off some of the dinner at Wal-Mart (I rewarded my week of hard work with 2 pair of new earrings and a few new hair accessories), I headed to the gym. I kicked ass and felt like a million bucks after my workout. I've been weighing at the gym each evening after my workout, and the last 4 days I haven't lost any weight. I'm so curious to see what this Sunday's weigh-in will be. I want to meet or beat my January 2004 weight loss of 19 pounds in one month. That January was my first month on raw ever and I wasn't exercising NEARLY like I am now. I may not get THAT kind of results, since I had way more weight to lose at that time, than I do now, but still, I can dream.

Interesting note - after my shower at the gym, I actually was able to look at my body in the mirror as I headed to the dressing room and NOT be sick. And the towel that I use every night after the shower is actually nearing to close. Nearer, but not there. You know what I mean? If you're really overweight like me, most towels don't even cover half of your body. It's getting closer every day now, though one boob and half of my saddle bags still don't seem to want to stay hidden. I can't WAIT til I can actually tuck the towel in!

PS Here's my horoscope for tomorrow - it just came in my email inbox. Very interesting given what I just wrote.

Take the time to assess your progress. Don't be so set on moving forward that you don't take full advantage of what is around you.

And here's a great quote for what I was talking about yesterday. The fear of using exercise to get through a difficult time. Looks like some Lady Bird thinks it's ok what I'm doing.

"Become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid."
– Lady Bird Johnson

Food Intake:
- Chick-fil-A iced tea
- 3 oz roasted/salted cashews; 3 oz roasted/salted mixed nuts
- Station Cafe: large salad: romaine, green bell pepper, tomatoes, radishes, mushrooms, black olives, pickles, cucumbers, honey mustard dressing, iced tea
- Outback Steakhouse: plain baked potato with chives, steamed veggies, salad with cucumber and roma tomatoes, honey mustard dipped on the potato, veggies and salad; iced tea
- iced tea
- 1 tangelo, 1 nectarine
- handful of pecans/almonds

Exercise: .75 mile walk with the pups at Wilson Park, 5 minutes on the elliptical machine (holy shit that is seriously hard! no wonder I haven't tried that before), 2 mile walk on the treadmill on no incline in 27 minutes! (jogged a little less than half of it), 4 sets of 15 reps on the abs machine at 65 pounds, several sets of middle and side crunches with the weight ball, stretching, 5 minutes in the dry sauna, relax then another 5 minutes in the dry sauna

January 20, 2006

I had a massage today and then went for a walk with my massage therapist at Wilson Park. Had a great time, enjoyed talking and having tea and a much-needed massage.

I didn't eat anything before I went for the massage, so I was starving after the massage, and even more so after we went for a walk. My Mom sent me two $20 gift cards to Fuddrucker's, which is a deadly dangerous place for me, even as a vegetarian. Those fries and onion rings, that cheese sauce and honey mustard. Well, I had heard they have veggie burgers, and knew I could order without the bread so I went there for dinner.

When I ordered, I said no bread please. The manager came over and asked if I wanted the low carb option. I asked what that meant and he said no bread, and they give you a tossed salad. So I ordered that, minus the cheese. It ended up being $9, and when I saw the patty, it looked like a little disc on a big plate, but it was delicious!! Spicy and very flavorful. Thin but hearty. I felt a tinge of guilt for eating a processed soy/veggie/tofu/whatever product, but I felt very proud of the choices I did make, given that I NEVER waste a gift card. It was interesting to watch the rest of the restaurant gorging on burgers and fries and milkshakes, cookies and cakes, cokes and such. One guy sitting across the room from me sat down with a burger the size of his head, no joke. He actually proudly showed his young daughter the monster-sized sandwich. (I admit that when I left, I felt very very full, a bit uncomfortable; guess with or without bread/cheese, processed cooked foods fill me up differently than steamed veggies and such. It may have also been the abundance of honey mustard dressing I enjoyed on the meal.)

I didn't go to the gym tonight. To be honest, I was so hungry after our walk, and knew the gym closed at 8 pm on Fridays, so I chose dinner and Best Buy, over working out. My brother had sent me a Best Buy gift card, so I went and bought a DVD tower for my bedroom/office.

Food Intake:
- nectarine
- 2/3 c. hot black tea with honey
- 2 half pieces of celery
- Fuddruckers: iced tea; garden patty with lettuce, tomatoes, pickles and honey mustard, tossed salad with honey mustard

Exercise: 1.9 mile walk with a friend at Wilson Park

January 21, 2006

Was up late last night, so I woke up super late today. After that meal at Fuddrucker's last night, I woke up wanting it again. I had it for lunch AND then again for dinner. Seriously, have one more meal there, then my gift card will be gone. No excuse, it's still my decision to eat there, but I won't have an excuse to eat there after it's gone.

Went to Unity Church tonight to their monthly Spiritual Cinema movie. They were showing "The Blue Butterfly" with William Hurt, and I'm really glad I went. I sat with a friend and really enjoyed the movie (true story about a 10 year old boy with a brain tumor and 3 months to live whose only wish is to go to the rainforest with a well-known entomologist to catch a rare blue butterfly - I won't tell you any more in case you plan to go see it).

I'm having a difficult weekend, but keep looking toward the light at the end of this process. It's been almost two months now since my relationship broke up, and I keep thinking something in the third month will give me the reward I've been searching for, especially given the miraculously healthy way I've been dealing with this process, even more so this time around. I normally don't ask people for help, as it's a pride thing, but I'd love to have your thoughts, prayers, reiki, whatever sent to me, as I try to live a healthy life right now, both physically and emotionally.

Tomorrow's my weekly weigh-in and since I didn't do a gym workout Friday or Saturday, AND I've eaten garden patties for three meals this weekend, I'm not especially hopeful that the numbers will be down, but I'm still staying positive.

Food Intake:
- nectarine
- Fuddrucker's: iced tea; garden patty, baked potato with chives, tossed salad, lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, honey mustard
- Planter's Fruit and Nut Mix; bottle of Ozarka water
- Fuddrucker's (yes, again!): iced tea; garden patty, tossed salad, lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, honey mustard

Exercise: None but cleaning, vacuuming and wiping out my car after I washed it at the car wash

January 22, 2006

A friend called today to ask if I wanted to go for a walk in the mall (it's raining and cold here), but I knew that not having been to the gym the last two days AND given the fact that the gym is only open until 6 pm on Sundays, I needed a "real" workout, so I declined and headed to the gym instead. Three of the treadmills were broken, which pisses me off immensely given that there are only 7 total treadmills in the whole gym and EVERYONE wants on the treadmills. These three treadmills have been broken for the last week and I'm sick of it. They keep saying they're going to be fixed, but hell! Come on it's a gym! The worst part is the other treadmills are BARELY workable. Two of them are the ones I refuse to go on because they are far from accurate. For no other reason than this, I wish I still lived in Bentonville. That gym is SO much better. They give you shower/sweat towels, they have cell phone/key compartment holders at the front, there are tons of TVs with headphone plug-in options on the machines, there are tons of machines, that actually work, they have soap in the showers, not to mention curtains on the showers, they have a swimming pool and steam rooms that AREN'T co-ed (how can they have a co-ed steam room IN the ladies' locker room???), and countless other things this Fayetteville gym does NOT have. They are supposed to be upgrading, but somehow I think that just means more room for more members, not necessarily better amenities for current members. Anyway, I've kept all of this pent up and needed to vent it, so I don't go ape-shit on the people behind the counter there.

After my workout, I went to Fuddrucker's for the last time (with my gift card). I knew before I went in that I didn't want to get a garden burger, but was hungrier than a baked potato and salad, so I ordered baked potato, salad and soup. I was glad they had a vegetarian one to choose from. It was all delicious, and I was actually full without adding lettuce, tomatoes and pickles from the topping bar. When I was done, I thought about the 71 cents left on the gift card. Only people who know me well would know that I can NOT keep gift cards. I have to use them up immediately and completely. So, when I went up to the drink bar to switch from Diet Pepsi to iced tea, I leisurely browsed the bakery bar. I asked the girl behind the counter if they have any sugar-free cookies or desserts. She looked at me insanely and said no. I looked longingly at the cookies and considered for a moment getting a coconut macaroon with chocolate drizzled on it. I realized how insane I was thinking and went back to my booth to finish my drink. I heard a family behind me and decided the best, healthiest thing I could do was to offer the 71 cents left on my gift card to their young daughter so she could enjoy a cookie and I could enjoy peace and health. They seemed pleased and I felt ecstatic with my action. It always feels so wonderful, when I choose the path that leads to happiness, instead of the one that leads to instant gratification but long-term suffering.

So I weighed today. I'm pleased to report my weight is now 252.5, a total loss of 14 pounds since January 1st, three weeks of healthy eating and exercise. Thank gosh my body is finally catching up. I need the encouragement.

You know me and quotes. Here are some I'm pondering right now.

"Your life becomes the thing you have decided it shall be."
– Raymond Charles Barker

"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge."
– Tuli Kupferberg

"It is well for the heart to be naive and the mind not to be."
– Anatole France

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
– Albert Einstein

"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."
– Sir Winston Churchill

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
– Helen Keller

"Facing it — always facing it — that's the way to get through. Face it!"
– Joseph Conrad

Food Intake:
- banana, pecans, raisins
- 2 nectarines
- Fuddruckers: 1 glass of Diet Pepsi (I know, I know), baked potato with chives, tossed salad, cup of tomato florentine soup, honey mustard on the baked potato and salad, glass of iced tea
- iced tea
- handful of pecans, walnuts, almonds and raisins
- banana with some raw pie crust dough
- 1 tangelo

Exercise: 2.5 mile walk on the treadmill in 45 minutes (first 2 miles at 3.8 mph, half mile at 3.3 mph), 45 crunches with two 5 pound weight balls on my stomach, 3 sets of 15 reps on arms with two 5 pound weight balls, stretching

Weight: 252.5 pounds

January 23, 2006

Had a good day today. Did some work around the house, then took the dogs to the park.

Went to Denny's for dinner (another gift certificate from Mom) and was pleased to see the "Fit-N-Fare" options. I ordered a boca burger, minus the bread and cheese, lettuce, tomato and pickle, minus the onion, with a side of fruit, plain baked potato instead of french fries, and an added house salad minus the cheese, croutons and red onion, and iced tea. I had honey mustard on everything and the meal was superb. I love to watch the waitress/waiter's expressions when 1.) I order this type of meal, and 2.) when they deliver it to my table. They seem appalled by the order, but then pleasantly surprised to see how yummy it ends up looking. This waitress brought the food to my table and asked, "How's this?" with a pleased look on her face, like she had had a chef create a masterpiece for me. It was wonderful and completely satisfying. I have $5 left in gift cards, so I probably won't use it for another meal, but rather "to-go" iced teas, which I frequently enjoy getting - and I like their tea!

Had a good workout tonight. Another treadmill was broken tonight, which meant there weren't any available machines when I first got there. I took a deep breath and got on the stairmaster. I'm a walker/jogger, not a stairmaster/elliptical machine girl, not yet anyway. I feel like such a weirdo on those machines. I feel like those machines are for the skinny, fit, muscular, athletic chicks, not me. Not yet anyway. But I like to start off with cardio, so I got on the machine. I set it for 20 minutes, figuring someone would be off a treadmill by then. I watched myself in the wall reflection and felt like such a slob, going so slow, compared to the fit-chicks around me. Even the guy next to me, who was also overweight, was going faster than I was. It just doesn't feel natural to me like walking, or even jogging does. I was grateful that the universe understood me, and the machine suddenly cut off after 5 minutes. I looked back and saw one of the good treadmills was now free and I nearly tripped trying to move fast to get to it before someone else did. Those stair machines really seem like the devil to me.

I'm getting more and more comfortable taking my shower after my workout, and not being so overly concerned with my body showing, in the instance that someone walks in to the locker room. I can't wait til the day, when I just walk out of the shower buck naked, walk to the locker, and slowly get dressed, without regard to what someone might think of my body. Hehe, what a daredevil I dream to be.

Great quote today:

"Hope is not a dream, but a way of making dreams become reality."
– Cardinal Leon Joseph Suenens

Food Intake:
- homemade, raw apple-banana fruit leathers (1/2 teflex sheet throughout morning)
- handful pecans
- iced tea
- Denny's: iced tea, boca burger patty with lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, honey mustard, side salad of lettuce, tomatoes and cucumbers with honey mustard and pepper, plain baked potato with honey mustard and pepper, side of grapes
- banana with pecans and raisins
- homemade, raw apple-banana fruit leathers (1/2 teflex sheet throughout evening)
- iced tea

Exercise: .9 mile walk with the pups at Wilson Park; 5 minutes on the stairmaster, 2 mile walk on the treadmill at the gym in 32 minutes, 100 reps of ab crunches with 65 pounds (machine), 100 reps of various ab crunches (on the floor), 3 sets of 15 reps of arm lifts with two 5 pound weights, stretching

January 24, 2006

Had a very productive day at work today. Was able to truly focus and get a lot done. I felt good most of the day. I didn't enjoy my lunch and it might have been because I wasn't really hungry, but went out to pick up a salad anyway.

I took the dogs for a walk after work. My Tuesdays - Thursdays just feel like a blur. I get up early, rush out the door for my 45 minute commute to be to work by 8 am. Work til 4 pm, rush home to let the dogs out, then take them for a walk at the park before dark, run by the post office to check my PO Box, take the dogs home and head out for a quick dinner and a workout, all by 10 pm when I need to rush home to let the dogs out again, check emails, update everyone's journals, including mine and get to bed at a decent hour. It feels so frantic and rushed and just so not like my Friday-Mondays go. I may get a lot done during those three days, but it pisses me off that I don't get any rest or relaxation time. I need to figure out a better way to manage my time during those days. I have such guilt over the pups being all alone during the day, that their walk after work is just crucial, and I don't want them to have to go to bed as soon as I get home from the gym at night. Oh well, I'm rambling now.

I went to Denny's for dinner with the last $5 gift certificate. I got the exact same thing as last night, as it was really really good. The waitress remembered me and said, "same thing?" I said yep, and I heard her telling the chef all the details of what I did want and did not want for my meal. I seem to do that at most restaurants I frequent. Outback knows my salad and veggies, no bread. Station Cafe knows my salad no red onion, no cheese. Ruby Tuesday's knows my large unsweet tea no lemon extra ice (though they've stopped using large cups, so I've stopped going there). Fuddrucker's knew my garden patty with side salad no cheese. Denny's already knows my boca no bread or cheese, salad no croutons no cheese. Can you see a trend here? I love to go out to dinner. And I like the same things over and over. I'm such a predictable person.

I had a difficult night tonight, so I kicked my ass at the gym to try to work through it. I felt really good, and this girl who had been doing her own ass-kicking on the elliptical machine, walked by me after her workout and commented that she couldn't run that fast. I laughed and said I don't do it the whole time. I think the guy next to me running about 8 mph was probably looking at her like she was insane, considering my running at 5.4 mph is pretty much a jog. Oh well, it was nice to hear a compliment, especially given that I was longingly watching her, wishing I had the stamina to do that machine for even a quarter of the time and speed in which she was doing it. Isn't it funny how we all have perceptions of others, and at the same time they have perceptions of us - and most are probably not even close to being accurate of how we're really thinking or feeling.

Food Intake:
- 1 c. mixed dried fruit and raw nuts
- iced tea
- Station Cafe: picked through large salad: lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, black olives, radishes, tomatoes, green bell pepper, cucumbers, honey dijon mustard
- strip of raw fruit leather
- Denny's: iced tea, boca burger patty with lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, honey mustard, side salad of lettuce, tomatoes and cucumbers with honey mustard and pepper, plain baked potato with honey mustard and pepper, side of grapes
- iced tea

Exercise: .9 mile walk with the pups at Wilson Park, 3.10 mile walk on the treadmill at the gym (actually jogged about 1/2 mile of that), 10 minutes in the dry sauna

January 25, 2006

Few snags at work today, but otherwise another very productive day.

Went to my monthly Women in Networking lunch meeting at the Embassy Suites. I was very outgoing today, unusually outgoing and vivacious. Someone recently told me the "old Michelle that we know and love" is coming back. I think they're right. Something interesting about the lunch today - the talk was on heart health and the MD that spoke focused completely on the importance of a mainly "Mediterranean" diet, lots of greens, tiny amounts of meat, primarily fish, lots of veggies, lots of fruit and lots of juice. She basically advocated a high raw diet, it was great! I saw all these women taking notes at my table, and it was wonderful to realize that I was doing so much of what she said and definitely reaping the benefits. I kept my mouth shut to the women at the table though, because I still don't feel my body accurately reflects what the raw food diet can make happen. They don't know where I came from, so I'm afraid they would see a "fat" woman and not understand how incredible raw, healthy vegan eating really is.

After work, took the dogs for another walk, our Tuesday-Thursday ritual now.

Had a snack and planned to go to the gym immediately so I could get to bed early tonight. However, I ended up spending more than an hour talking with a friend about food issues, weight loss, eating disorders, society's training of our own body images, and how the scale numbers affect our relationship to food and our body.

I finally got to the gym around 9 pm, and had another kickass workout, actually my best so far. I decided I wanted to make some short term goals for my workouts, and one was that I want to be able to run a mile without stopping. So tonight, I started "training" myself for it, by walking a tenth of a mile, then running a tenth of a mile, then walking, then running and so on until I had the full 2 miles completed. I didn't break the pattern once, which means I did 2 miles in 26 minutes, a new record for me. When I walked, I went 3.8 mph, and when I ran, I went 5.4 to 6 mph, varying the speed depending on how fast I felt I could go. It was a tremendous rush for me, and I got off the treadmill with a huge sense of accomplishment. I'm going to try to do that as many times during the week as I can, until I can up it to walk a quarter mile, run a quarter mile. I'm NOT going to put pressure on myself to do it every single day, but I will do it when I can (not going to set myself up for failure - past mistakes). On a side note, I was not disgusted when I looked at myself in the mirror after I got off the treadmill, and I was even wearing a tighter shirt tonight than I normally would dare wear. I had a nice dry sauna session afterwards and for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel shameful to sit in the sauna with another person, worrying they would be grossed out to look at me. That may sound shocking to some of you, but to others, I bet you get what I'm saying. I have had such low self esteem about my looks, that I've often looked away from people, looked down, or tried to hide myself so that people didn't have to make eye contact with me and acknowledge my obesity or ugliness. I really want to work through that on an emotional level with a professional one day, but for now, working through it on a physical level will have to do.

When I left the gym tonight, I was on a high and I was dying for some orange juice. I didn't think I was hungry, but when I got to the grocery store, I saw some canned organic fire-roasted vegetable soup that looked heavenly. Suddenly I was starving. I guzzled 1/3 of the 64 oz bottle on the way home, drank another 1/3 while I was cooking the soup, and another 1/4 of it while I ate the soup. I have a bit left, but man I was craving some juice!!! The soup was really good, even though I would have liked to avoid eating this late. Oh well, at least I chose healthy!

Look at this super quote! For me it's reminding me that even though I want those 33 pounds to disappear immediately, going to the gym and choosing to eat healthy one day at a time, IS making something happen, which will eventually make EVERYTHING happen.

"We cannot do everything at once but we can do something at once."
– Calvin Coolidge

Food Intake:
- Chick-fil-A iced tea
- Embassy Suites: almost finished a plate of mixed greens and romaine salad with black olives, tomatoes, cucumbers with honey mustard dressing, almost finished a plate of steamed mixed veggies with mashed potatoes, several glasses of iced tea
- bowl of 1 banana with 1 c. pecans and raisins
- glass of iced tea
- about 52 oz of commercial orange juice, not from concentrate
- bowl of organic fire-roasted southwestern vegetable soup

Exercise: .9 mile walk with the pups at Wilson Park, 2 mile walk/run on the treadmill at the gym in 26 minutes, 10 minutes in the dry sauna

January 26, 2006

Quick rundown of the day (it's 3:00 in the morning and I've got to get to bed)...

Good day at work, ate Thai for lunch and felt a tinge of guilt, since it was stir-fry, not steamed veggies. It was damn good though and I passed on the steamed rice with the main course and the sticky rice (sweet, delicious treat) with my mango.

Took the pups for a walk after work, even though it was super cloudy out and cold. Ran into a friend at the park, and we discussed going to dinner. She said she wanted Mexican and I paused, showing that I wasn't eating like that now. She asked if I was eating "clean" now, and I said yea, pretty much, though I had stir-fry veggies for lunch. My idea of "clean" eating and her idea of "clean" eating are different. Clean to me means no bread, no eggs, no cheese, no pasta, no rice, no milk. As long as it's veggies, fruit or nuts, I'm in. I don't do the battered and fried stuff, but Thai, I consider to be quite healthy and "clean." Anyway, needless to say, I passed on dinner.

Went to Outback Steakhouse instead, for my "usual," but chose a sweet potato instead of a baked potato. I didn't finish it, as it was more of a healthy decision than a craving one. But I felt better knowing I was at least eating a healthy starch.

After dinner, I went to Wal-Mart and spent too much money on beauty products and other "please-buy-me-even-though-you-can't-afford-me-because-I'll-make-you-think-your-teeth-are-whiter-your-skin-is-smoother-your-pores-are-smaller-your-breath-is-fresher-your-calouses-are-softer-your-hair-is-shinier-your-moods-are-better-your-feet-smell-sweeter" items. What IS it about Wal-Mart that makes us spend money we don't have???? I swear the lights have radiation or some shit in them, and we're becoming a bunch of over-spending drones.

Had a really good workout, but ironically, I didn't even jog once. Walked really really fast though and got back on the treadmill for another mile at an incline. I even turned around and checked out my butt in the mirror and DIDN'T fall off the treadmill! (Actually, some guy walking in front of me checked out my butt in the mirror and I panicked and had to see what he saw.)

Watched a previously recorded Biggest Loser Special Family Edition late tonight and was reminded why I love that show. No matter if I agree with the nutrition advice the participants get, I love to see them working out, feeling good about themselves, and that wonderful moment when they hear their weight loss. It was especially heartening to see Emily, the teen who is teased at school for her obesity, lose some crazy amount of weight in only 10 days. Good for her!

Ok, night all...

Food Intake:
- Chick-fil-A iced tea
- some dried fruit, walnuts, banana
- Thai Kitchen: stir-fry veggies with cashews/peanuts, salad with house dressing, fresh mango, iced tea
- iced tea
- 12 oz commercial, not from concentrate orange juice
- 1/2 c. pecans
- taste test of some raw pecan/almond/honey cookie-like thing I made and some of the raw chocolate candy
- Outback Steakhouse: iced tea, salad with tomatoes and cucumbers, pepper and honey mustard dressing, steamed veggies with honey mustard dressing, 1/2 sweet potato
- iced tea

Exercise: .9 mile walk with the pups at Wilson Park, 2 mile walk on the treadmill at the gym going 4.0 mph, 1.10 mile walk on the treadmill at an incline of 2 going 3.5 mph, 100 crunches in various positions, stretching, 10 minutes in the dry sauna

January 27, 2006

Took the pups for a walk today, but other than that, had a relatively quiet, uneventful day.

I had planned to work out this evening. In fact, I had my bag packed and my workout clothes on when the phone rang and a friend invited me to dinner and a movie.

We went to East Buffet, which is a place I pass every day and is always packed, but I've never tried. It was pretty good, and had a bar that was similar to Mongolian BBQ in Austin, a place I used to go a lot when I lived there. I didn't have any sauce put on, but then I didn't enjoy it quite as much as the green beans and mushrooms on the regular buffet. I was able to pass some of my old favorites, stuffed mushrooms, fried cheese sticks, pizza (on an Indian buffet?!), coconut macaroons, ice cream cones and rice pudding. One of the nastiest things I've seen, and actually one of the saddest, was the baby octopus on the buffet. They were literally tiny little octopus (is it octupi if it's plural?), and I wanted to cry - and vomit, both at the same time. I can not fathom that people can eat that. Something new I tried tonight was longans, on the fruit bar. I actually ate it and THEN asked what it was. I got some of a smaller fruit too, and figured one of the two was lychee, but I wasn't exactly sure which. The waiter, who spoke minimal English, had to go ask someone for the American name for the Chinese fruit. The longans were stuffed with pineapple, and had a very strange texture, sort of oyster like (I would imagine, as I haven't actually ever eaten an oyster). Anyway, it didn't have a strong taste, but I liked it, especially with the pineapple. Another first for my Highlights page.

Anyway, I ate quite a bit of the green beans and mushrooms, and fruit, but not too much of everything else. I still felt stuffed afterwards. Oh and I chose iced water instead of iced tea with my dinner, as I've grown aware of the increased level of iced tea I'm drinking. It's my one "vice," but I don't want to get too out of control for too long with it. I'll try to drink it when I make it at home (decaf) and when I'm at my favorite tea places.

We went to see Brokeback Mountain after dinner. Oh wow, not much I can say, other than you'd be a fool not to go see this movie. Really really wonderful. I'm so grateful to have not been alone when seeing this movie, though. It's a tear-jerker, completely deserving of the Golden Globe awards it won.

Thought I'd share this smoothie idea from an emailer:
"blend together 2 bananas, handful of frozen strawberries, dried dates and water. Sometimes I add mango or kiwi or carob powder or whatever. If you add more water it is like a drink, if less - it is something pudding like."

Interesting discussion that someone emailed me. Thought others might like to read it, too.
http://www.vegsource.com/talk/raw/messages/12065.html

Food Intake:
- banana with 1/2 c. pecans
- glass of iced tea
- piece of raw chocolate cookie/candy
- bowl of organic vegetarian chili with organic diced tomatoes, red onion and added Morningstar "chicken" strips
- piece of raw chocolate cookie/candy
- East Buffet: ice water (instead of tea!), some Mongolian-style grilled veggies (no sauce), lots of stir-fry green beans and marinated mushrooms, bite of a pickle off the salad bar, plate of pears, pineapple, lychee, longans, mandarin oranges
- Arsaga's: 2 small cups of coffee with soy milk and honey
- piece of raw chocolate cookie/candy

Exercise: .9 mile walk with the pups at Wilson Park

January 28, 2006

Rained all day today. Dogs didn't get to go for a walk. I worked out at the gym, but had little to no energy. I barely was able to walk at 3.4 mph. Not sure why, but I just decided that I'd walk slower, but walk 3 miles at an incline. I was so exhausted, possibly depressed. Anyway, I did the best I could. I ran a few errands and decided I was hungry, really hungry. I wanted a lot of food, and not to be limited by a menu. I decided on Golden Corral, and now I know I'm not ready to go free reign to a buffet place like that. I was angry watching the literally hundreds of people overindulging in fried, fatty, southern-cooked foods and desserts, breads, and such. I wanted to pig out like they were. I wanted to eat rolls and fried stuff and carrot cake. Mostly I wanted the cheese pizza and mashed potatoes I saw on one of the buffets. Without too much thought, I did get one piece of cheese pizza and some mashed potatoes (which were very creamy, so I'm sure full of milk or cream). I feel horribly about my decision, but have to acknowledge I did it. I can not go to Golden Corral right now by myself. Period. I will not beat myself up any longer than I already have this evening. I will let it go and focus on the positive actions I have taken and will continue to take. (It's possible that I was self-sabotaging since tomorrow is my weigh day.)

Oh and I was able to drink one glass of decaf iced tea and one glass of caf iced tea all day/evening. That was a huge accomplishment for me.

Food Intake:
- 2 strips of homemade, raw fruit leather (apples, bananas, tangelos)
- bowl of organic vegetarian chili (see yesterday's food intake)
- glass of iced tea
- 2 pieces of raw cookie/chocolate candy
- 20 oz Aquafina bottled water
- few pecans
- Golden Corral: corn, carrots, mashed potatoes, steamed veggies, marinated mushrooms, caesar salad with black olives, raisins, sunflower seeds, a piece of cheese pizza, iced water
- 2 pieces of raw cookie/chocolate candy
- 1 piece of raw cookie/chocolate candy with 1 banana and some more pecans
- Chick-fil-A iced tea

Exercise: 3 mile walk on the treadmill in 47 minutes at an incline of 1 going 3.4 mph, stretching, 10 minutes in the dry sauna

January 29, 2006

Weighed this morning. It's strange, because I weigh sometimes at the gym in the evenings, fully clothed with heavy tennis shoes after I've eaten all day long and I've weighed 250 the last several days. Yet this morning, at home, with no clothes and no shoes on, before I've eaten and after I've gone to the bathroom, I weighed 251. I really hate how radically different scales can be. I'm listing my weight at 251, but I truly believe I'm weighing under 250 now. Oh well, hopefully next week the scale will reward me with a lower number. I need to take my 1 month pictures on Tuesday. I might take them tomorrow instead, since I'm off of work and can take them during the day.

Met a friend for breakfast this morning at Atlanta Bread Company. I wanted the egg and cheese croissant that she had, but ordered a yummy, though slightly less satisfying fruit smoothie instead.

I took the dogs for a walk at Wilson Park, then ran by Wendy's to pick up a quick bite to eat before I was to pick up another friend for an afternoon at the lake. We bought tickets to the Belle of the Ozarks Eagle Watch guided boat tour on Beaver Lake. We were out on the boat for two hours and saw about a dozen bald eagles. It was a lot of fun and I was glad I made the reservations. It's one of those things people say they'd love to do, but never end up doing it.

After the boat thing, we met up with another of her friends at Racha Thai for dinner. It was delicious and I avoided the steamed rice and deep-fried tofu. I ate with chopsticks only at the urging of my friend. I've never been good at using chopsticks, but like she said, the best way to learn is to have no utensils to eat with, OTHER than chopsticks. It worked, and I ate just fine with them. Neat.

I'm exhausted from this very busy, very eventful, very people-oriented day. Going to try to go to bed early tonight. (Oh also probably tired, cause I only had one glass of caffeinated iced tea today - good for me!)

Food Intake:
- Atlanta Bread Company: pineapple-banana-mango smoothie, iced tea
- Wendy's: baked potato with chives and butter (oopsie), side salad with low-fat honey mustard dressing, pepper, water
- small packet of dry roasted almonds
- shared a packet of roasted sunflower seeds and a few swigs of water
- Racha Thai: 3 halves of fresh salad rolls with peanut sauce, plate of stir-fry mixed veggies in bean sauce with added cashews, 2 pieces of steamed tofu - didn't eat the rest out of my plate of veggies, about 7 glasses of water (wow, I'm doing well with the water intake!)
- large piece of raw cookie/chocolate candy with 1 banana and almonds, several pieces of raw fruit leather
- glass of decaf iced tea

Exercise: .9 mile walk with the pups at Wilson Park

Weight: 251 pounds

January 30, 2006

Woke up this morning with a very strange thing happening with my eyes. I don't know how to describe it, but at the edges of my eyeballs, especially at the far, lower parts, there was this quivering, twitching thing - like like a physical twitch, but like my vision was "fluttering." It was strange. I wore my contacts all day yesterday, so maybe it was because of that, since I usually wear glasses. I don't know. But it was weird. I went back to bed for a few hours and then it finally went away. Freaked me out though.

I was very depressed today, and finally got out of bed and took the dogs for a walk. That wasn't enough, so I went to the gym for a workout. I'm so tired and could barely keep up when I'd have the treadmill going 3.7 mph. The energy I had last week to two weeks ago has disappeared. I think I'm hitting another level in my grief process, as well as another level on my health journey.

I didn't end up taking pictures today, so I'm going to try to get them done tomorrow after work, if I have enough light. I might even try to take them at work, if I have a chance over lunch.

Went to Racha Thai for dinner again tonight. Was craving it again after last night. Spent the rest of the evening at home working on my jewelry and watching movies.

Food Intake:
- 1/2 glass decaf iced tea
- few pieces of raw fruit leather
- banana with 2/3 c. raw almonds
- 1/2 glass decaf iced tea
- orange
- handful pecans
- can of sliced peaches in fruit juice
- small piece of raw cookie/chocolate candy
- Racha Thai: 3 fresh salad rolls with peanut sauce, and some extra peanut sauce, plate of stir-fry mixed veggies in bean sauce with added cashews, no tofu, no steamed rice, iced tea
- water
- some pecans and a medium piece of raw cookie/chocolate candy

Exercise: .9 mile walk with the pups at Wilson Park, 3.1 mile walk on the treadmill at the gym at .5 incline in 53 minutes at 3.5-3.7 mph, 100 ab crunches in various positions, 10 minutes in the dry sauna

January 31, 2006

Massively cooked day today. I didn't eat horribly, but certainly not ideal. I am having cooked cravings right now. Could I be PMSing? I started on the 11th of January, so I'd be early if I AM PMSing. I just like to blame my cravings on my period.

Had a rough day and went with a friend to lunch. My rough day continued after work, so I took the dogs to the park for a walk. Still nothing - I finally resigned myself to needing a good 12-step meeting, so I hauled butt up north to make one by 7:00 pm. On the way, I went through the Wendy's drive thru and picked up a baked potato. I knew one baked potato would not be enough, but I figured I'd get something after the meeting. The meeting went really well - actually the meeting itself sucked, but what I was able to say and actually HEAR myself say helped immensely. I hate that I didn't get to exercise at the gym tonight, but did the best I could with the time I had.

I didn't get pictures taken today, and doubt I'll be able to get any done tomorrow or even Thursday as my work schedule is very crazy. I'm going to try to do it tomorrow morning, but I'm doubtful. Definitely Friday, since I'm off.

Food Intake:
- nothing until 12:30 pm
- Thai Kitchen: 2 fresh salad rolls with peanut sauce, plate of stir-fry mixed veggies with no tofu and added cashews, small plate of fresh mango (no sticky rice), iced tea, refill of iced tea
- Wendy's: baked potato with 1 pad of butter, large iced tea
- Wendy's: spring mix salad with a bit of Honey Mustard, then looked at fat, so changed to Caesar; another baked potato with chives, pepper, and a pat of butter; medium diet coke, 1/2 medium iced tea

Exercise: .9 mile walk with the pups at Wilson Park

February 1, 2006

I started my pattern again today. I went to the same place for lunch and dinner. When I get into something I go gung-ho with it until I find something else. Subway was it today. I had them add a cut up veggie patty to a garden salad and had the Chipotle Southwestern Sauce to make it like a taco salad. I had weaned off that more fattening dressing last year, but guess I craved it again today. I'll probably work my way through that phase as well.

No pictures yet. Got home too late. Tomorrow night will be the same deal. It will be Friday before I can get new pics uploaded. I hate that I didn't get to go to the gym tonight. Same tomorrow night, I'm sure. The walks with the pups just don't do it. Suki, my Chihuahua, is stopping to pee every five seconds lately. Makes our walks quite slow and rather pointless in the exercise arena.

Great quote that I can REALLY use in my grief work right now.

"He who cannot change the very fabric of his thought will never be able to change reality."
- Anwar al-Sadat

Food Intake:
- Chick-fil-A iced tea
- handful raw almonds, several raw fruit leathers
- Subway: salad with a veggie patty (spinach, iceberg, tomatoes, black olives, pickles, green bell pepper, Chipotle Southwestern Sauce), medium diet coke, medium iced tea
- Subway: salad with a veggie patty (spinach, iceberg, tomatoes, carrots, black olives, pickles, green bell pepper, Chipotle Southwestern Sauce), water
- handful raw pecans
- large glass of commercial, not from concentrate orange juice

Exercise: long walk with the pups around the neighborhood (will drive it tomorrow and figure out how far we went)

February 2, 2006

Moods were up and down today. Bright and early this morning I was in a great mood. Then the first part of the workday I was in a horrible mood (job-related issues). My mood was better the last half of the workday as I threw myself in to my tasks and managed to get quite a lot done. Mood was fine in a board meeting after work. Mood was super when I was on my way home to start my long weekend. Mood went south when I put all the puzzle pieces together surrounding Suki's (my Chihuahua) constant peeing on our walks and her endless getting up in the middle of the night, not to mention the few accidents she's had lately. She's got a bladder infection. Dammit. I feel like a shit-head mother. When I went back to work after vacation and moving to Fayetteville (mid January), the dogs had to stay in their crate from 7:15 am until 4:45 pm, while I was in Bentonville (45 minute drive) working. I think her having to hold it so long caused some cystitis or other bladder infection. Anyway, long story longer, I have some things to figure out in regard to this new living/working situation. It's not working for me, and obviously not for my pets. I'll be looking at some life changes in order to suit both my babies and myself.

Had Subway again for lunch today. Not having worked out the last few days, I'm feeling a bit chunkier than normal, actually I should just say chunky....cause I had been feeling quite fit til a few days ago. I'm going to the gym tomorrow for sure, after I take care of Suki and have lunch at Schlotzsky's (won a free lunch with their business card bowl)...Will take pictures tomorrow too.

Have I mentioned how glad I am this work-week is over? I'm soooo ready for some ME time. It's going to be a good weekend, I can feel it.

Food Intake:
- Chick-fil-A iced tea
- snacked on roasted/salted sunflower seeds and raisins throughout the morning
- Subway: salad with a veggie patty (spinach, iceberg, tomatoes, black olives, pickles, carrots, green bell pepper, Chipotle Southwestern Sauce), small iced tea
- 16 oz bottled water (at the board meeting)
- snacked on a banana and roasted/salted sunflower seeds on my way home from the meeting tonight
- bowl of canned low-fat organic vegan minestrone soup with added frozen corn and green beans, rest of iced tea from lunch/breakfast
- milkshake: soy milk with frozen bananas and some of the raw cookie/chocolate candy treat
- 2 spoonfuls of roasted/salted sunflower seeds and dried fruit

Exercise: long walk with the pups around the neighborhood (forgot to drive it today, will drive it tomorrow and figure out how far we went)

February 3, 2006

Today was spent focusing on Suki. I got her into the vet and she does indeed have a urinary tract infection. I'm glad I took her in and she's on her way to recovering. Sometimes I can be so blinded by my own pain, that I don't even notice the very important things in my life - the things that need me. That really upset me today and hopefully I'll get my shit together and start living again.

I had a free lunch coming from Schlotzsky's, so I went by after the vet and picked up soup and salad. The tomato bisque is definitely a cream-based soup, but it was really yummy and I did enjoy it immensely. I got the caesar salad because it's served with romaine lettuce instead of iceberg, but got a honey dijon dressing instead of the caesar. The salad did have some kind of a romano or parmesan cheese on it and I didn't even attempt to pick it off.

I went to the gym late this afternoon/early evening and had a really good workout. I pushed myself on the treadmill, upping the incline to 5 when I got to 2.5 miles, but I guess a combination of my weight, the speed, the incline and the age of the machines, caused the treadmill to overheat and basically break. I had to let the manager know and then move to another treadmill to finish the 4 miles I'd committed myself to. Afterwards, I felt great and went to the open room to work on abdominals. I saw some girls doing crunches on the exercise ball, so I decided to do the same. Shit, it was hard! I figured it would be easier than standard crunches. Not at all. I was only able to do 40 crunches, whereas I normally would do 100. I then did some arm pulls on a weight machine, but couldn't figure out how to move the weight pin, so I ended up doing 2 sets of 10 reps at a weight much much higher than I really should have. My back on the left side is absolutely killing me tonight. I definitely strained something. I had a great dry sauna session ending my workout and drank a ton of water. I felt super and had a relaxing shower before I left. (Missing a workout the last several nights didn't do any damage to the way my body is transforming. I looked at myself in the mirror and was very pleased to see my legs and butt slimming even more so. Oh, one interesting thing that happened tonight at the gym. I was on the treadmill and kept looking in the mirror to the left of me. I kept thinking that I looked really huge and disgusting, and was so upset that I felt I looked worse than my beginning of January pictures. Then at one point I was walking nearer to the back of the treadmill and happened to look over again. Suddenly, I looked slimmer and better than the fives minutes prior. I was confused, until I finally figured out that there was a line where two mirrors connected and what I was seeing was half of my body in one and half in the other, but a separation where the line was, so I looked wider than I actually was...kind of like a funhouse mirror. Wasn't fun when it was happening, but once I realized what I was really seeing, I was thrilled with the actual reflection. It made me realize how skewed thinking or visualization can make me think negative thoughts about myself.)

I wanted to get some fresh salad rolls and peanut sauce from Racha Thai, but had committed to eating at home, since I bought a bunch of healthy soups at the grocery store the other night. I ran by Harp's Grocery to pick up a few produce items and another box of vegetarian chili mix to have in case I wanted something even more substantial than soup this weekend.

Something I haven't written about in a while is my current supplement/vitamin/medicine intake. Just in case people wonder what I'm currently taking - here it is.

1 One-a-Day Women's Multi-Vitamin
1 Maca capsule
3-4 MSM capsules
1 1000mcg B-12 tablet
2 St. John's Wort capsules
1 40mg Celexa tablet

Aside from Suki's sickness, I had a really good day today - taking care of myself, focusing on things *I* wanted to do for myself and spending quality time alone. My goal for this weekend is to stop trying to fill my time with other people and to just go with the flow, doing what I want/need to do for myself, and only spending time with others when the Universe puts them in my path. And so, this quote summarizes what I'm focusing on today.

"Choices are the hinges of destiny."
- Pythagoras

PS No pictures today. Too involved in my baby's recovery to think about photos. Tomorrow.

Food Intake:
- roasted/salted sunflower seeds and dried fruit, 3/4 banana
- glass of iced tea
- Schlotzsky's: bowl of tomato bisque soup, bowl of caesar salad, but not with caesar dressing - honey dijon instead, glass of iced tea
- 30 oz water (at the gym)
- swig of commercial, not from concentrate orange juice
- 1 piece of raw cookie/chocolate candy with roasted/salted sunflower seeds and dried fruit
- 1/2 glass of iced tea
- navel orange, handful raw pecans
- can of organic fire roasted southwestern vegetable soup, can of organic vegetable soup
- 1/2 glass of iced tea
- 3 pieces of raw cookie/chocolate candy

Exercise: 4 mile walk on the treadmill at the gym (2.5 miles at an incline of 2 and it took 38 minutes; 1.5 miles at an incline of 3-4 and it took 24 minutes); 40 crunches on exercise ball; 20 reps on arm pulls weight machine; 10 minutes in the dry sauna

February 4, 2006

I did exactly what I said I was going to do. I didn't call anyone for company yesterday or today. And the Universe took care of things for me. I was doing my own thing, and suddenly I received a call early this afternoon from a friend wanting to go to lunch. We went to Thep Thai, a restaurant I hadn't been to before. I like Racha better, but that didn't stop my overeating tendencies from kicking in. I ended up ordering another order of fresh salad rolls, even after the first order AND an entree. I rarely fill sick or full after normal Thai eating, but today I was hurting. I guess I was emotional eating, though I felt really content all morning, so I'm not exactly sure why I overate. After lunch, we went for a walk at the park to move our full bodies.

Later I had a great workout by myself. I had decided that it was most important to stop focusing so much on walking for a certain period of time (like 45 minutes or 1 hour) or for a certain distance (3 or 4 miles). I had decided it would be best to focus on working hard, with more intensity for a shorter period of time. No luck. I STILL can not get my heart rate above 73, even at an incline of 6 AND going 3.8-4.0 mph. I've heard of other people who are able to get their heart rate up, and I KNOW they aren't walking as fast (or even jogging, which I do several times throughout my walks on the treadmill) or at the incline I was going today. I'm sweating and breathing heavy and yet, still my body responds like I'm a corpse on a couch eating a bag of potato chips. It's so irritating.

While I was working out, I got a call from two other friends asking me to go out to dinner. I figured, "Ok, this is the Universe telling me it's ok to spend time with other people." So I had a quick shower and ran home to get ready. Met them at Outback and had a really nice dinner. We talked about healthy eating, food choices, nutritional facts and such, as they are working to change their health and recently diagnosed illnesses through diet. Sometimes I feel so badly for people who are coming from a Standard American Diet (SAD) and trying to make the transition to a less processed, less preserved, less crap cooked diet. I mean they are bombarded with facts, advice, opinions and myths from dozens of different people - western medical doctors, nutrionists, naturopaths, health food co-ops, countless internet websites, newspaper articles, endless television shows, and then of course, people like me, just doing what we're doing, not being extremists, but trying to be more aware of what we put into our bodies. It's enough to make these people just throw up their hands and say, "Pass me a bag of doritos, please. This isn't worth it." I just kept telling them this - It's all about healthier choices, taking baby steps. Do one thing today that is a better choice than you made yesterday. If you ate white bread yesterday, eat whole wheat today, then switch to nine-grain all natural next week. If you drank cow's milk yesterday, drink goat's milk today and maybe even soy milk next week. If you ate orange cheese (American, Cheddar) yesterday, eat white cheese (Mozzarella, Provolone) today, and then maybe soy cheese next week or even next month. This is what *I* believe people "should" (hate that word) do in order to acclimate to the changes, and not feel deprived or overwhelmved. I also said to not try to think of everything as something that's supposed to taste like the "original." Wasa or Kashi crackers are light years better than Ritz or Club crackers, but they WILL taste different. Don't try to see them as the cracker you're used to - just see them as different, a new experience.

Another discussion we had was the high fat content of nuts. One of my friends kept saying she was reviewing the fat content of the various nuts and isn't that bad, to eat something with that much fat? I was quick to point out that while raw nuts do have fat, they have the healthy fat that our bodies can use and need, just like avocados do. I went on to say that given their typical diet of doritos and ice cream, this type of fat is not going to impact them nearly the way those types of saturated fats did. This is the point in my blog where I address the irony most SAD people portray. They never had a fear of fat or disease when eating crap, but suddenly now that they are changing to a healthier lifestyle, all of the "bad" stuff becomes crucial. I almost always laugh inside when this discussion comes up with people...but REALLY there must be something to this, if so many people go through it. I just can not be that dogmatic about this. I mean how can anyone question the visual impact of healthy eating? I lost 80 pounds on a high raw/healthy vegan cooked diet. I didn't weigh my nuts, I didn't count calories, I didn't read fat grams or worry about too many starches or whatnot. I just ate what I felt was healthier, gut-level choices. I think we all have this instinctive nature about us whether we want to face it or not. We all know when we order a salad, if we get a rich creamy sauce, it's probably dairy based; if we get cheese and croutons and bacon bits, it's diminishing the benefits of the salad as a whole. If we order a baked potato, EVEN though a white potato isn't as healthy as a sweet potato, it's still light years better to eat one with chives only than one with sour cream, butter, cheese and bacon. It's a level of common sense that so many people want to pretend they don't have. Yikes, step down from the soap box, Michelle. Oh the only other thing I'll say is, so many people say soy isn't great either, that people should stay away from soy milk and cheese etc. Yes, ideally (IDEALLY!) we would not eat anything that doesn't come straight out of the ground and right into our mouths. But for most Americans, and for almost ALL of the people I know here in Northwest Arkansas, this is about taking the next step to a healthier choice. I don't know many people who would disagree with me that a cup of soy milk on your cereal is better than a cup of cow's milk. Come on people, let's do the best we can and stop expecting perfection from a society that has been trained to eat the shit that stores and commercialism sell us.

Back to your regularly scheduled blog --- During dinner, the friend I met for lunch called and we decided to go have tea at Arsaga's. We had a nice time and the cashier suggested a new type of tea for me to try. It was a Republic of Tea black tea called Lapsang Souchong, which I now will refer to as a Cup of Campfire. It was really good, but really bizarre. It literally tasted like I was drinking a bonfire at one of lesbian music festivals I camped at years ago. So strange the flavors companies come up with. After tea, she came back to my house. The new house she just bought is having some wall stripping done, so the strong odors are too much for her to take, so she stayed the night with me. We watched the movie "Set It Off" and fell asleep around 11:30 pm.

Great day, so proud of the progress I'm making. (Picture day tomorrow, I PROMISE!!! Was barely home for an hour today.)

Food Intake:
- 2 navel oranges, banana
- glass of iced tea
- Thep Thai: 2 orders of fresh salad rolls with peanut sauce, plate of stir-fry mixed veggies with cashews and a few bites of tofu, lots of water
- 2 pieces of raw cookie/chocolate candy, piece of raw fruit leather
- Outback Steakhouse: salad with tomatoes and cucumbers with honey mustard, side of steamed veggies, iced tea
- Arsaga's Coffee Shop: pot of Lapsang Souchong Black Tea with soy milk and honey
- glass of iced tea

Exercise: .9 mile walk with the pups and a friend at Wilson Park, 1.5 mile walk on the treadmill at the gym at an incline of 6 at 3.8 mph, 10 minutes in the dry sauna

February 5, 2006

I went to church (gay church, for those wondering) this morning, sitting with the friend who had invited me. Came home afterwards and made some hot lunch. It's really cold here and looks like snow tomorrow.

Finally got my monthly raw pictures taken and uploaded. I can definitely see a difference in my skin from last month, as well as my double chin. I also weighed this morning. 250 pounds. 16.5 pounds weight loss. I started my period today, so that explains the abundance of cooked food I've been eating (as well as the lack of weight loss) though I'm really making quite healthy choices considering I was obviously PMSing the last week. I didn't end up going to the gym today or the park, it's just too cold for me and overcast. Blah day outside.

Stayed home all day today (after church) and really enjoyed my time by myself. I added books to the raw books list, lots of links to the raw links list, recorded a bunch of DVDs, and snacked all day long. I did some laundry, made a fire in the fireplace, snuggled with the dogs, organized some paperwork and computer files, and wrote a letter, that I don't intend to send (grief work).

This evening I had a massive attack of cooked-crap cravings. I wanted pizza or a veggie burger and fries. I wanted ice cream, nachos. I ALMOST got in the car and went to get one of those things. I'm glad it was cold outside - that kept me indoors and I ate what I had here. I had vegetarian chili out of the box (Fantastic Foods brand) and tonight had a milkshake made out of frozen bananas, soy milk, mesquite powder powder, and almond extract. I was glad I didn't give in to those crappy cravings, especially since I didn't work out today, and already feel a bit ick.

Food Intake:
- small piece of raw cookie/chocolate candy
- small bowl organic vegan potato leek soup, 2 small bowls vegetarian chili with diced organic tomatoes, yellow onion, frozen corn, glass of iced tea
- handful raw pecans
- large glass of commercial, not from concentrate orange juice
- large bowl vegetarian chili
- glass of iced tea
- bowl of in-shell raw almonds
- milkshake: frozen bananas, soy milk, mesquite powder powder, almond extract
- 2 navel oranges

Exercise: Nothing

Weight: 250 pounds

February 6, 2006

Woke up feeling fine and ready to get going on my last day of the weekend before work. Then suddenly I got super depressed, first time since Thursday. I freaked out a bit and took off for a walk with the dogs. Ended up going for a hike instead and that definitely helped, got my adrenaline up and being out in the woods in nature really cleared my head.

Took myself out to dinner at Racha Thai. I must stop going there. It is way too expensive for me to be eating there except for special occasions (actually a friend wants to go there Friday, but other than that, I need to stop!). I can get a full salad with a veggie patty at Subway for 1/4 of what I pay for dinner at Racha. (Oh the owner talks to me every single time about my diet and tonight she asked to see my before picture. I actually have my before and current picture in my day planner, so I pulled it out. On the spot, she "committed" to stopping the crap cooked foods. She talked to me throughout my meal, even though I was on the cell phone the whole time AND I was trying to eat. She was very enthusiastic about it, but obviously hesitant to "give up" the bad stuff. She said she would start tomorrow, giving up the dairy, bread, pasta and rice, well, "other than a small bowl of rice each day for energy." She asked if "that is ok?" I laughed and said she can do whatever she wants - the less crap she eats, the faster she will see results. She was so sweet and said she wants to be and look like me. I laughed again, as I noticed a couple of frat boys checking me out, and probably wondering what the hell it was she wanted to look like?)

After dinner, I was too stuffed to go right to the gym, so I ran by Wal-Mart to pick up some things and by Chick-fil-A for an iced tea. Then I went to the gym. I wasn't really wanting to work out, as I feel like I'm bleeding like a stuck pig right now and knew I'd have to wear a tampon AND a pad to walk, but I went anyway. Was so glad I did. I had a great workout! I used some 3 pound weights from the aerobic room to walk with and my arms were absolutely throbbing when I was done, woohoo!!! I walked between 3.5 and 3.8 for 45 minutes and the time just flew by. I didn't dare do any crunches, as I knew I'd be bleeding all over myself (sorry for the graphics, but it's the truth!) and be so self-conscious and not get much done anyway. I sat in the dry sauna and then had a wonderful refreshing shower. It's like a complete cycle going to the gym. Work my body, sweat in the sauna opening my pores, cleanse everything off, including the day, and walk out feeling like a recharged woman.

That's it for tonight, other than to say I had some killer cravings tonight for pizza or mexican food. My damn period is like my own little devil wishing to carry out evil crap-cooked activities.

PS Suki is doing much better, thank you to everyone for sending such sweet emails about her.

Food Intake:
- banana with almonds, pecans and raisins
- bowl of organic vegan potato leek soup
- glass of iced tea
- Racha Thai: 3 fresh salad rolls with peanut sauce, and some extra peanut sauce, plate of stir-fry mixed veggies in bean sauce with added cashews, no tofu, no steamed rice, iced tea
- Chick-fil-A iced tea
- handful raw pecans
- 2 navel oranges

Exercise: 30 minute hike with the pups down and up the "mountain" in the woods of Mount Sequoyah; 2.64 miles on the treadmill with 3 pound armweights in 45 minutes, 10 minutes in the dry sauna

February 9, 2006

Oh I'm so frustrated. My computer crashed two days ago. I managed to pull SOME of my files off of it, but not nearly enough! Updates will be sporadic at best, until I can get this computer in to a local computer company to try to save some of my files and then sent off to Dell to have them try to fix or replace it. I hate computers. This is the third one I've "gone through" and feel like I'm cursed. Or maybe I just work the poor things too dang hard! Mostly I'm frustrated because out of everyone I know, I take care of my computers incredibly. I do the spam stuff, the virus stuff, the adaware, the defrag, scan disk, disk cleanup, empty recycle bins, clean out my emails, blah blah blah. Argh!!!!

Anyway, enough with that. Update will not include food, as I have not been able to keep my log updated, obviously I normally do this on the computer. I ate well Tuesday and Wednesday, however Wednesday night (last night), I got so frustrated and upset about the computer issues, that I left the house in an attempt to soothe myself with food. I considered mexican, pizza, veggie burgers, etc. but finally decided upon Atlanta Bread Company. I did great except for the banana nut muffin I ate after my soup/salad. Then on the way home I got 2 tortillas at the Taco Bell drive thru. When the guy inquisitively said, "What are you going to do with these?" as he handed them to me, I lied, and said, "I have tacos at home and I'm out of tortillas, and want to make double decker tacos." I didn't want to admit I was having a carb crazed craving and needed some flour in that moment. What a fool he would have thought I was. Actually he probably thought I was a fool anyway. Oh well.

Other than that, folks, I'm just so preoccupied with how much my computer is a part of my life and how great this loss feels to me, that I have nothing else to report. My cell phone also took a nose dive last week and only about half the buttons work. I think I cried too much on it one day and the insides got wet, seriously! Guess the point of all of this is that I'm dedicating too much time to artificial communication, huh?

Take care and I will update everyone's journals as I can get access to other computers while mine is out of service.

PS Journalers, please look at the updates on the website as of right now. If your update is not there, that means I do not currently have access to those emails (downloaded prior to the computer failing). If you can, please resend me your entry. Readers, if you sent me an email that I have NOT responded to, or subscribed to the mailing list and have NOT received a subscription notice, please resend. I'm so sorry to have lost those precious emails.

February 12, 2006

Not to be dramatic, but life has gone from bad to worse. I know everything happens for a reason. Can't wait to realize the reason. Not eating great. Exercising sporadically. Trying to process and figure out what the next chapter of my life is going to look like, and what part I'm going to play as the co-author (the Universe/my Higher Power being the main author).

February 23, 2006

Still here. Got my computer back on Monday with a new hard drive installed. Spent the rest of the week reinstalling Windows, software, and then fighting to get back online. Finally I'm here again. It's weird, on the one hand it was a huge sense of relief and freedom to be forced away from the computer for so long. On the other hand, I felt a huge disconnect, and a loss of the sense of responsbility I had to journaling, being accountable with my eating and exercise, etc. Strange place to be, and I'm honestly not sure how I feel about being back online. Anyway, I will say I'm really inspired by reading about Annette, Shannon and Valerie's successes on their journeys. Way to go girls! You are an inspiration to me!

Went to the gym tonight after nearly a week of being away from it (we got 6 inches of snow last weekend and was snowed in for several days and then honestly felt no urge the rest of the time). I walked 15 minutes at an incline of 4, going 3.5 mph with 3 pound armweights. Then I did 10 minutes in the sauna. That was all I could handle my first day back to the gym.

Life isn't better, but maybe I'm dealing with it better. Have been going to my CoDA meetings and that has helped. "Let go." What a simple, yet impossible task for me.

March 1, 2006

Before I start with big news, let me say that my eating and my exercise have been moderate. Not high raw, but relatively healthy. Not exercising every day, but a few times at the gym this last week and a few times at the park with the dogs. All of that is changing today!

I quit my J.O.B. Gave notice, but as some employers do (the not-so-intelligent-ones I might add), my boss offered me a final paycheck through my promised last day and said I could go. Well I'm not an idiot, if she wants to shoot herself AND the organization in the proverbial foot by not having me finalize things and get them through a busy period, then hell, I'm not going to stay.

So I'm officially a free woman. This is quite a liberating place to be. No job, no relationship, a month-to-month lease in a house I'm sharing. First time in my entire life, that I can do anything. I can stay, I can go. I have a lot to think about, a lot of decisions to make.

(PS Don't think I'm totally without adult-like thought processes. I'm definitely wavering between the wow-I'm-free-and-am-standing-in-front-of-an-open-door-to-millions-of-wonderful-new-exciting-challenging-possibilities-people-and-experiences AND holy-shit-I'm-free-and-scared-as-hell-as-to-what-that-really-means.)

March 7, 2006

I'm doing fantastic!!

Eating really really well. Lots of salads, guacamole, veggies, bananas and apples, nuts, seeds, a few vegan soups, a few handfuls of spelt pretzels or gluten-free corn crisps here and there.

Exercising like a frickin fiend. I can't get enough. I'm pushing myself really hard at the gym, and then walk the dogs every day. I've even started taking some of the gym's free classes, like cardio and ab extreme. My stomach is getting smaller every day. I was down to 249 yesterday, but today I'm at 251. I do believe I'm gaining lots of muscle, and am not concerned about the number. I believe it will start to go down as my body assimilates to the good food and exercise. I feel great!!! My skin is getting clearer (except sometimes the dry sauna does seem to spawn a few small breakouts), but it's way smoother now. My hair is getting shinier and my eyes are getting much brighter. I feel really good too, when I'm looking in the mirror at my body at the gym. It's starting to get smaller and more toned and tight. My stomach will take a lot of work for me to feel good, but my goal is to be in a nice swimsuit by the beginning of summer, and I'm gonna do it!!! I've got to get a picture posted for March this week. I promise I'll work on it.

Life's interesting as usual. I've been taking the last week to contemplate what I want to do next...money wise. I have some great ideas and I'm going to start putting them into action. I'm NOT going back in to the workforce (at least right now). I'm going to work for myself and do what *I* want for a change!

This past weekend I went out for the first time since my relationship ended. I mean really went out. I went to a women's dance here in Fayetteville and then went to a gay nightclub to dance til it closed at 2 am. I went with one straight friend (who's really straight though???) and one lesbian. It was a wild night and we had a blast! 200+ women in one place was something I haven't been used to since I've moved to Northwest Arkansas. I actually met quite a few people, knew more people than I realized I would, and am going to start getting involved in some of the local activities. It's going to be really good for me to get out there again. Scary but very exciting at the same time. Dating is going to be a whole new ball game for me.

Great quotes for me right now.

"Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you're going to do now and do it."
– William C. Durant

"Whether you believe that you can do something or not, you're right." (read this online in some self-help article)

"Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."
– Virginia Satir

Paul Nison came and spoke to our Northwest Arkansas raw group last week. Here are some of the highlights that I took from the seminar.

- Ideal: 75-80% Raw; then the other 20-25% should be two of these four things: Raw, Ripe, Fresh, or Organic

- Juicing - take most nutrition in while using least energy

- Chew thoroughly, less energy used.

- Chew your drinks and drink your foods.

- Blended Soup Recipe: celery, cucumber, spinach, avocado, tomato, lemon

- Monomeals good - one food at a time - simple eating

- Fried foods and using the microwave - take the most energy and give the least nutrition

- Disease is either Deficiency or Detox

- Laziness and constipation are the first two signs of disease.

- Overeating and undersleeping are the two causes of disease.

- Sleeping is another word for healing. Sleep is VERY important.

- Don't eat bad then cleanse. Eat clean, not necessary to cleanse. (Wastes energy)

- Supplementation ok. Stimulation not ok. (yes to MSM, Probiotics and Green Powders, no to Maca and Cacao)

- Too much sugar is one of our biggest problems - watch overconsumption of fruit

- Best to take oils in directly from the fruit/seed/nut. Take olives before olive oil, take avocados before avocado oil, take hemp seeds before hemp seed oil, etc.

- My favorite thing that I heard, is actually something I'm currently doing - SIMPLIFY! Live so that everything you own can fit in your car. "The more we have in life, the more confused we get (the more decisions we have to make)."

Weight: 249 pounds (yesterday), 251 pounds (today)

March 9, 2006

Another wonderful day! Had lunch with a friend today (went to Marketplace Grill - ate a yummy salad, picked through the cheese they put on it and told the waitress not to bring bread - woohoo!), then went to another friend's house to help her do some re-decorating on her new apartment. I really love the people I have in my life. I was really in a glum period back in December, January and even February. March is really proving itself to be a turn-around for me. (Could quitting my job have something to do with this new level of freedom and satisfaction? Probably!)

I headed home and grabbed my gym bag and went to the gym. Spent 2 and a half hours there (sometimes I feel like the gym is becoming my life, but it's ok for now, as I really want to get fit for summer swimsuit season). Did my standard 20 minute treadmill at an incline of 4 going 3.8 mph (300 calories, 1.25 miles). Then the people walking next to me and I realized "My Name is Earl" was coming on, so I ran to grab some 3 pound arm weights, hit the restart button on the treadmill, and did another 30 minutes at 3.5 mph at an incline of 2. It's SO much easier to exercise when you're distracted. I find I can stay in the dry sauna for TONS more time if I'm talking to someone or if I'm reading.

Afterwards I weighed....I nearly jumped up and down when I saw it read 244.5 pounds. I actually did let out a "whoo!" and threw my arms up in the air with pride. I actually got off, set it back to zero, and got back on to make sure I was reading it right. I'm thrilled!!! My hard work and healthy eating is paying off!!! After that weigh-in, I was more determined than ever. I headed to the big room and did 30 minutes of various ab exercises (since I missed the 6 pm ab extreme work out, which I did yesterday). Then I stretched and went to the dry sauna. I brought "The Celestine Prophecy" to read to distract my mind from the heat and ended up staying in 20 minutes. I did 20 minutes in there yesterday too and felt so incredible. I think the sauna is speeding up my weight loss too. I took a nice long shower and took my time getting lotioned, dressed and hair dryed.

I only ate once today, which is NOT good, but my appetite seems to have diminished since exercising so much. I really want to be better about eating breakfast and lunch, and then if I have a light or no dinner, I won't mind so much. But I do NOT want my body to go into "starvation" mode and start storing fat because it doesn't think I'm giving it what it needs. Hey, I can NOT complain though. How many times have you seen me journal that my appetite is suppressed. Uh, probably never!

Weight: 244.5 pounds

March 11, 2006

Went over to friends' house last night and we watched "When Night is Falling." Cooked them a great, healthy vegetarian meal - frozen season veggies steamed in their steamer, quinoa boiled on the stove. Simple, yet delicious. Surprisingly, they loved it, and are excited to do some healthy cooking themselves. I felt good sharing my healthy eating choices with them.

Got home from their house at 2:00 in the morning and then stayed up talking to my roommate til 5:00 am. Needless to say I let myself sleep in until 11:00 am. Could have slept longer, but wanted to take advantage of the weekend (not that I know the difference between weekdays and weekends since I don't have a J.O.B.).

Went to lunch with another friend and then we went to Hobby Lobby to do a little shopping. Came back to my house and she did some beadwork and I got ready to go meet some other friends at the movies to see "TransAmerica" (excellent movie by the way!). Met them at the theater and on the way in, ran into another woman I'd met last weekend at the women's dance. She ended up sitting with me and my friends during the movie and I invited her out to a birthday dinner party I was going to that evening. She agreed and met me at the Thai restaurant and we all seemed to have a great time (she's very cute, sweet and seems very healthy and well-adjusted, but not sure if it's something that will go anywhere - she has my number now, so we shall see).

Anyway, it was one of my friend's birthday and one of my friend's friend's birthday too, so we ended up having 13 or 14 people at this dinner party. I loved meeting everyone and met a couple of people again that I had met at the dance last weekend. After dinner we went to the bowling alley, but the wait was nearly an hour for a lane, so 5 of us went over to Arsaga's to have tea and play dominos. It was so much fun. I've missed developing relationships, friendships and connections like I am now with these new people in my life. It's amazing to me the people that are coming to my life and becoming such an intregal part of my day-to-day existence. I feel really healthy and happy for the first time in a long time. The birthday girl came back to my house with me tonight and we watched the movie, "Walking and Talking." What a great weekend I'm having!

PS Food-wise, I'm still doing fabulously! I had salad and vegan minestrone soup at the Olive Garden with a friend Friday for lunch, then steamed veggies and quinoa for dinner last night; salad at the Natural Foods Coop with a friend for lunch today, then an order of fresh spring rolls with tamarind sauce tonight at the Thai restaurant. For a snack tonight during the movie, I had raw almonds, raisins and a few too many spelt pretzels. I feel fantastic, but didn't work out today, which I have to admit, made me feel a bit blah. Definitely getting to the gym tomorrow.

March 16, 2006

I updated my pictures today. Click here to go to the picture page. I'm also including a couple of other shots here that I took, but didn't include on the picture page. The first picture isn't fuzzy, like the second one is, but the second picture shows my hair length. The third picture shows my eyes close-up. The whites of my eyes are way whiter since I've been eating so healthy. I like that my cheekbones are showing up now, but I still hate that nasty double chin. Go away go away!!!

My gym has been closed yesterday, today and tomorrow for renovations, so I've had to go to the park to go running and walking. My thighs are pounding tonight due to running and power walking on pavement. I guess I've been pretty spoiled walking on a padded treadmill. And I haven't used my pedometer to know how far I run, before I stop to walk. I know the trail at Gully Park is more than 1 mile and I did three laps yesterday and three laps today. No other workout though, which means my ab muscles aren't getting the workout I like them to. Oh well, one more day before the gym is back open and I can get back to my routine. I love Gully Park for doing running, though, because it's so spread out and the greenspace is huge and I feel comfortable jogging and being in my own world. The dogs didn't get to go with me today, because I was particularly obsessed with wanting to work my body hard.

I met Boni's sister for lunch today with the pups. We picked up lunch at the Natural Foods Coop (standard salad for me with a bottle of water), then we went to a local park to eat, talk, do some business and let her visit the pups. It was a beautiful day outside, and I got some nice sun on my arms and face.

Last night I went to friends for dinner and hot tubbing. I made them my incredible guacamole, with salad and flour tortillas. We made tacos out of them and they really liked them. I LOVE cooking for other people, and knowing I'm feeding them healthy! We hot tubbed for a while, then spent the rest of the evening doing The Book of Questions (by Gregory Stock) and watching t.v.

Oh, the day before yesterday, I was doing my walk 1/4 mile, run 1/4 mile (for 2 miles) and I checked my heartrate. It went from 83 to 57 AFTER I finished the two miles. I finally got pissed off enough at myself for not getting my heartrate up, that I went and found a trainer and told him what was happening - that I have never ever gotten my heartrate above 83 and today, after running/walking fast 2 miles, it actually went DOWN to 57. He said, "Those machines don't have accurate heartrate monitors. If you were really at 57, you'd be in the hospital." So I've been kicking my ass to get my heartrate up, when all along the machines are screwed. Thank gosh! Though it actually made me work hard each time, so now I have to find a new drive to kick my ass.

Tomorrow I've got a quick 2 hour craft show over lunch at the square in downtown Bentonville. My roommate is going with me and she's going to sell her crafts too. It's a St. Patrick's Day event to get business-people to stay in downtown over lunch, instead of getting in their car and driving elsewhere for lunch.

Saturday I think I'm going to the Buffalo National River with friends. We'll see if it pans out. It would be good for me to get away for the day.

Let's see, what else? I'm eating great! Salads every day, bananas, oranges, apples with natural peanut butter (not raw), raw nuts, some non raw sunflower seeds, raisins, some spelt pretzels, a tortilla here and there, steamed veggies, vegan soups. I feel great, but of course, my weight is STILL not coming off like I'd like. I'm such an impatient shit sometimes. I want it now now now! I can see in my body it's getting smaller. My three stomachs, went to two, and now the top one is smaller, and the bottom one is much much flatter without the huge roll by my pelvic bone. T.M.I., I know (too much information). My arms are firmer, but the little saggy part by my arm pit is still pissing me off. Ugh, no sleeveless shirts yet for me. Swimsuit season is getting closer and I'm freaking out, cause I want to look hot by this summer. Gotta keep going!!! I'm so determined though, so that's great.

Okie doke, going to bed now. Gotta get up and get ready early in the morning.

Weight: 243 pounds

March 18, 2006

Did a St. Patrick's Day craft show on the square yesterday. I did really well and was so grateful, as rent is due in two weeks and I don't want to get too close on bills! This is my goal, that I can make it on my art, and not go back to the 8 to 5 workforce. I got an offer to come work at the Main Street Bentonville office on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but I'm just 1.) not wanting to drive back to Bentonville for a meager salary (though I didn't even ask what it pays), and 2.) not wanting to be anywhere near my old boss, who is on the Board of Main Street Bentonville. So I tried to graciously decline, without giving a reason. And of course my main reason is I don't want to go take any ole job just to get a paycheck.

Went to the Coop after the Market and had lunch. Same ole salad, but each time I eat it, I find it to be perfectly delicious. I put mixed greens, shredded carrots, raisins, sprouts, raw sunflower seeds, feta cheese crumbles, and then get a small amount of roasted, non-salted peanuts from the bulk bins to add to it. I use the honey mustard, which I adore. I can just eat and eat that salad every day. And my salads always end up surprisingly cheap considering it's an all organic $6.99/pound salad bar. My roommate was having lunch already with friends when I got there, so she came over and visited after she was done.

Later, I took the dogs for a walk at Wilson Park and then took myself for a jog/walk all around my neighborhood. I didn't take my pedometer, but I must have gone 3 miles or so. I felt great afterwards. An interesting thing happened while I was running. I got to a street corner and was about to cross, but noticed a car slow down to turn, so I paused to let him go. He looked and me, waved me on, and then as I jogged past, he sorta hollered out the window, "Hey." I turned around and he proceeded to say, "Keep up the good work." I quickly said thanks, and then proceeded to blush all the way up the hill. Was he saying it because I'm a big girl and he was telling me way to go for being overweight and still being out there jogging, trying my darndest to lose weight? Was he being flirty and just trying to get my attention? I don't know, but either way, it was nice to hear. I have to give myself those kudos each day and it took me off guard to hear it from someone else.

I came back to the house after my run and proceeded to get on the floor and do a few hundred crunches in various positions to "Yeah!" by Usher, my absolute favorite workout song. I can listen to that song over and over and over, and it's like the first time I heard it. It's such a good song for me to groove to while I focus on getting my body in the condition I want it to be.

Some new friends, that I met at the womyn's dance a few weeks ago, came by and picked me up for dinner. We went to A Taste of Thai on the downtown Fayetteville Square. I hadn't been to that one before, but I instantly loved it. The food was excellent, but more importantly the atmosphere was totally me. It reminded me of the Dobie Mall in Austin, that I used to love to go to hang out in. It was a quaint, dimmly lit, well decorated Thai restaurant in a large room within a larger old building. There was a meditteranean restaurant across the hall called Petra Cafe, that I definitely want to try some time. We had a delicious meal. I had mixed veggies with steamed tofu in a Thai bean sauce, no rice, regular iced tea, and a small plate of fresh mango, on which they had drizzled coconut milk. I lived vicariously through one of the girls, who ate the sticky rice that normally accompanies my mango treat. We enjoyed getting to know each other and then they came back to my house to see my pad, my art, and my puppies. We had tea/coffee, hung out in my sunroom upstairs and had the most amazing experience as we sat there. I heard something rustling in the trees outside my second floor windows. I looked out into the darkness and a tender white face with a shadowy nose was peering back at me. A possom was hanging out on a branch eating bugs. He was perfectly at our eye level and acted shy once we acknowledged his presence. I've seen many possom in the yard here and at my old house, but this was a first for me. What a cutie! I love nature so much.

Late last night, after those friends left, I took the pups and went over to some other friends' house to spend the night. When I got there, I changed clothes and helped one of them tape off her bathroom to prepare it for painting. Stayed up way late, working on the computer, and reading a new novel, referred by a FromSADtoRAW emailer, "Good in Bed," by Jennifer Weiner. Really good so far. Reminds me tons of "Passing for Thin," an auto-biography of similar tone and content.

Even though I went to bed at 3:30 a.m. last night (er, this morning), I woke up rather suddenly this morning at 7:56. My friends were both still asleep, even though I went into one of their bedrooms and pulled "a kid on Christmas morning," climbing on the bed and asking if she was awake. Haha! She woke up enough to tell me she was still sleeping, so I went back to my room to journal and read some more. Sometimes it's really good for me to go over to someone else's life for a while, gets me out of my regular humdrum of paperwork, computer, going to the PO box, walking the dogs, working out, blah blah. We were supposed to go to the Buffalo River today, but it's cold and raining, so we're gonna hang out here and I'm gonna help one of the girls paint her bathroom.

March 19, 2006

Last night I went out with another girl I met at the womyn's dance (the same one who sat with me at TransAmerica and who came to Thep Thai with me that night for my friend's birthday dinner). We went to dinner at Common Grounds. I got my usual birdseed salad and iced tea. It came with a wheat roll and I ignored it until I finished my salad, then picked it apart and ate it a bite at a time, til it was nearly gone. I was hoping it would be hard and yucky, but it was crispy on the outside and soft and chewy on the inside. Reminded me of a Thanksgiving dinner roll. I didn't really feel badly about it though, strange. After dinner we went over to George's Majestic cause there was a lesbian band she said was great and wanted us to see. Ends up that the girl postponed the show, so we just headed over to Ron's, a gay club that had just reopened the night before, after being closed for several years. They were playing pretty decent music and we danced and hung out with a group of her friends who happened to be there until 1:30 am. (PS I thought it was a date, but now I'm thinking it wasn't, time will tell.)

This morning I slept in until 11:45, when another friend called and asked if I wanted to go to lunch. I met her at ONF at 12:30 and we had a yummy lunch, my standard salad of course, and my Chick-fil-A iced tea, which I brought in from home (did I mention that I buy a gallon of Chick-fil-A unsweetened iced tea every Monday?). After lunch, she came back to my house and we watched two episodes of this season's L Word.

The next thing that happened was actually quite amusing. She said she wanted to go to her gym to "sweat," which means sit for an extended period of time in the steam and sauna rooms. I said I should go to my gym to work out, but I was wavering because it was already 5:00 and my gym closes at 6:00 on Sundays. She was wavering between going to sweat and staying to watch more L Word (she's addicted!). Finally she said she wanted me to go sweat with her and I was gonna go NAKED (she knows I have a terrible self-body image and am constantly preoccupied with how horrible my body looks). I said hell no. She said, yes, it would be good for both of us to be naked and comfortable of our own bodies in front of each other (she's already comfortable with her body naked in front of other people, mind you). I was still saying no, when I heard myself agreeing under the condition that I could wear underwear. At first she said no, but finally said, ok, that that was actually a pretty big accomplishment. See, I have only recently become comfortable (or rather tolerate) walking naked at my gym from my locker, straight in to the shower, but I could never just hang out naked or go into the sauna naked (well especially at my gym, considering it's a Co-Ed sauna!). So I put on my non-granny-panties and we headed to her gym. Somehow I managed to get in free (they normally charge $15 for guests) and quickly got undressed and into the steam room. I didn't wear my contacts and I left my glasses in the locker room, which actually helped me, because in my mind, if I couldn't see her, maybe she couldn't see me (sorta like how an ostrich will bury it's head in the ground and think no one can see the rest of it's body, ha!). Surprisingly, I quickly got comfortable and before our first 15 minute session was up, I was already walking around much more at ease in my nakedness. Of course, I had to critique and scowl at my body with each glance in the enormous mirrors hung on every single wall. We did 45 minutes in the sauna after our steam room session, and then got quick showers. I was very jealous of her for her gym, mine absolutely sucks in comparison. The women's locker room is the size of my entire gym, no kidding. And they provide listerine, deoderant, hand soap, lotion, body wash, shampoo, conditioner, hair dryers, sweat and shower towels, and more. Sheesh, if I could afford her gym it's about $65 per month), I'd SO join!!! She doesn't ever even leave the locker room at her gym. She just goes to sweat!!!

After my shower, I moved toward the scale. She tried to stop me, but I begged. It had been since last Tuesday when I'd last weighed, and I was dying to know if I'd lost any weight. I got on and nearly exploded with happiness, it read 240 pounds!!!! I've lost 3 more pounds this week! That's 26.5 pounds since January, 70 pounds since 2004, when I started!!! I'm only 9 pounds from my lowest weight, back in January 2005, when I was down to 231 pounds. I could see a look of "damn" in my friend's face, 1.) because she hates how much the number can trigger me, whether good OR bad, and 2.) because she hasn't been following her raw path in a while, and uses me as a gauge to "get back on again." She refuses to let me "pass her by" with weight loss, so I think my continued success is triggering HER to get her ass back in gear. I do feel like a million bucks, I must say. That number may rule me, but it also is keeping me going, like not many other things have. I WILL be a hottie by summer!

After our workout, we went to La Hacienda for dinner. She had decided she wanted to make some changes, but wanted to have one last "blow out" on cheese and fried shit. I said that was fine, because I'd get a guacamole salad. I saw the chips come to the table, acknowledged them with my eyes, then refused to even glance at them again throughout my meal. (Ok, I looked at them once more, but only to (in my head) stick out my tongue in nanny-nanny-boo-boo fashion and shoot them a choice finger.) My meal was fantastic and I even had leftover guacamole to take home. My friend said next time she was going to get the exact same thing I did, and tell the waitress to nix the chips, but bring the salsas. She felt like hell afterwards and of course I felt energized. I reminded her that it was ok, because the crap feeling is what is going to motivate her to start a new day tomorrow - that we have to have bad feelings when eating cooked crap, otherwise, why would we ever choose to give it up? I was really grateful that she was going to be making health changes, because I love spending time with her, and having a friend support me on this journey will be MUCH more fulfilling, than having to convince myself of my good choices when surrounded by bad ones.

I spent the rest of the evening at home, talking with my roommate and her beau, about the bizarre rituals of dating and non-dating and how the hell you are supposed to figure out which you are doing! We had a good time and I felt a real peace about my life as the weekend came to a close. Life is good. It's been such a process to get to a place of being able to say that. Thank Gawd I'm finally getting there!

Great quotes ----

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."
– Helen Keller

"If you treat an individual as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become what he ought to be and could be."
– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"To think is easy. To act is difficult. To act as one thinks is the most difficult."
– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark."
– Michelangelo Buonarroti

"If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we are not really living. Growth demands a temporary surrender of security."
– Gail Sheehy

Weight: 240 pounds

March 27, 2006

Oh boy, lots of things going on!!! Life has been beyond busy. Let's see, I'll just give a quick rundown.

Monday (3/20) I spent the day with myself, I think - the days have run together.

Tuesday (3/21) I met the girl I went out with Saturday night for coffee at Arsaga's. Worked out. Went to my 12-step meeting, where we're starting a step workbook study group.

Wednesday (3/22) I had lunch with a friend at a foofy and yummy restaurant in Bentonville, called The Sanctuary. Worked out.

Thursday (3/23) night hung out with two of my friends at my house, then we went out to dinner at El Camino Real. I didn't work out that day.

Friday (3/24) I got ready for the Ozark Cooperative Market that I'd be doing on Saturday.

Saturday (3/25) I sold my art at the Market all day, then headed to Bentonville for an evening planning meeting for a new Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender Community Center in Northwest Arkansas. Looks like I'm going to be getting actively involved in this new organization. After the meeting, I went out with the same girl I went out with last weekend and had coffee with on Tuesday. We went to Common Grounds, where she had coffee and I had another yummy birdseed salad. Then we went to Ron's (actually now called Pride Street Live) to dance. Got home after 1:30 am and crashed til noon or so on Sunday.

Sunday (3/26) I started my period, which explains the 3 pounds that have crept back in the last week. I went to the gym and then went to dinner with a friend at Golden Corral.

Monday (today) I took the dogs to Gully Park and then picked up a salad from Ozark Natural Foods (ONF). Worked on the NWA GLBT Community Center website most of the day and then a friend came over for another L Word marathon.

Synopsis about exercise: every day have been doing a walk/run for 2 miles - I walk .25 mile at 3.8 mph, then I run .25 mile at 6.0 mph, until I've made it 2 miles. It's wonderful! Then I either do another mile on the treadmill, do 20 minutes on the bike or do 20 minutes of ab crunches in the big gym. After that I finish up with 20-25 minutes in the sauna. I feel amazing and each time I look in the mirror, I'm feeling more and more happy with what I see. It's slow, but happening! I definitely notice it in my arms. That sag is starting to go away and they are more firm. I wish I had those really sexy arms already, but I'll keep working on it.

Synopsis about food intake: basically lots of salads from ONF or wherever I happen to have lunch/dinner, roasted sunflower seeds, bananas, apples and peanut butter, pecans, raisins, spelt pretzels, guacamole, and some "Fantastic Big Soup Organic Noodle Bowls," and of course my iced tea

Let's see - what else? Well I'm grateful Mercury is out of Retrograde, cause there have been way too many things happening the last week - one hair dryer broke and then I cut my finger on it trying to use it anyway, bought another hair dryer and it broke before I could even use it, my DVD recorder broke and I had to take it in for repair (ended up getting it replaced instead, so that was good, but I don't like the new one as much as my old one), my roommate's beau dropped one of my refrigerator magnets and broke several points off of it, then he hit one of my friend's cars, parked out front while we were out to dinner. That same friend had her car spray painted the night before, and then she got hit AGAIN today by someone else at Target. Sheesh, what a week!

Oh and here's an update on the website. Since January 2004, there have been 6,400,000 hits and 153,000 unique visitors. Wow! That's a lot of individuals seeking health information!

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."
– Mark Twain

March 28, 2006

A friend stayed over talking until 3:30 am this morning! It was great talking about such deep things, but I'm exhausted. I haven't caught up on sleep since last Friday (Friday night I didn't go to bed until 6:00 am and then woke up at 8:30 am to get myself to the Market to work - I had worked all night getting my art and marketing stuff ready for the show).

So, this morning, I slept in only until 9:00 am, then met up with that same friend for a walk at Wilson Park with the pups and then lunch at a new Brazilian restaurant here in Fayetteville. I decided almost instantly that I didn't like the place (2nd time to go there and it's not the sort of salad array that I prefer, at all), and after picking through a pathetic plate of salad, I proceeded to several small plates of mashed potatoes, potato salad, 2 pieces of cubed white cheese, too many packets of Club-type crackers, and some weird potato balls soaked in an oil. The best thing about the whole meal was the wonderful iced tea they serve. I'm such a sucker for great, strong iced tea! Anyway, I felt horrible afterwards, physically of course, but emotionally more than anything. I was angry that I ate that crap, especially because I knew it was due, at least in part, to a slightly bizarre phone conversation I had with the girl I went out with the last 3 Saturday nights. (I need to start using initials or something when talking about people, cause I'm even starting to get confused by my constant use of the words "a friend." Random thought, sorry.)

Afterwards we went shopping at Wal-Mart and spent way too many hours trying on bras and random clothes. I've been told that my size 44DD bra is no longer working for me, and the 42DD bras that I kept trying on also are too big. So I bought two 40DD bras (ugh, I can't stand seeing the DD!!! when will that go down?!) and some new underwear in size 9 and even 8, so I have some to slim down to. I have thrown away all of my size 11 and 10 underwear and the 9's are going to be too big soon enough. It's weird though, because I tried on some size 22 capri/cargo pants today and although they weren't tight at all, they didn't look good and loose like I would have liked. And the size 18/20 top I tried on fit fine, while the size 16 top was WAY too tight. I can not wait until I'm into the non number size clothes, like just Large and X-Large. I also can't wait til I can buy a 6-pack of those adorable Tinkerbell or Muppets panties that I've been eyeing in the teen section! How cute!

After Wal-Mart, we parted ways and I went to the gym instead of my weekly CoDA meeting. I wasn't feeling up to processing today and really was dying to work out. I got on the treadmill, after realizing I was 12 minutes late to the abs extreme class. I pumped out 15 minutes at 4.0 mph and then went in to the big room to see what the 6:30 pm class was. I decided to take a risk and take the step blitz class. The first few minutes I thought, "no problem," until the movements got pretty fast and confusing and I ended up feeling like a freak and way out of my element. I also can't stand seeing my big body in the mirror next to 12-15 slim, attractive women, who don't seem to have any problem keeping up with the hard-bodied 20-something instructor. After that, I was about to get back on the treadmill, when I got a call from another friend. She and my other friend (the Wal-Mart shopping friend) were meeting for dinner in 30 minutes at La Hacienda, so I decided to join them. I really wanted to walk more and sweat in the sauna too, but I also really wanted to join them. I did 9 minutes in the sauna and jumped in the shower, still 5 minutes late in meeting them. I ordered the same delicious guacamole salad as I had last time I went there and one of my friends ordered the same. I was pleased that she was as happy with the salad as I had been. I will say that the crunchy flaky shell covered in cheese and the stuffed bell pepper at the table next to us was a little enticing for me. I hope these cravings are just temporary due to my period.

After dinner, one of the friends came back to my house and we spent the next several hours talking. I swear, I'm spending more time just hanging out with people than I ever have in my whole life. It's such a bizarre place to be in for me. I'm just not used to being so social, and I'm certainly not used to whiling away my time in leisurely activities, versus being on the computer or working on some paperwork-type project. I also don't seem to have time for tv like I used to, which is certainly NOT a bad thing!

Alright, here's some random trivia for ya. I got this survey in my email inbox today, so I decided to fill it out. Thought I'd share it with you in case you wanted to know just a bit more about me than you already do.

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Executive Assistant to the President of an Actuary Firm (first real job)
2. Program Manager at the Texas Dept of Health for the Volunteer Mailroom for People with Disabilities
3. Marketing Coordinator for Advance Group, a watch/clock/pens vendor for Wal-Mart
4. Marketing Coordinator for The Peel House Foundation - Peel Mansion and Compton Gardens

Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Best in Show
2. Harry Potter
3. The Sweetest Thing
4. Grease (1 or 2)

Four places that I have lived:
1. Boca Raton, Florida
2. Memphis, Tennessee
3. Austin, Texas
4. Bella Vista/Bentonville/Gentry/Fayetteville, Arkansas

Four TV shows that I love to watch:
1. Cops (no, I'm not ashamed to admit it!)
2. Friends
3. My Name is Earl (funniest show I've ever seen)
4. The Apprentice (I love the Donald!)

Four places that I have been on vacation:
1. Puerto Rico (actually for business, but I still had fun!)
2. Key West, Orlando and Panana City Beach, Florida
3. Hot Springs, Arkansas
4. Mountain View, Arkansas

Four websites I visit daily:
1. www.yahoo.com
2. www.nwaglbtcc.org
3. www.isleofinnis.com
4. www.ffbh.com (First Federal - boring, but true)

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Salads
2. Steamed Veggies
3. Guacamole
4. Peanut Butter
PS I'm eating healthy now, so if you'd asked me this a few years ago, I would have said, Mexican, Pizza, Ice Cream, Chips

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. At the beach
2. Crystal mining
3. Getting a massage or a pedicure
4. At a coffee shop

Four things noone knows about me:
1. I was adopted.
2. I'm a natural redhead.
3. I came out when I was 21.
4. I think Cops is one of the greatest shows on earth. Where else can you see human beings acting like animals who are being completely and totally serious?

March 29, 2006

Going to make a really quick post here, as I have a lot of work to get done tonight and it's already 12:45 am. Today I took a friend to my monthly Women in Networking meeting. Had a yummy lunch there of salad and steamed veggies as well as a medium scoop of mashed potatoes, as well as lots of iced tea. After lunch I spent most of the afternoon working on some rainbow pride artwork to take down to Eureka Springs to sell to the retail stores there for the upcoming Diversity Pride weekend. I took the dogs for a quick walk around the neighborhood before I headed north to meet a woman (I met her last weekend at the GLBT Community Center meeting) for dinner at Outback Steakhouse. I had my usual salad of lettuce, roma tomatoes and cucumber with honey mustard dressing, two sides of steamed veggies and iced tea. It was delicious! We talked for a few hours and then I headed to the gym to workout. I walked 3 miles with 4 pound arm weights, going 4.0 mph. That too 45 minutes. Then I did ab exercises and stretched in the aerobics room for a half an hour or so, and then went to the sauna room for 16 minutes (couldn't handle any more than that tonight, it was way hot and I was sweating insanely). I felt super after my shower and was even able to get my towel around my body enough to tuck it in so it would stay in place. My arms still irritate me, but they are getting better. When I got home, I snacked on tomatoes with some feta cheese and black olives, then some peanut butter and raisins and iced tea. Random little smorgasbord of food. Oh, I watched two movies today that I highly recommend - "Prozac Nation" and "Open Water." Both were incredible - warning: "Open Water" is INTENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

March 31, 2006

Yesterday - Slept in. Met a friend for lunch at the Co-op. Standard salad with my Chick-fil-A iced tea. Took the dogs for a quick walk before I headed up north to go to another NWA GLBT Community Center planning meeting. Planned to work out when I got back to Fayetteville, but I was starving, so I went to the grocery store and stocked up on yummy salad and nut stuff and settled in for the evening.

Today - Slept in. Went to Eureka Springs to sell some of my artwork to the stores there. Also wanted to check out the hotel we're staying at next weekend for Diversity Pride Weekend, and also see if there were any better ones that we might rather stay in. Going down with 3 friends next Friday and Saturday nights and coming back Sunday. Should be a ton of fun! I'm looking forward to this mini-vacation. Ate a salad at Subway and then stopped by a health food store/pharmacy to pick up a nut trail mix for the drive back to Fayetteville. Took the dogs for a walk when I got home and then a friend came over to go to dinner tonight. We ate at A Taste of Thai and then she came back to my house to hang out and talk. I'm exhausted, so I'm gonna call it a night and get some sleep. PS Didn't work out at the gym yesterday or today. Took the dogs for walks, but it is NOT the same. I feel fat.

April 1, 2006

Went with my roommate to the Bentonville Farmer's Market meeting today to see if I can start selling my artwork at their Saturday markets. We both got in and starting at the end of April, I'll be doing the Farmer's Market every Saturday.

When I got back to Fayetteville, I went to the gym for a workout before tonight's Raw Ozars Potluck. I went to the store and got ingredients and made Rawcamole. Went to the potluck and was going to go to Jose's on Dickson to hear some hillbilly/ragtime music, but just got in a sour mood at the potluck and wanted to just go home. I took the dogs for a walk around the neighborhood. It was good for me to take a walk in the dark, cool night air. I think I'm gonna call it a night. I need a break from the world tonight.

April 3, 2006

Yesterday: slept in, finally! Went by the Coop and picked up a salad and then took the dogs to Gully Park to eat my lunch and then take them for a walk. Afterwards I went to the gym for a workout. The abs extreme instructor didn't show up by 4:15 pm, so I figured out how to turn on the sound system, found a dance cd and the class participants and I started doing ab work until our instructor would show up. I went out to ask the gym manager to find out if our instructor was coming - she found out that the "spring forward" time change was the culprit. So the manager said she'd do a workout with us. It was good and today I'm nice and sore. One of my friends decided to come to my gym after my workout and go in to the sauna with me. We did about 30 minutes with a 10 minute break about 20 minutes in. Afterwards we went out to dinner at Ruby Tuesday's. I had the salad bar and a plain baked potato. It was all delicious! Then we came back to my house and watched "Boys Don't Cry" while I worked on some pride (rainbow) bead jewelry to take over to Eureka Springs to a new diversity shop opening up next weekend. We ended up staying up this morning until 3:30 am talking with my roommate. Slept in today until noon.

April 4, 2006

Slept in until noon again today. Went to the Coop for lunch with my roommate. Went to the bank and Chick-fil-A for my weekly gallon of iced tea to go. Took the dogs for a walk at Wilson Park. Went to my CoDA meeting early to work on my step study workbook, then went to the gym for a really nice work out. I'm super depressed feeling like a fat cow even after the intense workouts (tonight I walked for 45 minutes with arm weights going 4.0 mph, then did 30 minutes of abs, arms and leg exercises in the aerobics gym, then 20 minutes in the sauna) and eating lots and lots of salads (2 today from the Coop). My roommate and friends tell me I'm looking great, that my body is shrinking, but I just don't see what they see. I'm distorted! Stayed up way late tonight (actually it's already 4 in the morning) working on some more diversity pride jewelry to take to Eureka. Was supposed to go today, but changed the appointment with the store to tomorrow. Tomorrow will pretty much be a goner since I'm going to Eureka, and will have to sleep in before hand to make up for this lack of sleep. Thursday my plan is to possibly get a facial, a colonic and a manicure/pedicure to get ready to go out of town on vacation this weekend. We'll see how much I get done, cause I'm also busy making some fun one-liner tshirts to wear at the events we're going to at Pride. Whew, I feel like I'm constantly going going going. Sleep is suffering!

April 5, 2006

Man, I am SERIOUSLY lacking in the sleep department. I can not get to bed early and I can't sleep in cause I have things to do each day trying to get ready to go out of town this weekend. Went to lunch with a friend at the Coop then hurried back to Eureka Springs to meet with a new retail vendor there who is going to consign some of my pride beadwork. Then came back to Fayetteville and met up with the same friend again to go have dinner and do some clothes shopping for this weekend (and because it's time to get some more fitting clothes!). We went to Old Navy, then I went to the gym for another long, intense workout. Ok, finally my body is starting to take shape into something I can somewhat be proud of. The number on the scale is NOT budging, so I guess it's time to take a hiatus from that damn thing and just focus on how my body is responding to my diet and exercise. I got to buy 1X shirts and size 20 pants tonight at Old Navy, so that's exciting. Down from size 26/28 pants from 2004 when I started this journey. Can't wait til I don't even have to buy plus size clothes anymore. Tomorrow morning I've got a colonic appointment, then a manicure/pedicure appointment, I need to get my oil changed and my tires aligned, iron on some of the one liners onto pink tshirts (for a Public Display of Affection event we're going to at the Diversity Weekend), get the dogs ready to go to their Aunt's house on Friday morning, do laundry, clean my bedroom and do a zillion other little things before we leave. And I'm SO tired. It sucks that obesity can also be caused by lack of sleep. Dammit, what else!!!

April 6, 2006

It's 2:51 am, technically April 7th. I'm exhausted, but have SO much to do to get ready to go out of town tomorrow, er, today. Today I went and had a colonic. It was VERY successful - it only ran clear part of the time, the rest of the time it was brown, mucky and somewhat mucousy. I was so grateful to have gotten it. I had a stomach ache most of the afternoon afterwards, so I guess it was an intense one! I picked up a fruit smoothie from Atlanta Bread Company and went to get a pedicure and manicure. I had a salad at home then went to my massage therapist's for an hour and a half massage. It was fantastic and I needed it desparately! After that I met a friend for dinner at Common Grounds. Had a great "birdseed salad" and a bowl of vegan vegetable soup. I ran errands after that - Hobby Lobby and Wal-Mart for an oil change, Shoe Carnival for some new running shoes (mine have gotten so worn that my feet are hurting when I walk/run). Worked out after that. I didn't really intend to work out today, since I had SO much to do, but I decided I'd just go and do the sauna. But once I got there, I just couldn't just do the sauna, so I did my standard routine - 2 miles on the treadmill, 30 minutes of abs/arms/leg work, then 20 minutes in the sauna. Felt great again. I'm getting so comfortable walking around naked, and being more and more pleased in my clothes, that it's a bit scary!

Leaving tomorrow to go to Eureka Springs for Diversity Pride Weekend. I'll be gone until Sunday late afternoon, so no journal updates until probably Monday. Hope you all have a great weekend. I'm super stoked for this mini vacation.

April 9, 2006

Whoa, what a weekend! I have not had that much fun in a LONG time. I'll write a long ole synopsis tomorrow. Right now I need to get to bed, cause I've got to go to court with my roommate first thing in the morning to be a witness for her. 8:00 am is lookin' ugly early for me right now, especially after the very very very late night/early morning weekend I just had.

April 12, 2006

Eureka Springs Diversity Weekend summary (just in case you are interested in mi vida loca):

Friday at 1 pm, I headed to Eureka with my friend H. (guess I should start using initials for people, as "my friend(s)" is getting kind of annoying). Checked in to the hotel and went to our first party from 3-5 pm at Sherwood Courts. It was interesting to say the least. There was a pink port-a-potty decorated for Diversity, which was quite amusing, but the highlight of the event was the boobie cakes that the hostess made for a raffle benefiting the Eureka Food Bank - actually the highlight wasn't the cakes themselves, as much as the people removing the "nipples" with their mouths when they would win one of the raffles. Click here to see some pics from the Meet and Greet as well as other events, I'll mention later.

After the Meet and Greet, we went to dinner at Cafe Soleil. I had the Mediterranean salad and my friend had some fried grouper meal. Hers came with amazing looking french fries and delicious carrots, so I added a side of the carrots to my meal. Yum! (The smell of her french fries made me almost want to order a side of those too!!! But I was a good girl.)

After dinner we went back to the hotel for a quick clothes change and some primping before we headed out to the next Meet and Greet at Caribe's Restaurant. We spent several hours there, meeting lots of new people AND re-meeting some of the people we had met at the earlier Meet and Greet. I was already having lesbian overload by the time we left to meet our other two friends M. and L. who were coming in to town late.

Back at the hotel, I went for one more clothes change (yea, I'm a neurotic femme for sure!), and we all headed to Chelsea's for live music and dancing. What a blast! Excellent music (Tiffany Christopher Band), a bazillion women, dancing, and no drinky for me. I had a tad bit of envy when I saw so much liquor flowin, but it's been almost 5 years for me (September 17, 2001 - sober date), so I wasn't tempted enough to blow my sobriety. One of the girls wanted to leave early, so I ran her back to the hotel, then came back to the club to meet back up with L. and M. Anyway, I can't remember now, but I'm thinking we might have gone to the New Dehli Cafe before we went to Chelsea's, for a snack - I remember having a salad and a few bites of L's dal (sp?) - that's lentil soup basically. It was spicy!!! But good....

Got to bed around 3:00 am Friday night....whew already a lot happened just in one day.

Saturday morning, I got up early, while everyone else slept in. The girls originally wanted to go with me to the Diversity Biker Show N Shine, but all bailed out to sleep. I took the trolley over to the event, where two of my Community Center friends were working. I hung out with them a bit, since the bikes didn't show up like they had hoped, and then proceeded to hop another trolley to downtown. I walked the streets, taking photographs, going into stores, hangin' out and just leisurely spending time with myself.

At noon, I headed back to the hotel to get the girls up and ready to go have lunch. We went back to New Dehli Cafe. I had the same salad again and this time had my own bowl of the dal. Yum, not as spicy, which is good for me.

After lunch, we were all supposed to shop around downtown and then go over to the PDA event (Public Display of Affection - gay/lesbian style!), but they all wanted to go BACK to the hotel again to sleep. I took my irritated self on another 3 hour downtown excursion, taking more photographs and doing some more window shopping (I put a beautiful sterling silver Geisha arty necklace/earring set on layaway at an upscale art gallery).

At 3:45 pm, I met up with some other friends on the street (they are the group of 6 posed mostly-butch chicks wearing pink boas and looking at the camera - they crack me up!) and we all walked down to Basin Park for the PDA photograph event. I didn't want to be IN the picture, I just wanted to be there to TAKE pictures, and so I did. It wasn't a great turnout and I was pretty disappointed in the 100s of lesbians that I KNEW were there roaming the streets, who SHOULD have been at this event. We had an interesting time watching some of the "youngins" trying to talk down a few ignorant protestors. Ah, when will people learn that you can't change people's views on things they are passionate about, whether right or wrong (on BOTH sides of an issue).

After the photos, I hauled ass to the trolley station to hop a trolley back to the hotel to see if the girls wanted to go to the Drag King/Queen show at the Lumberyard - no surprise - they did not. I got in the truck and took myself there. I got really good at being brave and alone this weekend! It was good for my normally codependent self. The drag show was great, and I even got a square-on-the-lips kiss from one of the drag kings at the end of her set, as I was holding up my dollar bill tip.

I knew we had to be at the GayCo! comedy show at 6:30, so I left the drag show early (5:30) and headed back to the hotel to round up the troops. We headed to town and got there in time, barely, for the pre-performance act. The show was hilarious and we had a super time!

After the show, we went to New Dehli (again!) for dinner. After we ate, we were ready to dance! We went to Chelsea's, but I did one walk-thru with H. and we decided we didn't like the music (Iris) or the scene, so we left and headed to Tiki Torch. There was a 30 minute wait to get in (they were at capacity by the time we got there, which was after 11:30 pm, so they would only let one person in, as one person would leave - it was excruciating waiting outside, while we could hear the drag show and the audience going crazy inside). But we waited like good little girls and finally got in around midnight. The drag show wrapped up about 20 minutes after we got there and the dancing began. I danced, and I danced and I danced. And oh my gawd, I danced some more. I have not had that much fun in...I can NOT remember having that much fun in a long long time. Insanity, I tell you, pure insanity! <grin> The dance floor was so packed, that we were basically one big blob moving as one. Craziness. This girl got down with her bad self. Ok, enough with the really annoying faux ghetto talk, sorry, got a little carried away remembering the night. Anyhoo, the club closed at 2 am, and sure enough, H and I were hungry (dancing like that is a serious workout!), so we went...um, where else? New Dehli Cafe. Had dal and salad - boring me, but good girl me at least. Oh, I forgot, earlier when we went, I did have 4 small-medium pieces of nan. Damn that Indian pita bread! Dammit I say! Oh well, I was a fricken saint the rest of the weekend (aside from 5 small corn tortillas with my guacamole salad on Sunday before we left town).

Crashed around 4:30 or 5 am. We had check out at 11 am, but I got up at 10 am and went to the front desk and begged to let our rooms check out at noon instead. He obliged, and we rolled out of the hotel just before 12. Went to have lunch at La Familia (note the corn tortillas above), and headed home.

Whew, long weekend. Great weekend.

<BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM>

This was a post on the From SAD to RAW Yahoo! Group. My response is below the quoted part. "Hi, I have a question that some of you "professionals" may be able to help me with... I am trying to do raw (again) and I have absolutely no time to prep anything, because I am only at home for maybe a couple of hours (to sleep) every day. I go to school from 8-2:30, then leave school and go straight to work and stay at work until 10, get home at 10:30....THEN on weekends I am a house parent and stay at my job from 5pm Friday until Monday, 8am. The thing is is that I am tired of Subway salads and want to try other things, I think that this will help keep me raw if I can find interesting things to do with my food. Does anyone else have some hints? I am getting really discouraged, and I don't want to give up again, I feel like I am under conviction or something to do raw!! I can't get away from it. I also wanted to weigh in with some fruitarians, if there are any in this group. I wondered how they get all that they are supposed to have with this way of eating. Thanks for the help !!!"

<MICHELLE'S RESPONSE>
Here's a random example of my food intake, if this helps you have an idea of my diet. - Bananas with pecans, sunflower seeds and raisins for breakfast
- Orange or apple juice
- Vitaspelt pretzels with roasted peanuts for a snack (not raw)
- Huge salad of spring mix, radishes, alfalfa/radish sprouts, celery, carrots, feta cheese (not raw), sunflower seeds/raisins/roasted peanuts, green or black olives (not raw) Annie's Goddess Dressing
- bowl of Amy's Vegan Fire Roasted Southwestern veggie soup (from a can - not raw)
- celery spears with roasted peanut butter (not raw)
- another huge salad similar to the one mentioned above- more orange or apple juice- pound of strawberries Variations:
- might have steamed veggies and/or a baked potato/baked sweet potato from Outback Steakhouse, Golden Corral, Ruby Tuesday's- salad and vegan minestrone soup from Olive Garden - guacamole salad with lettuce/tomato (sometimes just like that OR I'll have it with carrots/celery or gluten free corn salsa crisps from the grocer I'm a pretty boring eater, but I love it all so much that I'm doing well with it. I'm not 100% raw, not sure what percentage I am - don't care anymore, I just eat pretty healthy and the weight is coming off and I feel great! I eat a lot of salad greens, so as long as I'm doing that, I feel really really good.

- Michelle

Ok, back to what I've been up to this week. Monday I slept, relaxed, did laundry, filed paperwork, took the dogs for a walk, went to the gym, and tried to assimilate back to normal life after vacation (oh I get the post-vacation blues SO badly!). Tuesday I walked the dogs and went to the gym, and more of the same from Monday. Wednesday I sold my art at the Bentonville Brown Bag Concert Series on the downtown square, then had lunch at Pizza Hut (mom gave me gift cards there - I had the salad bar only, but did have some of those darn Club crackers I like so much). That evening, C. met me at my house and we went to dinner at Common Grounds before picking up my roommate AM. and another friend M. to go to a GLBT Poetry Slam at RZ's Coffee House on the University of Arkansas campus. The slam was amazing, and Andrea Gibson was the featured poet. What an awesomely-cool-way-political-even-more-intense-and-amazing-than-Ani-Difranco chic! Did I mention she just so happens to be hot hot hot, too?! I didn't walk the dogs OR go to the gym on Wednesday.

Today I woke up earlier than normal (even though I can't go to bed before 2 am, due to the increased adrenaline caused by my late night workouts). I did more stuff around the house and then went to Passages, a very cool new-agey store here in Fayetteville, to see if they wanted to consign some of my artwork. They do, and now I'm selling there!

Eating update - nothing new, eating really well, but eating a LOT and often!
Exercise update - doing excellent - walk the dogs a mile daily, walk 45 minutes on the treadmill, do 20-30 minutes of abs/arms work, then do 20 minutes in the sauna. Tonight I accomplished something wonderful! I jogged (at 4.5 mph) for 15 minutes, took a break, jogged another 15 minutes, took a break to do abs/arms work, and then got back on the treadmill and jogged another 15 minutes. I jogged for 45 minutes and sweated and felt excellent!

Night....

April 16, 2006

Friday night I went over to my friends' (K. and S.) house to hang out and watch "Spanglish," one of my favorite movies. I brought Wendy's over, because my mom gave me gift certificates to there for Easter. I got a side salad and a plain baked potato with a biggie iced tea. Saturday I took the dogs for a walk, worked on some of my photo notecards, then went to the gym to work out before going out. I got there at 4:15 pm thinking I'd have an hour and a half to work out. Turns out the gym was short-staffed, so they were closing at 5 pm (lame!), so I had only 30 minutes to workout and take a shower. I jogged at 4.7 mph with arm weights for 20 minutes straight (did 1.6 miles), then did the sauna for 10 minutes. Short but pretty good workout. My friends C. and S. picked up me and we went to Ruby Tuesday's for dinner and then we went to Pride Street Live for dancing. Got home this morning at 2 am. Tired tired tired. Was woken up at 10:05 this morning (too early after such a late night) by someone hammering outside my window. So far today, I've eaten at Ruby Tuesday's (yep again), worked on my photo notecards, and that's it. I plan to take the dogs for a walk, and then hopefully jogging around the neighborhood at some point, since my gym is closed for Easter (lame again!). Later this evening, C. and I are going to HOWL, a women's prose/poetry/singing thing that happens here once a month. (PS I'm extremely depressed the last few days. I've weaned completely off of my Celexa, and think it may have something to do with that...I think I'm also going through another wave of grief from the loss of my relationship. Going out so much and meeting so many people is surprisingly making me quite sad. It's really really hard to begin thinking of life not only without that person, but also to start thinking of life with someone else.)

April 17, 2006

Last night, my friend C. and I went to HOWL, a womens poetry/prose/singing event. It was amazing, I cried at the beautiful, emotional things I heard. There are some AMAZING writers in the world. It makes me want to write all that I think and feel in my head. I decided I am going to read at an upcoming Erotica event. I have something from a letter that I wrote a few months ago, and I'm going to take some of those parts and expound on it into an erotica piece. It'll be the first time I've ever read something to a group of people before. I keep trying to push the limits of my comfort levels in all areas of my life, this is another that I need to work on.

Anyway, I'm an emotional wreck right now. I researched withdrawal symptoms of coming off of Celexa. Looks like 35-40 pounds of weight gain is a normal amount for people on Celexa. Wow. Ok, so that makes me really happy, thinking that maybe I could lose 35-40 pounds in the coming months, since I'm no longer on Celexa. Some of the other symptoms are diarreah, vomiting, depression and extreme anger issues. The first two have not happened to me, but the depression and anger issues...definitely. It's kind of funny that depression is a withdrawal symptom - isn't that one of the main reasons people get on Celexa and any other anti-depression/anti-anxiety medication? It would only make sense that depression would rear its ugly head if you get off of the medication that works to alleviate it, eh?

Another issue I'm having is food cravings. I'm wanting pizza and BLTs and crap like that. I'm wanting cokes and ice cream cones and bags of Doritos. I won't go that far, but I have had a few things to help with my food needs. I had two Subway veggie patty wraps and two natural peanut butter and fruit preserve sandwiches (sprouted seed bread). I've also had some crackers with some of my restaurant salads. I'm eating and wanting to eat to mash some of the emotions that are coming up for me the last week. My energy has been low, I've been crying and wanting to do nothing. My workout today was minimal. I barely made it through 20 minutes of walking with arm weights at 3.8 mph. Then I barely made it through 100 ab exercises. Then I barely made it through 15 minutes of the sauna. I just couldn't do it. I wanted to, but it wasn't there. I was just sad, and lifeless. And now I'm watching "Crash" and I want to just cry more (actually I AM crying more). Shit, life sucks sometimes.

FYI It's day 12 off of all Western medicine...

PS I was absolutely mordified and disgusted by what I saw in the mirror while I was walking on the treadmill tonight at the gym. Then, when I was naked coming out of the shower, I was so happy with what I saw in the mirror. Now how frickin bizarre is that?

April 19, 2006

Having a really really really hard time right now. I'm crying and isolating. There are so many issues going on in my life right now, that I'm just not dealing well. I need to be better about taking my St. John's Wort and Maca to help with coming off of the Celexa.

I'm not eating poorly, minus the numerous pieces of sprouted seed bread with honey and the veggie patty wraps from Subway (along with a few bags of those fucking baked Lays). Other than those two items, I've been eating normal salad, plain baked potatoes and fruit stuff the last few days. I went to lunch with my friend R. yesterday at Golden Corral. It was delicious, but I overate big time, and had a tight stomach for hours afterwards.

Last night after CoDA, I went to the gym. I worked out hard - jogged 20 minutes, 30 minutes on ab/leg/arm exercises, and then did 20 minutes in the sauna. I felt wonderful and was pleased again when I looked in the mirror after my shower, but still hated what I saw when I was on the treadmill. That has got to be the most bizarre thing ever! Liking my body naked, and hating it clothed. What the hell?

Today I worked on my business stuff, took some pictures for a friend, then went by the vet to get some antibiotics for baby Suki. She has another urinary tract infection, poor thing. She started crying again yesterday whenever she'd pee. The vet was closed, and my Celexa-free attitude came up and I decided today would be a good day to switch vets to one in Fayetteville, to avoid future long drives to Rogers. So I found another vet, had records transferred and picked up the antibiotics there. Wasn't thrilled with this new vet either, but being a previous vet tech myself, for 4 different vets, I'll never be satisfied with a vet clinic. I took the pups for a walk at Gully Park after that and then used the rest of my Sonic gift card (Mom's Easter gifts) to get 2 orange juices before heading home.

I fully intended on working out tonight, as I feel like a bit of a bread-soaked cow, but instead got sucked into some more business work and never made it out of the house. I need not obsess if I miss a workout every so often. I just really like how I feel when I do get to push myself physically.

I want to take this moment to send my love and prayers to Annette, who has mentioned in her journal the difficult time she's going through right now.

Good quote:
"The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything."
– William Connor Magee

April 21, 2006

Yesterday I had another rough day. Took the dogs for a walk, went to lunch at Fuddrucker's on another Mom gift card, then went with a friend, M., to dinner. Afterwards we hung out watching "My Name is Earl" (LOVE that show) and "The Office" (not so much). Worked out late. Started my period. Shit, I just started it last month on 3/26. That means I'm on a 3 week cycle, blech! BUT I'm very happy to see that my terrible mood, my eating cravings AND my non-weight-loss (according to scales anyway) is a result of my PMS and not all me! Going to friends today to help them paint their pool so we can start swimming soon!!!! Can't wait (well I'm not looking forward to swimsuit season yet, but at least I feel better about my body now)....

April 23, 2006

All day Friday, I was at friends' (K. and S.) house painting their pool, getting it ready for summer swimming. I had an organic salad from Wal-Mart for lunch, nothing for breakfast, and then late on my way home, I picked up a veggie patty wrap from Subway. Didn't eat enough, but was busy outside all day long. Then yesterday, I went back to their house, picking up a baked potato and side salad from Fuddrucker's, to eat for lunch, again nothing for breakfast. We painted second and third coats on the pool all day and then just hung out outside by the big empty pool, looking at it longingly! I can't wait til water's in it next week and we can get in and play all day! I got some nice sun this weekend, but was careful to keep sunblock on for most of the weekend. We went to Fuddrucker's for dinner, after doing some quick shopping (for them) at the mall. I had a garden patty and side salad. Then we picked up the dogs and went back to their house to watch "Boys on the Side." It's been a good weekend for me. I was outside the whole weekend and focused on something other than myself for a change!

Below is the e-newsletter I sent out to From SAD to RAW subscribers today...

Dear From SAD to RAW Member,

Wow! It's been a while since I've sent out an E-Newsletter! A lot has changed for me since January 2004 when I first began my journey to a healthy, raw lifestyle. I've fallen off of high raw eating (July 2004 to the end of 2005) and have worked my way back to it (as of January 1, 2006). Things are going well now, though no journey is a piece of cake, so to speak, of course. I've gone from 310 pounds to my current weight of 243 pounds (and still goin'). Not bad, eh? I'll be updating my pictures this weekend, so be sure to check out the website for the latest!

For this e-newsletter, I decided to do a pictorial recipe preparation of something simple! Green Onion Dressing, from The Complete Book of Raw Foods. Every time I make this recipe, it doesn't last long around my house, and I'm sure it won't at yours either.

Click here for the step-by-step pictorial recipe preparation of Green OnionDressing
http://fromsadtoraw.com/Specials/GODPictorialRecipe.htm

Enjoy!

April 24, 2006

Haven't been eating much the last few days. Yesterday, I woke up around 10 am, and lazed around til I had to go to my monthly Northwest Arkansas Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered Community Center planning meeting at 2 pm. I stopped by the Coop on the way there and picked up a salad from the salad bar. They don't have olives or raisins on the bar anymore, which means my salad has changed - and I don't like it as much! The Coop is fricken cheap and they are pulling all of the "expensive" stuff off the salad bar and replacing it with inexpensive crap to fill people's plates at $6.99 a pound. I'm very irritated at them and am not going there 1/10 as much as I was. I went to the meeting and afterwards snacked on some roasted/salted peanuts, pretzels (non spelt, just the regular sticks), 1 gummy bear (just had to try one), a glass of water, and then a swig of lemonade (unfortunately not sugar free). I was actually full after that, even though I expected I'd want to eat on the way home. I took the dogs for a walk around the neighborhood then went to Arsaga's Coffee shop with a friend, C., to talk. It was hot outside and I didn't want anything hot to drink, so C. suggested Sport Tea, an iced tea drink, that was sort of lemony. Not my favorite, because it had flavor, but it worked. When I got home, I was hungry and wanted a baked potato, but didn't want to wait an hour for the oven, and the microwave wasn't plugged in and it would have been a mess to figure out how to get it plugged in (neither of us use microwaves, but A.M. brought hers home from her store, when she decided to close it down and move her business back home). So, I cut it up and added frozen Peking veggies and steamed them in my steamer. I added a bit of Annie's Honey Mustard dressing, since I was out of Annie's Goddess. I ate it, but wasn't happy with my dinner. I'm feeling very poopy and not hungry for anything lately.

Today my plan is to work on my business, and then I'm going to do some e-bay work for a friend. I haven't worked out since Thursday, so I will definitely be getting my ass to the gym, and I'll take the dogs for a walk. One exciting thing that happened yesterday was when I was trying to decide what to wear to coffee, and A.M. was helping critique my outfits. I finally had cleaned out my tshirt and lounge pants drawer and removed all 2XL tops and all 22-28 pants. I took them to the Community Center meeting to give to the person in charge of our upcoming benefit yard sale, so at least they went to a good cause. Anyway, so I was trying on XL tops and size 20 pants. A.M. kept telling me No, so I'd try on something else. I tried on a top that was a 14/16 with my pants and she said it was too big. I exclaimed that it's a 14/16! She said, doesn't matter, it's too big. I went and tried on another 14/16 and it fit a little better, and I ended up going with that outfit. She reminded me that I liked to wear things very baggy and now that I've lost weight, it's time to get comfortable wearing things that actually fit. It's frightening!!! Though I will say that on Saturday, I was very impressed with my self-confidence in wearing a tight tank top with fitted shorts to paint in at my friends' house. I have a hard time accepting my figure, my well-endowed figure, and do indeed usually cover it up. Guess it's true...it's time to start being ok, and maybe even pleased with the progress I've made. If it were solely up to me (and not my friends, like H. telling me "never to wear those baggy black pants again, even to work out"), I'd hide under baggy clothes until every last pound was gone.

Talk atcha later....

April 24, 2006 (addition)

I took my updated pictures today. There I am up there! I actually don't hate my picture this time. I definitely don't like the full-body shots yet, but my hair and skin are starting to show more shine and smoothness.

Today I went to lunch at Fuddrucker's for the end of my gift card. I got a baked potato and a side salad. The weirdest thing happened though as I ate. I didn't like it, any of it. I was mad at myself for putting honey mustard (which I normally LOVE) on my salad instead of the oil and vinegar I had on it the other night. That coupled with the fact that I just didn't have much of an appetite, meant that I only ate half of my meal. After this late lunch, I went to my friend R.'s house to help her sell some of her household belongings, since she's moving to DC in a few months. She made us baked sweet potatoes, and I ate a whole one. It wasn't that I was hungry, but it was really really good, and I felt I needed some nutrition.

After my visit, I took the dogs for a walk at Gully Park, then went to the Coop to get some maple syrup. I decided today that I want to do the Master Cleanse. I haven't had as much of an appetite as I have had recently, and I'm feeling a need to, oh I don't know, simplify things. I also have to admit that the number on the scale STILL is bothering me, and I am hopeful that doing the cleanse, for as long as I am able, will help in that area. I looked at my calendar for the next 2 weeks, and it looks like this Wednesday is the only day I will not stay on the cleanse. So I will begin tonight, go until noon on Wednesday, and then start again Thursday morning, and try to go for 10 days after that. I am not putting pressure on myself, though. I'll go as long as I'm able, and be pleased with however long that ends up being.

PS I drank my first huge glass tonight. Guess how I already screwed up? I juiced 3 lemons in my Champion Juicer, added 12 tbl of maple syrup and 1 tsp of cayenne pepper (freshley ground from dried cayenne). I added all of this to 72 ounces of filtered water. Ok, so where did I go wrong? Well, I accidentally multiplied the 1/10 tsp cayenne by 12 instead of 6, doi!!! So it was HOT HOT HOT!!! I watered it down a bit, but holy cow, I'm gonna be dying with this first batch. I made enough to last me through tomorrow, I think, but next time I make some, I HAVE to pay attention. Doubling the batch would have been easier on my math equations, but certainly wouldn't have lasted me very long.

Now, I'm heading to the gym for the first time since Thursday! Gotta get my ass back on the treadmill. I can already feel the lack of exercise!

April 25, 2006

Check out the side-by-side picture below - same exact scale number, but look how radically different I look in 2004 at 243, than now in 2006 at 243. I think it's the amount of exercise I'm doing and the dry saunas, but I don't know. (Granted, Boni had broken up with me 3 weeks before that, so maybe my sadness just REALLY reflects in the pictures)....

So, here I am 24 hours into the Master Cleanse. I'm obsessing over food. How funny. Yesterday I could have cared less about food, now that I "can't" have any, I can't stop thinking about it. Every tv commercial is for Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, or Hot Pockets. Every tv show has someone eating Fruit Loops, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, bags of Doritos. And upstairs, my roommate and her family are having four-cheese Totino's pizza, no!!!!! It smelled so good as I walked through the house, from my zillionth trip to pee, that I almost tripped over myself trying to simultaneously inhale every possible aroma of the amazing-looking junk food, and hold my breath so I didn't even get one wiff. I opened up my pantry as I left the kitchen, and actually considered shoving a mason jar of dry roasted sunflower seeds down my throat.

So, as for how I'm feeling physically...I'm very tired (though that could also be because I donated plasma today), I'm pissed off that I "can't" eat a salad (how funny, I'd give anything for a salad right now), my stomach is growling, and I'm peeing like a race horse (it's completely clear now). My breath also seems icky to me, and I've brushed and flossed twice today (I'm obsessive about fresh breath, so today killed me). Ok, now for a tad bit of graphic. I've had 3 BMs today and all three have had the most bizarre lemony-rubbery smell, like I'm in a Lysol factory or something. Gross! But more importantly, weird!!!

I went to the Coop today and bought some Senna Herbs to make herbal laxative tea, which is recommended by The Master Cleanse. The other thing that is recommended is to do a salt water flush each morning, but I'm definitely NOT ready to do that...maybe next week I'll get up the nerve...or not.

Tomorrow I'm going to my monthly Women in Networking meeting at Embassy Suites. I'm having lunch, which means I'll be off the cleanse. I'm then going to a friend's house for dinner and a movie, so I'll be off the cleanse then too. Plan is to have the Master Cleanse tomorrow until 11:30 am when I have lunch. Then I will have the Master Cleanse in the afternoon until I go to dinner (she's making Lemon Pepper veggies and salad, since she knows I'm a healthy eater). Then when I get home from dinner, if I'm needing something, I'll be back on the Master Cleanse...and then I'll go for as long as I can - goal being 10 days.

I don't want to go into it too much, because I don't want to give energy to it, but my roommate royally yelled at me today, when I bounded into her bedroom with news of a 5 pound weight loss since yesterday. She went off on me about how I'm developing an eating disorder (to which I responded I already have an eating disorder), and that this cleanse is just another way for me to lose more weight, and be obessed over the scale number. She was telling me about how lemons and maple syrup do not have any nutritional value, and when I said people have cleaned out liver and kidney stones on this cleanse, she completely refuted it, saying, "You're smarter than this, Michelle." (I'm always quick to let people know I do NOT know the nutritional facts and medical science behind most of what I do.) I let her yell at me, while wimpily (no, that's not a real word) trying to defend myself. I finally said I wouldn't tell her any more about my weight or my cleanse or anything. Didn't really solve anything, but I was pissed off. I wanted to say something back about the pizza and coke and other crap that her and her family eat on a regular basis...and that my 10-day Master Cleanse following months of very healthy vegetarian and mostly vegan eating can not possibly be as "bad," but I rarely argue about my dietary lifestyle choices (kinda like how I rarely argue about my sexual orientation lifestyle choices - does absolutely no good, people feel what they feel, think what they think). Oh well, guess I'll stick to myself on this part of my journey.

April 26, 2006

Today, I went to my monthly WIN (Women in Networking) lunch meeting today at Embassy Suites. I woke up late, snoozed the alarm for 2 hours. I had been debating all night about going to eat at this luncheon, whether I should just drive up there (it's a 35 minute drive) and drop off the door prize (I volunteered to do a door prize for this month's meeting, so I made a gift box of a jewelry set - earrings, ring, bracelet, and necklace, and one of my photo notecards), and leave, so I could stay on the cleanse until at least dinner with my friend...or if I should stay and participate in the meeting, and just eat healthy. Once I got there, I realized I really wanted to stay thinking it would be too good of a networking opportunity for me to miss out. I went through the buffet line and got a huge plate of spring mix lettuce, 6 black olives, 4 cucumber slices, and then asked one of the waiters to bring me some oil and vinegar. They brought me too cups, one of oil and one of vinegar - I smelled them and thought they smelled strange, but proceeded through the line. I got a huge plate of steamed veggies too and went to sit down and eat. I put the oil and vinegar on the salad and tried to eat it but it was disgusting. I took a few bites and went back through the line to reluctantly add some French dressing to it. I sat back down, tried another two bites and gave up completely, eating the 6 olives and 1 cucumber slice. I sent the salad plate away and focused on the veggie plate. I didn't like the squash or the zucchini, so I ended up eating all of the carrots, and a few bites of cauliflower. I drank iced tea with lunch, refilling my glass a few times.

After lunch, I ran errands - the post office, Bedford Camera to pick up some of my photos, and Cingular (you won't believe the luck I've had this year with cell phones! the other night I put my cell phone in the cup holder on the treadmill at the gym, went to get arm weights and when I came back I looked at my phone and found it sitting in a pool of water that someone obviously spilled and didn't clean up. the phone was completely dead and even after airing it out over night it was dead for real - so I had to order another one - argh - $50 wasted!).

This evening I went with C. up to one of our Community Center friend's house to drop off stuff for the garage sale. Then we went to dinner at A Taste of Thai. I looked longingly at the menu, considering brown rice, veggie summer rolls, or mixed veggies in bean sauce, but settled on what I knew would be best for me - a huge bowl of veggie soup - which is just veggie broth and cut up mixed veggies. I ate about 2/3 of it, enjoying it immensely, but noticing that it was super spicy to me. I also had iced tea. I was stuffed afterwards, but was really craving some mango. I passed and we left and went to Sam's Club so I could buy some folding tables for the Farmer's Market, at which I'll be selling my art starting this Saturday. On the way home, I started feeling super nauseous, like I was going to throw up. I couldn't believe that I was having that reaction and just rode it out. It was better by the time I got to the gym. I set the treadmill for 20 minutes, but after 5 minutes (jogging at 5.0 mph) I got a phone call and got off the machine to call her back. We talked for 25 minutes and then I went and got back on. I was really wanting to jog for 20 minutes. I set timer for 18 minutes and started jogging again (again at 5.0 mph). I only made it about 10 more minutes, then I walked at 4.0 mph for 5 minutes, and jogged for the last 3 minutes. I did a cool down for 3 minutes at 3.5 mph. I did 25 minutes of ab crunches, arm weights and leg squats. Before I headed to the sauna, I decided to weigh in. I was very pleased, even after eating two meals today, that my weight is now 235.5.

Back to the Master Cleanse in the morning. (My stomach is growling tonight, but I'm tired and just want to go to bed instead of drinking any of the Cleanse drink.)

In case some of you are interested in learning what this cleanse is that I'm doing, click here for the full ebook version of The Master Cleanse.

Here's a great quote for me on this cleanse portion of my journey....

"If you must begin then go all the way, because if you begin and quit, the unfinished business you have left behind begins to haunt you all the time."
- Chogyam Trungpa

Weight: 235.5 pounds

April 27, 2006

I'm tired, tired, tired. I'm soooo tired. I can barely keep my eyes open. It probably didn't help that I went and did another plasma donation today, but I'm 100% sure the main issue is this cleanse. I stayed on it today and I'm going to have to crash here in just a minute, but I did lose another 3 pounds. I'm now at 232. I didn't go to the gym tonight; I have absolutely no energy and my body is very achey. I have so much work to do, but I just can't do anything. I met a friend for tea and some website business in Springdale today, but other than that I've done nothing...nothing. I planned to work on e-commerce for my www.isleofinnis.com website, but didn't get further than talking about it with my roommate. I felt close to giving in today and going to get something to eat, but I didn't. It's really hard, and I'm sorta moody...ok pretty moody, actually. My back is killing me, my knees are hurting, I feel like I've been beat up. Going to bed right now.

Weight: 232 pounds

April 28, 2006

Woke up feeling less achey and tired. Still achey and tired, but not as bad, that's for sure. I'm going to drink more of the Cleanse drink today. I know I didn't drink enough yesterday, but it's hard to drink the same thing over and over, all day and night long...especially when what I'm wanting is a huge cheese pizza! I forgot to mention that I did take the dogs on a mile and a half walk yesterday, so I did exercise, just not the typical gym workout I'm used to. The walk nearly killed me though, and I felt like I was carrying 20 pound weights on each ankle. I was super low energy on that walk. Also, I felt nauseous one more time yesterday late afternoon. I was upstairs and my roommate was making her lunch. I was getting a glass of the Cleanse drink and we were talking in the kitchen. It hit me fast and I went downstairs and laid on the bed for a few minutes. It went away, but it's a pretty intense feeling. I also wanted to mention that surprisingly I haven't had any headaches, which I thought I'd have, considering I've only had iced tea one day during this whole process (started Tuesday evening, the 24th). I'm really glad to see that, as I was afraid the lack of caffeine would give me ill effects.

I wasn't hungry today, which is good. I only had 1 BM yesterday, and didn't drink tea yesterday morning or last night, so this morning, I drank a cup of the Senna tea. It's disgusting. I'm very used to my creamy soy-honey-earl grey type teas. Oh well, I chugged it and got it down. Hour later...nothing yet. Guess it will work or it won't. Anyway, I just got another glass of Cleanse drink and am working my way through that. I can't fathom that I'll still be doing this next week. It's incomprehensible to me to think about not eating anything for the next however many days I make it. Then again, I'm petrified to think about going off of it, for fear of eating something horrid like pizza or chips and queso or Cheetos. I'm already planning for the day when I do go off of it. I'll buy oranges and have orange juice the first two days, then the third day I'll start with oj and move into a fruit salad for lunch, then salad for dinner...and then back to my normal eating. Orange juice is going to taste like heaven. This spicy drink, though I do enjoy lemonade, is just too darn spicy for me. I don't like how it irritates my throat.

Later...I've had two trips to the bathroom this afternoon which resulted in diarrheah and a lot of mucous. Ugh, I'm totally freaked every time I know I have to go now...scared to look in the toilet to see what will be in there. I'm completely petrified that I'm going to see a tapeworm or some stone or something. I don't even know anything about that stuff, and don't know what comes out of where (haha, yea I'm an average American I'd say), but regardless, I'm scared to look, but the curiousity kills me. I swear the last time I went today I thought I was peeing, but it all came out of my butt! Oh my gosh, I can not believe I'm actually writing this stuff, how graphic and so un-femme of me, but I know the last time I wrote about something I tried for the first time (colonics), my email inbox went crazy with appreciation for my honesty and graphic detail, so I guess I have to do it again this time.

Anyway, my stomach is way upset, and the last thing I read about the Cleanse said if your stomach is upset, it's because you have stuff in there that needs to come out, so I'm definitely gonna drink the nasty Senna tea each evening and morning to help it move through. I just can't even stomach the idea of the salt water flush, so the tea will have to do. Even though it took many hours to work, it definitely helped today!

I'm doing much better today emotionally and physically. I'm selling my photography and jewelry at the Bentonville Farmers Market tomorrow and have to be set up by 6:30 am, so I think I'm going to pass on working out again tonight, so I can get ready and get to bed at a decent time. It rained (and even hailed pea sized hail) all day today, so I didn't get to take the dogs for a walk, which means I got absolutely no exercise today. Maybe I'll get my exercise ball out and do some ab work or do a set of the Body Flex DVD, since I have a large space open in my bedroom.

Good quote....
"Our real blessings often appear to us in the shape of pains, losses and disappointments, but let us have patience and we soon shall see them in their proper figures."
– Joseph Addison

April 30, 2006

I broke the Cleanse. Last night, I was going insane. My back was killing me...KILLING me (pain like I've never felt before). The diarreah was out of control, my butt hurt, and I was freaked out by the contents of the toilet bowl!! I was moody, angry, bitchy, depressed, and fricking emotionally starving! I first thought I'd just have a bowl of vegetable broth. I ate that, and then just lost it. I was crying and became an emotional basketcase to my roommate. I sat upstairs on the floor with her and she did a card reading with me. I felt better afterwards, but made the decision to stop the Cleanse. I lost 11 pounds during the cleanse. Glad for that, but I just felt too shitty to continue. I read a few things that said everything I experienced was normal (click here to read a thread someone sent me on the topic), but I didn't care. I couldn't take it anymore. I thoroughly admire people who can make it ten days, wow! I made it 5 days - technically 1 day during the middle of that I ate a few bites of salad, a plate of carrots and a bowl of veggie broth with veggies, but I still consider I made it 5 days, which is a major accomplishment for me, considering I've never done a fast or a cleanse before. Maybe one day I'll try it again, but for now, I'm going to go back to healthy eating.

Ok, let's see, so after the bowl of veggie broth and emotional breakdown, I left the house and went out to really break the fast. I knew I shouldn't, but decided to go get guacamole and corn tortillas. Yea, probably not so smart, but I did it. I went to Acambaro and ordered a large guacamole salad with corn tortillas and an iced tea. I ate 4 tortillas with the guacamole, but got too stuffed and didn't finish all of the salad. I felt so full and very sick, but I figured I had to deal with the consequences of breaking the fast in such a wrong way. I went home and was getting ready to crash from such an emotionally charged day....when I got text messages from two different friends asking if I wanted to go to the club to go dancing...I decided to go. Had a good time, danced the guacamole salad and tortillas off, and then went back to one of the girls' house to hang out with some friends.

Got home after 3 am this morning and slept in until noon, when my roommate knocked on my door to talk. I got up, talked with her a bit, then took the dogs for a nice long walk. After the walk, I headed to the gym and had a pretty good workout. The guy working at the gym commented that I'm really dedicated, that he sees me there every single day, and how great that is. It was so nice to hear! Anyway, I walked for 30 minutes with arm weights at 4.0 mph (walked 2 miles), then did 20 minutes of arm/leg/ab exercises in the aerobics room. I headed to the sauna, but someone had forgotten to turn it on, so it was 90 degrees instead of 180 degrees. I was very irritated, and just took a shower, knowing I wouldn't have time to wait with the gym closing early on Sundays.

As for the rest of today, I've been working on the computer, snuggling with the dogs every so often, and eating like crazy. I drank 2 quarts of orange juice, had some dry roasted peanuts and raisins, a banana with peanut butter and raisins, a bowl of vegan vegetable soup, some of a baked sweet potato, a bowl of vegan minestrone soup, several glasses of water, and a few strawberries. I'm totally stuffed, but couldn't stop eating. Oh boy, guess the point of a cleanse is NOT to come off it like a mad woman!!!

Can I just say I'm happy to be back among the living? I felt like such a fricking psycho this last week!

Weight: 232 pounds

May 2, 2006

I've been really having a rough time lately. I feel so up in the air about every area of my life - love, career, living situation, friendships...it's all so unstable and I hate it!

Dating is just crazy to me - I do not know what I want, nor can I figure out what others want. I said I wanted to date, and not jump into a relationship like I've done the last 15 years of my life, but I also didn't realize just how difficult dating really is.

Career, sheez, I don't know what the hell I want to do there. I mean a part of me wants to really make this art thing work, but then it's definitely not bringing in the money that I was used to, which means I've had to get used to a different way of living. Another part of me says go get another Marketing job and just do the 8 to 5 thing. Then another part of me says go be a waitress or deliver pizzas to make money but keep the flexibility and freedom that I have away from the corporate world. I don't know!!!

Then the living situation...I mean it's been fine renting a part of a house from someone, but honestly this isn't really ideal for me. I needed a safe, healthy place to go when my relationship ended, but I'm not sure it's suiting me anymore. I mean my roommate has a baby, a pre-teen son, and an on-again-off-again-husband-now-ex-husband-but-still-on-again-off-again-relationship. It's kinda not my thing to be living with a family. I have my space, but I also share space with them - the bathroom and kitchen - so I don't really feel like it's home for me. It also doesn't seem ideal for my dogs - there's not a fenced yard, so when I do let them out in the garden area outside of my bedroom, which leads to the backyard, I have to keep an eye on them, and they seem to bark more here with so many neighbors around.

Then friendships - oy, I don't know about that one. My friendships all seem to have these bizarre cycles --- they are going fine, actually we get really close, then something happens and it all falls apart. I swear if my friendships are any indication of the types of relationships I'm going to be having, I'm not looking forward to it. Too many ups and downs for me.

I need stability in EVERY area of my life, and I just don't have it. Some days I want to click my heels and go back to May 2003, when I moved to Northwest Arkansas, had a stable job that paid well, had a stable relationship, a happy home, was doing well, whatever the hell that means. Then again, I'd be 70 pounds heavier and eating a crappy vegetarian diet too. I don't know. I guess I'm just really really confused right now. If any of you have seen Season 3 of L Word, these days I'm feeling like Bette when she went crazy at the Buddhist retreat and was crying, "I Want! I Want! I Want! I Want!" But I don't know what it is that I want. I guess I just want to be happy, and I'm not there right now. And it's killing me.

As for eating, I'm back to my normal eating, not as many salads as I'd like, but lots of fruit and juice, and surprisingly water. I almost went to Chick-Fil-A last night for a gallon of tea, but I decided I'd try to wait a little longer before getting back on the tea thing. Maybe I can curb it more now that I've gone through 5 days with such little consumption. I don't want to drink it as much as I did, but I do miss it.

I took the dogs for a nice long walk yesterday afternoon. I went around 5:30, which meant we were out with every other dog-walker...all those people must walk their dogs after they get home from work. I forget what it's like to not be at home all day. I kind of miss the work day. I miss the employee banter, the stability of knowing where my next paycheck would be...Argh, going off another career tangent, sorry...

Anyway, so last night I almost went to bed instead of going to the gym, but changed my mind at the last minute. I'm just too depressed to not be working off some of these emotions. So I had a great workout, but the scale freaked me out, saying I'd gained 5 pounds (237), so I doubled my normal workout --- well sort of. I did 30 minutes on the treadmill with arm weights at 4.0 mph (2 miles), then did 30 minutes of arms/legs/abs exercises, then got back on the treadmill for another 15 minutes without arm weights at 4.0 mph, running for a few minutes during that cycle. Then I did the sauna for 20 minutes. I got out and still was feeling like a cow, so I rested and cooled down, then got back in for 10 more minutes. I was really pleased with how my arms and sides are looking, and even my stomach, but I still am ruled by that scale.

I'm still depressed today and plan to take the dogs for a long walk, then go work on some of my Step Study workbook materials for tonight's CoDA meeting. I don't want to get back on my anti-depression medication, but I really don't know how much longer I can take feeling so blue all the time. I am really considering that I might need to go get a J.O.B. to regulate my finances, which would probably help. I also am feeling like a loser not having a job, like 99% of the rest of America (or whatever the percentage of working Americans is).?

PS They weighed me today at the Plasma center and the number is 234. I guess I have to accept that the number will fluctuate 3-5 pounds depending on the scale, the time of day I weigh, what I've eaten, etc. I know, I know, everyone and their mother has told me to quit weighing, but I just can't!

May 3, 2006

Last night I went to my CoDA meeting. I met up with my CoDA friends before the meeting at Subway. I had a veggie patty wrap and a bag of the baked Lays (yep, I did, I love that meal!). We had a great meeting - we decided to enjoy the beautiful weather and had our meeting outside the church on the lawn. I felt much better about life after listening to my fellow codependent peers - I'm so glad I'm not alone in my codependent crazies! I went to the gym after the meeting and had a great workout - the scale is not my friend, and I almost avoided talking to it tonight, but weighed at the last minute. It's once again going in the wrong direction, but I tried not to let it get to me tonight. I know I'm eating pretty well and working out like a fiend. I did 30 minutes on the treadmill with arm weights at 4.0 mph, then did 30 minutes of arm/leg/ab exercises, and 20 minutes in the sauna. I was really tired, and actually fell asleep a little bit in the sauna. I need to take better care of myself and stop beating myself up so much...that I do know. I think everyone is getting sick and tired of hearing me bitch and moan about how screwed up my life is and how pathetic I feel all the time. I know I am.

Today, I ate a lot and thought about food obsessively. I woke up wanting a salad wrap. I had had a veggie wrap at Subway last night, so I guess I wanted more. I bought a package of those yummy Sundried Tomato Basil Garden Wrap tortillas last night at the grocery store, and two packs of salad mix and a new bottle of Annie's Goddess Dressing. Now I can't stop eating them. I finished off the pack of 6 tortillas within 24 hours. I made wraps that most of you will think is so disgusting, but I loved them! I put salad mix, carrots, sweet gherkins, dry roasted peanuts and Annie's Goddess Dressing. Then on some I did the exact same thing, but added hummus that I bought at the Coop this afternoon. I couldn't stop eating them! That's pretty much all I've eaten the last 24 hours. I had 1 last night, 2 this morning before I met a friend at Arsaga's Coffee House, then 2 when I got home, and another this evening. In between those wraps, I ate several chocolate dipped strawberries (raw cacao ground up with coconut oil and almond abstract). I also snacked on VitaSpelt pretzels. I don't have a good concept of whether what all I ate was a ton of bad food, or not so bad. I mean I definitely don't feel as light as I have in days past. Oh hell, I just realized I ate more. I had 2 cups of decaf coffee at the coffee shop with honey and soy milk, and then I had a small hummus wrap from there while I worked on the computer. Then I went to Chick-Fil-A and bought a gallon of unsweet tea, and drank two glasses of that during the day. I guess I did pig out today. It's like tortillas are calling my name! Everything I eat has to be able to go into a tortilla. I better be careful!

I went to the gym super late tonight, like almost midnight. I walked for 30 minutes with arm weights at 4.0 mph. But this time I put the incline at 1.5 - 2.0 for the entire time. I didn't feel like doing arm/ab/leg exercises, so I went straight to the sauna. I made it only 18 minutes, and that was hard as hell! I feel like I've got a cooked crazy person in my head right now. I mean at least I didn't go crazy and get pizza or Mexican or anything, but I really really am thinking about food...a lot!

PS I was NOT happy with how I looked in any mirror in any way today or tonight. Yuck!

May 4, 2006

I overslept today and then spent most of the day working on my website (not this one, the other one). I had a whole canteloupe for breakfast, but it was yucky - fibrousy and not tasty at all! For lunch I had a salad and a can of vegan fire-roasted southwestern veggie soup. Then I ate a bunch of chocolate-dipped strawberries. I put some banana and strawberry slices in the dehydrator, since they were all starting to go bad (haven't been craving bananas, and the strawberries weren't very good this week).

This evening, I took myself to Atlanta Bread Company to have dinner and work on my laptop. I should have known myself better. I should have known I couldn't go to Atlanta Bread and not eat bread. I got a salad and a bowl of roasted red pepper soup. It came with two rolls, and I ate them both. As I worked, I watched people going to the bakery and getting dessert. I wanted dessert. I thought about it, but not long enough obviously, because I went up and got a cookie. Dammit. I can not go to to Atlanta Bread for a while. It seems as though my plan of doing the Cleanse and then not wanting cooked crap has not worked as well as I'd hoped...at all actually. Seems I can't stop thinking about bready type foods.

After I worked for a few hours, I went to the gym. I was feeling the bread, big-time. I did 28 minutes on the treadmill, some jogging, some walking at a higher incline than normal, all of it with 3 pound arm weights. Did 2 miles, then got off quickly, when I saw a girl heading to the aerobics room, whom I'd watched doing arm/ab/leg exercises last night. I had watched her last night as I did my own exercises, because she was super determined. She had worked her ass off on the elyptical machines, and her body was very muscular and toned, like I want mine. I watched her kick her own butt in the aerobics room and wished I could work out along side her, for motivation and just general camaraderie. Tonight, I decided to be brave and a little bold and as she walked by the treadmill, I asked, "Are you going to work on abs?" She said, "yes," and I proceeded with, "Do you mind if I join you?" I felt a little strange, but she seemed fine with it, so I followed her into the aerobics room and got all the appropriate equipment out. We talked for a few minutes about what we'd be doing, and then jumped in. It was a super ab workout, and it was soooo nice to workout with someone who wanted to be fit as badly as I do. She was very nice, and I found out that she's 21, and has been working out like this since she was 18, when she had a weight issue. She's lost over 40 pounds, and eats an all-organic diet (not vegetarian, but healthy, organic). I have to admit I was a little surprised that she was so well-educated/informed/mature for only being 21 years old (one of the women who was recently interested in going out with me is 22 and one of my issues with not going out with her is her age - guess I shouldn't be so quick to judge people on a number). I digress. After our workout, we talked for another 20 minutes or so about diet, weight, scales, exercise, metabolism, etc. It was so nice, and she said it would be fine for me to work out with her whenever we're both at the gym. It's cool, too, because she usually goes in the evenings, when I go.

(I did not weigh this evening, and I'm going to stop weighing for a while. It's depressing me waaaaaay too much, and I have to stop obsessing, and just do the best I can with eating choices and exercising.)

May 7, 2006

I was sick all day Friday. Stayed home the whole day besides one trip out to Acambaro to get guacamole salad and tortillas. Still fighting the bread cravings big time. Went to bed early Friday night because I had the Farmers Market early early Saturday morning.

Saturday, still fighting a cold and sore throat, but refusing to take any medicine, other than 1/2 gallon of orange juice, I was up at 3 am and set up in Bentonville by 6:30 am, when the Market opened. While I was there I bought three plain rolls and 3 cheese rolls from the local bakery vendor. I can not believe I ate 6 rolls during my 6 hour stay at the Market. What is wrong with me!!! (Actually I was emotionally eating because there were several incidents that happened that day that really threw me and I was a bit stressed out.) I drank 1/4 gallon of orange juice too, initially intending THAT to be my food, but it ended up merely washing down the flour I ingested all morning long! It rained most of the whole time I was there, so needless to say, it wasn't a profitable day for me, at all. I got Subway on the way home - veggie patty wrap with baked lays (I'm addicted again to the "sandwich and chip" mentality that most Americans have).

I came home and unloaded a few things then went to the gym around 3 pm. I decided to be "good" like K, the girl I worked out with a few days earlier, and I set the treadmill to 45 minutes, at 4.0 mph with 3 pound arm weights at an incline of 2. Three minutes into my workout, K showed up and she said she'd do 45 minutes too (except on the elyptical machine - she's amazing!) and then we could work out together in the aerobics room. I was so pleased with myself for doing the full 45 minutes, though the last 5 minutes, I took the speed down a bit to cool down. We did our "normal" abs workout and had she not been there I know I would have quit 30% into it. It was tough, but I felt super afterwards. I sauntered past the scale, continuing to refuse to fall prey to its devilish hold on me (seriously, that sounds dramatic, but that's how it feels). I did the sauna for 18 minutes - 8 minutes more than this buff young guy that came in after and left before I did. That was quite affirming considering I used to be the one who could only stand it for 8-10 minutes before I bailed out!

I took my shower and headed home to pick up the dogs to head back to Bentonville to C's house to watch "The Interpretor" with her and her dogs (I got the same Subway meal AGAIN on the way). My dogs and her dogs were introduced for the first time and it didn't go quite as well as I'd hoped. My dogs were feeling mighty protective of me, scared to be in a new environment, and definitely wigged out by her three very rambunctious dogs. Probably won't try that again any time soon. I got home around 1 in the morning and crashed, sleeping in until 1 pm this afternoon! I guess my body needed the rest to try to recouperate from this cold.

So, working out is going well, eating is not. I will say one thing. The more bready stuff I eat (I had popcorn at C's house, then I got 2 huge flour tortillas at Taco Bell on the way home), the more I want. It's not like with salads, veggies and fruits - the more I eat of those, the less hungry I am. Logic being --- my body needs MORE of the crap in order to weed through it for some sort of nutrition, it needs less of the salads and such, because it can use all of it. Duh, Michelle. Now stop giving your body crap. Right now. Ok, I'm going to work hard today and the next few days to stop the bread madness. (I also can't stand the fact that I do these great workouts and then throw away the hard work by eating bread and crap. Whereas if I workout hard, then eat good food, my weight and body size goes down much easier. Why is it so difficult to make the leap from logic to action?)

May 10, 2006

I'm not doing so well emotionally right now. Went to my 12 step meeting tonight and cried the whole way through it. I don't really want to journal right now. Want to eat everything in sight though, that's for sure. Working hard to stop some self-destructive behaviors that I've been doing. I'm gonna just give myself a break right now and not journal all that I'm feeling. Don't want to reiterate it too much. Going to my CoDA meeting and going to the gym tonight helped though.

May 22, 2006

It's been a week since I've posted. Things are better. I'm on 20 mg Celexa, since last Tuesday. Dealing with things better. It's crazy how much more stable I can be on this medication.

I've only worked out once though in the last week. I hope to get my motivation back. I've been working on my website, walking the dogs, and cleaning out my house.

Friday night I went out with friends M and L to Tangerine's. We played pool and danced til 2 am.

Saturday I took the dogs for a walk at Gully Park after running by the vet to pick up their heartworm medication. Then I went swimming the rest of the afternoon until 8 pm at some friends house. I went out to the clubs again with my friends M and L. We started at Tangerine's, then went to Pride Street Live, then back to Tangerine's, and we finally ended up at Common Grounds.

Sunday, my friends M, L, and R and I all went up north to the Community Center picnic. We spent most of the afternoon there with about 45 other people, eating cookout foods - I had several glasses of iced tea, a boca burger on typical white bread buns with lettuce, tomato, pickles, mustard, mustard potato salad, veggie baked beans, and 5 layer vegan dip with non-healthy tortilla chips.

Today I worked on the website, ran a few errands, took the dogs for a walk, went to the OA 12 step meeting, then my friend C called to go out for coffee. We went to Arsaga's for a couple of hours, then went back to her house for a while. Now I'm home trying to get caught up on emails.

Tomorrow I definitely plan to work out! I actually had every intention to work out tonight, but was with C the whole evening, and now I'm tired.

May 13, 2006

Life's better. Or maybe I'm handling life better. Anyway, on the 10th, when I sorta hit bottom, I started my regime of Maca, MSM, B12, Multi-Vitamin, and St. John's Wort. Now it's late on the 13th and it's all been working. I feel much better about things. No, life's NOT perfect, no, I'm not thrilled with my life right now, but I'm at least dealing with it all in a less hopeless manner. (I also talked on the phone for a while to someone who knows me and helped me not feel so crazy and depressed - thanks B.)

Wednesday night I went out to eat with a friend I hadn't seen in a month. It felt good to reconnect. I've been feeling like I've been isolating from people I care about and who seemingly care about me.

Thursday evening I spent time by myself.

Friday I worked all morning until 1 pm at the GLBT Community Center benefit garage sale we were having in Rogers. I donated plasma in the afternoon, then Friday night I met two of the girls from the Community Center at Sam's to buy things for my L Word Marathon on Saturday night. Then I went with one of the girls up north to Bentonville to meet two other women on the Square. One of those women were playing her guitar and singing at Pickin' On the Square, a Friday night ritual of people who play folky Ozark mountainy music. It's so neat to see these people playing. They're all very good and passionate about it. (While there, I ran into someone else I hadn't see in months, so that was nice.) C. and I left for a while and then met up with the two girls, after they were done "pickin," for a late dinner at Denny's. I was being open to eating there because that's where her friends wanted to eat, but I was concerned by all of the trigger foods. While we were waiting for the girls to show up, we both ordered a side of grits (mine without butter, hers with). Then when they arrived, we ordered, but because we were there soooo long waiting for them, the waitress came back over and said the menu had changed to the overnight menu and we'd have to look at the menu again and reorder. I had ordered a boca burger, no bread, with lettuce, tomato and pickles with a plain baked potato. The overnight menu was NOT good for me. No grits, no boca burgers, no baked potatoes, no nothin! I ended up ordering a side salad, minus the cheese, croutons, etc. So I got a large plate of lettuce, tomatoes and cucumbers. I sprinkled pepper on it, drizzled honey mustard and ate slowly and deliberately, to avoid looking at everyone else's hashbrowns, french fries, omelettes, french toast, etc. I have to say though, worse than being around all the fried, drenched yummy looking crap cooked food, was the cigarette smoke I endured because we sat in the smoking section (Bentonville is not smoke-free yet, as Fayetteville is). Got home late and crashed. I did not like how I felt being in such an enclosed smoky area. Paid for it too this morning.

Woke up today and got things ready for the L Word Marathon tonight (I'm coordinating the 6-month long event). Didn't have too much time for other things, like working out, which I haven't done since Tuesday, so I just took the dogs for a walk. While we were on our walk, I ran into an old co-worker of mine. I looked like total shit, because I hadn't had a shower from getting home late last night and I was in dirty clothes, my hair was pulled back and my face hadn't been washed. I hate that! Of course, I rarely see people I know, and when I do, I look like crap. Figures. She probably couldn't even tell I'd lost nearly 30 pounds since I quit back at the end of February, because I was wearing baggy pants and a blech tshirt. I hate that. I want my hard work to show!

A friend, M., came over at 4:20 and we went to pick up another friend, R., by 4:30, to be in Bentonville by 5:00 pm to meet C. at the Apartments Clubhouse for the L Word Marathon. On the way, we picked up ice and Subway for my dinner. I got a veggie patty wrap, this time no chips or drink. During the course of the evening, I had my sub, 3 bottles of water, a Nature Valley peanut butter granola bar, and a snack-size bag of popcorn. I was starving and could have eaten all of that twice. (For lunch today at home, I had a nice salad and a bowl of Amy's fire roasted southwestern veggie soup. For breakfast I had two pieces of wheat toast with honey.)

I could have gone to the club tonight, but had had a really nice time with people at the Marathon and just wanted to go home and relax. Tomorrow I'm going back over to the Garage Sale to work, so I need to get some rest. I'm planning to get myself to the gym tomorrow before they close at 6:00 and I also want to take the dogs for another walk. They've been very good and so lovey lately.

Oh, I got these recommendations by two different readers this week. I've checked out the first bulimia blog, very good stuff. It's so good to see people talking about eating disorders in such an honest way.

Blogs on Bulimia sent to me by a reader

http://onbulimia.blogs.com/ and http://transcendbulimia.com/

Books recommended by another reader:
Suzie Orbach's "Fat is a Feminist Issue" and Louise Roche's "Glutton for Punishment" (helped this reader to understand, and recover, from obsessive, compulsive overeating)

May 16, 2006

Quick update - Sunday slept in until 9:00 then went up north to Rogers to work at the Community Center garage sale. Stayed there til 2:30 then went back to Fayetteville to let the dogs out, take them for a walk, and I planned to go work out. I can't remember what I did, but I didn't work out. Monday I was depressed again and stayed home all day working on the website.

In the afternoon, I went to a 12-step meeting for Eating Disorders. I thought it was just called OA (Overeaters Anonymous), but they said they call it Eating Disorders Anonymous. Whatever, it's all the same to me. I was really glad I went, because I was having such a shitty day before, that I was going to go to the 12-step meeting then head to Acambaro to numb the feelings. After the meeting, I went home instead and fixed dinner there. Anyway, the very first person who spoke, gave her story and most of what she said could have come out of my mouth. It was so refreshing to hear someone actually say that they look at what other people are or are not eating and what other people are or are not finishing on their plate! I do that! Another girl talked and said this meeting was the first one where she wasn't pre-thinking about what drive-thru she was going to hit on the way home from the meeting. I do that too! Well, maybe not drive-thru, but still always thinking about my next meal. It was really good for me, but once again this meeting ended with The Lord's Prayer, which I'm totally opposed to. Ah well, another case of the "take what you need and leave the rest." I'm still in the Bible Belt after all.

Later I dragged (or is it drug?) myself to the gym to work out. I haven't seen that girl again in the last few weeks, so I worked out alone. I did 30 minutes on the treadmill, no arm weights, at 4.0 mph at a 2.0 incline. I felt that since I hadn't worked out since the previous Tuesday, I'd better start off slow. I then went to the Aerobics room and did 2 sets of the standard ab workout that K. and I were doing. I went into the sauna next for the course of 5 songs on my Ipod, which meant about 15 minutes I guess. I was tired and wanted to go home and go to bed.

Today, I was extremely depressed again and called B. again to talk. B is Boni, I should just say it, for honesty's sake. She was the B I mentioned the other day too. The other day was the first time calling her since probably January. I needed to talk to someone who knows me and loves me. It didn't matter to me that we're broken up and I really probably need to find someone who's not part of my issues to talk to. I cried on the phone for an hour and she helped me realize and more importantly accept that I need to be back on my medication. So I took my first 20 mg dose of Celexa since the beginning of April. I didn't want to get back on it, but I'm just not doing well at all. I can't keep living like this and I guess I have to accept the reality that I'm one of those people who may need to be on medicine. Oh and I started my period yesterday too, so it's all felt like a heap of shit on my shoulders lately.

Anyway, I took the dogs for a walk this afternoon and headed up North to my CoDA meeting. I met up with my CoDA friends at Subway before hand and was so grateful to have them there. I was feeling just so alone. Oh and I had and still have a huge headache. It can't be from the crying, because that's all I do lately, so I can only assume it's from the Celexa getting back into my system. During my meeting, I got a call from a woman I met at the L Word Marathon on Saturday. She's the same woman I had seen walking her dogs in my neighborhood a few times over the last month. Anyway, she called and asked if I wanted to go get ice cream tonight. I didn't hesitate and said yes (I figured whether it was ice cream or a salad, I wanted to go!). I left my meeting early (I know, I know, icky codependent behavior) and went home to fix my red, puffy face and put on a non-snotty-from-crying shirt. Anne Marie inspected me and I headed out the door. She (M) picked me up at my house and we headed to Hugo's, because she said she wanted Grasshopper Crepes or something like that. She asked if I'd had them and I said no, so that's where we went. When we got there, we found out they were out of that very dessert, so we left and went to Braum's. She got mint chocolate chip in a cone and I got carb watch vanilla in a cup. I felt a tad bit guilty over eating ice cream, but come on, what was I gonna do? I haven't known her long enough yet to tell her I don't do things like ice cream. She can find out my food neuroses later! We ended up talking at Braum's for several hours, actually closing them down at 11:00 pm. She then drove me by her house and because we'd been talking all evening about our past relationships, she also showed me where her most recent ex lives, just a mile from her. It was quite amazing how many similarities we had in our lives, relationships, and timelines of things (we both were dumped in November, both of our exes went on to new people immediately - if not during the breakups, both of us had horrible Christmases, both of us are trying to make new friends, meet new people, both started to have depression issues in the last month and are going on meds as of today to help deal with them!, both of us aren't close to our families, both of us have two dogs - a boy and a girl, neither of us have done the dating thing before, the list goes on). Anyway, who knows if this will be a good friend or something more. As with everything, time will tell.

I got home after 11:30 tonight, so I'm not going to the gym to work out. I'm going to bed. I also read something tonight about exercise addiction on the transcendbulimia.com website, that makes me a tad worried about my own obsession with the gym and the amount of time I spend there when I go. So I'm gonna not beat myself up over not going, and just relax a bit.

Celexa, start workin', k? I need my life back.

PS Guess that wasn't such a quick update. Oh well. By the way, my food intake has been pretty good except for one day I did go to Acambaro this weekend, I think it was Sunday. Otherwise, I've been doing vegan soups, salads, salad wraps with lettuce, hummus, feta cheese, bananas, nut/raisin/spelt pretzel trail mixes, lots of juices - orange, apple, pineapple, and surprisingly more water than normal. I'm tryin'.

May 23, 2006

I worked on my website all day today. My friends M and L called and asked me to go have lunch, so we went to El Camino Real, a Mexican restaurant here in Fayetteville (I had guacamole and a salad with tortillas, chips and salsa). It was funny, because we all had said we were going back to high raw Monday, and Monday came and went and we're all still struggling to beat some of our food addictions. Mine right now is mainly sprouted seed and grain bread with the leftover Boca burgers from this weekend's cookout. I'm also indulging in some Ezekial cereal with soy milk at times. The weird thing is that I'm eating more "square" meals than I was on raw. I eat breakfast, then I'm not hungry til lunch, then again not hungry til dinner. It's the carbs. Whereas on raw, I'd eat all day long and was always hungry. I know the latter is much better for me, so I'm hopeful that my cravings for salad and fruit and juice all day long will return soon!

I took the dogs for a nice walk this afternoon and planned to go up North to my CoDA meeting, but was still working on the site and doing laundry, so I didn't go. Then I thought I'd go to the Tuesday night OA meeting, but didn't get out of the house in time for that either. So I ran by the post office, then by Office Depot to get some tags for my product that I'll be selling this weekend at the Eureka Sunday Market, and then went to the gym. I was hungry and craving ice cream of all things! But I ignored those feelings and went right in to work out. My friend K was there and we talked for a minute about how we'd both been neglecting the gym the last week, so we both did our cardio workouts separately and then met up to do our abs and arm exercises together in the Aerobics room. She's such a great person and I really love working out with her! I did 25 minutes on the treadmill at a nice incline of 4.0 going between 3.7 and 4.0 mph. We did an hour of arms and abs and I was so grateful to have her to work out with. She pushes me, without even trying. Just having someone with such a great body, one that I'd love to have myself, to work out next to is motivating to me. I wouldn't do half the reps we do if if weren't for her doing them for herself. Hope that makes sense. It's just really nice to have a friend to work out with. We put each other's numbers in our cell phones so we can be more diligent about calling each other when we CAN'T workout. That will keep me going for sure!!! Before I left for the night, I did about 9 minutes in the dry sauna. I have to build back up to my normal 20 minutes.

I ran by the grocery store on the way home and picked up bananas, raisins, feta cheese, healthy wheat tortillas, and a bag of lettuce. I don't want to buy another loaf of bread, but I know I'm wanting SOMETHING bready, so the tortillas will suffice until I can kick that habit too. I had a boca burger on a tortilla with pickles, lettuce and feta cheese when I got home, and downed a glass of apple juice. I was so thirsty after the gym, since I keep forgetting my bottle of water. I've been so much better about choosing to drink ice water instead of iced tea or even juice at times, but for some reason I always forget water at the gym. And I don't get enough from the few trips to the water fountain.

The rest of this week is going to be crazy busy. Tomorrow I have an interview for a job working with people with disabilities. I'm wanting to take a part time job, but doing something I love. When I lived in Austin, from 1996 - 2000, I ran a program for people with disabilities at the department of health. I loved working with the people with disabilities, but as is my norm, I didn't enjoy working with other people, as in my colleagues and superiors. I'm hoping I'll be able to do some direct care work with one or a handful of clients, but I'm not really sure what they're looking for. We'll see. Thursday I want to go to this new summer concert series happening at Gully Park. "Trout Fishing in America" is playing this Thursday, and it's a free concert, where people just bring blankets and pets and their families and hang out in the park listening to music. Friday I'm off to Eureka Springs for an Art Open House during the day. Saturday night I have another L Word Marathon up in Bentonville for the GLBT Community Center. Sunday, my roommate and I are doing the Eureka Springs Sunday Market, to sell our arts/crafts. Monday is Memorial Day, not sure what I'm doing that day yet, and then Tuesday's my birthday. 32 years old I'll be, and still not a clue what the hell I'm doing with my life. Oh well, I bet I'm not the first or the last to say that.

Ok, gotta get to bed now. Lots to do tomorrow.

May 25, 2006

Yesterday I had an interview for a job working with people with disabilities. Then I went to dinner with a friend. I took the dogs for a walk and had a super work out with my work out buddy, K. We're now on a regular schedule and have exchanged numbers so we'll be accountable to one another.

Today I had a second interview and met the client it looks like I'll be working with. I'm excited because I'll be using sign language again (it's been 6 years since I've signed!). He's deaf and seems like a super guy! Hopefully it will all work out. Still have to meet his mother and I'm told she's super Christian, which as you all know, I am not only NOT Christian, I'm pretty much everything most standard Christians are against, ie. a big ole lesbian (I'm saying that in the same accent that the funny chick on Mean Girls said "I've got a big ole lesbian crush on you" - haha!). This evening C. and I took the dogs to Gully Park for the first concert of the summer. It was a beautiful night, cool, breezy and perfect. There were a zillion people out there, and she knew where we could park for easy and close walking. We took our folding chairs, a blanket for the doggies and set up in the middle of the field with everyone else. "Trout Fishing in America" was the band who played. They were a couple of older guys who played fun, upbeat music. Apparently they've won some grammy awards. It wasn't amazing or anything, but we had fun. Later tonight, I went to the gym and met up with K again. We had a really good work out. She got there 15 minutes later than I did, so I ended up walking for nearly an hour on the treadmill. I didn't use arm weights tonight, but did what she recommended, and moved the incline up and down and moved the speed up and down throughout my workout. This meant, I ended up doing some jogging, which felt really good. Then we did a quick abs workout and moved on to legs. My knees have been bothering me, because I ran out of MSM and I haven't replenished my supply. I really like the MSM from Nature's First Law, I just need to place an order. I had two salads today, which was really good for me! Anyway, it's way late now, and I'm exhausted.

Welcome to the new journalers, Allee, Kate and Lori! Go check em out! Tell em hi!

May 30, 2006

It's my 32nd birthday today. I swear I thought I was 31 but was reminded that nope, I was 31 the whole last year and now I'm up there another year...Ugh, feel like my life is slipping by and I haven't got my shit together.

My memory is NOT allowing me to remember everything I've done the last 5 days, but I'll try. Let's see Friday I got stuff ready for the Eureka Sunday Market. Saturday I hung out with a friend then we went up north to the L Word Marathon. Sunday my roommate and I did the Eureka Sunday Market. It was hot, but we had a good time. Monday a friend and her mom and brother took me to lunch and the movies. We saw The DaVinci Code. It was ok, but I did enjoy the company. Later I went to some other friends' house to hang out by the pool, then I went up north to a Community Center board meeting. Today, I went to lunch at O'Charlie's with an old friend, then my roommate and two other friends took me to Common Grounds for more food and dessert. I ate half a piece of chocolate cake and my mind and body went racing like crazy afterwards. I felt like I was high! I know now why I try to steer clear of refined white sugar!! Whoa! I planned to go to my CoDA meeting tonight, or at least my OA meeting, since it's closer to my house, but I am way behind on paperwork and business stuff. So....late tonight, I'll meet my workout friend at the gym and will work off the damage I did to myself today! I haven't been high raw the last 5 days. Haven't really gained any weight, but I definitely don't like the way I've felt, emotionally nor physically. Gotta get myself back together!

May 31, 2006

Another friend ended up calling me last night around 8 pm and asked if I'd go to dinner with her. She wanted to "eat bad" and since I'd already eaten crap during the day, I said sure. We went to El Camino Real here in Fayetteville. I got a small white queso and a small guacamole with tortillas and chips/salsa. She treated me for my birthday. (Surprisingly, and definitely unexpectedly, my birthday ended up being such a wonderful day full of friends and eating yummy foods!) After we ate, I headed to the gym. Was almost an hour late to meet my friend, which was not very nice of me. I ended up only walking on the treadmill for 5 minutes while she finished up her cardio workout. We went into the aerobics room and did a nice abs workout. I didn't stay afterwards, because quite honestly I was tired and feeling blah from all the crap I'd eaten all day. I took a shower, went home and crashed!

I slept in until 9:30 this morning, which has seemed to be my regular routine. Can't get up before then. I know it's my diet and starting today I'm going back to healthy eating.

June 6, 2006

It's been a week since I last posted. Had a few days of not eating well, actually several days. I got back to healthy eating a few days ago and am already feeling much better. It's weird how fast my body can balloon up when I eat crap and then how fast my body can bounce back to feeling more fit and trim when I get back to healthy eating. I didn't work out Friday-Sunday, but started again with my friend K. last night. We worked out tonight too. Had great workouts both days and I feel so much better about myself now. I got some gift cards from my Mom for my birthday, so have had Subway (veggie patty wraps) for lunch yesterday and today, and this evening I had Ruby Tuesday's salad bar for dinner. For some reason I was really disappointed in how it tasted. It was like my taste buds escaped me! But I ignored my desire for a veggie burger and fries and stuck with the salad bar. And I was so glad I did. If I can make it through my cravings and choose healthy, I feel like a million bucks. If I choose one crappy thing during the day though, it often will turn the whole day sour for me...making even more unhealthy choices, feeling depressed and often skipping a workout. It's just keeping myself focused on my goals that is sometimes challenging.

Let's see, I'll recap the last week if I can remember everything. Worked out Wednesday and Thursday, got things ready for the Eureka Sunday Market. Friday night I went out to dinner with a friend (that was one of my crappy food eating days - we went to Acambaro and I made poor choices AND regretted it with a terrible stomach ache afterwards). Saturday morning I went to S's house and we went up North to her nephew's baseball tournament. Afterwards we drove around, having a relaxing Saturday drive and talking, went to a used bookstore in Rogers, then went back to her house to go swimming. We spent the afternoon in the sun and then went in, snacked (I had some potato salad) and hung out watching Cops (I adore anyone who will watch back to back Cops episodes with me, and she LOVES them as much as I do). That evening I came home and got my car packed for Eureka Springs. Sunday, my roommate and I went and did the Sunday Market. Had a horrendous sales day, and while we were there, I decided that beadwork and jewelry isn't working for me. I'm going to clearance out all of my jewelry, accessories and hanging mobiles AND wholesale all of my beads, findings, and wire. I'm going to basically get out of beadwork and focus on my photography. Yesterday I went and met the mother of the client I'll be working with. Then today I went and had in-service at the administrative office of my new job. The rest of the day I worked on getting all of the bead stuff packaged up for the sale. Then, I laid down for a few minutes with the pups and took an hour and a half nap. I never nap, but I guess I needed a little rest today. I took the dogs for a nice long walk later in the day, and tonight I went to work out - already said that. Anyway, that's me catching up on what's been going on.

Be sure to say hello to all of the new journalers - there's a bunch of them!! Welcome!

June 7, 2006

For breakfast today I had a baked potato that I bought from Wendy's late last night and a veggie patty that I had made from a Fantastic veggie mix box. Then, I had 2 hours of training today with my supervisor at the Fayetteville Public Library. I had lunch by myself at Olive Garden, on a gift card from my Mom. I had the minestrone soup and salad. I ate 3 breadsticks. I also got the Berry Zabaione for dessert, which is strawberries and blueberries on top of raspberry sorbet and topped with an Italian custard. I have no idea what type of fat content is in the custard, but I really really enjoyed it, nearly wanting to lick the glass at the end of it.

I went home and worked on laundry and computer stuff until around 5 pm when my friends M and L called. They wanted to go to a psychic down the street for one of her $5 tarot card readings. I told em I was pretty broke and trying not to spend money. M said she wanted me to go and would treat me to a reading. I resisted initially but gave in, thinking that actually that might be good for me, as I have been struggling with one particular area (well struggling in many areas, but am really focused on one particular thing right now). So they came over and got me and we went to the little psychic shop down on College Avenue. L waited in the waiting room (she'd had one from her a few months back) and M and I went in together. She had her reading first and then I had mine. It was good, really good.

Afterwards, we went to Olive Garden (yes, again - two times today), for dinner. I finished my gift card on minestrone soup and salad, again. Yep, had three breadsticks again too. Oh and one Andes mint. While I was there, I got a phone call from the person that my psychic reading was about. I was thrilled and was validated with some of what was said. Ugh, vagueness is unattractive in my journals, but I want to respect the anonymity of the other person (and protect anything that might end up developing), but still record it for my own memory's sake. Anyway....

While at dinner, I got a call from C., asking if we could get together after I was done with dinner to talk. So when I got home, she came over and we sat in her car for a long time and talked. Then, later, I took the dogs for a walk - in the dark, since all of the other activities were sort of unexpected and last minute. My workout buddy told me last night she couldn't work out tonight, so I decided I'd take the night off too. Tomorrow night, M., L., C. and her sister and I are all going to Gully Park for the Concert Series to see Ultra Suede. I plan to work out with K. after that. Tomorrow should be a good day.

So, aside from the breadsticks (those damn things call my name, but never taste as good as I expect them to - I think club crackers give me the same satisfaction), I feel pretty good about my food intake. Not high raw or anything, but pretty healthy overall.

June 8, 2006

For breakfast, I had a Fantastic Foods veggie patty. Worked on clearancing more of my jewelry supplies. Had a late lunch at Ruby Tuesday's - one trip through the salad bar and <gulp> chips and queso. I don't know. Can't tell ya why, just wanted it. Finished the gift card. Tonight, C., E., M. and L., and I went to Gully Park for the Concert Series to see Ultra Suede. They are a cover band, kinda like B52s. It was a lot of fun. I brought the dogs, which of course, everyone loved, and the temperature was a perfect 76 degrees. On the way home, I thought about going through Wendy's for a baked potato, but decided I wasn't hungry enough to warrant a meal at 9:30 at night, especially after cheese dip at lunch! I'll have some water instead. Oh and K. couldn't meet for a workout tonight, so once again, I'm choosing to for-go the workout myself. I have to be at work for more training at 8:30 in the morning anyway, so I need to get to bed. It's been a pretty good week, especially considering I have been so broke, that I've literally spent zero dollars this week, except for a tank of gas (bowing to the bank Gods that will be processing that transaction in hopes for NSF fee leniency).

June 9, 2006

I worked today from 8:30 - 11:30 am. Then I went by Subway to finish up the last of my gift card. I had my usual veggie patty wrap and baked chips, with water. I worked on doing some spring cleaning at home, took the dogs for a very hot, sweaty walk at Wilson Park late this afternoon, then took myself to the gym for a workout. K. isn't gonna be able to work out til Monday, but I decided that I really feel better when I keep a consistent workout, so I went alone. I did 45 minutes on the treadmill, really trying to push myself on the incline and speed. The aerobics room is being refloored, so I didn't go in there for abs; instead I went into the sauna and did about 13 minutes. It felt really good; I've missed the sauna and the intense sweating. I took a nice long shower afterwards, even did a face mask while I was there. I came home and kept working on spring cleaning and some laundry. I stayed in tonight, feeling a need to spend some time alone. I started my period today and was severely moody this evening (normally I'm like that prior to my period, not once I've started). I had a couple of bizarre phone calls this evening which has me a little on the irritated side, but otherwise, things feel pretty good to me right now. I'm making some minor but still significant changes to my surroundings, my activities, my financial situation and my feelings about life right now, and it seems to be exactly what I need. Simplifying has helped me make time for some of the more important things in life. I've had such a need all my life to be "busy" and "productive" and always be doing some project, be involved in some organization, yada yada yada. Well, I'm trying things a little different now, and am making more time to be with people I care about, spend quality time with the dogs, and just take life a little less seriously - especially try not to feel like I have to have everything figured out and put everything in its nice, neat little box. My little boxes aren't working for me anymore, maybe they never did.

PS For dinner I had a bowl of kashi grains with soy milk, a banana and raisins, and two pieces of wheat toast (I'm like Kate right now, gotta eat what I can afford at this moment - hopefully next week, my financial situation will improve somewhat - though I'm not getting paid from my job job until July 7th!).

June 14, 2006

I'm still not back into high raw eating. I'm not eating too badly, but am eating a bit too much bread. I'm drinking a lot of water, which is a nice change for me. I'm exercising every day, except for Friday-Sunday. The aerobics room is closed until Monday because they are redoing the floors, so K. and I have just been doing cardio workouts. We're doing about an hour a night now, and last night I did 10 minutes on the elyptical machine. Tonight I did 10 minutes on the elyptical machine, 10 minutes on the stair master, and 50 minutes on the treadmill. I feel pretty good. Weighed today for the first time in probably a month. 234. Not great, but not too bad, considering I'm not high raw. I'd like to see it maintain at 230 at least until I can get back to truly high raw eating, so I'll work on it!

I've been doing training all week. Got CPR/First Aid certified on Tuesday, and worked with my consumer Monday and today. My sign language is getting better each time we work together. I've really really missed signing! This weekend was my last Eureka Springs Market, oh and I had an L Word Marathon Saturday night - my friends M. and L. went with me. Tomorrow I have an interview for another job that I'd be working Tuesday-Thursday, part time. I'm such a nut, I swear. But I've gotta do it. Money's tight and I am still not sure I want to go back to work in the Marketing world as an "8-to-5-er."

My roommate and I have a Heritage Festival craft fair in Siloam Springs on Saturday. Then on Monday, I've got the Downtown Bentonville Art Walk, where I'll be showing and selling my photography. My roommate is going to help me with that show, since I'm really not supposed to be doing the selling, I'm supposed to be mingling with the crowd. After that show, it looks like that's it for selling my art to the public for a while. I'll still sell online. Speaking of which, I've clearanced all of my jewelry, accessories, and Serenity Strings (hanging artwork) on my other website - it's now marked 50% off. I want to sell out of everything so I can focus on my beaded bud bottles and photography, the two I enjoy doing the most. Here's a link - www.isleofinnis.com - once you click the image on the main page, click on either "Beadwork and Jewelry" or "Stone and Bead Supplies". Plus, for From SAD to RAW visitors, if you use the coupon "sadtoraw" when you check out, you'll get an additional 10% off (this is only valid for photography, jewelry/accessories, bead supplies, movies, music, and books, NOT raw food products - prices are already discounted as much as I can on those items).

June 15, 2006

I did 57 minutes on the elyptical machine tonight at the gym. Quite impressive for only my third attempt on this machine. I'm nowhere near as fast as K. on it, nor can I keep my hands off the bars for very long, but it's definitely progress! I didn't get on the treadmill at all tonight. I felt like a real workout girl for once! (Not that the treadmill isn't a workout, but I'm always watching those people on the stair master or the elyptical machine with complete envy.) After our cardio workout, we asked if we could go ahead and go in to the aerobics room even though it's not officially reopened. They said we could, so we did our abs workout, though it was reduced from our old routine, since it's been a week since we last did our standard abs workout. We both were pooped afterwards! Tomorrow she doesn't have her truck, so I'm gonna pick her up and we're gonna go to the park to do 3 miles. I wonder if she'll push me to even do some running. Either way, we'll be going during the middle of the day, so I'm sure we'll be sweating like dogs in the heat.

I only ate one meal today, but I don't even want to admit that it was chips, salsa, lettuce, tomatoes and tortillas. I guess I have to, since this is my honesty journal. Oh well, life will be better financially soon, and I'll be back to eating loads of fruit, salads, and juice. I really can't wait!

I have been drinking a lot of water - the heat here and the fact that I don't have air conditioning in my house has helped keep me drinking all the time. Also, my weight has dropped two more pounds (now I'm 232), so I am doing a few things right at least! Not to mention doing lots of great exercise.

The only issue I'm having right now is my right knee has progressively gotten worse since I ran out of my MSM more than a month ago. Nothing has ever worked for my knee pain like MSM has (oh and a high raw diet of course). I've GOT to get some more ASAP, because each day, it's getting more and more tender, and I'm having more and more problems when exercising. It's gotten so bad that each morning, I've been waking up from the pain. I start on my back when I go to bed at night, and I end up on my side, which means my knees are knocking each other. I need to figure out a way to get a pillow between my knees, but because I'm asleep when I turn over, I have no idea how I'll accomplish that. And I've tried to go to bed on my side, and I just can't get comfortable that way.

Let's see, what else? Oh, I took another part-time job today. I interviewed and they offered the position to me not 20 minutes after I left the interview. I'll be working Tuesday-Thursday as the Facilities Manager for United Campus Ministries, a college interdenominational organization on the University of Arkansas Campus. I got the job because my friend H. is quitting and I told her a while back if she ever quit that I'd be interested in taking over. So she set up an interview with me and the Board of Directors. So, now I'll be working Mondays and Fridays for Arkansas Support Network, and Tuesdays-Thursdays at UCM.

Tomorrow night, I'm going out with my friends L. and M. to see a lesbian band at Arsaga's Coffee House. Then Saturday I'm doing the Heritage Fest. Saturday night I might go out with M. to see the Sarah Hughes Band at George's Majestic Lounge. Sunday I'll be getting ready all day for the Bentonville Downtown Art Walk on Monday. Lots to do this weekend!

Here's a quote appropriate for what seems to be a new chapter of my life right now.

"Vitality shows not only in the ability to persist, but in the ability to start over."
– F. Scott Fitzgerald

PS I owe the site a new picture, but it might be next weekend before I can get to it, since this next week could be crazy busy for me!

June 18, 2006

My weekend didn't end up at all like I planned. But I think it's what I needed.

Friday night I ended up staying home to get myself ready for the Heritage Festival.

My roommate, her family and I all went to Siloam Springs at 5:30 am Saturday morning. It started raining and the forecast planned that it wouldn't stop until Sunday, so we decided to come home instead of setting up, risking ruining any of our art. We stayed and went to the Lions Club Pancake Breakfast. I had 3 pancakes (ate them plain, no syrup, and I was the only one NOT feeling like crap after we ate) and orange juice, of course forgoing the sausage (though I admit it did smell good - had it been soy sausage I know I would have eaten it). Then we walked around the downtown, looking at the historic buildings (in the rain), before heading back to Fayetteville. I spent the rest of the afternoon working on matting and framing my photographs for the Art Walk on Monday. I took the dogs for a walk, and planned to workout, but something happened with my car, and I didn't end up making it to meet K. at the gym (When I walked out to the street to get in my car, I saw that my back tire was completely flat - my roommate's husband ended up working on it for an hour, but it's ruined, and I'll have to buy another - wish it was one of the ones I had to replace a few weeks ago, so it would be covered, but unfortunately, it is not - another $100 down the drain).

Last night, I was supposed to go to George's Majestic to see the Sarah Hughes band, but honestly I was in a poopy mood from not being able to make money at the Heritage Festival AND with my flat tire. So I called my friends and told them I wasn't going out. Two of the friends decided they weren't going either, and decided to come over to my house for the evening instead. So, M. and L. came over and watched "Foxfire" while I labeled my photo notecards.

Oh, before they came over, I was wanting something "bad" to eat, but since one of the girls is trying to be raw vegan, she didn't want to go out. So instead, I decided to go for a grocery shopping trip and load up on healthy foods. I got a pear, 2 peaches, a pound of strawberries, a mango, red seedless grapes, bananas, braeburn apples. I got more raisins, dry roasted peanuts, orange juice, spelt flake cereal, soy milk, a box of the packaged vegetarian sloppy joy mix by Fantastic Foods, some tomato paste to add to it, some sprouted grain bread, natural organic peanut butter, celery, a bag of salad mix, some baby dill pickles, and a package of string mozzarella cheese (yea, not vegan).

When I got home, I ate one string cheese and then made a huge ass fruit salad - chopped up everything but the bananas, apples and mango (the mango isn't ripe yet). It was absolutely amazing and I ate a ton of it! While we were watching the movie, I got hungry again and had some more fruit. I felt really good with my choice of dinner, and woke up feeling light and wonderful today (I had a ton of energy from the fruit too, cause at the gym today, I had a great workout, one of the best I've ever had!).

Today I slept in until 10 am. I probably would have slept longer, but was awakened by a neighbor's skill saw. I worked on organizing my photo notecards for the show and loaded up some stuff in my car. For lunch I had three pieces of sprouted grain bread with the "sloppy joe" mix, a string cheese and some baby dill pickles.

I was supposed to go workout with K. today, but when I didn't hear from her by 3:00, I decided not to wait and headed to the gym. I did 30 minutes on the Octane Elyptical machine (300 calories), then did 30 minutes on the treadmill (400 calories), and then got back on the Octane Elyptical for another 30 minutes (300 calories). I felt amazing and emotionally could have done more, but could tell my knee was ready for me to call it quits for the day. A really cool thing happened when I got on the treadmill, though. The girl walking next to me asked how long I do the Elyptical machine for. I said today I did it for 30 minutes, but I did it for an hour the other day. She was shocked and acted impressed with me. I said I only started doing it a week ago, and the first time I tried it I could only do about 5 minutes. Then I did 10 minutes. Then 20 and now I can go for 30-60 minutes. I wanted to reassure her that I completely understand feeling so intimidated by it and that I was just as skeptical of my ability to do it as she is. She reminded me EXACTLY of myself whenever I was on the treadmill and would watch others do those more difficult machines. It really was bizarre how I went from only 10 minutes to jumping up so quickly. It was like a state of mind shift or something. I would assume that anyone looking at me and my NOT thin body, would wonder how I could handle such a difficult machine for such a long time. I know *I* would! But I think my endurance keeps building, and especially since I've been working out with K., whose endurance is just fricking amazing!

When I got home, I did some laundry and had a bunch of fruit for "dessert." I drank a ton of water too, from the time I got to the gym, until this evening. I'm parched! I was gonna go to HOWL tonight (a womens poetry, song, prose event that happens once a month), but I just really wanted to finish off the weekend the way I started it, keeping things low-key, not being around groups of people, and just doing things for me. I'm heading out the door to take the dogs for a walk, before I finish loading my truck for tomorrow.

June 21, 2006

Life has gotten more hectic and stressed, but surprisingly I'm handling things just fine. I'm letting things roll off my back and am just trying to let go of the control I try to have on where my life is going. Feels pretty good.

I'm eating pretty well, though I am eating a few vegan cooked meals - sprouted grain bread, vegetarian sloppy joe mix, whole grain cereal with soy milk. But I'm eating a lot of fruit right now and drinking a lot of water.

I'm also working out very hard each day - last night, I worked out with K - I did 50 minutes straight on the elyptical machine - burned 500 calories, then we did our three sets of abs exercises. We were both exhausted afterwards. I felt so great though!

While I was there, I said it's been almost a week since I'd last weighed, so I got on the scale. Two more pounds lost. I'm now at 230, which is the lowest I've ever been on this journey! I'm sooooo happy!!

Weight: 230 pounds (total weight loss 80 pounds)

June 22, 2006

Worked out with K. last night. Had a great workout, doing 45 minutes on the elyptical machine and then our usual abs workout.

Today, we met at the gym early because we both had evening plans. I did 30 minutes on the elyptical, got off to go to the bathroom, got back on and did 8 more minutes, before we went into the aerobics room to do our abs workout. K. and her mother (who came to work out with us), left and instead of taking a shower, I got back on the elyptical machine for 22 more minutes, to have done a complete hour. Total calories burned - 600. I was SO tempted to weigh again, but really want to keep from becoming obsessed with the number, so decided to just be happy with how my body is responding to my healthy eating and intense exercise regime. My clothes are fitting loosely and my double chin is smaller than ever. (Wish I could say it was completely gone, but I just looked in the mirror as I was typing this, and notice that it is still there, no matter how small it's getting.)

After I worked out, I was feeling a bit down and wanted to go eat Acambaro for dinner, but instead went to the grocery store and stocked up on fruit and more soy milk. I bought 2 pears, 3 peaches, a bunch of bananas, 3 kiwi, a pint of blueberries, and 2 pounds of strawberries. I got home and immediately cut up everything for a wonderful dinner of mixed fruit. I ate a ton of it, and felt really good for my choice. Later this evening, my friends M. and L. stopped by for a visit. We were supposed to go to the Gully Park Concert Series to see Jason D. Williams, but it ended up raining, so we didn't go.

June 23, 2006

I had a bunch of fruit for breakfast this morning, before my plasma donation appointment (I hadn't gone in the last month, because I started back on my Celexa and had to have a waiting period according to their policy). Then, I spent most of the afternoon in Bentonville, dealing with my tire problem. I had a salad and worked on my 12-step workbook while I waited for the tire company to do their work.

Then this afternoon I took the dogs for a walk around the neighborhood. Shortly after we started walking, I happened to glance up a street and saw a baby raccoon timidly crawling across the street. I stopped the dogs and we watched as the baby climbed a wire fence, straddled it and walked along it for a while, before losing balance and falling over the other side. We slowly walked up the street to get a closer look, and she crept up a tree, and hid her little tiny body in a crevice. I didn't have the number of my wildlife rescue acquaintance in Benton County (I'm always finding poor, trapped, hurt animals, and have a history of not just walking by these sort of situations), so I called Fayetteville's Animal Control (I always have my cell phone with me). Then the dogs and I waited for them to come. We sat on a rock, while people drove by wondering what the heck we were doing. When the Animal Control officer came, I was SO happy to see it wasn't a typical animal control guy who just wants to wrangle the animal and put it to sleep, moving on with his paperwork. This man was so gentle and kind and said he was really glad I called, because a baby that small would never survive out without his mother. She must have abandoned her, or maybe one of the two got startled and separated. It didn't appear to either of us (once he got her in a crate and we could get a closer look), that she was sick. He said he was gonna call Lynn, and I was so grateful, because that's the person I wanted to contact, but didn't have her number. I felt so wonderful having saved the baby from either starvation, a predator, or some stupid young boy who just wants to torture helpless animals.

Later I took myself to the gym, after K. told me she had to work all weekend and wouldn't be able to work out again until Monday. I did 30 minutes on the elyptical machine, 30 minutes on the treadmill, and 15 minutes in the sauna. I was really pretty tired, and my knee was hurting after the treadmill. I burned a total of 500 calories, plus whatever I might have done in the sauna. I was tempted to weigh, but decided to keep with my promise to myself of once a week.

I came home and had a ton of fruit salad, two pieces of sprouted grain toast (with butter), and 2 pieces of celery with peanut butter. I did some laundry and spent the evening doing bills and paperwork.

Tomorrow is a Gay Pride parade, then the L Word Marathon tomorrow evening. I plan to work out in the morning and take the dogs for a walk. Who knows what else. Sunday is the Gay Pride Picnic, then a lesbian after party at Tangerine. I plan to go to both.

I have the camera sitting out, as a reminder to do my updated photos tomorrow.

June 25, 2006

I just had the craziest weekend!!! I feel like I'm 21 again going and going like a mad woman.

Let's see, Saturday I got up and decided I'd put it off long enough. Time to take my updated pictures. So there I am up there. I look oily, ha! Oh well, let's just call it glowing from all the exercise I've been doing. Yea that's it! Anyway, I'm very pleased to see how much the 13 pound weight loss has shown in my pictures. (Click here for the full page of raw-in-progress pics). My hair is shinier, I'm happy with that too. And it's growing fast!! You can see my double chin is still present, but definitely smaller. And my boobs are starting to go UP instead of following the gravity trail. Those pants are a size 16, top is an XL. My arms are more firm. I noticed yesterday at the gym, that that little wobbly part under my bicep (or is it tricep, I don't know! the under part), near my arm pit is actually much much smaller, less wobbly and flabby - something I never thought would happen!!!! I think the elyptical machine is making a huge difference in my body. I have to be careful about setting goals too high, but I'm really shooting for 10 pounds a month, so that by Thanksgiving, I will be at goal weight. It's JUST a goal, something for me to work toward. I am by no means going to beat myself up, or set myself up for failure. Just something out over the horizon for me to keep my eyes focused on. It's good for me to stay focused, motivated, and driven to succeed. I can do this.

Ok, enough of the Oprah moment.....After the pictures, I took myself to the gym, did 45 minutes on the elyptical machine (woohoo, the whole time I'm on it, going forward AND backward, I can keep my hands off the bars - I move them as if I'm running - that is HUGE progress in the area of balance AND endurance), then got a quick shower before hauling home to grab the dogs, my camera and a big thing of ice water. We walked down from my house, down Dickson Street to the Walton Arts Center to wait with friends for the Gay Pride Parade. It was a sad little parade, but we knew it would be with the little amount of planning time that went into it. After that, we walked over to Powerhouse where the parade ended and hung out for a bit, before heading back up Dickson to our house. It was probably a total of 3 miles that we walked, and it was very hot out. We had to make several stops so the pups could get water (oh and of course I needed lots of water breaks too!!).

After that, I hurriedly got ready and went to pick up my friends M. and L. to head North for the L Word. We stopped off at Chick-fil-A so I could buy a gallon of iced tea and 2 side salads for my dinner. I also brought a ziploc baggie of spelt pretzels, dry roasted peanuts and raisins for my snack during the marathon. We had a great time, and I got to meet another new lesbian - one I had actually met once before back when I worked in Bentonville. After the marathon, M. and L. and I headed South to get ready to go out to the club. We hadn't planned on it, but as we were driving home, L. and I convinced M. that we needed to go dancing! We ended up dancing at Tangerine until the club closed at 2 am. We were so disgustingly sweaty and nasty by the time we left, I could barely stand it! (But it was a fantastic workout - dancing for 3-4 hours in a hot club. I drank a ton of water while I was there - I'm SUCH a cheap clubber).

This morning I woke up to my alarm at 8:30 am (way early for such a late night). I called M., a different friend, to see if she really wanted to go to the Pride service at the Unitarian church, or if I could sleep in. She said she was gonna go to work at 11 anyway and that I could sleep in. I laid there in bed for about 15 minutes, grappeling with the fact that this pride service is only once a year, and I need to be doing healthy things for me. So I drug my butt outta bed, got a shower, and went to the church. I was SO glad I did. The service was full of GLBT people, and the whole service was testimonials, stories, letters that people had written, beautiful music and singing, and just some amazing things about being proud of who we are. I couldn't help but cry at some of the things people said. It was really really good for me to be there. And it was SOOOOO not-churchy, which is what I often dislike about services, gay or not. I didn't hear Lord, Jesus, bible, not-a-once. I was thrilled. I will definitely go back there. Oh and an interesting thing that happened. When a twenty-something girl tried to walk in front of me, I sat up a bit and dropped part of my bulletin. She started to lean over, and I said, "No, no, I got it. Don't worry about it." She picked it up anyway, looked up at me and said simply, "That's what church is about." She had no idea that she couldn't have picked a better person to say that to. That IS what church is about. Good for her for thinking it, and even more wonderful for her for saying it. Whatta cool thing to happen to me.

I didn't stay afterward for coffee hour, because I had to hurry to the grocery store to pick up something for the Gay Pride Picnic. I planned to make a fruit salad, but while in the store, I looked at my watch and saw I had to pick up M. and L. in 20 minutes, not nearly enough time for me to buy the stuff, cut it up and get it in a bowl, change clothes, and do my girly primping for the afternoon. So, I grabbed two bags of veggie chips (the healthiest choice) and ran out the door. I got ready quickly and went over to the girls' house. I helped them put the finishing touches on their vegan 5-layer dip, and we headed to Agri Park in Fayetteville, where the picnic was being held. We got there about 25 minutes after it started, and it was already packed. We had lunch (I had a boca burger patty, no bun, pickles, tomatoes, and lettuce with mustard, some of the 5-layer dip and a few of the veggie chips, and a small scoop of mustard potato salad (though I read on the carton that there was mayo in it). I brought my Chick-fil-A iced tea and nursed it all afternoon. We hung out, talked, hung out some more, and surprisingly knew tons of people there (well not really surprising as I've been getting out a lot the last 3-4 months). S. and M. both did karaoke, and S. cracked me up - she did Missy Elliott's "Work It" and rocked! We were having a blast! (M. did "Something to Talk About" by Bonnie Raitt, less crazy, but still more fun than the slow-sappy-non-fun songs most of the people chose.

We left at 5 pm, and stopped by M. and L.'s house before running by my house, before going to a Lesbian party at Tangerine. Before we left their house, we ate a veggie hot dog (on a bun with relish and mustard). At my house, I changed clothes (for the third time today - sheesh, I'm such a girly girl), and we headed to the club. We got there around 6:00, and hung out til after 9 pm. Had a wonderful time, met some more fantastic people, and just couldn't get over how happy this weekend has made me. I really needed some fun, and to connect with friends, and take my life a little less seriously. (There are still a few things going on that I'm trying to work through, and often I feel like I'm absolutely crazy trying to sort through the emotions.)

I just got a call from L. and M. (just dropped them off less than an hour ago!), saying they are going to Dickson St. Theater for a drag show and did I want them to pick me up to go with. Of course I wanted to go, but I've got to take a breath. My dogs need me after 24 hours of solitude, and I think I need some space to sort through the events of the weekend, and of what I need to do next in my life.

(PS My knee is already 50% better with the MSM. I'm so glad I started taking it again, and do NOT need to let myself run out again.)

June 26, 2006

Today I took my car up to the auto repair shop to see if they could work me in. It's making a crazy stalling type noise and movement when I drive and my "service engine soon" light came on. (Why do femmes have to deal with car problems!!!??? It's not right!) They aren't able to get me in until tomorrow morning, so I'll go back then and just drop it off (and walk home, I live a mile or so from the shop).

I knew I had a training class tonight from 5 - 10 pm, so I took the dogs for a walk early this afternoon and then took myself to the gym. K. couldn't meet me that early, so I worked out alone. I did 45 minutes on the elyptical (actually 46 minutes, cause I wanted to hit 450 calories, and I hadn't made it there by 45 minutes), then did 3 sets of my abs exercise sets, and finished up with 18 minutes in the sauna. Felt great, but my stomach feels a bit fat today. Maybe it was the boca burger and veggie hot dog I ate yesterday, not sure. Or maybe my expectations are growing exponentially and I need to chill out on myself. One of the two.

After I showered, I headed up to Bentonville for my training class. On the way, I stopped at Chick-fil-A and picked up an iced tea and two side salads for dinner. During class, I swear some hunger monster took over, and I ate 4 packages of cheese-cracker sandwiches. I could not stop. I should never have eaten one, but the girl next to me just had to bring in a bag of Sonic for her dinner, and I couldn't help but get hungry from the smell. I could hear the grease squirting with each bite of the french fries and chicken tenders, which grossed me out, but the smell was still powerful.

On my way home, I stopped at the grocery store and got some more sprouted bread, dry roasted peanuts, celery, strawberries, bananas, some small red potatoes, spelt flake cereal and some kind of wheat cereal, and a pineapple. I had a bag of grapes in my cart, but when they rang up $9.90 I almost had a hernia! I had the cashier check it and the price had gone up to $3.99 a pound. I said hell no and took them off my order.

When I got home, I cut up the strawberries and the pineapple. The pineapple was the best I'd had since my ex's sister brought some back from Hawaii last year. I called my roommate in and had her try it. She almost died right there; loved it as much as I did. Can't believe how good it was. It was the last one they had, and I never buy pineapple - too expensive, and almost always a disappointment. Not this one!

Ok, so this is something cool that I've started noticing lately. I actually am not cringing when I look in the mirror. At the gym, after my abs workout, I went to the water fountain to fill up my bottle, and I was surprised looking in the mirror at myself. I actually wouldn't call myself "fat" today. My legs are much smaller, my overall frame is shrinking, and my face is slender. I can't believe it!!!

Oh and yesterday, at the picnic, I was sitting with this girl that I recently have begun to get to know (from the club and from my friend M.), and we were talking about losing weight, eating right, yada yada, and I mentioned I have 50 pounds to go to my goal weight. She looked shocked, and said no way, that she thinks I look great and can't see how I'd need to lose that amount of weight. I was SOOOOO happy, and when she reiterated it, I actually could hear the compliment, instead of just writing it off, as I so often do with compliments people pay me. And the funny thing is that it wasn't one of those "Oh you're fine just the way you are" comments. I could tell she actually didn't believe I had 50 pounds to lose. She mentioned that because of my working out every day, that it's probably that I don't have to lose 50 pounds at all, since muscle weighs more than fat. I said that it is possible, and that I'll just keep going until I feel happy with how my body looks and feels. You know, thinking back to high school (which is what I'm basing my goal weight on), when I was a dancer on the drill team, I was 170 pounds. I exercised every day with the dance team, but I ate like total shit, drank alcohol (beer, vodka, etc) like a fish, smoked cigarettes, and was just overall very unhealthy. Maybe it's possible that 170 pounds then isn't going to look the same as 170 pounds now. Maybe I do only need to lose 40 pounds, or oh wait a minute. I just added wrong. 170 pounds would mean I need to lose 60 pounds. Ok, so maybe I only need to lose 50 pounds, which would put me at 180. Who knows. Anyway, it was really nice to hear that from her, especially considering she has an amazing body, thin...thinner than I'll ever be, but beautiful for sure.

And today, when I was driving in the car to my training class, I looked in my overhead mirror, and <gasp> actually LIKED what I saw. I felt, dare I say, pretty. I like that my face has structure now, and is slimming, and my double chin is soooo much less visible, my cheek bones are visible, and when I smile, it appears that I might have dimples!! How hilarious is that? What if I've had dimples, or something similar to dimples all this time, but they were covered up by fat? How funny. Anyway, I'm feeling really good, and my urges to binge on bad food are currently being replaced by a strong desire to keep going!!!

June 27, 2006

Crazy busy day. Woke up and went to the auto repair shop to drop my car off. Took the dogs with me, and we walked home. I ate some of the pineapple, strawberries and a bowl of the wheat cereal with soy milk. Then I worked on making some homemade soaps for me and for gifts for people. At 11:30, a friend, R., picked me up and we went to Greenhouse Grille, a new restaurant in Fayetteville, for lunch. I ordered the Greenhouse Salad, which was spring greens, pecans, carrots, and balsamic vinaigrette dressing. She ordered the same, but added a side of their sweet potato fries. At first, I said to add that to mine, but then changed my mind, knowing I needed nothing more than the salad. I ended up eating some of her fries, but was glad to find them not greasy or oily. They may have been spritzed with olive oil, and possibly baked. They were delicious, however they were prepared, but I was thankful I didn't get my own order. After that she dropped me off to get my car. Turns out I need an entire tuneup, AGAIN! I just had one a year and a half ago. It's going to cost me more than $400, plus the $35 assessment I had to pay today. I'm pissed off it's going to cost that much, and am going to check around for possible cheaper shops. I hurried to my new job at the United Campus Ministry, and worked there until 5:45 pm. It's going to be a great job for me, one where my organization and computer skills are going to be perfectly utilized! This evening, I went over to my friends S. and K.'s house to hang out and watch tv. I brought over the rest of the pineapple and they both loved it! I really want to be a positive influence on their diet and do little things like that to show them how wonderful healthy eating can taste. Got home tonight around 11:00. Was planning to work out after I left their house, but to be honest, I'm having some stomach issues tonight, and didn't want to risk having a problem while on the cardio machines. Not sure what's wrong, but have had it most of the afternoon and evening, and it's not worked itself out yet. I don't like that I didn't work out today, but ate great all day long and tonight when I got home, I just had some celery and peanut butter. I tend to get worried that I'm going to gain 5 pounds if I don't work out, but I know it's ok to take breaks every so often. Two out of 7 days not working out is not going to kill my progress.

June 28, 2006

I had another crazy busy day today. Woke up and ate a bowl of spelt cereal with soy milk, half a banana (they are ick to me right now), orange juice and two pieces of sprouted toast with butter. Then I went to donate plasma. After that I ran by the post office and went to work at my United Campus Ministry job. I worked from noon until 5:15 pm. I went home and steamed up some frozen and fresh veggies, added some butter (darn) and some CarbWell A-1 sauce. I ate and then took the dogs for a walk before heading to the gym to meet K. to work out. At the gym, I did 68 minutes on the elyptical machine (straight, without stopping), then moved to the octane machine and did 16 minutes on it. I was tired, but felt so amazing. Then we went to the aerobics room and did 3 sets of abs exercises on the exercise ball - that's a total of 180 crunches in various positions. We normally would do a lot more off the ball, but we both were exhausted. After our workout, I decided that it's been a week since I last weighed in, so I got on the scale. I was THRILLED and shocked to see I've lost another 5 pounds (that's a total of 85 pounds that I've lost since starting this journey). Interestingly, I felt fat today and yet I still have lost weight. I'm so happy!!! I'm now 225 pounds, and honestly I don't know how many years it's been since I've been this weight. Thinking back to what I was doing when I got big, I think it's been nearly 10 years. I remember it was 95 when I started to gain weight, but I think it was 96 when I ballooned up. So, yea, 10 years it's been since I've been this size. Wow! I'm amazed and shocked at how things are going. I definitely believe (and K. agreed with me) that I can reach my goal weight by Thanksgiving. I just have to stay focused and not give in to temptation (as much as possible anyway). The more intense workouts have definitely made some changes in my metabolism and weight loss progress.

Weight: 225 pounds (total weight loss 85 pounds)

June 29, 2006

This morning I had sprouted grain toast with butter, spelt cereal with soy milk and strawberries. Then before I had to be at work, I took a couple of boxes of work papers to the recycling center and ran by Chick-fil-A to pick up a gallon of iced tea. I worked at United Campus Ministry from 10:30 - 5:15 pm. For lunch, I brought leftover steamed frozen/fresh veggies. Later I had a snack of spelt pretzels, peanuts, and raisins. After work, I took the dogs and picked up my friends L. and M. to go to see Darren and Russ at the Gully Park Concert Series. We met our friends C., S., and A. there and stayed for a few hours. I was supposed to meet K. at the gym at 9 pm, but decided to join the friends I was hanging out with for dinner at Common Grounds. I got a birdseed salad and relished every last bite. I wanted iced tea, because they have some super strong kind, but chose water instead, since I'd already had enough during the day. I planned to work out AFTER dinner, but had a few issues come up that made me decide to just call it a night. I feel really great today, except for some cuts and "road rash" that I got when I fell UP the stone stairs from my room door to the driveway. I was hurring to get me and the dogs in the car and not paying attention to where I walk. Tomorrow, I'm meeting my new client with Arkansas Support Network, as well as my boss and the client's case manager. Then I plan to make my famous salsa for the cookout I'm going to tomorrow night with M. at S. and A.'s house. I'm so looking forward to the weekend. Working all week has me exhausted and behind on emails and some other projects. How the hell did I manage life before with a full time job!!!!???

June 30, 2006

Another crazy day. How can these keep happening!!! This morning I went to meet with my new client and her case workers and my boss at the Arkansas Support Network. Then I went to Office Depot and Office Max to return something for work, Best Buy to use a gift certificate I had (bought the new Nelly Furtado), the health department to get a TB test for work, the post office to check my mail (whew, I'm tired just typing my day), Ruby Tuesday's to have the salad bar for lunch (had a gift card from a friend that I helped out in a situation the other day), the bank to drop off a letter for work, the grocery store to get ingredients for my salsa to take to a party tonight, then home for a bit to do laundry and make the salsa before heading to the gym to work out.

At the gym, I did 45 minutes on the elyptical machine, then 10 minutes in the sauna. I took a quick shower, and hurried home to get ready for the cookout. I picked up C., then M. and we headed to S. and A.'s house. They made us grilled veggie shish-k-bobs (sp?) and veggie burgers. I had two of the "bobs", a veggie patty with lettuce, tomato, pickles and mustard (no bread), and some tortilla chips with salsa, and oops, couldn't resist the damn rotel-queso. I did great all night except for digging into the queso every so often. The rest of the evening, I just drank lots of water. The night got crazy as more and more lesbians showed up and we ended up having a night of music, singing, guitar playing, way too much drinking and smoking (not me of course - and C. was the only other woman who doesn't drink), and <gasp> topless women. I was THE only one who did NOT get topless the entire time. The rest of the crazy, free-spirited chicks were all topless and having a grand ole time. I'm just not comfortable enough with my body. Maybe after losing another 20 pounds I'll be able to be happy with myself without clothes in public (er, not in PUBLIC, but you know what I mean). We had a great time and just got home (1:30 am). Looks like we're going to another lezzzbian party tomorrow night. I like meeting all of these people, and feel like the community is getting more and more close. I don't feel like an outsider here anymore.

July 2, 2006

Gotta get to bed, so I'm gonna try to quickly recap the weekend. Saturday morning I got up early and was at the gym at 9:00 am. I was pissed off immediately because there was a sign on the door saying they would be closed for a few hours for some transformer issue. They ALWAYS have some excuse to close. I didn't have time to waste, so I just took myself to Gully Park and ran and walked several miles. I was sweating and panting like a friggin dog when I was done. It was so hot and I'm not used to doing cardio outside anymore. I felt good though after a while.

Then I went home and took the dogs for a good walk, before heading to my friends S. and K.'s house for the day. I took the dogs with me. We went swimming in their pool, S. and I did some shopping for dinner ingredients. I made guacamole, grilled them some packaged fajita chicken strips (K. wouldn't go for morning star fake chicken strips, which meant I had to cook meat for the first time in years!!!!), then grilled wheat tortillas and cut up lettuce and tomatoes. We had tacos (no meat for me), and tortilla chips for dinner. S. and I went swimming again after dinner, then we hung out watching tv til 9:00 when I left to get home to get ready for the party.

I was running way late and picked up M. on the way home from S. and K.'s so we could just go to the party from my house. We met up all of our other friends at S. and A.'s house (so many initials, I swear I feel like a secret agent or something), and then we all walked together up the street to the party. It was a "roller-derby-girls-slash-lesbian-slash-frat-boy-straight-girl" party in a huge 5-bedroom house on Mount Sequoyah. It was packed and they ran the keg dry fast, and I have to admit, I felt quite out of my element. Lots of interesting people, to say the least. The two girls I had met the night before, A. and C. (gotta tell ya C.'s name is Coy, isn't that an awesome name?), were two of the roommates hosting the party, were so very nice and I was glad to meet these two super-sweet-super-considerate chicks (and SUCH an adorable, punky couple). Fairly quickly most of the girls we arrived with ended up leaving due to lesbian drama (ugh, I am NOT going to become involved in any of that stupid high school stuff, I am way too old and SOBER for that crap). I, M., and K., another woman that we've been hanging out a bit with at parties and other lesbian events, decided to leave and go to Tangerine (Honestly, I knew it was time for me to go even before I was sharing a bowl of carrots with a quasi-vampire chick and her very pierced boyfriend as the strong smell of pot wafted by us from one of the balconies - Gawd I sound old and judgmental. I'm really not, I'm quite liberal. It's just not my thang, and I can't relate too well).

So, we left... We got to Tangerine's after midnight, and they ordered drinks at the bar. I pretty quickly became irritated, since what am I to do sitting at a bar...drink water, blah blah blah. It would be one thing if I had someone to talk to, but they were both drinking, and people who are drinking seem to have more to talk about - I don't know. I was having a bit of a pity party for myself, trying to fit my sober self into a non-sober world here. Friday night I seemed to be fine with it, except for the whole topless thing, and not really feeling I fit in there either. Hmmm, in my journal yesterday I said I didn't feel like an outsider anymore. I don't think that's exactly true. I feel included in the lesbian scene here, but I don't know that I belong...if that makes sense. Anyway, I went outside to call M. and while I was out there, my friend M.'s girlfriend called me from a bar in Oklahoma and attempted to drag me into her alcoholic drama. I swear, sometimes being a sober lesbian in alcoholic lesbian Fayetteville is SO not fun. I quickly became "Annoyed Sober Lesbian" and passed off the phone to M. The night ended after 2 am, when K. drove us back to get my truck. I was quite upset at myself for letting her drive us to and from the bar, knowing she had had waaaay too much to drink to be driving. I felt quite irresponsible in that regard.

Today I woke up early and got ready to go to the Unitarian Church. It was a wonderful service, and I really think that church is going to be a positive influence in achieving my goals in developing healthy and loving relationships with myself and others (to quote my 12-step CoDA group purpose).

After church, I went home and did some laundry, cleaned up my bedroom and office, and then went to the gym. I had a great workout and did something I said I wouldn't do. I weighed. I was feelin' great. And the scale rewarded me. I've lost 3 more pounds since Wednesday. Now I weigh 222. I can't believe how close I am to the 2-teens. Wow!!! My workout today consisted of 45 minutes on the elyptical, then 15 minutes in the sauna.

During my workout, I got a call from C. and she asked me if I wanted to go see Superman Returns with her, R. and R.'s roommate. I said sure and met them at the theater after I got showered and ran home to let the dogs out. It was a long movie. Good, not as good as the original, but how could it be? Superman looked just like the original, but Lois was NOTHING like the original Lois Lane. Looks NOR personality. I guess they had to "Hollywood" it up for ratings. I had a pickle and a liter of Dasani water during the movie. My stomach growled the whole way through the movie, since I'd only had spelt flakes, a banana, and two pieces of toast at breakfast, but nothing since. After the movie, I took myself to Ruby Tuesdays for dinner. I really wanted queso and chips with the salad bar, but I'm really really really wanting to reach my goal this time, so I did the salad bar and a baked potato. I had a few things on my salad that detracted from the health of it, like some shredded cheese, potato salad and southwest ranch dressing, but I still felt it was a better choice than cheese dip.

I went to Wal-Mart after the movie and bought some beauty care items and some new underwear. I almost bought size 7's since the 8's are not tight anymore, but I decided I'd get one set of the 8's and then next month move on to 7's. It's really weird how huge the 9's look now, and I rarely can wear them anymore without them creeping out of my pants. Also, all of my pants and shorts are way too huge now. I really need size 16's, but I just don't have the money right now to get any new clothes. Not sure what I'm going to do, because soon they will literally come off without unzipping them. Actually after one day of wear, they do slide right off my hips. It's wonderful, but not so wonderful because it's harder to show off my progress in baggy clothes.

Oh, I forgot to mention that last night I gave my roommate/landlord 30-days notice that I'm moving. I am not sure exactly where I'm going, but it's been 6 months, and this was a place I needed to be to recover from my relationship breakup. That's over now and I'm ready to be on my own again. Main reason is she's raising the rent, and I can get my own place for not too much more than the new rental rate here. Please send my good thoughts and energy for finding a place that's right for me and my future.

That was NOT a quick journal entry.

Weight: 222 pounds (total weight loss 88 pounds)

July 3, 2006

I got up early this morning and was at the health department by 8:20. My TB test was negative, though she said I have to be retested because the centimeter of the test site is larger than she'd like it to be. Yikes! I was in the waiting room for more than 30 minutes, so I didn't get to the gym until after 9:00. I had to be to work in Springdale at 11:30, so I just did my 45 minutes on the elyptical and 10 minutes in the sauna. I so wanted to stay in the sauna for a lot longer, but realized I was about to be late for my first appointment with my new client (I have a different client now than the young man who is deaf). I didn't have time to eat anything before I went - a true sign that I'm now addicted to working out, since I chose exercise over lunch. I brought a large ziploc bag of spelt pretzels, peanuts and raisins to snack on at work. I worked from 11:30 - 5:15. I got to get a few hours of sun while I worked, because I decided the program I took her to was not good for her, so I called her mom and my boss and asked if I could take her to the public pool for the afternoon. When I got home, I took the dogs for a walk. Then C. called and asked if I wanted to join a group of people for dinner at Olive Garden. I was all sweaty and yucky from the walk and from starting to clean all of my yard art to be packed, but I decided to get cleaned up and meet them over there. We were the typical loud group of lesbians that all the scared, straight people look at in restaurants, though I will say I'm the LEAST loud in the group. We had a great time, and I had no problem ordering only salad (had them bring my own with dressing on the side, since they always drench the heck out of it) and forgoing the breadsticks. After dinner, I went by the liquor store (not what you think) and the grocery store to get some moving boxes. They only had three little ones, but it's a start at least. My plan is to start packing a box or two every few days, so it will be an easy process. When I got home it was after 10:00, but I was feeling the need to work out again (ie addicted). I took myself for a run on the usual loop I take the dogs on. I ran about 3/4 of the whole way. I felt great!!! And what was so cool was how many groups of people I passed having 4th of July (they do realize it's only the 3rd right?), and how good I felt that I was exercising instead of eating and drinking alcohol. I am trying to be aware that my current fixation on exercise isn't one that I need to let get out of hand, but I can't help but be happy that it's an addiction that is at least a healthier one than I've chosen in the past. The other thing I've really been finding is that it's helping immensely in the emotional department too. When I have something on my mind and I can't seem to stop obsessing about it, I go exercise and I immediately feel better.

PS Started my period today. I was shocked to think that I'm at 222 AND I was PMSing. Wow, can't wait to weigh next week after the water weight goes away!

July 5, 2006

Yesterday I went to a 4th of July lesbian cookout. I brought mustard potato salad from the grocery deli and a package of portobella veggie burger patties for C. to grill for us vegetarians. We hung out and ate for a few hours, then I went home to walk the dogs. C. called later and asked if I wanted to go to her friends' house with a bunch of other lesbians to watch the fireworks. E. and she picked me up and we headed to south Fayetteville. We had a great time setting off fireworks, and then watching the big display. I love how quickly small events here turn into big lesbian bashes. I got home around 10:45 pm, and decided to go running. The gym was closed today, so I was dying to get a workout in. I was able to go 3/4 of the way again running, and handled it much better, with no side aches, and crazy breathing issues. When I got home, I did a set of ab crunches, and went to bed.

Today I worked from 10 am until 4:30 pm. I was running late for work, and made a poor choice of a cranberry-orange scone and a plain croissant from the grocery bakery. I also bought a bottle of water and a peach to take with me to work. I hate to admit how good the scone was, but I'll try to let the guilt part pass without giving it too much power. For lunch I had a can of Amy's vegan fire roasted vegetable soup and a few strawberries. I snacked on spelt pretzels, peanuts and raisins throughout the day. After work, I got a call from a lesbian who has a house for rent - she saw my ad on one of the lesbian listservs I'm on. I went home to let the dogs out, and then went by the house to check it out. Her girlfriend had called shortly after I left work and said I could stop by to see it and then call her if I wanted to see the inside. When I got there, she was outside. It was a cute little house, similar to the size of my Bentonville house - if you all remember seeing pictures of it. It's a two bedroom, 1 bath, with a small living room, small dining room, cute little kitchen, laundry room with washer and dryer, nice little front porch, huge back yard, and a storage building at the back of the property which leads to an ally. I'd be parking on the street in front of the house. It's on the same street that I currently live on, but it's a few miles south of the house I'm renting. I won't be able to walk to the post office or to Dickson Street anymore, but I'll actually be closer to the Square, so I can walk to the Farmers Market on Saturdays. I'm going to be moving in at the end of July, so I've got to get busy packing and getting myself ready for this new chapter. I'm SO looking forward to having my own place again. I'm ready!

I took for the dogs for a walk after we got back, and then I headed to the gym. I did 60 minutes on the elyptical and could have done more, but felt a little weird, like maybe I was overdoing it, so I got off and went to the sauna. I did 20 minutes, which was actually easy until the last 5 minutes - then I felt like I was getting claustrophobic, so I got out. It was a good workout, but for some reason I'm not feeling like I'm working out very hard. I'm not exhausted, and I am never sore. Sounds weird to say, but how can I do cardio for an hour and then sweat in 180 degrees for 20 minutes and not just want to pass out. I think my emotional psyche has taken over, and I'm in a new place (yea, it's called Obsessiveville). I'm a freak, I know.

When I got done, I went to Walgreens, after talking to K. on the phone about the sore throat and disgusting eye problem I developed today. My right eye is discharging green slime every 10 minutes. Are ya grossed out yet? Well, then you probably don't want to hear about the bloody flemball that I hocked up on my way home from Walgreens. I am not kidding. I feel like some mad scientist experiment gone sorely wrong. The Walgreens pharmacist barely wanted to talk to me. She said I have a viral infection and need to get medicine immediately. I have no insurance and no extra money! I called K. back and she said she has a prescription for pink eye that she'll give me tomorrow. Thank gawd for friends who don't care about proper medical treatment. I'm not sure how I'll feel in the morning, but if I feel like this, I'm thinkin' I probably should NOT go to work and expose my colleagues to this highly contagious infection. My roommate has already set up a quarantine upstairs to save her family from me. Ha!

Ok, going to bed now. Tired and sick, and still on my period. I feel like a mess (but hey, I'm still losing weight, so life's good - haha).

July 6, 2006

I woke up very sick still today. I had coughed all night and my eye was still swollen and matty and my other eye had become red and irritated too. I called in to work and said I was gonna get some medicine and that I'd be in late. I drove up to Springdale to my friend's house and picked up her pink eye medicine. It has an antibiotic in it, thank gosh!

I got to work about 11:45 and worked until 4:45. I had picked up a sunflower seed bagel and two side salads and a gallon of iced tea from Chick-fil-A, so that's all I ate all day.

After work, I had an emotional, but necessary, phone conversation with someone I care deeply for and this put a bit of a damper on the rest of my evening, but I did my best to have a good time. I messed around at home until it was time to pick up C., M. and L. to go to the Thursday night concert series at Gully Park. We took the dogs of course, and watched and listened to Jason D. Williams, an amazing singer and guitarist. It was a fun and lively show, but I was starving (and still emotional inside) the whole time.

We left the concert early and went to Common Grounds for dinner. I got my usual iced tea and birdseed salad. I ate the wheat roll, but didn't finish my salad.

When I got home, I immediately headed to the gym. My workout partner had text me earlier to work out, but since I was busy, we missed each other at the gym. I did 45 minutes on the elyptical machine, upping my resistance and speed this time. I burned 500 calories in 46 minutes instead of my usual 450. Then I did 300 crunches in the aerobics room, and got on the octane machine for 16 minutes. I burned 200 calories. I did the sauna after that for 20 minutes. Those last 5 minutes of my 20 are a killer! I feel like the time drags so slowly and often I get up and stand right at the door, like a person trapped in a prison, just waiting for my chance to escape. Exciting news for the week - weigh in today. 220 pounds. 2 more pounds lost, for a total of <drum roll> 90 pounds since I started this journey. I'm frickin ecstatic! I can not believe that this time next week I'll be in the two-teens. I'm so close now to 200 pounds that I can taste it.

Looking forward to sharing my July update picture with you all, but will wait til closer to the end of the month, so it will be more like a month since my last picture. Maybe by then I'll be nearer to 200!!! That would be awesome!!!

Perfect quote for today:
"It's never too late to be who you might have been."
- George Eliot

Weight: 220 pounds (total weight loss 90 pounds)

July 7, 2006

Today I got up at 7 am, way early for me, because I had a zillion things to do before I picked up my client (Arkansas Support Network) for the afternoon. I went to the post office, the bank to make a work deposit, the recycling center to drop off boxes of work recycling papers, my office to pick up my paycheck and to fax some case notes to my other job. Then went by my bank to deposit my check, and Wal-Mart to buy some new sport bras. I ended up buying size 38s and am so glad to have them, because my ONE other sport bra that I wear every single day to work out in, is completely and totally huge, which means when I do cardio, it's NOT pretty. While I was there, hurrying, I got a call from my client's mother saying she was getting her ready to go and found head lice when she was combing her hair. Grrrreeat. So that meant I was NOT picking her up and my day just got freed up. I decided this was a sign that I could go get a few new clothes for myself, since I knew we were going out tonight. I went to Old Navy and was hoping to find the exact same cargo pants I have in 18s and 20s, in 16s, but no such luck. I did however find a very sexy pair of camoflauge cargo pants in size 16, and two tshirts on clearance so I got those.

Ok, so here's my rant for my current weight loss situation. I can wear size 16 in the plus size section, I can wear XL tops now, and that's all absolutely fantastic. Here's the catch though. I can NOT yet wear size 16 in the "regular" sections of Old Navy. WHY do they have size 16 in plus and size 16 in regular and NOT have them be the same? Shouldn't it be size 0-14 is regular, then size 16-infinity is plus? Does that not make more sense to people? 16 is the ONLY size that crosses both sections, and they are NOT equivalent, which meant I had a huge blow to my ego when I tried to try on a huge stack of very cool, very hip size 16s from the regular section. Damn you Old Navy, damn you, I say!!! It's a good thing though, because I really only had enough money to be spending on a very few items, and the pants were more than $30, which I hate to spend on one article of clothing.

After that, I called my friends M. and L. and asked if they wanted to go to lunch. We went to Ruby Tuesdays and I had the salad bar. I did it again though, eating tortilla chips, club crackers, southwest style ranch and potato salad, which meant 1.) I didn't get enough greens in and 2.) I felt like crap afterwards. Why do I do that? I reminded myself that I would be going to work out after that, but STILL, it's not all about weight loss. It's about healthy eating!!!! I need to be more careful with my choices. It's not really that different to eat all of that (with my salad), then going to Acambaro and getting guacamole salad, chips and tortillas. It's really the same, and I need to see it that way.

I dropped the girls off and headed to the gym. I did 45 minutes on the elyptical machine, 15 minutes on the octane and 10 minutes in the sauna. One: I didn't have much time, because I had to pick them back up at 4:45 so L. could get on my computer while I was getting purty for the evening, and Two: I was really really low energy. My eyes have cleared up, which is super, but my serious cough has held on and seems to be worsening. I'm not taking any medicine for it, and haven't gone to the store to get any orange juice, which I really really need to do!

We went to the Lesbian Happy Hour at Tangerine's at about 5:45 pm. There was a huge spread of Mexican food catered in from a local restaurant, and surprisingly it didn't look the least bit appealing to me. Everyone else dug in, but I just got my usual ice water from my regular bartender (for some reason the fact that I DON'T drink makes the bartenders take to me, and they are always talking to me and saying I'm sweet). We played pool (I'm learning and getting better all the time - butches seem to love trying to teach me and offer me tips, and I don't resist the help - it's fun playing the little lesbian princess of the group). Then we hung out on the back porch for several hours. We had a great time, and as usual, C. and I were the only sober ones there. I hate when these women cross over to drunkness. It's so unappealing (though it does make for an interesting evening nearly every time we go out). After happy hour ended at 10 pm, we paid the cover and stayed to hang out more, watch the drag show and then dance. We danced until 2 am, when the club closed. I met two new girls with whom I have a feeling I will become good friends. Tonight was one of those nights I love the social side of me; I knew nearly every single woman in the club, and it's always fun to be the one to introduce people to new people they don't know. The best part of the night was that I felt attractive and sexy, not only in my clothes, but in myself. It's been such a great process to be coming out of the cocoon I stayed in for so many years. My confidence level has risen, the fact that I'm sober and surviving in this wild wild lesbian community, and the fact that everyone likes me for ME, has been so good for me. Yes, I struggle every night with the alcoholism that is running rampant here, and the few sober people I've met also struggle with it, but I will persevere. I love to dance, I love to socialize, I love my friends, and I don't drink or smoke. So I'm an oddity. I think it's great, and the people around me seem to think so too.

PS The only two parts of my body that I'm really really still uncomfortable with are the under parts of my arms, and my stomach. Very self conscious about it, and tonight a woman I was dancing with reached around me and was holding me on my stomach and I nearly had a fit. I was casual about it, but I promptly moved her hands to my hips instead. No no touchin' the belly!!! Not yet!

Oh and if you noticed, I only ate once today. Not good! I ate the Ruby Tuesday's lunch, but didn't make time for breakfast, nor did I do anything for dinner since we were at the club from 5:45 pm until 2 am

July 9, 2006

Another whirlwind weekend. Saturday morning I was up at 7:00 coughing up a lung. My eyes are fine now, but my cough has gotten progressively worse. I will not take medicine though.

I did some laundry, checked email, cleaned up my room, and then took the dogs for a walk down to the post office. Afterwards, I went to the gym to workout. I did 45 minutes on the elyptical, 15 minutes on the octane and then did 300 crunches. I showered and then ran by the house to grab my swimsuit, since S. called and asked me over to swim. Before I went over there, I went back to Old Navy and picked up two more pair of the cargo pants in size 16 - an olive and a khaki pair. I'm glad to have some pants that actually fit now. I swam at S.'s for a few hours and then hurried back to Fayetteville to pick up M. and L. to go to the L Word in Bentonville. We picked up Subway for dinner on the way - I got a veggie patty wrap, no chips. After L Word was over, we headed back to Fayetteville. I dropped them off, then went home to get ready to go out. I met them back at Tangerine, along with A., M. and K., three other friends. I didn't have a good time, and ended up leaving with A. around 1:30 in the morning. I took her home and then crashed myself around 2:30 am.

Sunday morning, at 8:00 am, I woke up to a backhoe in my backyard, right outside my window. My roommate's husband was clearing land to build a playground for their daughter and son. I was still coughing like crazy, and just decided to get up and get ready to go to church. I went to the Unitarian church and when I got out, N. called me (new lesbian I met Friday night), and asked if I wanted to hang out with her and her girlfriend today. I said I was going to the gym at 1:00 with K., but that I'd love to get together after that. I went by the grocery store and bought ingredients to make chips and salsa for them. I met K. at the gym at 1:15 and the elyptical machines were already full. I was super low energy and coughing like crazy, so I just got on the treadmill for 30 minutes (388 calories). I walked 25 of it and ran 5 of it. I weighed myself (no, i t has not been a week), and am now 216.5 pounds - that's 93.5 pounds lost. Woohoo! I love how the number goes down every few days. Makes me so happy!!! Afterward that, we were gonna do abs, but N. called again and they wanted to meet me for lunch. I was hurting, and tired, so I decided to call the workout over and headed home to change clothes. I met them at Friday's and ordered two sides of the chef's vegetable selection, which is wax beans, green beans and broccoli. It was super spicy, but I ate most of it, leaving some of the tough broccoli pieces. After lunch, I followed them back to their house, and D. came over to watch a movie with us. We watched "Failure to Launch." Cute movie, nothing phenomenal or anything, but cute. I wasn't hungry but D. ate the chips and salsa. After the movie, we hung out and talked for an hour or so. I came home and took the dogs for a walk. While I was walking, M. and L. called and wanted me to go out with them. I said I wasn't wanting to go to a club tonight (there was a drag show at Dickson Street Theater that they were considering going to). We agreed to Common Grounds to play Scattegories. I was wanting juice, so I ordered a pineapple juice. I finished that in about two seconds, so I ordered iced tea. I was hungry too, having only had a banana and the steamed veggies today, so I ordered the falafel pita with carrots and cucumber dill sauce. It was also super spicy, but I ate most of it, giving L. the last few bites, and the rest of my carrots. It's now after 1 am, and I just got home. I'm so tired, and need to give my body some rest.

Weight: 216.5 pounds (total weight loss 93.5 pounds)

July 10, 2006

I was up at 5:00 am this morning, coughing AGAIN. I stayed up with the cough, and working on the computer for an hour or so, then got back to bed for a few hours. Got up and showered. Dropped by the eye doctor to pick up my contacts refill, then went to S.'s office to pick up a bunch of moving boxes, so I can get my butt in gear for packing. After that I went to pick up my client (Arkansas Support Network). We were going to go do rock wall climbing at Lewis and Clarke, but she decided she wanted to go swimming. I didn't bring my suit, so we headed to Fayetteville for me to pick it up. We stopped by Wal-Mart so I could grab a shorts coverup for my suit, ran by my house, then Ozark Natural Foods for me to grab a vegan veggie burrito for lunch, then Wilson Pool to go swimming. I didn't realize the burrito was 90% black beans, which meant after I picked them all out (ugh, beans are nasty!), I ended up with a few bites of rice, tomato and squash with a wheat tortilla. Ok, but not what I was hoping for. We swam for about 3 and a half hours and were both exhausted afterwards. I got just enough sun and some exercise, so I was pleased. I took her home, then went over to N. and T.'s house to hang out. I came home around 9:30 and planned to go workout, but when K. said she wasn't going, I decided to give exercise a break for the night, hoping that my cough and cold would get better. I drank a quart of orange juice today hoping for the same thing. I'm going to bed now. Need to get a full night of sleep for once.

PS I'm having a bit of anxiety about not working out tonight, after such a lightweight exercise routine last night. But I'm going to try to let it go.

July 16, 2006

Been a week since I journaled. Life has been crazy and crazy busy to say the least. Loads of lesbian drama that I REALLY did not intend to get involved or involve myself in. Worked Tuesday-Thursday. Had a GLBT Community Center meeting Tuesday night. Wednesday night I think I went out with M. and L. (that was a long time ago and a lot has happened since then, trying my best to remember). Thursday worked an early shift at work, and went over to N.'s house around 2:30. She drove me around Farmington and near her house looking for places for me to rent with M., a new woman I met a few weeks ago. Then we went back to her house and hung out before we headed to Fayetteville to pick up M. and L. to go to Gully Park for the concert series. It was Cate Brothers. Pretty good show, low key music. We stayed for a little over an hour, then went to Common Grounds for dinner. After dinner, we went to Grubb's Bar so they could have some beers. I had water of course. After that, I planned to go to the gym, but I didn't end up going, I don't think - maybe I did. I can not remember!

Friday morning I went back to the health department to get a followup TB test, but it was PACKED, and I wanted to work out, so I went to the gym instead. I worked out for a few hours and then picked up my client to go swimming. We swam for 3 hours and then I went to the doctor's office in Rogers to get a med check for my Celexa. It has been more than a year and a half since I was last seen by a doctor, since I take such a low dose of the medicine. I got another year refill. I went back to Fayetteville and picked up A., M. and L. and we went to Qdoba Mexican Grill for the lesbian happy hour event. After a few hours there, they left with K. to go back to Ashley's to hang out. I stayed for an hour or so longer to hang with S. and K., and then I went home to change clothes for the evening. I went over to A.'s house and we hung out for a while before going to the club. We picked up some more friends, A. and M., and went to Dickson St. Theater for hip-hop night - ladies get in free. It was excellent music and I loved dancing, but let me tell you, straight people are freaks!!!! It's a straight club, and in the course of the 4 hours we were there, the cops came and went several times due to 3 men-men fights, 1 man-woman fight and 1 woman-woman fight - all straight people. That NEVER happens in the gay clubs. I was a little freaked out, and being the ONLY sober one NOT thinking it was funny, meant I felt quite alone. Once again, all of my friends got shit-faced drunk, and I drove us when the club closed. They wanted to go to a strip club afterwards, but somehow plans changed to going back to M.'s house to hang out. I was exhausted, but felt responsible to get everyone home, since several of them were still drinking. I finally got them to call it a night around 3:30 in the morning. (I was in a mood too due to some lesbian drama that I got myself mixed up in.)

Saturday I was up at 7:00 to get the dogs to their annual vet appointment up in Rogers. After that, I met up with M. to go looking at houses and duplexes for us to rent. We drove around West of Fayetteville (Farmington) most of the early afternoon, had lunch at Common Grounds (birdseed salad for me), then drove around south of Fayetteville (Elkins) a bit in the afternoon before meeting a realtor back in Farmington at 4:00. I think we decided we want the duplex there, but needed a third roommate (or a couple) to rent the other room and keep our costs down. That evening I found one more place to look at in Fayetteville near where I live now. M. and the owner of the home met me at the house and we looked it over. I think she's gonna be a good roommate, if all works out ok. Later, M. and L. called and asked me to go to Olive Garden for dinner. I was in a funk, but wanted to still be somewhat healthy, so I ordered salad and linguine in fresh herb tomato sauce. I ate it all and two bites of L.'s eggplant parmesan. I didn't eat a bite of the bread though. The rest of the evening I spent dealing with some OTHER lesbian drama and decided to just call it a night. I went to bed around 10:45 pm. I needed a break from everything.

This morning I woke up at 9:00 am to get ready for church. I went to the Unitarian Church and enjoyed the sermon on how animals teach us about ourselves and our surroundings. It was nice, and I'm starting to know people there, which is a good feeling.

After church, I took the dogs for a walk, and nearly killed all three of us in the process. The temperature today was over 100 degrees and we were all soaked with sweat by the time we got home. After that I went to the gym and had a good workout. I did 45 minutes on the elyptical, 300 ab crunches, and 20 minutes in the sauna. I weighed today and I've now lost 97 pounds. I can not believe I'm 3 pounds away from the 100 pound weight loss mark. That's shocking!!! I'm only 14 pounds away from being under 200 pounds!! I've lost 20 pounds in a month. I'm so stoked, I'm not stopping now. I'm so determined to hit my goal now, I can taste it. I'll be updating my pictures next weekend. My roommate said my legs are looking really good. I'm still angry at my stomach, but I'm just gonna keep pluggin' away, and I know with all the cardio I do, and the abs, it's GOT to keep getting smaller. I don't care about having 6 pack abs or anything, but I want it flat, and I won't settle for less. Period. (PS I bought some size 16 junior shorts today and 2 size Large tshirts. I can not believe I'm wearing size Large. That's amazing to me. I can't fathom when I can actually buy Mediums! Oh the options I'll have!

Weight: 213 pounds (total weight loss 97 pounds)

July 18, 2006

Yesterday I went and had my 2nd TB test at the health department. Then I went and picked up my client and her sister and we headed for the pool. Before we got there, I ran by Subway and got a veggie patty wrap to go, that I could eat for lunch at the pool. We swam for a few hours and then I hung out in the afternoon with N. and in the evening with N. and T. I worked out after I left, but only for 45 minutes on the elyptical. I was tired.

Today I was up early and at work by 8:45 am. I worked until 1:15 and then left for the day. I spent the afternoon with a friend and then this evening I worked out with K. I had a killer workout. Did 45 minutes on the elyptical, resistance set at 3, strides kept mostly around 150/minute. After I got off, I decided to get on the treadmill, since K. said we had another 20 minutes of cardio to do. I started out walking at 4.0 mph at an incline of 7.5. After .19 mile I pulled the incline down to a 2 and upped the speed to 5.1. I jogged for 1.5 miles. I was only shooting for .75 to 1 mile, since N. said she wants me to run with her and she can do that amount. I wanted to be sure I could keep up with her. I felt great at 1 mile and decided to shoot for 1.25. At 1.25 I told K I was gonna go for 1.5. I made it and surprisingly could have gone further, but my 20 minutes was up, and she was done with cardio. I felt like a million dollars. I haven't ever run 1 mile straight without stopping once. It wasn't a hard core run or anything, but 5.1 mph is great for me, it was a fast jog, I'd say. Ok, N., let's go....I'm ready.

My eating has been excellent, though I haven't been eating enough. I've only had one thing that I've done that I won't do again. I had made homemade salsa last week, and still had a jar left in the fridge. So last night I went to the grocery store and got a medium bag of 0 g trans fat tortilla chips. I ate some last night, some before my workout tonight and some when I got home. I felt like crap all three times afterwards. I will give away the leftover salsa next time instead of feeling the need to have chips with it.

July 19, 2006

I worked today from 10 am - 3 pm. Ate some spelt flake cereal and soy milk with blackberries for breakfast. After work, I spent the afternoon at my house doing some packing. I met up with A. and S. at Arsaga's for some tea and conversation about our potential living situation. M. showed up later to continue our discussions. K. and I were supposed to work out at 9 pm, but she called and said she needed to do a few things before we worked out. Never heard from her, which ended up ok, because the girls and I talked until Arsaga's closed at 11 pm. I was gonna go to the gym alone, but came home instead - was exhausted. Very long, emotional day today. So much on my mind. I might go running in the neighborhood in a minute, if I can get my ass outta the house. It's nearly midnight, but I feel safe in this neighborhood.

August 7, 2006

It's been weeks since my last update. All of the emails from you all checking on me have not gone unnoticed.

Starting the day after my last update, I began moving into a place in Farmington, Arkansas, just west of Fayetteville. I'm living with 3 other lesbians, one couple and one other single woman. The couple have two cats, so we have 4 animals (with my two dogs) and 4 humans. Surprisingly it's not crowded. It's a 3 bedroom, 2 bath duplex, with a 2 car garage, huge driveway, laundry room with washer and dryer, huge kitchen, dining room, living room, 2 hall closets, a double fenced back yard, a nice sloping front yard with a covered front porch. We're completely moved in, no boxes left to unpack, and just a handful of wall art left to hang. All of our decor compliments each other and we have made it "home."

The last month I've been going out way too much, working out like crazy, eating really well, and overall living the busiest life I've ever led. I still have my two part time jobs, and have been running 1.2 miles with my roommate, and now my other roommate (her girlfriend) has joined us. The going out part, and the involvement in the lesbian community here has taken its toll on me, and I'm backing off. I've been close to drinking and smoking pot and have to stop engaging with the people that live that type of life. Boni and I have talked several times, and being that she knows me probably better than anyone, she's given me some serious talking to about the dangerous behaviors I've become involved with, or around I guess is more accurate. We're going to have our housewarming party (less than 20 people invited) Saturday, and then I'm going to start having L Word Marathons here every other Saturday. I'm ready to settle in and start having small gatherings of people over here for potlucks, game night, movie night, dinners, etc....the "partying" part has to stop, before I get myself in deeper than I already am and actually start drinking. I had stopped going to my CoDA meetings, even stopped walking the dogs, because I've made myself so busy that my normal, day-to-day things that kept me balanced, are now completely out of whack. I'm done. I want my life back and have to take action to TAKE it back. (I actually smoked nearly a pack of cigarettes two weeks ago, and then this weekend I smoked another pack and a half. I'll be honest and say it probably saved me from getting out of my car and going into the liquor stores that I've parked outside of a few times the last month. I know I don't want to "start" smoking again, but I also know I've relied on it during this difficult time.)

My exercise routine has been to go the gym and do 45 minutes of cardio, then do some abs and/or sauna and then go running 1.2 miles with my roommate. I can run the whole way without stopping now, which is awesome!

I hit my 100 pound weight loss mark this week. I now weigh 210 pounds, and am wearing size Large tops and size 14/16 bottoms. My 38DD bra is too big, but I'm not quite to the 36DD yet. I still can't believe I can shop in the "normal" section of stores for tops and bottoms. It's quite shocking, and a little scary/overwhelming. Do you know how long it's been since I actually had more than a 10' x 10' section of plus size clothes to pick from in stores?

Ok, so now you know what's up with me. I plan to get updated pictures this week, but we are trying to get things ready for the party this weekend, so it's possible it won't be til Sunday when I get them done. I can't wait to be able to share my latest progress.

Weight: 210 pounds (total weight loss 100 pounds)

August 16, 2006

We had our housewarming party this weekend and everyone really enjoyed themselves. There were probably 20 or so people who showed up. We had an array of wonderful vegan dishes - vegan Knorr spinach dip (made with vegan sour cream and Veganaisse instead of sour cream and mayonaisse), my homemade salsa and guacamole, raw celery/carrots, tortilla chips (yep, I ate some), mushrooms/pineapple/onions/green bell peppers/squash/zucchini/dill pickles for making veggie shishkabobs on the grill, and Morningstar Grillers, whole wheat buns, lettuce, tomatoes, red onions, and dill pickles for veggie burgers on the grill. It was BYOB and then I also served unsweet decaf iced tea. One guest brought fresh peaches from a local orchard. Another guest brought raw carrots with a homemade, raw asian tahini dressing. And still another guest brought a bottle of sparkling pure fruit drink. I pigged out. Seriously. I ate so much food and loved every bit of it.

I've been struggling a lot with friendships, relationships with myself and others. I finally got my ass to a 12-step meeting last night and then met with one of my friends in recovery. It was the start of my journey back to living healthy again. I'm going to be ok, it just is going to take some time and patience on my part. I know I deserve to be happy and I have to stop doing things that get in the way.

I'm still exercising nearly every day, either running or doing the elyptical machine, sometimes both. I haven't lost more weight this week, as I've been emotional eating the last several days. I'm not overeating on unhealthy foods, but I am overeating. I still haven't kicked the smoking habit that I picked back up several weeks ago. I know I'm doing the best I can, and I'll get everything in order when I'm ready. I still haven't taken my updated photos, but definitely plan to this week!!!

August 21, 2006

Ok, so I still have not updated my pictures. One reason is I've been busy, but the passive-aggressive reason is that I've gained 8 pounds in the last week and I don't wanna show my progress until I'm back to 210. Hey, I'm vain, what can I say?? Anyway, thankfully I started my period today, so I'm chalking most of the 8 pounds up to the PMS I've been suffering the last 10 fricken days! Oh and the fact that I can't seem to stop eating probably hasn't helped. Anyway, I ate shitty today at Acambaro, where I've not eaten in months! After I ate, I started my period, so it all made sense to me.

My daily food the last week to 10 days has been some healthy cereal with raisins and pecans and almond milk...Lunch has been skillet-grilled veggies in a tortilla with homemade salsa, some vegan spinach dip and uh...tortilla chips, dinner has been salad or steamed veggies or handfuls of homemade trail mix or a fruit smoothie made with almond milk, or more cereal, depending on the level of PMS I was experiencing at that moment.

Let's see, Friday I didn't do anything. Saturday day didn't do anything (anything is a relative term, I of course, did things, but nothing exciting - just ran errands and grocery shopped). Saturday night I held a pathetically-attended L Word Marathon, to which I promptly cancelled the rest of the Marathons scheduled for Season 2 and 3. I don't want to waste my time if people here aren't going to support it. The one person who did show up is a good friend of mine and we had a great time just talking and eating vegan spinach dip, pretzels and celery. Sunday morning I went to the Unitarian Church. I got really depressed in the afternoon (now I know it was ultimate PMS getting a hold of me), then in the evening I met friends at HOWL, a women's poetry/prose/singing event held once a month. It was very inspiring and got me wanting to start writing again - journaling and poetry. After HOWL, a group of us went to Common Grounds for dinner. I had my regular "birdseed salad," and tried not to pay attention to the loaded nachos and pizza that everyone else was enjoying. I had a wonderful time and got to know some people that had only been acquaintences in the past. These are the kinds of people that I really need to be socializing with, and it felt very healthy and rewarding to have made the choice to connect with them.

I didn't work out Friday, Saturday or Sunday. Tonight I went to the gym and was supposed to meet K., but she ended up calling to cancel due to a flat tire. Before she called, I had gotten there early and told her I'd do weights while I waited for her to get there for us to do our regular cardio routine. I did 200 crunches on the abdominal weight machine, did some leg weight machines, and a few arm weight machines. I felt really good and was already sweating when she called to cancel. I decided to get on the treadmill and just run. I ran 2 miles!!!! 2 miles!!! 2 miles!!!! Straight, without stopping. I did it in 22 minutes, which means I am running 11 minute miles. I'd like to see myself running a 9 or 10 minute mile eventually, but just the fact that I can run 2 miles straight blows me away. I told my brother last week on the phone that I'd like to eventually run a half marathon, so I really need to be upping what I can run anyway. I'm amazed by people like Todd who run like 6 miles at a time. Wow! But seeing how I've progressed over the last few months from a 1/4 mile to now 2 miles, I know I can eventually do it. I'm gonna keep striving for 1.5 to 2 miles at a time for now and when I feel ready I'll move up. I still can't believe it, though. Even typing it doesn't make it seem real. I'm really proud of myself. And, I hate to admit it, but I'm still smoking cigarettes, so the fact that I can do that WHILE I'm actively being a "smoker" is a bit scary to me. I mean, I guess because my overall health is really good, the smoking hasn't impacted my workouts...YET. I know that eventually it will catch up to me, and I'll start to really feel the effects on my workouts. Hacking up a lung while I run will not be very attractive. Hopefully that will be my incentive to stop for real (Each day I start out saying I'm not going to smoke, and usually by the evening, I'm really wanting one, er...several).

Anyway, I've got to be at work early tomorrow morning, so I'm gonna close.

Weight: 218 pounds (total weight loss 92 pounds)

August 24, 2006

Today was the first day I've gone without a cigarette. I almost hate to jinx it by writing it down, but I really do want to quit this nasty habit I've picked up over the last month. I know I can do it. I mean I had quit for nearly 5 years before. I guess it was my crutch the last month. Now, though life isn't necessarily any better, my coping mechanisms seem to be coming back into place, and I want to stop using cigarettes to deal with stress and emotional issues.

My eating isn't exactly phenomenal right now, though it's also not horrid either. I'm eating some packaged vegan meals, like Simply Asia pasta bowls, and Fantastic Foods veggie taco mix, and peanut butter and honey sandwiches on Ezekial bread. Not horrid, but not great either. I could be doing worse, could be doing better. Gonna just be where I'm at and be ok with that. I did go to Wal-Mart tonight and picked up some mangoes, red pears, yellow pears, oranges and bananas. I also got some green onion, red onion, cilantro and tomatoes to make some pico de gallo. I bought a little 3 cup food chopper at Wal-Mart last week, because I'm getting tired of chopping up things by hand. I tried to make some pico in my Vita-Mix last week, but that machine is TOO good and wouldn't just chop up the ingredients, it pulverized everything and I ended up with a salsa...a delicious salsa, but a salsa none-the-less.

I went to the gym after work today and met K. there. I did 30 minutes on the elyptical machine, then 17 on the treadmill. I tried to run a bit, but was really exhausted. We then did some arm weights and that was it for the day. I fell yesterday at work (our entire downstairs flooded 3 inches and I didn't realize it was as bad as it was until I was laid out flat on the floor after the fall). I landed on my bad knee, so I'm sore and having a bit of a hard time putting a lot of pressure on it. I weighed at the gym, and my weight is down to 215.5. I would have liked to see it be 213 after I'd started my period, but I know it's all the carbs I've been eating!

August 27, 2006

Had a great weekend. Friday night I met my friend R. at Mordours, a new pizza/coffee shop in Fayetteville. I went late, knowing she'd be eating pizza, and hoping that it would be all gone by the time I got there. No such luck. I ended up eating half the veggie supreme pizza she ordered. I hadn't had pizza in months. It was good, but I had HUGE guilt pangs afterwards. Then we went to Barnes and Noble to look at books. I had a cup of decaf coffee while I looked around. Saturday I left to meet K. at the gym to work out, but she didn't end up showing up, so I worked out alone. Later, my roommate M. and I went to The Dart Room for my new friend S.'s birthday. It wasn't really my crowd, but I wanted to support S., so we hung out for a few hours. My other two roommates showed up a bit later, but it was when we were ready to leave, so M. and two other women left with me and we went to Hugo's for dinner. I've heard Hugo's is known for two things, 1.) unbelievable french fries and 2.) grasshopper crepes (pastry with chocolate/mint ice cream and chocolate syrup drizzled on top). I didn't order either and settled on two house salads with poppyseed vinaigrette dressing. It was good, but I definitely was not full and when I got home I had corn grits and Ezekial toast with soy butter. Today I went to the Unitarian Church, then went over to my friend R.'s house to take pictures of the furniture she's trying to sell before she moves out to San Jose, California in a couple of weeks. After that I went home for lunch and my friend M. came over for a brief visit. I went to the gym in the afternoon with K., then went to Common Grounds for dinner with about 10 other people from Interweave, the GLBT group of the Unitarian Church. Great weekend. Healthy and fun. Really glad about the changes I've been making, and the people that are in my life right now.

I haven't lost any more weight, and know it's due to the lack of high raw I'm doing right now. I had salad last night, and salad tonight for dinner. It's not the food I'm eating when I go out, it's the food I'm eating at home...which seems totally opposite of how I used to be. I've been purchasing too many non-natural products at the grocery store to be losing weight right now. Some of the things I'm eating at home are Fantastic Foods vegetarian chili, vegetarian taco meat, vegetarian sloppy joe mix, vegetarian nature burger mix, wheat tortillas, soy butter, soy sour cream, soy yogurt, manna bread, Ezekial bread, Ezekial cereal and even some truly processed, packaged meals like Simply Asia's vegan noodle bowls. I'm still eating relatively healthy, but, and it's a big BUT...I know that I gain weight from eating these type of foods. It's what I'm craving, yes, but I'm craving it, because I'm eating it. It's a vicious cycle. I eat carbs, I crave carbs. Bottom line. I'm working out a lot, which means I'm more hungry. But I would like to see me feeding myself foods that truly nurture my body, filling it with nutrients that work with my exercise, instead of against it. More fruits, more salads, more steamed veggies. I won't waste what I've purchased, but am going to work to stop restocking these items in the fridge and pantry.

I got one of these email chain letters that I responded to, so I thought I'd share my responses with the rest of the world. Hope you enjoy it, or at least get a good laugh at it.

Things you may not have known about me.....

A) Four jobs I have had in my life:

1. Worked in a tanning salon in high school. Was fired because I left the vacuum cleaner out overnight. (Seriously, that's what they said to me the next day - the real reason is because I wouldn't sleep with the manager!)

2. Worked in a fried chicken fast food restaurant. The day I quit, the boss said I couldn't leave because I was wearing one of their shirts. Uhh, do ya know me at all? I proceeded to take my shirt off in the lobby, throw it at him and walk out the front door to my car (at the shock of the restaurant customers and my coworkers).

3. Self-employed as an Artist Manager. I represented artists, primarily my partner at the time, in getting their artwork into galleries, coffee houses, restaurants, bars, shows, etc. I was voted Critics Pick "Best Promotion of One Women's Art" by the Austin Chronicle in 2000. That was exciting!

4. Worked as the Volunteer Mailroom Coordinator for the Texas Department of Health. Worked with more than 700 people with disabilities throughout the 4 years I worked there. Loved working with the people with disabilities, did not like working with the ones without!

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:

1. Harry Potter (any of em)
2. Grease
3. Beetlejuice
4. The Sweetest Thing

C) Four places I have lived:

1. Boca Raton, Florida
2. Millington, Tennessee (just outside of Memphis - military town, lived with my fiance who was in the Navy)
3. Austin, Texas (23 years)
4. All over Northwest Arkansas (Bella Vista, Bentonville, Gentry, Springdale-very briefly, Fayetteville, Farmington)

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:

1. Friends
2. Seinfeld
3. My Name is Earl
4. Cops!!!!!

E) Four places I have been on vacation:

1. Disney World
2. Panama City Beach, Florida
3. Key West, Florida
4. Puerto Rico (ok, it was for work, but sorta felt like a vacation)

F) Four people I talk with daily:

1. Simon (my toy poodle) and Suki (my teacup chihuahua)
2. Melodie (one of my roommates)
3. Sheena (one of my roommates)
4. Ashley (one of my roommates)

G) Four of my favorite foods:

1. Pizza (try not to eat it, but it's a favorite)
2. Chips and Queso (try not to eat it, but it's a favorite)
3. Spelt flakes with raisins and pecans and almond milk (not as exciting as pizza and queso is it?)
4. Peanut butter and honey on sprouted grain bread (ok, favorite is a subjective term)

H) Four places I would like to be right now:

1. At the beach
2. Eating popcorn and cinnamon gummy bears and watching Laurence Welk and Minnie Pearl with my Grandma
3. Swimming in a pool or hanging out in a hot tub with a big ole' iced tea
4. Journaling on a patio at a coffee shop (there aren't coffee shops here in Fayetteville the way they were in Austin - with patios and open 24 hours a day)

August 31, 2006

New pictures. I look like an alien, ha ha! My eyes sometimes look so bug-eyed. I could pick apart my new pictures but the only other thing I'll say is I need size 14 pants!!! Look how baggy my ass looks in my "back" picture. I've got to get some new clothes! My picture reflects my current weight of 215. I'd love it to have been 210, so I could show my 100 pound weight loss mark. Ah well, next month!

I'm going through the carb foods in my pantry and fridge and am going to stock things back up with fruits and veggies, and stop the processed foods. I really want to get back to high raw again. It's time. I know it will kickstart more weight loss too. I have a new goal. I want to be to goal weight of 170-175 by Christmas. That's 40-45 pounds in 4 months. I can do that. Focus.

I didn't work out Tuesday or Wednesday, but dragged my butt out of the house tonight and went for a 1.2 mile run. Felt good, just wish I would have worked out the past two days. I hate that I can't just be happy that I worked out tonight. Instead I have to beat myself up for what I didn't do.

September 6, 2006

My cabinets and fridge are finally empty of soy "beef" crumbles, tortillas, Ezekial bread, cereal, soy sour cream, etc. I've been transitioning back to a higher raw, healthier diet, er...lifestyle. I'm not going to be rigid or anything, but I'm going to go back to the way I was eating before...lotsa salads, fruit, fruit smoothies, nuts/seeds/raisins, steamed veggies, potatoes, and juices. I already feel better just the last few days of healthier eating.

Saturday night and Sunday day and night, I ate really poorly, as I had a good friend in town, and I cooked for her and my roommates before our Game Night. I made a horribly fattening, greasy taco salad casserole that my mom always made as a child. Then before she left town Sunday evening, we had dinner at the Flying Burrito and I had loaded nachos. Ever since, I've gotten back into healthy eating and feel really good.

I've also stopped smoking. I hate to write it down, for fear of not "making it" this time. I've quit a few times over the last month and haven't made it. The last cigarette I had was at 4 am Tuesday morning, which was almost 48 hours ago. I'm coughing like crazy, but it's to be expected since my body is looking for the smoke of a cigarette.

I went running tonight, as I did last night. 1.2 miles without stopping both nights. I hadn't worked out Saturday, Sunday or Monday. Friday I had gone to the gym before my friend came into town and had a super workout. I ran 20 minutes and made it 1.75 miles without stopping. Then I took an Abs Extreme class before heading home.

Sunday afternoon, my friend and I went shopping at Old Navy. I bought 3 pair of pants in size 14, which wouldn't zip up. I'll be working the next few weeks to get into them. I was talking with a friend at work today and figured out that I'll probably make a size 10 my goal size, thinking an 8 would look icky on my frame. I'm not attached to the size, but it is exciting to think about the progress I'll be making over the next few months.

You've probably noticed the journal page is dwindling. A lot of people have not been posting, so for posts that are more than a month old, I'm deleting the link. I want my site to be as updated as possible. Also, I have no plans to add new journalers to the site, because quite frankly, I'm tired of having people join, be excited, then go away after a month or less of journaling. This is a lifestyle, a commitment, through the hard times, and the not-so-hard times. I've been on this journey since January 2004, almost three years now. I want to surround myself with people who will keep on keeping on, even when they (we) fall off the healthy-living wagon. The site may end up one day being just little ole me, and that's ok with me. That's how it started and it will be what it will be. Hope you'll stick with me and those journalers who "keep on keepin on" with me.

September 7, 2006

I had some of my leftover Manna fruit/nut bread while I snacked on pecans, peanuts, spelt pretzels, raisins, sunflower seeds and almonds for breakfast. I guess I do still have some bread left in the fridge. For lunch, my friend C. came to my office to trim the trees in my parking lot. I treated her to lunch to return the favor. We went to Qdoba Mexican Grill. I got my usual grilled veggie burrito, no cheese, no sour cream. When I got home late this afternoon, I made a monstrous salad and enjoyed it immensely. Snacked on raw cashews later in the evening and had a glass of chocolate milk (almond milk mixed with carob powder, mesquite powder powder, agave nectar).

I ran 1.2 miles again tonight. Haven't been to the gym in over a week, but am still getting in my cardio workout with running. The most annoying thing (and quite funny actually) happened while I was running tonight. My underwear kept falling down. I was getting so pissed and kept having to reach in my shorts and pull them up from around the bottom of my bum. It was distracting me from having a good run, guess it's time for me to move to size 7s. Cool, but bummer too, considering I JUST bought another 5 pair of size 8s. Don't suppose it would be good etiquette to drop my slightly-worn underwear off at a consignment shop, would it?

Still haven't smoked, though today was quite hard, with my friend C. lighting one up in the parking lot.

Oh, I finally got on the myspace.com bandwagon. Click here to view my personal page. (I'll tell ya though, I don't like the spamming "add me to your friends" that happens, so I generally only add people I actually know in real life.)

September 9, 2006

Got a better picture finally. Hated that alien one and at dinner tonight, someone told me to change my myspace picture immediately! So I did. Here's a full picture (with my friend cropped out for privacy). This was taken last night at the going away party I hosted for her.

I ate really well at the party last night, EXCEPT for the multiple oreo-cookie-cream-cheese-bakers-chocolate truffles that I shoveled in my mouth. No maam!!!

This morning, I drove R., a new friend of mine, to Tulsa, Oklahoma for her taekwon do tournament and so I could hang out with my friend, M. for the day. I ate some leftover fruit salad that I made for the party last night on the drive up there. Then, the rest of the day I ate like a fricken pig, forgoing my healthy eating choices at 2 of the 3 places we went to....We ate at Brookside by Day for a late breakfast. I had a veggie omelet with egg whites, breakfast potatoes (ok, call them french fries why dontcha), and whole grain toast...with iced tea. We shopped around Brookside for a bit, then went to meet some of her friends for lunch (not even an hour after we finished brunch!) at The Elephant Bar Restaurant. I ordered a side salad of mixed fresh greens, roasted pecans and blue cheese crumbles...with iced tea. Afterwards, we went to the mall for a bit before we had to pick up R. from her tournament. What did we do after we picked her up? Drove to Cherry Street to have lunch at Jason's Deli. I had the salad bar, but ate too many of those jalepeno cornbready things and had ranch dressing on my salad. I also drank a coke (gasp) and then switched to iced tea. I was tempted to make a coke float with the fountain coke and soft serve ice cream, but made one for R. instead. We walked around a bit in the Cherry Street district before heading back to my car for R. and I to head home.

When we got back to Springdale, Arkansas, R. and her girlfriend asked if I wanted to go with them to the Lesbian Friends in the City dinner at Jose's. I'd only eating 4 times today, so sure why not? We went and I ordered a guacamole salad, nix the cheese and taco shell. I picked at it along with some tortilla chips, and drank an iced tea. I waaaay overate today. Gotta get back to it tomorrow, and must go running, since I didn't work out Friday or Saturday.

When I got home, my friend H. came over and she, two of my roommates and I watched "Connie and Carla." It's been a great weekend so far, but I can tell I'm very exhausted. Have to do some computer work tomorrow afternoon after I get home from church and helping my friend get the Uhaul loaded for her cross-country move to California on Monday.

September 12, 2006

Sunday I didn't get up for church (oops). Did go to my friend R.'s house to help her along with a dozen of her friends get her packed and loaded into the Uhaul. I didn't do much else but worked around the house on random projects.

I met my friend H. for lunch on Monday at Ozark Natural Foods. I had a big yummy salad. Went to Hobby Lobby to pick up some art supplies, then went over to Atlanta Bread Company for a plain bagel and iced tea (was craving bread, I guess). I also smoked a few cigarettes. I quit for several days, then ended up smoking a few cigarettes a day for the last several days. I keep thinking I'm ready to quit, then I don't.

Started my period today. That's good, cause I went to a Mexican restaurant and ate guacamole salad, tortillas, chips, salsa, and even some white queso. Let's face it, that's my excuse.

I didn't work out all weekend, so tonight I met K. at the gym and we had a good "getting back to it" workout. I did 30 minutes on the elyptical machine, then we did three sets of our ab exercises (which totals 320 crunches), and finished with 10 minutes in the sauna. I gained a few pounds this week, which I'm attributing to PMS.

I got creative yesterday and today and worked on three art projects. Felt so good to get out of my head and get into...I don't know...a healthy outlet. And I am really really proud of the way it all turned out.

September 18, 2006

Life is good!!! I had a fanastic weekend, I'm eating wonderfully, exercising and overall just feeling really great.

Friday night I met some friends for dinner at our usual hotspot, Common Grounds. I had birdseed salad, my regular. Then several of us went to Pride Street Live to watch the Moma's Boys, a drag king troupe from Springfield, Missouri. For those of you who don't know, drag kings, are women who dress up in men's clothes, facial hair, etc. and perform to male-sung-songs, performance pieces, etc. It was phenomenal!

Saturday I slept in, then worked out by myself late in the afternoon. That night, I picked up my friend R. and we went to Tangerine's to dance. There were some people there that were less than friendly to me, due to some past drama, and I wasn't in the mood for the tension in the air, so we left and went to Pride Street Live to dance some more.

Sunday I dragged my tired ass out of bed and went to church. After church, I went to lunch with my friend, E., at Olive Garden. I had a bowl of the vegan minestrone soup and two bowls of salad (ate the croutons, but passed on the bread). My friend, H., came over after lunch and we watched "Higher Learning." I got hungry again so we ate some skillet green beans, carrots and red pototoes (I had steamed some the day before, and these were leftover, so I reheated them with some olive oil in the skillet). Then we had a yummy strawberry-blueberry-banana-almond milk (and agave nectar and Frontier vanilla extract) smoothie for dessert. That evening, I went to HOWL, the women's monthly poetry/prose reading in Fayetteville. There were 50 women there. It was a wonderful evening. After HOWL, a group of 10 of us went over to Common Grounds. I had my usual birdseed salad and we ended up hanging out until 12:30 am.

I had a fantastic, but exhausting weekend. Great friends, great food, great events! What more can I ask for?

Today I went to my friend S.'s gym with her, to help her get a workout routine set up for her. We did 7 minutes on the stairmaster, 13 minutes on the treadmill at an incline, and then 10 minutes on the bicycle. Then we went to the classroom and we did a set of abs exercises, and then a set of arms exercises with weights. We finished the workout with 17 minutes in the dry sauna. We went to Atlanta Bread Company afterwards for lunch. I had the greek salad, no roll, but 2 packs of saltine crackers. I didn't finish the salad, because, although I asked the server to toss the salad with less than normal amounts of dressing, it was still pretty soppy.

This afternoon I've got a board meeting at work, and then tonight I'm going with my friend E. to see The Black Dahlia.

Oh almost forgot. I've been asked by Frederic Patenaude, raw food educator, to give him an interview on me and my journey. I declined in my first communication with his....not sure what the woman's role is who emailed me on his behalf. Anyway, she responded and said Frederic definitely wants to interview me, because he wants real people with real stories. I'm still not sure if I'm going to do it, since MOST people who are into raw, seem to be dogmatic about it, and I'm not, at all, obviously. I'm in to eating healthy, making better choices than we've made in the past, and continuing to work toward health, whatever way that looks like for each individual person. We'll see what happens.

PS I weighed a few days ago at the gym, and I'm back down to 212. I'm hoping that I'll be near 200, if not there, by the end of September.

Weight: 212 pounds (total weight loss 98 pounds)

September 19, 2006

Didn't go into work today til 2 pm. I went out with E. last night to see The Black Dahlia (check my myspace blog to read what I thought of that movie). I got to bed late last night, and this morning I was feeling very blech with stopped up nose and coughing. My roommates all have had bronchitis and sinus infections and other icky stuff, so I may have picked up something from them. I had a grilled vegetable burrito from Qdoba Mexican Grill for lunch today, nothing for breakfast, since I slept until 12:30 pm. I went to happy hour at Flames, our local lesbian-owned bar to hang out with some new friends after work. Three of us ended up leaving to go pick up dinner at Common Grounds and bringing it back to the bar to eat it (the owner is cool like that!). I had a large birdseed salad with iced tea. When I got home, I intended on going running, but got massively sucked into myspace and downloading some songs from Itunes, thanks to a gift card from Boni. I ended up making another salad for a late night snack, so at least I've eaten amazingly well today. I feel really good in my body right now and am definitely on a roll to lose more weight. I'll go work out with K. tomorrow night after she gets off of work.

September 24, 2006

The weekend went by so fast, and I started it without a single plan!

Friday I went to Eureka Springs to consign some of my photo notecards and beaded artwork. When I got home in the evening, I went to Flames, a local gay bar, for a beach party. A new friend of mine, R., met me there after a bit and we left to go get dinner at Common Grounds. I got my usual birdseed salad and iced tea. I got home around 1:30 am and crashed shortly afterwards.

Saturday I went to lunch and shopping with a friend, E. We ate at Fuddrucker's, and I got a low-carb option garden patty (ie no bun) and side salad. They were out of baked potatoes, or I would have ordered one of those. Late afternoon, a friend came over and we watched a movie...then later two other friends came over to play Scattergories and we played the question game with The Book of Love and Sex Questions. I got to bed after 4 am.

Sunday I didn't make it up in time for church, but I met some friends at Common Grounds for lunch after they got out of church. I had granola with strawberries, blueberries and soy milk. It was good, but I could have eaten two bowls of it! My birdseed salad fills me up more, but it wasn't on the menu because it was a home game weekend here (University of Arkansas Razorbacks football, blah blah blah) and Common Grounds does a limited menu to help with the influx of customers. In the early evening, I met a large group of people at ROTC (Restaurant on the Corner) for dinner. It's a typical southern-junk-food type of a restaurant, so I ordered a side salad and a cup of tomato soup. Basically iceberg and Campbell's.

After dinner my friend, E. came back to my place and we watched "Harry Potter 4" and "Open Water." I didn't eat any more Sunday and my stomach growled all night long, but it felt too late to get up and make something.

I didn't work out Friday, Saturday OR Sunday, and now I'm feeling like a cow! I will work out tomorrow and I will get back on my daily exercise regime. It's the only way to continue with the weight loss!

I did buy a pair of size 16 jeans today that look mighty sexy on me. My butt really only looks good in things that cling. Baggy just makes it look like I'm fatter than I am or that I have no ass at all.

September 25, 2006

Quick update. I went to workout today and weighed. I lost more weight and now weigh 208 pounds, for a total weight loss so far of 102 pounds. Doing the math, that means I've lost 1/3 of my body, or as my friend H. would say, I've "let go" of 1/3 of my body. She seems to think that if we say we "lost" it, we'll try to find it one of these days. If we say we "let go" of it, it's more of a healthy approach. Makes sense. Whatever though. I'm happy either way!!! Oh and I ran more than 2 miles on the treadmill at the gym tonight, and felt so wonderful afterwards. I was nervous after having not worked out since Thursday that I'd be low energy, but once I got on there, I just felt like running! My eating has been really good too, lots of salads, fruit, veggies, seeds, nuts, peanut butter. Life's good!

October 2, 2006

Been a crazy busy weekend, as usual.

Friday I did the Matt Monarch raw food talk. I didn't really participate in it, just worked the registration booth and then hung out in the back. I ate 3 packs of raw walnut-date-cacao energy bites that Denise Thomas, a past journaler on this site, made. They were heaven! It was like chocolate chip cookie dough, seriously!! Mmmmmm. Then Rachel and I went to The Perk and I had a pot of Serene herbal tea with soy milk and honey. Then we went back to my house to watch a movie and hang out.

Saturday I worked out for less than an hour. Did 10 minutes on the elyptical, 15 minutes on the octane machine, then did abs exercises. Pathetic workout, but at least I did one. I was feeling very poopy and not wanting to do anything. I was supposed to go to Tulsa for the weekend, but it ended up not working out. Saturday afternoon, I went to Acambaro with Emily for a crap lunch. Had some white queso, chips, salsa, quacamole salad, and 2 flour tortillas. I didn't binge, but I did eat it, none-the-less. I'm ok with it, because I felt in control of my eating, and I know it's not something I want to do on a regular basis. Every so often, it's not the worst thing I could do. Afterwards, we went down to Bikes Blues and BBQ, along with 315,000 other insane people. We hung out from 4 pm until 11 pm, and had a pretty good time. I took a lot of photos, and think some will make really nice note cards. Had a baked potato from Wendy's on our way home from BB&B.

Sunday I got up and went to church. Afterwards a group of 8 of us went to Common Grounds for brunch. I had a bowl of granola with blueberries, strawberries and soy milk. They don't serve my birdseed salad on event weekends, when too many people are in town. In the afternoon, I went to Wal-Mart to buy ingredients for Rawcamole. I took it with celery and carrots to World Vegetarian Day, a potluck and Open Mic night at The OMNI Center. It was a lot of fun, and there were some delicious dishes.

Today, I met Michelle for lunch at A Taste of Thai. I had summer rolls (raw veggies/noodles in rice paper), mixed veggies with cashews/peanuts in Thai bean sauce, salad and steamed rice. It was delicious and I stuffed myself. This afternoon I've got a Board meeting, going to work out afterwards, and then am going to hang out with Kim and Emily later tonight. It's been a nice weekend. I haven't weighed again lately, but at last weigh in I was at 207.5. I plan on having a really good, long, hard workout tonight.

October 5, 2006

Eating pretty well, aside from one more meal at Acambaro this week with Holly. Guess what though? I ran 2.5 miles straight last night at the gym! I did it at 5.3 mph, which put me at about an 11 point-something minute mile, and it took me about 28 minutes. I felt so wonderful, aside from a tiny suggestion of a shin splint, but today it's fine. Rachel expressed concern last night on the phone that I might end up becoming one of "those" people obsessed with exercise, and have nothing else to talk about. Gawd I hope not, though I can understand why she/others might be worried about that, because I do get really really really excited about my gym accomplishments, weight loss, etc. Have I mentioned my underwear absolutely will not stay up now when I run. I don't have the same big tummy rolls that used to hold them up I guess. Ha! Anyway, my workout partner Kara told me to start going commando, that's what she does. Okie doke, guess I will. Hmmm, kinda freaks me out to run in public, knowing I won't have on underwear, but oh well. Girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Holly mentioned to me two days ago that I need new bras, the ones I have make my boobs look saggy. I decided to wear one of my smaller ones, like she suggested, but it felt like my boobs were hangin out of the front of the cups. She told me today I look better, but I'm super self-conscious about it. It's a 36DD, but she seems to think I need a 34DDD. Hell no! I am NOT wearing a DDD, I'll just work harder to lose them! Ha! Anyway, I've gotta get some more work done before I, er, head to the gym to work out with Kim and Kara. Ah well, at least it's ONE healthy addiction...still haven't quit those damn cigarettes yet.

October 6, 2006

Ran another 2.5 miles straight last night at the gym. It was VERY hard to do this time and I barely made it. 28:30 minutes. I was so exhausted afterwards, which is not usually how I feel. Then we did one set of abs and 5 arms machines. I was pooped!! Started my period late last night, which also could have something to do with it. I currently weigh 208, which is really exciting since I've obviously been PMSing, so next week I should be down even more weight!! Can't wait. I wanna be to at least 200 by November 1st, would love to be at 195, but will not hold myself to that number. Just wanna keep trying.

Yesterday I went to lunch with Rachel at E-San, a Thai restaurant. We had fresh summer rolls. Then I had tofu/veggies/cashews and some steamed rice. It was so yummy. I love that place!

I worked from 2 - 7:30 pm last night, then went over to Flames, the local gay bar, to meet up with Kim to go work out. We worked out then came back to the bar and hung out til it closed at 1 am.

Today I'm off work and am trying to get caught up on laundry, picking up my bedroom, doing paperwork and a few projects before the weekend. I'm meeting Faith at Common Grounds to talk and have a birdseed salad for dinner. Tomorrow I'm going to Starr's daughter's soccer game to take photos of her playing. Tomorrow afternoon is a cookout for Emily's birthday, then a lesbian social/dance at Cool Water in the evening. Should be an eventful, fun weekend.

PS My size 16 jeans are starting to get baggy already...just bought the damn things a few weeks back. But I'm still not quite into my size 14 pants...they are too tight for me to feel comfortable wearing them with fitted tops yet...soon.

October 19, 2006

Been a while. Life has been busy and quite crazy emotionally. Dating...need I say more?

Not eating great. Being broke keeps me so limited in my eating healthy. I used to think that was such a copout, but shit it's true. I've been living on whole grain bread, natural peanut butter, and honey, some flax protein cereal with almond milk, and random potato meals. Cheap food has made me feel fat as hell too. I haven't gained much weight, but I FEEL fat, and that's all that matters.

From the time I last posted until this past Thursday, I worked out almost every day, running, doing abs and arms, and the sauna. Friday, Saturday, Sunday of this past weekend I didn't work out due to a busy social life. Monday I worked out, Tuesday didn't. Worked out last night and plan to work out the next 4 days straight, at least. There's a 5K marathon this weekend that I really wanted to be prepared for, but unfortunately I don't feel ready to street run 2+ miles.

Anyway, hope finances sort themselves out soon (notice I don't take responsibility for them in that statement?), so I can start eating really great again. I miss salads SO much!! Why does money have to rule our lives?

Hey, I think it's time for me to post new pictures. Maybe I'll try to do that this weekend.

December 11, 2006

I weigh 217. Guess I have to get that right out there in the open. I've gained 10 pounds, since the last time I posted. I didn't realize that until today. And no the weight gain is not from some wonderful work out regimen I've been on. I've been eating crappy, big time. Seems like forever ago since I was eating right and exercising. The last two months I've been fighting depression, anxiety and stress over finances, going back to do an 8 to 5 type job (which I know I have to do, as I'm beyond broke), dating and trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing in that arena, and just overall...life at 32.

As I sit here typing, I see 3 bananas on the banana stand starting to form brown spots, begging to be eaten. Instead I had potatoes o'brien and wheat toast for breakfast. For dinner last night, I tried to be good and had a baked potato and a side salad from Wendy's, but ended the night with vegetarian Taco Bell that my roommate had picked up on her way home. Oh and a bowl of corn flakes with almond milk. Sheesh, who the heck have I become?

Exercise is a thing of the past for me right now. My gym membership expired in November, but that still didn't account for the whole month prior that I didn't work out. I don't have the money to renew my membership, but even if I did, I don't have the motivation yet to get back there. I could just as easily take myself outside and go for a run, or hell, even a walk, yet I don't. Temperatures have been anywhere from 6 to 50 degrees here, with the norm being somewhere around 35. It snowed a few weeks back (and I did go Extreme Sledding with friends at 1:30 in the morning), but other than that, I haven't had a real excuse not to be outside moving my body.

I'm in a funk. There I said it. I'm depressed, moody, stressed and seem to want to feed all of my upsets with crappy food. Old patterns of behavior that don't serve me, and yet I choose them time and time again.

Life will get better. It has to.

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2005 Journal

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Michelle's Raw Journey: 2006 Email: michelle at fromsadtoraw dot com (not a clickable link to avoid spammers)

Michelle's Raw Journey:
2006

Email: michelle at fromsadtoraw dot com
(not a clickable link to avoid spammers)