Michelle's Raw Journey:
2005

Email: michelle at fromsadtoraw dot com
(not a clickable link to avoid spammers)

January 1, 2005, Saturday (Day 1) Day 1 of My Raw Journey

Food for Thought:

I'm not going to continue counting my days as I had in 2004. I'm starting over from today. Today is Day 1 of My Raw Journey, and Day 1 of the rest of my life. Oh, but you can wish me a happy One Year Anniversary on my Raw journey - since I did start it one year ago today.

I was pretty raw today. I say pretty raw, cause I had a few non-raw items - one at breakfast and a few at dinner. I did the 100% pure, from concentrate, juice thing for breakfast, which is not raw, it's cooked. Then at dinner I had a plain baked potato with chives and a bit of fat-free honey mustard dressing, sunflower seeds, black and green olives, and fat free raspberry vinaigrette dressing on my salad. Other than that? A pretty raw day. Late tonight, I actually considered having some stove-top popcorn while I watched the movie "Kissing Jessica Stein," but I didn't. I'm sure I'll still have the popcorn from time to time, but tonight I decided it would be great to start the new year and my new journey in a totally healthy manner, so I had a banana-almond butter snack instead.

Oh and a really really really interesting thing that's happening to me with my eating? When I'm eating salads now, I want the spring mix, you know the leafy field greens instead of the romaine. It used to be that I only wanted iceberg, then I progressed to romaine, then I progressed to romaine with a little field greens, and now I've progressed to field greens with a little romaine. Wow, what changes have happened to me. What will happen next?

Life is hard, the pain is intense. I'm doing lots and lots of things to try to work through this time in a healthy way. I'm very proud of the work I'm doing. Believe me, it's NOT easy. I'm not happy. But I know slow and steady "wins the race," whatever the hell that really means. Anyway, I've never dealt with things before, so it's a whole new experience for me. Shocking that I'm not using any addictive behaviors to process the pain, but I'm not. I'm crying, breathing, praying, talking, exercising, feeding my body healthy foods, and just trying to survive this and grow into the woman I'm supposed to be.

PS I didn't write out my new year's resolutions. They can best be summarized in this email that I shared with a friend:
.
In this new year, I want to create happiness, contentment, self-love, physical health and fitness, peace, serenity, self-awareness and acceptance, and change so many of the issues I had which destroyed my relationship so I can be open to new, healthy love in the future. Too much to ask? Hope not!

I'll be putting my new pictures up tomorrow. And guess what? I got contacts, so you'll get to see my eyes! (PS for all of you who hated my black glasses, I also bought some new frames that are way cool, and I'll wear those next month for you all to see - and of course, comment on).....

Here's an article that someone shared with me the other day, which I thought was really good.

<beginning of article>
Positive Energy: The Third Prescription
The Missing Piece to Overeating and Why Diets Fail
Dr. Judith Orloff MD,
Adapted from Positive Energy Harmony Books, April, 2004

As a psychiatrist and intuitive, I know that there is more to overeating and obesity that meets the eye. One big reason that many diets fail is that traditional weight loss programs don't factor in how we process subtle energy, what Chinese medicine terms life force or chi. Subtle energy penetrates and surround the body. Sensitive people who I call intuitive empaths unknowingly overeat in response to being overwhelmed by negative vibes. Empaths not only can sense energy around them, they absorb it into their bodies. If this is you, Positive Energy will teach you to center and protect yourself when the impulse to overeat hits.

Here's the energetic premise of obesity: When empaths are thin they have less padding, are more vulnerable to soaking up negative vibes. For instance, early twentieth century faith healers were renowned for being grossly obese to avoid absorbing their patient's symptoms-a common trap I've seen modern-day healers also unconsciously fall into; food is a convenient grounding device. Similarly, many of my patients pack on pounds to protect against overwhelming vibes, massive or minute. Energy is at the root of an empath's hunger. Whether your sensitivity to negative vibes is minimal or intense, for a diet to succeed it's important to develop alternative coping strategies other than overeating. In my book I will show you how to cope with negative vibes without abusing food. Whether accosted by an angry colleague or global threat, apply them immediately. Stick to those that work best for you.

8 Emergency Intervention to Halt Energetic Eating

When the impulse to overeat hits:

Identify an Addictive Craving from a True Need

            Addictive craving, a symptom of nutritional abuse, is a frequent response to energetic overload. Bottomline, you eat certain foods like a drug addict; this leads to obesity. Cravings feel intense: whenever you keep lusting after sweets and carbs especially, be suspicious. (I've yet to see someone binge on brussel sprouts!) For instance, chocolate turns from simple pleasure to crutch when you gorge on it, use it to self-medicate stress, or to get a sugar high--also if you experience mood-swings, sugar hang-overs, can't control your intake, or it makes you sick. With cravings, you eat to relieve stress, not to build energy. Try to identify addictive foods, and limit them

            A true nutritional need lacks such sturm and drang: there'sno lusting or lunging for food to guard against negative energies. A true need comes from a centered place, has nothing to do with soothing our emotions (comfort foods) or obsession.. Feeling healthily nurtured from food never involves mood swings--sedation or elation--rather an even feeling of satisfaction. A true need lets you enjoy your meal, optimizes energy, and doesn't lead to obesity.

Quickly pinpoint energetic stressors that trigger addictive cravings. Immediately ask yourself: Have I been exposed to bad vibes? A loud- mouth neighbor. An ordeal to pass through airport security. A siege of overbearing phone messages from your mother. Don't write off the "smaller" incidents which notoriously send empaths motoring to the refrigerator. Avoid panic. Methodically pinpoint cause and effect. You don't have to be victimized by negative energy. The trick is to clear it as soon as possible once you've been slimed.

Breathe Negative Vibes Out of Your System

            Take a five minute break for damage control. Slowly inhale and exhale. As you've learned, breath activates positive energy; it also releases negative vibes. Notice if they get stuck in a specific part of your body. For instance, negative vibes go straight to my gut; I feel irradiated by a toxic stun gun. Identify your vulnerable points. Then practice this

Visualization: Just as your lungs take in oxygen and expel toxic carbon dioxide, you're going to breathe in light and clarity, breathe out stress. Breathe in vitality. Breathe out fear. I also visualize negative vibes exiting through the spaces between the vertebrae in my lower back. You can try this too. Breathing out toxic vibes is a proactive cleansing process. You're in charge of the flow. Allow well-being to permeate every inch of you. Repeat this exercise until you're free of negative residue.

Pray to Release the Addictive Craving

            If you're gripped by a craving, go into praying-mode. For a few quiet moments breath slowly. Bring your awareness to your heart, and aim for self-compassion. The craving may feel impossible to handle, but that's okay. In this calm state ask your higher power lift it from you. No mental nudging needed. If you surrender your ego-involvement, this simple heartfelt request works like a charm. What you're doing is calling on a cosmically influential positive energy to supplant a material-world negative drive.

Take a bath or shower

            A speedy way to dissolve negative vibes is to immerse yourself in water. My tub is my refuge after a busy day: it washes away everything from bus exhaust to long hours of air travel, to personal unpleasantness. While you relax water works on you. It has alchemical cleansing properties which will purify your physical body and energy field.

Burn sage

            Just because vibes are invisible doesn't mean you don't eat over them. Try burning sage to counteract negative energy someone deposits in your office or home--a strategy that has kept pounds off my patients with a lot of people-contact in their space. Vibes accumulate, can cause stress if not eradicated. You may not realize that left-over subtle energies trigger addictive eating patterns, but these vibes subliminally wear at you. Sage has been used by ancients cross-culturally to purify locations. Burn it, and the desire to eat over lurking negative vibes will wane.

Visualize a Protective Shield Around you

Visualize white light surrounding every inch of you from head to toe so that negative energy cannot penetrate this shield and deplete your energy.

Eat with Attunement

            Develop a diet that satisfies your energetic needs. I'd like energy to motivate why you eat, more important than taste or any dietary dogma--a priority to impart to children. Whatever you put in you mouth, run by your energy meter; see what truly nourishes or depletes. Even foods you've shunned become more attractive when your experience their energy lift.

Food is no place to be passive. The interventions offered in Positive Energy will allow you to an active stance in eating healthily. You don't have to let poisonous energy lodge itself in you. To stay on top of your eating, do a daily check-in. Stay alert for cravings prompted by negative vibes. Watch your responses. I promise, your eating habits will change.
<end of article>

Food for Body:
- 1 c. squeezed apple juice, 1 braeburn apple, 1 banana
- 2 c. 100% pure, from concentrate, orange juice
- handful raw mixed nuts
- taste-testing the raw Brownie Bites I made
- glass of decaf iced tea
- 2 trips to the salad bar at Ruby Tuesday's: field greens with a bit of romaine, grape tomatoes, cucumbers, green bell peppers, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, fat free raspberry vinaigrette dressing, plain baked potato with chives and some fat free honey mustard drizzled on top, salt, pepper, caffeinated iced tea
- glass of decaf iced tea
- banana with almond butter, honey, walnuts

Exercise: walked with the pups for about 30 minutes, then went for a 1/4 mile run and a 1/4 mile walk by myself

January 2, 2005, Sunday (Day 2) Getting Out There

Food for Thought:

I needed this quote SO badly today - Thank you Rajashree for sending it to me.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. - Helen Keller

I forgot to mention that yesterday a woman named Karesa, from the Wholistic Life Center, came over to borrow my dehydrator for the weekend. She stayed for a bit and we visited. It was nice. I'm still working on getting to know people and to be open to new friendships.

Today, I followed Michelle and Dana to their church in Fayetteville. I haven' t been to a church since I was 15 years old. I have some major issues with church/organized religion/christianity. But even with my reservations, I decided to go and try out this church, 1.) because life is very painful right now and having support of others around me is important, 2.) because it's a gay church, obviously more open and non-traditional than most churches, and 3.) because I'm trying to step outside my box, outside my comfort zone. Aside from focusing on replacing "Jesus" and "Lord" with "God" and "Higher Power," it was really good. The people were cool - quite a bit older than me, except for two women, who seemed closer to me in age. I exchanged numbers with them and another woman - I guess this is me getting out there to make new friends, become involved in life again. Gawd, I can't seem to get in my head that my life is forever changed, and that I have to just accept this next chapter of my life, no matter how foreign it may seem.

I haven't had much of an appetite the last few days. I started my period today. No wonder I still feel fat, even though I know I'm losing weight from eating healthy when I do eat. No wonder I can not stop crying. Oh, well I guess I could be crying cause I'm dealing with life, huh? But yes, it doesn't help that I've started my period. I'm tired, my eyeballs and eye sockets are bloody bruised from crying, my head is throbbing, and I'm depressed. Detox, my period, and the emotional shit I'm processing are all wearing me out. I must take care of myself, be gentle, kind and patient with myself, and give myself lots of praise for doing the very best I can given the situation I'm in, the resources I have, and the lack of control I have over my present circumstances.

I found out today that another friend is going through a similar situation as I am. It was good to talk with her about it - for some reason it feels good to have someone to relate to, even if it is a sharing of something painful.

Late this afternoon, Michelle T. and I went to Panera for a late lunch/early dinner. My stomach has been growling, even when I can't seem to make myself eat enough to make it stop. I was glad to go there to eat though since I can eat healthy and enjoy the meal. They didn't have the vegetarian vegetable soup which I normally would have with half a Fandango salad, so I ordered a full Fandango salad instead. I said no roll and no gargonzola cheese on the salad, but then a few moments later changed my mind on the cheese. I decided to have it on my salad without issue. I feel very very healthy these days and a little gargonzola doesn't phase me - though I can feel the seering eyes of judgment baring down on my lax attitude on this next stage of my journey. Regardless, I can see that this year is going to be truly about progress, not perfection - about being healthier, not about being a Raw Guru or a 100% raw foodist. About being me. (Oh and I could have ordered a whole 'nuther salad, that one wasn't nearly enough, but at $6 a pop, I decided against it.)

Tonight we watched "Chocolat" - that's such a great movie. Now how is it that I've been a raw foodist for the last year, eating cacao for the last 6 months, and yet I've never realized that that entire movie is based on pure, raw cacao and its natural effects on the human mind and body. This quote is from the movie --- "Unrefined cacao - the Maya believed cacao held the power to unlock hidden yearnings and reveal destinies." Interesting, huh?

Several people who attended Tonya Zavasta's free lecture in Fayetteville last summer have emailed me to ask for her Spicy Red Cracker recipe that she served there. It's taken me a zillion years to get organized enough to track it down in her book, but I finally decided to do it tonight, since I'm getting tons of emails from people ready to start the new year on a healthy, raw track. Enjoy folks, she did wonderfully with this cracker recipe. (See below for link to recipe.)

Food for Body:
- 12 oz 100% pure, from concentrate, orange juice
- 12 oz smoothie: frozen dark sweet cherries, frozen bananas, young Thai coconut water and meat
- Panera: Fandango salad: lettuce, mandarin oranges, walnuts, garganzola cheese, fat free raspberry vinaigrette, caffeinated iced tea
- banana with almond butter, honey and walnuts
- glass of decaf iced tea

Exercise: swept and cleaned up porch, trimmed plants, threw out dead plants and old soil, cracked pots, etc., didn't go walking though - it was raining this afternoon, but that's not really an excuse - I was being poopy, though a good run or brisk walk would have done me some good

January 3, 2005, Monday (Day 3) Small Stones

Food for Thought:

The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones. - William Faulkner

That's me. I'm removing the mountain of weight I still have to lose one pound at a time. I weighed this morning at the office, and I've lost 3 pounds. I had gained all the way back up to 239 pounds and today I'm back down to 236. I can't wait til I can write that I'm back down to 233, then 230, then.....I'm so pleased with myself for going through such a tough time right now and still I'm choosing to eat healthy.

I went back to work today, first time working since the middle of December. Oh, I could have gotten used to a life of non-work. Or at least a life of non-office-work.

I ate really really well today, so proud - oh I guess I said that already above. Oh well, I'm just in shock that going through so much pain right now, I can still manage to make such healthy choices. My appetite is still not up, and my stomach seems to be sending out endless growls, but I'm doing all I can right now.

This evening after work, I made a cooked meal for Michelle T. and one for myself. I had a taste test of the soy milk, no-margarine mashed potato buds, and then ate two ears of boiled corn on the cob. Then Karesa stopped by to drop off the dehydrator, but she accidentally brought her brand new one instead, so she'll stop back over on Wednesday. She brought some of the falafel she had made using the dehydrator, and I had some later with a salad. It was absolutely delicious! I must get the recipe for that!!!! I had craved popcorn, but made the conscious decision to have a salad instead and I'm so glad I did. I feel great and really enjoyed it, eating every last bite.

As part of my growth and healing, I've started to fill my life with activities which will work on my mind, body and soul: a drop-in by Heather tomorrow over lunch, a CoDA meeting tomorrow night, a colonic on Wednesday evening, a dentist appointment over lunch on Thursday, a massage by a friend on Thursday evening, dinner with Michelle T. on Friday night, saying goodbye to Michelle T. on Saturday morning, plans with Heather on Saturday afternoon and the Raw Ozarks potluck Saturday night with her and hopefully Michelle D., church and bellydancing on Sunday, lunch plans with Amy on Tuesday, etc. I feel so fulfilled by the people who have come into my life and made me feel so special and wanted. It's such a strange thing - I've been isolating for so long, and now to be open to new friendships, new experiences, and new whatevers, it's strange....I'm learning to step outside the box, to say yes to plans that might be a little scary or otherwise intimidating, and to actually live in the moment and maybe even enjoy life again.

I just realized that the quote above doesn't just apply to weight loss for me. It's now applying to the whole process of grieving and moving on. All of those activities I'm planning are little stones that I'm carrying from my huge mountain of pain.

PS I haven't taken my raw-in-progress pictures yet - it's dark when I get home from work and I really need some light to get good shots.

Food for Body:
- 16 oz 100% pure, from concentrate, orange juice
- banana
- large salad: romaine, field greens, radishes, cherry tomatoes, green bell peppers, green olives, black olives, celery, carrots, raisins, sunflower seeds, Annie's Goddess dressing
- small bowl Campbell's Tomato soup
- glass of decaf iced tea
- cup of decaf hot Earl Grey tea with honey and soy milk
- 3 raw brownie bites
- taste test of soy milk mashed potato buds
- 2 ears boiled corn on the cob
- 1/2 glass of decaf iced tea
- large salad: romaine, field greens, radishes, cherry tomatoes, green bell peppers, green olives, black olives, celery, carrots, green peas, raisins, sunflower seeds, Annie's Goddess dressing, raw falafel
- 1/2 glass of decaf iced tea

Exercise: None, darnit

January 4, 2005, Tuesday (Day 4) Weathering the Storm

Food for Thought:

Oh boy, I went to CoDA tonight, the second Arkansas meeting I've been to since Boni and I broke up. Man, could that group BE any more codependent and unhealthy? I miss my Austin meetings!!! I really want to go to meetings where people aren't advice-giving, telling what they think about what other people say, etc. Who knows if I'll go back there or not, we'll see. I mean I like the readings, and it gives me a dedicated time to think about my codependence, but I have to figure out if it will be healthy for me or not to be around such "un-health."

I ate great again today. AND I lost another pound. I weigh 235 now. I'm so happy the weight is coming off, and not to mention that I'm on my period right now too. My salad tasted absolutely scrumptious this afternoon and I find myself craving healthy foods again. Wow, it's only been 4 days and miracles are starting to happen. You know, as I read the other journalers' journals, I'm seeing a trend of us all getting our lives back, getting back to a desire for healthy living. It must be some Raw pheromones or something.

I had a few really emotional outbursts today, being at work was very difficult for me. The days are so slow and painful. And although I hate to keep blabbing on and on about detox, I feel I was detoxing heavily today. Graphic note ------ I had BMs alllllll day long today. Maybe in preparation of the colonic I'm going to have tomorrow night? Who knows. Anyway, I was also soooooo very tired, I could barely keep my eyes open, I was crying off and on all day, I was achey and felt irritated at the world. Sometimes life seems unbearable and trying to get my body to accept going back to a healthy way of eating has not made life any easier. I look forward to getting past these tough days. The quote I received this morning seems perfect for today.

If you want to see the sun shine, you have to weather the storm. - Frank Lane

Food for Body:
- 16 oz 100% pure, from concentrate, orange juice
- banana
- salad: romaine, spring mix, green bell pepper, cherry tomatoes, green peas, green olives, cucumber, carrots, black olives, radishes, almonds, raisins, Annie's Goddess dressing, raw falafel
- glass of decaf iced tea
- 1 lb red seedless grapes
- small bowl Campbell's tomato soup, raw falafel
- glass of decaf iced tea
- smoothie: young Thai coconut milk and meat, frozen bananas, frozen peaches, soy milk

Exercise: None

January 5, 2005, Wednesday (Day 5) Cleansing My Body and Soul

Food for Thought:

I forgot to mention that I watched "8 Mile" the other night. What a fantastic movie. I could relate to Eminem's character as a survivor. I see myself that way. What a motivational movie, we can overcome all things painful.

I took the day off from work today. I slept in until after 11 am. I guess I needed it. Some more emotional shit came up last night and I needed the rest, not to mention the detoxing that my body is still doing. I felt better after the rest and Michelle T and I went and ran some errands. Then we went to Fayetteville, where I had a late lunch at Ozark Natural Foods and picked up some more Annie's Goddess dressing.

After I ate, I got another colonic. It's only my third time, but it feels like "old hat" now. I'm not uncomfortable or embarrassed or anything anymore. It's like it's no big deal. It's interesting though how each time I have one, the experience of what "comes out" is different. This time, it wasn't as much "poo" as it was mustard-colored mucous - sorry for the graphic detail, but you know how I am. The hydrotherapist said, and I have to agree, that it's probably because I've been eating healthy and raw for the last 5 days. I felt cleaned out though and that's all that matters. After the colonic, I drank some mineral water to replenish the electrolytes in my system, or something like that.

Later we went to Panera in Fayetteville for some hot tea and so I could write a card to my folks. My mom called me today and told me she went in for her check-up and they do not detect any cancer cells left. That's wonderful and I'm so happy for her, but I have to say it scares me that she might believe she can just go about living her life the way she was, not taking responsibility for her health and the prevention of a recurrence of the cancer. She's gone back to drinking coffee and is eating crappy foods, things that fill her up and give her calories but no nutrition. It makes me very sad. I bought her a canister of Teecino from the hydrotherapist's office today, but I'm sure once my mom gets it, it will just go into a cupboard, or she may even drink it, but only in addition to her regular lattes and such. I really hate sometimes how modern medicine and surgery gives people the false sense of freedom to do as they please with their bodies.

Tonight we finished watching Frida (my second time to watch it) and it's another "survivor" movie that I adore. Then we tried to watch Amelie (which I've also seen before) but the DVD was screwed up, so we watched Under the Tuscan Sun (my zillionth time to watch it) instead. What is it about these strong survivor type movies that draw me in? Duh, Michelle, because that's what I'm trying to be, a survivor.

So guess what I realized today, my cravings for crap have gone away. Now, I'm not saying they will always be gone, because that is simply not a reality. However, I'm so pleased to know that my desire for healthy eating, a fit and trim body, and a clear and free mind is outweighing the desire for crap cooked foods. I'm so pleased with the fact that even in my most trying times, the most painful moments, I'm not choosing to self-medicate with fried, breaded, dipped, and drenched cooked crap foods. I'm choosing to feel the pain, to embrace the hurt, to deal with life, not run/hide/escape from it. I'm being present, no matter how much I want to just bury myself in any number of addictions; no matter how much I'm crying, begging God to take away these intense feelings, just wanting to sleep away the pain (but working very hard NOT to do that). Ah, what lessons I'm learning on this journey.

Food for Body:
- 16 oz 100% pure, from concentrate, orange juice
- banana
- Ozark Natural Foods: plate of salad: leafy greens, spring mix, celery, black olives, cucumbers, raw cashews, sun-dried tomato vinaigrette, bottle of water
- 8 oz mineral water
- Panera: cup of hot green tea with honey and soy milk
- handful raw cashews
- whole can of Campbell's Tomato soup, raw falafel, 10 green olives
- glass of decaf iced tea
- banana with almond buttter, honey, walnuts

Exercise: None

January 6, 2005, Thursday (Day 6) A Healing Touch

Food for Thought:

I lost 1.5 more pounds today. That's a total of 5.5 pounds since I went back to healthy eating - less than one week ago. I now weigh 233.5.

I went to the dentist today. The tech was going on and on about how good my teeth and gums are, even considering what a grinder I am. Then lo and behold she says she found a cavity. I nearly fell out of my chair. How the hell can I have a cavity, I haven't drank cokes or sweet drinks, nor eaten candy, cakes, cookies in the last fricken year! I said granted, I do eat honey, agave nectar, dates and raisins, and she said those sugars, even though they are natural, break down the same way, and that probably caused my cavity. Dammit all to hell. Guess the theory of raw foodists having to really watch their teeth isn't just a myth. At least it's true for me. (I brush and floss all the fricken time, guess I gotta watch it even more though.) After talking with Dan, a raw foodist friend of mine, a few months back, and he told me how he went in to his dentist and made them take out all of the metal cavity fillings and replace them with whatever it is that's better for you, I decided I'd speak up and said, "I don't want metal fillings, ok?" He sorta laughed and said, "We don't use metal anymore." I said, "Oh, ok," and felt like a dork. So next Thursday I go get my cavity filled.

Tonight after work, Michelle T. and I drove to Fayetteville. I dropped her off at the mall and I went to my friend, Rajashree's house, for a free massage she offered me to help ease my emotional pain and the stress I feel under. Whoa, she was amazing. I've had a lot of massages in my adult life, and this one seemed different. It was different. She did this thing where she matched her breathing to mine, while she pressed on certain points of my body. I could feel these pressure points in my head (if she was doing them in my feet or legs) and in my feet (if she was doing them in my head or neck). It was so bizarre, and a complete calm and quiet came over me. This was the first massage I've had with absolutely no music in the background, only the low hum of the air unit coming on every so often and our breathing. I think at one point I fell asleep, and actually had a moment like on Charlie's Angels, where the bad guy awakens after Lucy Lu had massaged him unconscious. I forgot where I was for a moment and was completely empty of emotional pain, anxiety and tension. When I got up to leave the room, I could barely walk, as if the floor wasn't even beneath me. Walking down the stairs felt like I was floating. I looked at my face in the mirror when I got into the car and barely recognized myself. I believe the combination of a much needed massage, an incredibly gifted healer/spirit, and my openness to healing myself in all areas led to such an experience. Was the reality of my current life circumstances instantly resolved? No, of course not, but maybe I'm learning ways to handle life in a more peaceful, calm manner. Maybe I'm learning to react to life differently than I have in the past. Maybe I'm learning to take care of myself, even in times of great sorrow. Maybe I'm healing.

Food for Body:
- 16 oz 100% pure, from concentrate, orange juice
- banana
- Panera: large Fandango salad: romaine, leafy greens, mandarin oranges, walnuts, gargonzola cheese, fat free raspberry vinaigrette dressing, caffeinated iced tea
- 1 raw brownie bite
- large salad: spring mix, romaine, celery, carrots, green bell pepper, cherry tomatoes, radishes, green olives, black olives, raisins, almonds, raw falafel, Annie's Goddess dressing, glass of decaf iced tea

Exercise:
None, but I did get a massage - that's moving my body

January 7, 2005, Friday (Day 7) Thank Gawd it's Friday

Food for Thought:

I lost 2 more pounds today. That's a total of 7.5 pounds this week! I now weigh 231.5.

I'm so glad it's Friday. I already need a break again. What's up with that? I don't have much to write today. Ate well, wish I could have avoided the popcorn, but I'm not terribly upset about it.

Oh I did have a horrid temptation this afternoon when I was leaving Diva's (a bead store) and a man was carrying pizzas in for a kid's pizza party. I'm glad I was leaving!

I found an article that really shows the benefits of Chamomile Tea. Glad I'm drinking it, as well as learning to like Green Tea.

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=97&ncid=97&e=8&u=/hsn/20050107/hl_hsn/
chamomileteamayhavemedicinalvalue (watch the URL wrap)

I found these quotes today on the Codependents Anonymous website. I liked them and thought I'd share.

- When you're going through Hell, don't stop!
- Do the thing you fear the most, and the death of fear is certain.

Food for Body:
- 24 oz 100% pure, from concentrate, orange juice
- 1 lb red seedless grapes
- 1/2 can Campbell's Tomato soup, raw falafel, glass of decaf iced tea, a few green olives
- Braeburn apple (mealy, I let it sit on my counter too long)
- small leftover salad from last night with Annie's Goddess dressing, last of the raw falafel (waaaah!)
- 1/2 corn on the cob, boiled, sea salt, pepper, Butter Buds (it was nasty!)
- few almonds
- 1/2 glass of decaf iced tea
- 1 raw brownie bite
- smoothie: 24 oz Dole pineapple in its own juice, 1 young Thai coconut milk and meat, 1 1/2 frozen bananas, splash of agave nectar (oh my Gawd, this was SO good!!!)
- big bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt (shoot, I was trying not to eat it, but I didn't get to eat my 3 ears of corn on the cob earlier)

Exercise: None, still raining and cold, maybe tomorrow

January 8, 2005, Saturday (Day 8) Raw Ozarks Potluck

Food for Thought:

I took Michelle T. to the airport this morning. It will be strange to be alone again in the house, after having company since the middle of December. It'll be good for me to have some solitude (did I almost type solitary confinement? surely not!) and alone time to work on my healing. Things have changed a lot for me in the last few weeks and I guess I'm having to get used to those changes, good and bad.

I made raw potato chips for the potluck tonight and decided to also bring the Brownie Bites I had made this week. I went into Fayetteville early and met Heather for tea at The Perk, a coffee/tea place that I'd never been to before. It's strange to be doing activities like my old days in Austin. It's strange to do them without Boni, to be quite honest. We had a really nice time, talking, and getting to know one another. I liked the tea, and the whole "having tea" experience. I get why the British do that each "afternoon," or is that just a glamorous belief we Americans have about them?

After we had tea, Heather rode with me over to the potluck. It was a huge one this time. Or it seemed so anyway. There were maybe 25-30 people in Rajashree's townhouse. It was wonderful, people seemed so close and family-like ---- family in the good sense of the word, haha. Anyway, it was so pleasing to me to watch everyone getting to know one another, finding little commonalities with each other, oohing and aahing over each others' recipes. The food was awesome, and my favorite of the night was Sue's Raw Turtles, an amazing chocolate nut coconut oil recipe that beats the shit out of any raw candy/cookie treat I've purchased commercially. Nature's First Law, you'd better snatch up Sue's confection, before she runs all those other ones you're selling outta town! These are heavenly, shocking how much they taste like a Fannie Mae or Russell Stover's chocolate delight. I can't stop gushing over them, sorry, guys, but this really is one of the best I've had. I'll be posting the recipe very soon.

At the potluck, several people commented on how different I'm looking, my hair, my eyes, my body, overall appearance. Darlene, an energy worker, even commented that I'm glowing. I told her I actually wanted to get some energy work done, and she said it doesn't look like I need any. That was pretty surprising, and I appreciated the compliment. It feels good to be feeling good about my looks again. I actually am starting to feel pretty again. What a change from 1 year ago!

I came home tonight around 9:45 pm, and it was strange, very strange to be in a quiet, dark house. I guess I'll really have to get used this again. It was nice to spend the rest of the evening, putting away laundry, picking up the house, checking and responding to emails. The house is cold, ever since it snowed the other day, and I'm noticing that I need heat on more than I used to. Losing weight is starting to impact my body temperature. I'm having to bundle up a lot more, and turn the heat up more now.

So this is my horiscope for today: Take a chance and you'll be able to broaden your horizons and enjoy increased potential and maximized rewards. Now is no time to hold back.

So tomorrow I'm going to go to Fayetteville and try another "gay" church. I called a friend of mine and she called a friend of hers who goes to that church and that woman is going to meet me there in the morning, so I'll feel more comfortable. THIS my friends is me taking a chance. I'm broadening my horizons, and hopefully going to enjoy blah blah blah, what all that quote says. Anyway, I'm doing things differently. I'm stepping outside my comfort zone. I'm nervous trying new things, but it's good for me. We'll see how it goes.

Food for Body:
- 20 oz 100% pure, from concentrate, orange juice
- The Perk: 2 pots of Serene decaf hot tea with honey and soy milk
- Raw Ozarks Potluck: 1 plate of a variety of raw gourmet dishes, a few extra pieces of Sue's delicious raw chocolate Turtles (gawd those are damn good!!!), few sips of mango-banana-orange smoothie and a few sips of water, contents of 2.5 maca capsules that Karesa had poured out testing to see how many capsules made a teaspoon
- few sips Light Hawaiian Punch (ugh! what was I thinking!)
- a few raw almonds, a few raisins

Exercise:
None, I'd really like to start again tomorrow. Actually I will be, cause I start back to bellydancing tomorrow night

January 9, 2005, Sunday (Day 9) Picture Day

Food for Thought:

I went to a new church today, Spirit of Peace at the United Campus Ministries on the University of Arkansas campus. The woman I mentioned last night met me there today and she was super nice, everyone was actually. I liked the service, aside from some pretty traditional "religious" rituals that were done. But hey, that's church, and that's something I'll have to figure out if I'm willing to work around or not. I loved the people though, and went to lunch with them afterwards. It was fun, but at one point, I found myself doing that bullshit so many raw foodists do, overtalking about the raw lifestyle and the crap Americans eat, blah blah blah. I hate that I did that. I don't want to be like that. I wish I'd kept my mouth shut about the raw thing and healthy eating til a few visits down the road. What a turnoff it can be! Sorry universe for being a little miss superior when it comes to my "diet."

I had plans this afternoon to help a friend on her computer, but her husband ended up not wanting her to put her personal stuff on the computer, so we said we'd reschedule for another time when we could work on her friend's computer. Instead I did some stuff around the house, like refill bird feeders, pick up, took new pictures of me, and hung with the pups.

So there's my newest picture, up there at the top of the screen. Or you can click here to see the full progress photos. 231 pounds, 1 year on my raw journey. I hate saying 1 year raw, cause really, I'm not "raw." I feel like I live a healthy life, not a raw life. I also consider it "high raw", but according to what most raw foodists call high raw, I'm not high raw. Anyway, I feel like a high amount of my food intake is raw, but definitely healthy, regardless. I hate that bullshit about labeling ourselves anyway. What a trap we fall into! I'm a healthy eater, that's all I need to say. Back to the pictures. So I feel thinner, I feel more attractive, and I feel like I'm starting to look like my younger pictures. Below is a close-up picture of my eye.



You can really see that the red bloodshot lines have started to fade away. I'm wearing contacts now, though, like I've said earlier, I did get new glasses, so I'll be sure to post a pic of me in my glasses soon. I really like how my eye color is starting to get even more vivid. I feel like I'm at an opthomologist's office though, looking at my eyeball that close-up. Freaked out yet? I'm staring at you! Hehe, guess my sense of humor is coming back a little bit, eh?

This afternoon, Michelle D. came over for a short visit before I went bellydancing. We visited and it was nice to hang out with her. I made us a nice salad for dinner and she got to try Annie's Goddess dressing for the first time. I swear I should get commission from Annie, so many people read my journals and go buy it. It's some damn good shit!

Tonight I went bellydancing. I wondered how my body would react after having not had classes for the last month. It picked right back up! I felt great, danced freely, moved muscles I've not moved before and even did a back bend from a standing position! My instructor was impressed and I helped encourage her to do one for the first time from a standing position as well. It was cool! I shimmied a lot to work my ab muscles and she said I'm really really getting it down good. She seems pretty impressed with my overall progress so far. I'm feeling so free with my body and not so scared to move it and show it.

Tonight I watched L.A. Story. Remember that 90s movie with Steve Martin and Sarah Jessica Parker, before she was popular? I love that movie. I bought it for $5.50 at Wal-Mart tonight when I went grocery shopping. It's late now and I need to get to bed, so I can be rested for another busy week.

Oh, I didn't talk about my healing, growth and progress on dealing with the break-up. What can I say? I'm dealing with it. Not happy, but not as sad as I have been in days past. I'm learning to accept that if this is the way life has to be, then what the hell can I do about it? Nothing. Let go, breathe, and pray. That's about it.

Food for Body:
- banana
- 16 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- Restaurant on the Corner: small dinner salad: romaine, raspberry vinaigrette dressing (yep, that was the extent of it), bowl of tomato soup, caffeinated iced tea
- 1 1/2 plates of salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess dressing
- glass of decaf iced tea
- handful almonds, raisins
- handful red seedless grapes

Exercise:
1 hour bellydancing

January 10, 2005, Monday (Day 10) Back to Work

Food for Thought:
Work today. Did not want to go. Overslept, hated being at work today. I did good, I mean, I was focused and got a lot done, but I wasn't happy. After work I ran a few errands, went home and hung out by myself, with the pups. My inbox was overflowing today with wonderful notes of praise and support for my latest pictures. Thank you everyone! It is pretty bizarre to look at my Day 1 picture next to my 1 Year picture. I swear I want to take that old ugly picture down and destroy it, not wanting anyone who meets me now to see how I used to be. But as a dear friend said to me a little while back, "I'd better not forget where I came from. I'd better not forget what it's like to be fat." She's right you know. The only way for me to keep moving forward is to look back every once in a while.

PS I didn't lose any more weight this weekend, which is surprising to me, considering how well I've eaten. Oh well, tomorrow's another day.

Food for Body:
- 16 oz, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- banana
- navel orange
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, green bell pepper, raisins, walnuts, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess dressing
- glass of decaf iced tea
- random bites of red seedless grapes, walnuts, raisins
- banana with almond butter, honey, walnuts
- smoothie: jar of Dole pineapple and pineapple juice, 2 frozen bananas (way too frothy, should have added coconut milk or soy milk)

Exercise: None

January 11, 2005, Tuesday (Day 11) Subway Sucks

Food for Thought:

I weighed at work today, and haven't lost anymore weight. I'm a little disappointed, but I know as healthy as I'm eating, the weight will start to fall off again. I've noticed it does that. It will fall off a pound a day or so for a while, then nothing for a while, then start up again. I just can't wait til I can say two-twenty-something, instead of two-thirty-something.

A friend picked me up and took me to lunch today at Subway. Subway Sucks! I used to love it! Remember how I was eating it almost every day? Well I ordered a salad today, but the rumor that Subway was discontinuing romaine lettuce, became a reality, when my only choices were shredded iceberg and spinach leaves. I had a mix of those two lettuces (neither of which I care for), and then, just as I was about to be ok with my salad, the preparer let me know that Subway is also discontuing the almond packs. What the hell? No fricken almonds, no good lettuce? Is this not the place that touts "Eat Fresh?" Isn't this the place that is all about eating healthy? It doesn't matter, this is supposed to be a place I can have a yummy, healthy meal. I ate my meal with a scowl on my face, well not really, cause I had good company, but still it definitely was unsatisfactory. Well screw it, I'm not going back there anymore. So much for a cheap, fast place to get a healthy meal.

I was gonna go for a walk or a run when I got home from work, then I was gonna go to a CoDA meeting. However something came up, so I didn't end up doing either. It's ok though, my night went just as it was supposed to.

Tonight a new email friend sent me her before and after pictures from her healthy life changes she's made. She weighed 310 to start and now weighs 210 and still has another 40 she wants to lose. Just like me!!!!!!!!!! She's not doing raw, but definitely a healthier approach to living. It was so awesome to see her pictures, I mean she doesn't even look like the same person, like me! I emailed her back asking if she would consider letting me post her pics directly in my journal, cause regardless of her method, she has overcome obesity, and I'm so proud of her. She said yes. Congratulations Steph!



Just in case people were interested in learning more about the dressing I eat all the time, Annie's Goddess dressing, click here for Annie's website.

I got this in my email inbox the other day. It's from the Yoga Daily Journal, but it really could apply to this or any lifestyle changes. I thought it was really good and a principle I'm working to put into place.

A Gentler Approach to New Year's Resolutions

If you struggle every year with resolutions to lose weight or get back in shape, it might be worth taking a different approach in 2005. The beginning of the year is an auspicious time to incorporate the yogic value of loving kindness—towards yourself as well as others—into your wellness plan.

Taking a gentle approach to diet and exercise regimens helps us see that there's no point to the self-judgment that often accompanies failure to stick to them. Turning down the volume on self recrimination makes that energy available for other activities—like taking good care of yourself. When you fall off your plan, what's truly important is that you allow yourself to start the next day fresh, viewing it as a new opportunity to honor yourself. Try unrolling your yoga mat before you go to sleep so that you feel invited back to your practice in the morning. To make it super easy, pop in a DVD. Consider Yoga Journal's Step-by-Step home practice series, the first workshop-quality yoga DVD series on the market. Rated "Best Yoga Video of 2004" by the St. Louis Dispatch and the "cream of the exercise video crop" by Real Simple magazine, the Step-by-Step series allows you to grow into your practice safely with top-notch instruction from "Beginner's Guru" Natasha Rizoplouos. Session 1 teaches classic and invigorating sun salutations; session 2 focuses on flexibility, and session 3 is a sound approach to inversions and balances. Honor yourself in the New Year with a gentler approach—and build real momentum towards your goals.

Food for Body:
- 16 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate orange juice
- Subway: veggie salad (if you can call it that): shredded iceberg, black olives, green bell peppers, tomatoes, Fat Free Honey Mustard dressing, caffeinated iced tea
- orange
- 1 lb. red seedless grapes
- glass of decaf iced tea
- large salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, green bell pepper, raisins, walnuts, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess dressing

Exercise: None, but I thought about it

January 12, 2005, Wednesday (Day 12) Just the Facts, Ma'am

Food for Thought: Have none today. Not really, but none I wanna share.

Weight: 231 pounds

Food for Body:
- 24 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- glass of decaf iced tea
- banana
- Brioso Brazil: caffeinated iced tea, 1 plate of salad: romaine, leafy greens, celery, cucumber, red bell pepper, cherry tomato, sweet gherkins, creamy pasta salad, green olives, black olives, roasted/salted cashews, raisins, Fat Free Blueberry Poppyseed dressing, another small bowl of creamy pasta salad, raisins and cashews
- nothing else the rest of the day - had a hard evening

Exercise: None

January 14, 2005, Friday (Day 14) A Night Out

Food for Thought:

Woohoo! I weigh 230 pounds! That's 9 pounds lost in exactly 2 weeks, since I've gone back to raw, healthy eating. I can't wait to see how my body transforms over the next few weeks. Hopefully my next weekday report (since I only weigh at the office) I'll be in the two twenties. Yes! PS I was sore today and walked funny all day at work.

I went out tonight with friends. It was the first outing that I've had - I mean a real night out. Dinner with 5 other women, then we went over to another couple's house and hung out with them. It was weird, but good. I had a great time. It was just so strange, you know? Not sure what all I think, I guess I'll have to let this all sink in.

For dinner we went to Outback Steakhouse, one of my absolute favorites. I ignored the yummy pumpernickel bread on the table and had the waiter keep the croutons and cheese off my salad, even though those croutons are homemade and incredibly savory. I also managed to have a plain baked potato with some A1 and some plain steamed veggies. They have THE best steamed veggies of anywhere I've ever had. Ever, seriously. Heaven, that's what those are. I oohed and aahed over my veggies while everyone else, pretty silently, ate their steaks. It's so interesting to find such pleasure in food, when it used to be such a "sin," when it was crap cooked.

Later, at the friends' house, the hosts offered coffee and cake. I hadn't been offered cake in a long time, it wasn't really hard to say no, but of course I thought about it for a moment. Even went through the justification of "it's rude to say no, when offered." But I didn't. I asked about hot tea instead of coffee, but what they had was caffeinated and it was already nearly midnight, so I declined and had some water instead.

I was thinking today about how normally I go right into conversation about From SAD to RAW, after how I eat becomes a discussion point. With this group of people, I haven't. I'm having issues of shame from how I used to look. I have huge problems worrying that people will identify me as a fat person who's trying to be thin...instead of how *I* see myself, as a fat-child-turned-thin-teen-turned-fat-woman-turned-healthy-woman. I'm fearful of any identifier actually. I just want to be who I am now, but who I WAS I guess made me who I AM. Anyway, I haven't given out my From SAD to RAW business cards or even mentioned my website yet. I hate to think what that's saying about me.

This was Today's Inspiration that came in my email inbox.
"Dance like no one is watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like no one is listening, Live like it's heaven on earth." - William Purkey

Yesterday I bellydanced like no one was watching. I don't know about the love like you'll never be hurt. I'm still loving and I have been hurt. As for singing <laughing as I type this>, I guess I really did sing like no one was listening - I was on my way home last night from bellydancing and I was behind a school bus. I was blaring Julie Roberts' "If You'd Have Called Yesterday," and I was singing at the top of my lungs. I look up to see a bunch of school kids laughing their asses off at me. What a geek I am! As for the last part, "Live like it's heaven on earth," guess that will just take some time.

This was today's Yoga Journal Daily that came in my email inbox. I need to pay attention to this, big time.

Reflection: Devotion

Some schools of yoga practice the yoga of devotion, or bhakti yoga. This involves dedicating some part of life or your day to something outside of yourself. It doesn't have to be a higher power, but could instead be someone you know in your daily life.

This practice allows you to transcend your individual struggle in the recognition that you are focused on something outside yourself. In other words, it makes it easier for you to get through challenging times because you know you have a higher purpose.

Try it this week. Each morning, pick someone you know who might need some extra love or support. As you go about your day, this of that person as often as possible. Send him or her your kindest intentions. Then whenever you get frustrated or tired, remember the person you dedicated your day to. You'll find internal strength while sharing your devotion with another.

Food for Body:
- 16 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess dressing, decaf iced tea
- Outback Steakhouse: caffeinated iced tea, salad of iceberg, cucumber, tomatoes, honey mustard dressing, cracked pepper, steamed veggies and a plain baked potato with chives and A1 sauce
- iced water

Exercise: None

January 16, 2005, Sunday (Day 16) The Journey

Food for Thought:

Today was all about my journey to health...nature and community at the Wholistic Life Center, raw groceries at Ozark Natural Foods, herbal tea at Common Grounds, spirituality at Family of Faith, and herbal tea again at Starbucks. What a day I've had.

This morning, Michelle D. came over and we drove to Washburn Missouri to the Wholistic Life Center. We met Karesa there, who works and lives there, for a tour of the 907 acre grounds. It is breathtaking. Lakes, creeks, winding roads, old stone buildings, prairies, fields and woods, rock ledges with ice formations hanging off of them, just peace, quiet, nature. Everyone greeted us with hugs, not handshakes, a sense of comfortableness that I'm slowly getting used to in the various communities I've become a part of. We visited the massage school and for about half a second I considered what my life would be like if I attended the school and became a massage therapist. Nah, I think I like massaging the mind more than I do the body. I'm a psychologist at heart you know...or maybe a sociologist, not sure really. I just love watching people and learning why they do the things they do - what they think, what they feel, how they deal. Tangent, sorry.

We had lunch there, and Karesa invited me into the kitchen to help prepare our meal. I put on an apron and felt just like I was at camp in the community kitchen. What a strange life it must be to live in a community, instead of a home - to live with dozens instead of one other. Karesa had saved raw cucumber soup from the night before, so we enjoyed a bowl of that. Both Michelle D. and I had our reservations, though I could see it more on Michelle's face than my own. I've got a great poker face when it comes to social settings. I tried a spoonful and swallowed it whole, not really enjoying it. The next spoonful however, tasted different - or did I just taste it differently? I liked it. I took a bite of the raw sour cream, which normally would have freaked me out - anything fermented still freaks me out. But it was heavenly. I lapped up the whole bowl and had seconds of sour cream. I was still hungry and kept eyeing the loaded baked potato plates of the other staff members and guests. I debated for a few minutes, until Karesa mentioned that salad would be coming soon. I didn't care about the salad at that moment, I wanted a baked potato. As rude as it might have been, when Karesa worked so hard to be sure to keep enough cucumber soup and ensure salad for her raw guests, I asked if I could have a potato. She said, "Sure, if you want one," leaving me feeling like I was a big ole' loser for wanting one. I sensed disappointment in her voice, but overlooked it as I cut into a potato and added green onions, green bell peppers, pepper, and a homemade tahini dressing. It was delicious and I finished it off completely. I, of course, was full then, and didnt make a salad, for which I should feel REALLY badly. Oh well, I eat what I want. I ate the cucumber soup, enjoyed it; ate the potato and enjoyed it. Sorry, Karesa :)

After lunch, Karesa asked if I wanted to stay for the support group, and although I really did, I already had plans with another friend that afternoon, so I said I'd be sure to come back another time. I dropped Michelle D. off at her house, which we discovered was a lot closer than we realized. I went home, let the pups out and pretty much turned around and headed out the door to pick up a friend to go to Fayetteville. We went to Ozark Natural Foods for me to pick up some more Nag Champa incense, Avalon Organics lavendar conditioner, brazil nuts, cashews, sunflower seeds, chick peas (I'm gonna make that delicious falafel from Juliano's book that Karesa brought me a few weeks ago), and some Garden of Life coconut oil. Unfortunately, they were out of the coconut oil, which was really what I wanted, so I could make Sue's Chocolate Turtles this week. We left and realized we still had plenty of time before the church service we were going to at 5:00, so we headed downtown to have tea/coffee. We decided on Common Grounds, a great bar/coffeehouse right on Dickson Street. I ordered decaf Earl Greyer hot tea, and tried to order some of their fabulous Super Natural granola with blueberries and strawberries, but they were out. Just as well, I sorta felt weird ordering granola anyway - though I'm not sure why - I mean it's a grain, it's natural, it's healthy, and I'm not 100% raw. My thought processes on what I find ok and not ok on my cooked % is such a phenomenon, really.

We went to Family of Faith, which is another gay church service, that I was wanting to try. It was pretty much the same as the other two I've been to. The people are nice and huggy, but the traditional part of the service just isn't really my thing. They say things as a whole congregation like, "Christ died. Christ is risen. Christ will come again." I feel like it's a cult chanting some monotone mantra. I kinda wanna laugh when I hear it (sorry, God). Anyway, I've said before the whole "Jesus, Christ, Lord, Savior, Bible" thing really isn't my thing. It's ok, I'm not upset that I don't "belong" there. I don't belong anywhere right now, and I'm ok with that. Shocking that I'm ok with that, but I am. Growth, it's the damndest thing, aint it? Next weekend I'm going to go back to that same church, but for the morning Unitarian service - gay friendly, not gay.

On my way home from dropping off my friend, Boni called and asked if I wanted to go have tea. I ran home and let the dogs out and then went by and picked her up to go to Starbucks. We had a nice time talking - we're trying to heal some of the things from our past. Sometimes I have to stop and take a breath. My life has changed so much over the last year, even more so in the last 6 months, and tremendously in the last 6 weeks. This journey never ceases to amaze me.

Food for Body:
- 16 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- Wholistic Life Center: raw cucumber soup with raw sour cream, baked potato with chives, green bell peppers, a homemade tahini dressing, pepper
- Common Grounds: decaf Earl Greyer hot tea with honey and soy milk
- Starbucks: herbal Lotus tea with honey
- handful raw cashews (raw as in raw nuts, but you know they were heated in processing)
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess dressing, decaf iced tea

Exercise: None

January 17, 2005, Monday (Day 17) Things are Looking Up

Food for Thought:

I weighed this morning. There it is folks. 229.5 - I'm under 230! I'm so happy. That was the most wonderful feeling in the world to see all of my hard work paying off. What a wonderful feeling! And look at how I'm eating? I'm eating so healthy. Nothing crappy since the beginning of January. Holy shit! And I'm not really having to try. It's just coming naturally. It's like I told a friend the other day on the phone. We keep eating shit, til we don't. It has to come when we're ready, we can't force it. And if we end up slipping and eating some shit, so be it. Tomorrow's another day. I had to stop controlling my eating, to stop being controlled by it.

I went to Nature's Harmony today during lunch to pick up some Garden of Life Coconut Oil. I'm gonna make Sue's Chocolate Turtles tonight, I think. I've been craving them ever since the last raw potluck. Isn't it interesting how we're using SAD names for raw recipes - I mean it's so wonderful, but sometimes I feel I have to clarify every single time I mention I'm having ravioli, or spaghetti, or falafel, or chocolate candy - that it's RAW, not cooked. That it's good for me, not bad for me like a Hershey bar. It's weird. I guess we all have it, cause when I read through the other's journals, I have to remind myself that the "breads," "onion rings," "tortes," "cookies," etc that people are eating are NOT cooked, they're raw. Maybe one day I won't care what people might think and just get over it. Strange though, isn't it? I guess it's still my guilt over thinking people will think I'm "cheating" on my "diet" if I say I had chocolate turtles for dessert. Ah the life of a raw foodist...

Today, before I left work, I made a plan for the evening. I didn't have plans with anyone, so I wanted to 1.) go home and let the dogs out and put my workday things away, 2.) take the dogs for a walk, then take myself for a run, 3.) make a big salad for dinner, and 4.) go to Panera to have hot tea and journal and read and work on the computer. I kinda half-heartedly believed I'd actually keep myself motivated enough to do all of those things. It's really cold right now - like in the mid 20s (cold for me!), so I wondered if I wouldn't get all warm in the house when I got home and sit down with my computer and the tv and decide not to go. But I didn't. I did exactly what I said and felt so super after my run. I had my salad, took a refreshing shower, and even still thought maybe I'd just snuggle in with the pups and watch tv. But I didn't. I got dressed, hair wet, and drove myself down to Panera. It was after 8 pm and I didn't know they closed at 8, so I reluctantly went to Starbucks. I really like Panera and I love that they have free internet access. Anyway, I went to Starbucks, did some journaling on the site, updated some stuff on the site, had tea, went through my backpack of paperwork, and ended up staying there until 10:00 when they closed. I didn't read, nor journal, which was really my point, as I had a lot of things I needed to process. But it was all ok. I did what I was supposed to do.

I had a wonderful day and am feeling really good. Some great things are happening in my life right now, that I'm not quite ready to talk about - maybe soon.

Food for Body:
- 24 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- banana
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, green bell pepper, raisins, walnuts, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess dressing
- decaf iced tea
- orange
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, walnuts, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess dressing
- decaf iced tea
- Starbucks: herbal Lotus tea with honey
- several small pieces of raw Sue's Chocolate Turtles (oh man, am I ever gonna regret learning how to make THAT recipe!)

Exercise: 1.5 mile walk/run (ended up running 1 mile of it and walking .5 mile of it - walk/run of and on)

January 18, 2005, Tuesday (Day 18) Runnin, Who'd a Thunk It?

Food for Thought:

I've been exercising again, and it feels so good. I can't believe how my energy is starting to pick up and my desire to exercise is coming back.

Boni asked if we could get together tonight and watch the season premier of American Idol, an old tradition we used to have every Tuesday/Wednesday night. I said yes, but that I was going to run first. I made the commitment to stick to what my goal was, and my goal for today was to run again. I decided not to take the dogs on a walk first, because I had limited time before she was coming over. I started out running my normal route - down to the Walton's house, back around one of the Bogle's houses, back up to the top of the hill by my house. I ran the whole way, not stopping once, even to pet the horses, which I normally would do. When I got to the top of the hill, I stopped running and walked for half a block to the other neighborhood I like to run in. When I got there, something inside me just picked up my feet and I started running again. I had my tiny MP3 player going the whole time, and I have to say, the music did it for me. Having a distraction, not being able to hear the outside world, and especially not being able to hear my own panting and wheezy breath helped tremendously. I was in a zone, I was focused on the music, not on my body or the cold, or the tired I might have been feeling. That is definitely the way for me to exercise, listening to music. I never had tried that before when I walked/ran, and it made all the difference. So I ran for a while, then stopped and walked another half a block, but picked right up again and ran the rest of the way til I got home. I felt invigorated and almost did a Rocky Balboa imitation on my front lawn. I felt like a champ and was so proud of myself! I can do this! I can overcome this stupid ass obesity, I can be as fit and trim as I was in high school, and this time, not accompanied by an alcohol-induced stupor or a cigarette-laden raspy voice.

I weighed again this morning, and was pissed off that I'd actually gained half a pound (230 pounds), but my coworker reminded me that blah blah blah, "muscle weighs more than fat." Yada yada - come on - I still have fat to lose, how can muscle be taking over already? I hate that bullshit line of muscle weighs more than fat. I really think that must be a myth we all tell ourselves when we gain weight. Screw that. I do NOT want the number to go up, I want it to go down, dammit! I've been eating incredibly for the last 18 days, I've started exercising again - walking/running/bellydancing and yet I'm not losing more weight. Screw you, Scale!!! I will defeat you little fucker!

(Yikes, a little hostility-monster has seeped into my brain!)

For some personal news, Boni and I are trying to work things out. We're taking it slow and giving each other the room we need to do this in a healthy way. If you are interested in seeing what our astrological compatibility is (which we both found incredibly interesting), click here. I'm very happy with this next chapter and hope to be able to continue healing, while nurturing the relationship Boni and I are trying to build. A new start.

Yesterday's daily inspiration was perfect for me.

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough. - Meister Eckhart

I've been learning to say thank you and have gratitude for the things in my life - the good and the bad.

Then today's daily inspiration was even more perfect, as I'm learning to really listen, an art at which I have never been very good.

Hearing is one of the body's five senses. But listening is an art. - Frank Tyger

I'm quite amazed at how all of the daily horoscopes, daily inspirations and messages I've been receiving have been so relevant to me. Things are not just coincidence and all the work I've been doing to heal and grow is paying off in such a big way. I feel like a perennial flower who dies and stays dormant, all the while doing work to be able to grow and bloom again in the Spring - the cycle of life.

Food for Body:
- 32 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- banana
- bowl of Campbell's tomato soup
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess dressing
- glass of decaf iced tea
- a few cashews and brazil nuts out of the dehydrator
- several Chocolate Turtles
- glass of decaf iced tea
- several Chocolate Turtles
- orange
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, Annie's Goddess dressing
- glass of decaf iced tea
- several Chocolate Turtles

Exercise: 1 mile run/.5 mile walk (wow, this feels great! I can not believe I'm doing this!)

January 19, 2005, Wednesday (Day 19) I Must Be an Infomercial for Running

Food for Thought:

Argh, fricken scale must have read my journal entry from last night. I gained another half a pound (230.5 pounds). Ok, I'm gonna stop freaking out. I'm gonna just say I'm PMSing. When was my period last month? Oh I guess I just had it on January 2nd, well great, that's not a valid excuse. Ok, enough whining (oops, an emailer just commended me for not being a whiner and here I am whining about my weight)....It's ok. I'm exercising and I'm eating like a health fiend, what fricken more can I ask of myself? Nothing!

Alright, time for some graphic stuff. Gas is upon me. BMs are non-stop. It's either the Annie's dressing or the Raw Chocolate Turtles that I'm overindulging in - or a combination of the two. Let me tell ya, my BMs may be floating - as we're told they should if we're eating high raw - but they are happening way too often for me to enjoy. And my gas, my gawd, I'm going to kill the army still over in Iraq. It's not right. I remember when I was high raw before, no gas, none, nada, zilch. Now, my gas is just over the top. Ok, I'm grossing myself out, but I just had to be honest. It's not all roses, folks! Sure doesn't smell like it anyway.

I went running again tonight before bellydancing at 7:00. I took the dogs for the usual half mile walk down by the horses, dropped them off at home and took off for my run. This was the best run I've had so far. Didn't stop once the entire time, not even to cross a busy intersection, jogged in place til I could dart through traffic. I kept saying, "If I want to stop, I'll stop at the next cross street." Then the next cross street would come and I'd say, "If the next song is a slow one, I'll stop and walk." And the next song would be fast, as if my God Trainer was chanting me on. I didn't even stop when I got to my front yard, I made myself run all the way up to the side door on my house, like it was a finish line or something. I hope I'm not going on and on too much about this running thing, but this is one of the greatest accomplishments this body has seen in a long ass time! Oh, I will admit that I had been guestimating my distance the last few days, cause I hate wearing the stupid pedometer that falls off all the time. Therefore, tonight after my run, as I was leaving to go to bellydancing, I decided to drive my car on the route I take each day. It measured at 1.4 miles - not 2 like I'd thought. Oh well. I'm calling it 1.5 miles cause that 1/10 of a mile is the areas that my car couldn't get to. I've gone back and corrected my last few days entries. I'm still super happy with running a mile and walking 1/2 mile. It's such a great feeling and doesn't take me long at all to do. Quick, easy workout - my heartrate gets up for a reasonable amount of time, my stomach is already getting noticeably flatter, my thighs and calves are getting tighter, and I hurt in wonderful places! I can really understand why runners do this. The high is sensational. After I ran to the side door, I walked around the yard catching my breath and letting my heartrate come back down. Then I walked to the backyard and laid on the hammock, staring up at the limbs of the trees and the hazy cloud-covered moon. The sky was breathtaking, the air was crisp and clean, everything seemed alive. And I felt so at peace. Nothing else seemed to matter in that moment. I just laid there feeling the breeze on my flushed face, and goosebumps covered my arms from the fact that I was so hot from running but so cold from the night air. What an exhileration. I must not stop doing this for myself. It puts so many things into perspective and helps me not take life so seriously.

Ok, come back down to earth, Emily Dickinson. So I went to bellydancing, and again danced my tush off. It felt great dancing after running and I felt I really worked my muscles tonight. All this exercise surely has to impact my body shape! We watched a video of Jillian, a famous cabaret bellydancer and I was just in awe of her body and the way she moved it. I hope to look like that one day, and dance like that too.

After dancing, I went to Barnes and Noble to have some herbal tea and do some journaling. Boni came up to visit me and we ended up buying duplicate copies of a Dr. Phil relationship book, called "Relationship Rescue." I'm looking forward to reading it at the same time as Boni and talking about how we feel about it. There's exercises and questions in it that the couple is supposed to work on together. I feel kinda weird writing this, but then again it is a significant part of my life, and I do like to express thoughts on all "compartments."

Here's today's daily inspiration:

Someone's sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago. - Warren Buffet

This was the coolest quote. I mean this is exactly what I feel like. I've been working so hard on my emotional health for the last 7 months, especially the last month, and now things are looking up. My hard work or karma buildup or whatever is paying off. I feel the reward of all the pain and healing that has occurred. And then if that weren't enough, Michelle T. sent me my horoscope for last week. Check this out.

Last October I crammed all the fallen leaves from my mulberry tree into a garbage can, which I then hauled to a spot behind the garage and forgot about. Recently I rediscovered it. Though the temperature outside was in the 40s, the leaves inside the can were positively warm from the chemical changes going on as they rotted. Believe it or not, I immediately thought of you, Gemini. Metaphorically speaking, there is something similar going on in your life. The decay of the old stuff that you shed a few months ago is now generating a lot of energy. Can you somehow make use of it?

Whoa, now if that's not perfectly right on for what I'm going through, and what I did go through. Jeez, life can be so serendipidous sometimes!

It's late. I'm going to bed now. I'm exhausted and feel like a fat cow (from overeating the damn chocolate turtles and crispy raw cashews this evening - damn you Sue for ever creating such an addicting recipe!)

Food for Body:
- 24 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- 3 chocolate turtles
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess dressing
- decaf iced tea
- 3 more chocolate turtles
- orange
- decaf iced tea
- more chocolate turtles (I'm losing count)
- a bunch of raw cashews
- Campbell's tomato soup
- decaf iced tea
- 24 oz water
- Barnes and Noble: herbal chamomile and lavendar hot tea with honey
- some more raw cashews, some brazil nuts, raisins, another chocolate turtle (get them out of my face)
- 8 oz water

Exercise: 1/2 mile walk with the pups, 1 mile run by myself

January 20, 2005, Thursday (Day 20) Is It Friday Yet?

Food for Thought:

I weighed this morning - no weight gain, no weight loss. 230 pounds.

Today dragged on forever! I want it to be Friday so badly. I'm exhausted and ready for the weekend to get here. Michelle D. and her son came by the office today and I gave her 2 of Sue's Chocolate Turtles to try. She loved them!

After work, I took the dogs for a walk, brought them back to the house and took off on my run. I only made it half a mile before I had to stop and walk. I walked another 1/4 mile and did my best to run the last 1/4 mile home. I was tired and had no energy to exercise today. Maybe I overdid it yesterday, but I was a bit disappointed in myself, none-the-less.

I went over to Boni's tonight and watched the season premier of The Apprentice. Man I think this season is going to be the end of the Trump brilliance. It seems like it's gonna be kinda dumb, and sorta staged, but we'll see. Boni made some popcorn, but I had already had some and didn't want to binge on it again. I ate two pieces and she ate the rest. Then of course when I got home, I wasn't craving salad, but I was hungry. I boiled some soup on the stove at the same time I popped some popcorn on the stove. I ate both and now feel like a balloon. Why can't I stay away from things like popcorn. I just have an addictive nature and can't have a little. Damn that stuff! Shoulda just had my salad tonight like I do most nights. I'm sorta bored and want to make falafel, but it takes days to soak and sprout the chick peas and I'm impatient. I want a bunch of recipes just to be miraculously done and in my fridge ready to snack on at any given moment.

Food for Body:
- 24 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- 1 piece of Sue's Chocolate Turtles
- bunch of cashews
- salad: romaine, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess dressing
- 16 oz water
- orange
- more cashews, a few brazil nuts
- 2 pieces of Sue's Chocolate Turtles
- bowl of stove-top popcorn with sea salt
- 16 oz water
- banana with almond butter, honey, cashews
- 2 pieces of Boni's stove-top popcorn
- another bowl of stove-top popcorn with sea salt
- small bowl Campbell's tomato soup
- glass of decaf iced tea

Exercise:
1/2 mile walk with the pups, 1/2 mile run, 1/4 mile walk, 1/4 mile run by myself (super tired and couldn't make a mile straight run)

January 21, 2005, Friday (Day 21) Dairy Does Not Agree With Me

Food for Thought:

Gained 1/2 a pound. Lovely. Weight 230.5

Today I met Heather at Brioso Brazil for lunch. I had anxiety about eating the creamy pasta in front of another raw foodist, and explained this neurosis to Heather before we sat down to eat. I don't know why I feel the need to explain my food choices, but I do. Shortly after we sat down, a funny thing happened. A man walked over to the table and said, "Are you Michelle?" A bit confused, as I didn't recognize him, I said, "Yes." He proceeded to say he knew me from my site and that he and his wife visit it frequently and even tried raw for a while. He said they saw me when I came in and recognized me from my picture. We chatted for a few minutes and he pointed out his wife and I waved at her. It was quite funny and Heather and I got a good chuckle out of the "famous person sighting" that had just occurred. How hilarious is that! My 15 seconds of fame happened today at Brioso. It was kinda fun.

So, for some odd reason I chose to have Blue Cheese dressing on my second plate of salad. It tasted sorta strange, but of course, like a good cooked-addict, I proceeded to eat most of what was on my plate. By the time I got back to my office, all hell had broken loose in my stomach and bowel. I must have been on the toilet every 15 minutes for the rest of the afternoon. Holy shit, literally! I was miserable. My stomach was doing flipflops, I had gas, diarreah, the whole shabang. I was miserable - oh I already said that. Well that's how badly I felt. I regret having that dressing, but know now that dairy does NOT do well with me, after 21 days without it. God, please help me not do that again. What a miserable afternoon I had and up until I met 2 of my friends for dinner at Atlanta Bread Company, I didn't think I'd be able to have anything the rest of the night except some hot tea. I got the soup instead and it actually seemed to calm and coat my stomach. Ugh, dairy. I guess that means my craving for Mexican (queso) is gonna have to be put on hold indefinitely. Damn, and I was actually considering a little binge this weekend. Thanks Raw God, for putting me in check.

After dinner, Boni asked me to stop by, so I went over to her house and we ended up watching the season premier of Monk. I love that guy. You know, I'm kinda like him. I'm a neurotic freak who overthinks everything and has to keep talking til I say something stupid and ruin a perfectly good moment. Oh, did I say that outloud?

I've been an emotional mess all day. Are we SURE I'm not PMSing? Isn't is possible that I could be already about to have my period again even though it's been less than 3 weeks since my last one? I've been crying off and on all day - for nothing really - and my eyes are swollen!

Below are pictures that Michelle D. took on our outing to the Wholistic Life Center in Missouri last Sunday. Thanks Michelle!


The entrance to the Wholistic Life Center in Missouri


The Stone House - where guests of the Massage School stay...


The resident staff cabins


An old building on the property where the original owner had his pharmacy


The dining hall where we enjoyed our lunch


The absolutely perfect, serene dam/creek below the Stone House


The lake below the Stone House


The Yoga Room in the Stone House


The Stone House


The School of Massage Therapy and the Dining Hall


The School of Massage Therapy

Food for Body:
- 16 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- Brioso Brazil: 2 plates of salad: romaine, leafy greens, red/green/yellow bell pepper, cucumber, celery, tomato, sweet gherkins, green olives, black olives, roasted/salted cashes, roasted/salted sunflower seeds, raisins, potato salad, creamy pasta salad, fat free blueberry poppseed dressing, blue cheese dressing, cracked pepper, caffeinated iced tea
- Atlanta Bread Company: bowl of garden vegetable soup, caffeinated iced tea
- large handful raw cashews, raisins, brazil nuts
- decaf iced tea
- large bowl of stove-top popcorn, sea salt

Exercise: None

January 22, 2005, Saturday (Day 22) What Do You Title a Day Like Today?

Food for Thought:

Today was a very long and great day. Boni and I went out to Bella Vista to go to two estate sales and so that she could water some plants at a client's house. Then we went to the Rogers Historical Museum for a botanical garden Smithsonian exhibit. We learned about a cool chick, named Louise Hayden, who was one of the first female aviators and even beat Amelia Earhardt in some airplane derby. After the museum, we decided to have lunch at A Taste of Thai, a new restaurant that opened up in Rogers, but that we had tried in Bentonville way before we ever went raw. We had initially decided on going to Olive Garden, but both thought that sounded good as we drove by it on the way to the museum. We split soup, a spring roll appetizer (fried, but oh so damn good!), and a veggie plate with steamed rice. She doesn't eat rice, which I was fine with cause I ate almost the whole thing by myself. It was so delicious and aside from the spring rolls, I was completely pleased with the healthiness of our meal. We decided we'd definitely be goin there again and going back to the one in Bentonville too. It's so much lighter and healthier than Indian food ---- we had gone to the Indian buffet several times last year and felt sick almost every time we left there.

After lunch, we went to a used bookstore that we saw in Rogers. I bought a bunch of recovery and self-help books ranging in price from 50 cents to $2.00 each. Really great prices. I love how Boni and I love to do the same types of things. Things are going so well, by the way. I don't even know how to waste words trying to describe what it's like to be working things out. Nothing I could say could express my happiness right now. So I won't even try. Anyway, after the bookstore Boni and I went to each of our houses to do a couple of things and then we met back up again to go to Starbucks for coffee and reading. It was fun, but we were absolutely freezing from the drop in temperature. It's supposed to be like 14 degrees tonight and we both seem to be colder now that we've lost so much weight. After Starbucks, I ran into Harps to get 4 bags of lettuce, some bananas and avocados for Boni since she was coming over to have salad for dinner and watch a movie. I made us a huge, delicious salad, but after my first bowl and her only bowl of salad, I ran out of Annie's dressing and started to panic. I love that stuff so much that I think I'm becoming addicted. I tried to get more bottles at the coop last weekend, but they only had one left. I need to just buy a case or buy a gallon at a time. It's expensive, but I do not care. I love it! I ended up adding some Ken's Country French dressing to my salad, but it SO was not the same.

Today was a wonderful day. Things are going so great with Boni and I, feels like I'm in a dream. Hard to believe the place I was in just one month ago and now things are just so different. I'm scared to type the words, like I'll jinx something. I just have to say that I'm happy, with myself and with us...

After Boni left, I decided I'd start making some of my raw gourmet recipes that I've been meaning to make. I've kept myself so busy that staying at home and actually doing "home" stuff has become a bit of a rarity. So I made some raw falafel, but didn't have all of the ingredients, so typical me - I just substituted and made up my own recipe. I tried the batter and it tasted just as wonderful as Karesa's. I had taken Juliano's advice and duplicated the recipe, so one of the batches I made not spicy and the other I added cayenne to to make it spicy, since Boni loves spicy foods. Did I mention she loves my raw gourmet cooking and I've so missed preparing meals for her? Anyway, a note to all of you who are going to try the falafel recipe. If you experience the preparation the way I did, I tried to roll the dough in my hands to make a circle, then I was going to flatten the balls on the mesh sheet. Well it wouldn't work that way for me cause the batter was too sticky to form a ball OR leave my hands to go onto the mesh sheet. So I decided I'd use a spatula to glob a big amount on to the mesh sheet, then, using a trick I learned from my mom years ago, I dipped the spatula into a glass of warm water and proceeded to smooth the glob out into round "hamburger" patties. It worked perfectly!

Next I made Sue's Chocolate Turtles. Boni doesn't like raisins, so this time I cut up some halawi dates into small pieces and used that instead. And I also added more agave nectar to make it a tad sweeter than it was in the last batch.

I guess I was on a roll, cause I decided to go ahead and make the "Bacon, Why Not" recipe with the eggplant I bought last week. I had no clue what "thinly sliced" meant, and I knew it wouldn't go through my spiral slicer whole like that, so I just used a knife and started slicing. We'll see how it turns out. At least I can say I tried it.

I watched Bed of Roses and kept sneaking into the fridge to break off pieces of the Chocolate Turtle recipe chilling in the fridge. I feel kinda fat tonight, I guess cause I haven't exercised in a few days and I ate Thai for lunch and then ate too much of the Chocolate Turtles. Raw or not, those are decadent.

An email friend of mine sent me this article yesterday and I thought it was interesting enough to share.

• 47,456 unique visitors
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Oh, hey, I saw that my comment to Frederic Patenaude, from a while back, is posted on his website. That's cool.

Food for Body:
- travel mug of mate latte hot tea with soy milk and honey
- caffeinated iced tea
- banana
- A Taste of Thai: iced water, vegetable broth soup, 2 fried spring rolls with peanut oil sauce, stir fried vegetables with two mounds of steamed white rice, 1 slice of cucumber
- Starbucks: hot drink of half decaf coffee and half soy milk with 3 packets of honey, several handfuls raw trail mix: mixed nuts and raisins; several sips of a nasty caffeinated iced black tea (ick, it's not lipton or luzianne or tetley!)
- 2 bowls of salad: spring mix, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, tomato, red/yellow/green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess dressing, Ken's Country French dressing (ran out of Annie's!)
- milkshake: Dole natural pineapple and juice (from a jar), soy milk, frozen bananas (mmmmmmm!)
- bites of falafel recipe as I was putting it into the dehydrator, licked the spatula of the Sue's Chocolate Turtles recipe
- rest of caffeinated iced tea from this morning, some more decaf iced tea
- several pieces of Sue's Chocolate Turtles

Exercise: None

January 23, 2005, Sunday (Day 23) Just a Day

Food for Thought:

I spent the whole day being by myself, hanging at the house with the dogs and the cat. It was a wonderfully leisurely day, even though I did get a lot of chores done. I had planned to get up and go to a new church and then go out to the Wholistic Life Center for a support group, but I got up late and didn't feel like going out. My "Bacon, Why Not" recipe is still in the dehydrator. So much for 9 hours on each side.....it's gonna be there a lot longer before it gets near crispy enough. I also made Potato Chips today and juiced all of the apples I had on my counter.

In the evening, Boni and I went to Wal-Mart to get some groceries and then she came over to have dinner and watch tv.

I got this email today: I was wondering if you have come across a "raw" recipe for Lettuce Wraps or Asian Wraps or something like it?

Here's my response: I haven't come across one, but if I were going to make lettuce wraps myself, here's what I'd do...Diced veggies of green/red/yellow/orange bell pepper, mushrooms, celery, water chestnuts (I'd buy from the can, probably processed), carrots, green onions; Nama shoyu or any raw asian dressing (there's one on my site) or the Sweet and Sour Ginger Dressing on my site; Mix and marinate for a few hours then pour into large lettuce leaves.

Food for Body:
- fresh squeezed apple juice
- raw falafel, small bowl of Campbell's tomato soup
- decaf iced tea
- too many Sue's Chocolate Turtles
- salad: spring mix, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, tomato, red/yellow/green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, Ken's Country French dressing
- too many Sue's Chocolate Turtles
- salad: spring mix, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, tomato, red/yellow/green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, Ken's Country French dressing
- raw falafel,
- decaf iced tea
- too many Sue's Chocolate Turtles

Exercise: Not a damn thing

January 24, 2005, Monday (Day 24) Friendship

Food for Thought:

I was gonna go for a walk with the dogs after work, but Boni and her sister asked if I wanted to join them at Outback for dinner, so I went. I love that place!

After dinner, Heather came over and stayed til 1:30 in the morning. We just talked and talked and talked. It was the most fun! I felt like school girls having a sleep over and talking about everything imaginable. I love how close I'm becoming to her - deep friendships are such a rarity for me and it's so refreshing to be able to connect on so many levels with her. So glad we have so much in common.

I started my period tonight. That explains a lot - why I've been emotional and sensitive the last 24 hours, also why I haven't lost any weight this week and why I'm craving Mexican.

Food for Body:
- fresh squeezed apple juice
- banana
- 100% pure, not from concentrate, orange juice
- raw falafel, salad: spring mix, leafy greens, carrots, celery, cucumber, radishes, tomato, red/yellow/green bell pepper, raisins, sunflower seeds, green olives, black olives, Annie's Goddess dressing
- decaf iced tea
- Outback Steakhouse: caffeinated iced tea, steamed veggies, baked potato with chives and A1 sauce, table salt, cracked pepper, side salad with cucumber, tomatoes, cracked pepper, honey mustard dressing
- raw falafel
- too many Sue's Chococlate Turtles
- decaf iced tea

Exercise: None

January 25, 2005, Tuesday (Day 25) Counseling and Corn Tortillas

Food for Thought:

Boni and I started couples counseling today with a psychologist in Fayetteville. Interesting how much I've missed therapy. I think it's going to be a great process, even if it is going to cost us an arm and a leg. I might need to get my own therapist for some of my own work too. Afterwards, we went to Ozark Natural Foods for some soup and while we were there, we picked up a few groceries. We went by Neighborhood Market on the way home and I got some Sunmaid raisins (since I ran out of the Sun Organic ones) and some of the corn tortillas Boni has turned me on to. She had made me a raw falafel taco made out of the raw falafel I gave her and a cooked corn tortilla with a little raw green onion dressing. It was so good I had to buy some for myself. Then we watched the last of American Idol and an episode of Desperate Housewives (why is that show so highly regarded?).

Food for Body:
- 8 oz squeezed apple juice
- 16 oz 100% pure, NOT from concentrate, orange juice
- Brioso Brazil: 1 trip to the salad bar: romaine, leafy greens, tomato, celery, cucumber, bell pepper, sweet gherkins, green olives, black olives, raisins, roasted/salted sunflower seeds and cashews, fat free blueberry poppyseed dressing, went back for more cashews and sunflower seeds; caffeinated iced tea
- 1/2 falafel patty wrapped in a warmed corn t