Raw Daily Journal

January 1, 2006

Sorry, didn't get this posted last night. I had TONS of emails. Guess my journaling again and asking others to update their pictures generated quite a few emails for me to respond to. It's good to be in contact with the outside world again.

OH and I didn't get my pictures up last night, working on getting tons of other people's pictures updated. I will do it today!!!

Anyway, so here's my food intake for Day 1 back on the Raw Wagon. I feel great with my choices and can't believe today wasn't as difficult as I imagined it would be. Don't get me wrong, I reminisced about the nachos I'd had the day before, but am more determined than ever to get this weight off and feel amazing, once and for all. I ate and ate and ate all day long and constantly felt hungry, but it's because my body was looking for carbs and crap to fill up instead of the healthy stuff. Can't wait til my body trusts that I'll give it all it needs nutritionally.

Food Intake:
- banana
- glass of iced tea (always will be unsweetened when I list it in my journal)
- orange
- handful of truly raw cashews
- few bites of Manna bread (not technically raw, just sprouted grain bread baked at low temperatures)
- banana
- glass of iced tea
- huge salad: romaine, red leaf lettuce, radishes, celery, grape tomatoes, red bell pepper, sunflower seeds, raisins, black olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- glass of iced tea
- pink lady apple
- large handful raw in-shell almonds
- orange
- few bites of Manna bread
- steamed frozen veggies (carrots, corn, peas, green beans) with new potatoes, sea salt, pepper
- glass of iced tea
- large handful red globe grapes (hate those damn seeds though!)

Exercise: 2+ mile walk/hike with the pups up on Mount Sequoyah

Weight: 266.5 pounds

January 2, 2006

Well I didn't get my pictures taken today. It's really a bummer, cause I'd really like to be able to see exactly where I was before I started eating healthy again and working out. Oh well, tomorrow's another day.

I was depressed pretty much most of the day today, so I didn't "accomplish" much. I still managed to eat healthy AND I just got back from the gym, so that's what matters right now. I just need to take care of myself and not expect too much else. Detoxing means I'm sad, low energy, and can't get enough to drink. Granted most of what I'm drinking is iced tea, but I'm constantly drinking. I'm not much of a water drinker, and once I get enough fruit going in my body each day, I won't need water anyway.

There was a point today where I was just starving, it was actually this evening before dinner. I got the frozen seasoned veggies out of the freezer, the ones I had brought over from Boni's house when I moved. I added new potatoes to the steamer with the veggies and had an absolutely delicious, satisfying meal. Anne Marie, my roommate, commented that my veggies smelled better than the pizza they had just had. She may have just been being nice, but it made me feel good regardless. I am glad I was downstairs when their pizza arrived and they ate it, cause I think it would have been painful to watch them eating the junk food I "gave up."

After dinner tonight, I juiced 3 pounds of golden delicious apples and then about 4 pounds of carrots. I figure I need to start drinking some of those fruits/veggies or they're going to go bad. Oh and I "should" (hate that damn word!) drink other drinks other than iced tea some of the time. The pulp of the apples will make a nice applesauce for me or for Evie, Anne Marie's 13 month old daughter. And the pulp of the carrots will be perfect for raw chili or maybe even a carrot cake if I get ambitious. Or, it might go to waste, we'll see how I do this week.

I went to the gym late tonight, I guess so I could not have the pressure of beautiful bodies surrounding me. I fear that look of, "Oh, you're a fatty who made a New Year's Resolution and are going to come here a few times and then waste your membership by never coming back. Get off the treadmill and let us 'superbodies' use it." I digress. Anyway, I'm either 1.) seriously detoxing, 2.) am sore from my 2+ mile trek yesterday, or 3.) don't have the same stamina and energy I did have because I haven't been to the gym in more than a month. One of these things is definitely the case, because when I normally would walk a mile on the gym treadmill, I could do it in 16 minutes and my speed would stay at about 3.7 mph. Tonight, I walked a mile in 30 minutes and my speed never got above 2.0 mph. That's half the energy and stamina that I normally have. And on top of that, I FELT like I was going 3.7 mph, but when I'd look in the mirror, I'd see this fat chic sluggishly moving at barely a turtle's crawl.

So anyway, I made it through another day. I'm hopeful that I'll start seeing results fairly quickly, so I can keep my motivation up! And, cause I want to have a noticeable difference by the time I go back to work on the 10th. That's just vanity creeping up on me!

Food Intake:
- banana
- glass of iced tea
- orange
- too many raw cashews - probably nearly 2 cups
- huge salad: romaine, red leaf lettuce, grape tomatoes, radishes, celery, red bell pepper, sunflower seeds, raisins, green and black olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- glass of iced tea
- orange
- orange
- glass of iced tea
- big bowl of steamed seasoned frozen veggies with new potatoes
- glass of iced tea
- orange
- orange

Exercise: 1 mile walk on the treadmill (jogged less than 1/8 of a mile)

January 3, 2006

Yuck!! That's me up there! Blech! Ok, never again. That's what a gain of 35 pounds will do. I can't wait til January is over and I have a February (30 days back on the wagon) picture to post. The only angle I didn't get taken today was my back/butt shot. I thought I took it, but when I downloaded the pictures, that angle wasn't there. Interesting. Guess I really hate that angle. Oh well, I'll take it tomorrow and get it posted. Here's a link to my updated full-body shots.

So today was a very down day for me today. I was moody, angry, depressed, every yucky emotion I could feel came out of me today. I have so many things on my mind and on top of that, I'm fucking detoxing like a bitch. I'm wanting to eat shit food to numb the pain, I'm wanting to shop to stop the feelings, I'm wanting a drink, a cigarette, a joint. All of the things I've given up, I want them. I want to take every vice I've ever used and implement them all at once. So the pain will stop. (PS I'm talking emotional pain from the ending of my relationship - it's not all food-related)

Anyway, bottom line is I'm NOT using any vices to curb the pain, so life kinda sucks right now. Damn healthy foods aren't helping, other than the fact that I know my body is happier and is responding with weight loss (I cheated and weighed at the gym tonight, but won't post my weight until Sunday, when I weigh on this scale at home)...

I worked out tonight. Just did 21 minutes on the treadmill and then some stretching yoga exercises. I mentioned that last night I walked 30 minutes and barely made a mile, going 2.0 mph, which seemed so odd to me based on past experiences. Tonight I walked 1.25 miles in 21 minutes, and burned way more calories than I did last night. I hate that various treadmills produce various results. It makes me doubt my workouts.

So I craved Burger King's veggie burger, onion rings and a large coke with extra ice tonight after the gym. It was the only bad craving I had today. The rest of the day was spent thinking about huge salads. That's progress, for sure. I actually ate 4 salads today, wow. What a change from chips, salsa, queso, pizza, sodas, crackers, bread, chocolate, and whatever else I shoved in my pie-hole, which was slowly killing me.

That's my report for the day. Summary, emotionally I'm a wreck, physically I'm weak, tired and achey, nutritionally...I'm great. I guess all I can rely on right now is feeding my body what it needs, and let the universe handle the rest.

Food Intake:
- banana
- 1 c. cashews
- glass of iced tea
- orange
- small handful raw pecans
- McDonald's (finished up gift certificates) - 2 side salads: romaine, carrots, tomatoes - one with lowfat Italian dressing, one with pecans (in my car) and balsamic vinaigrette; large iced tea
- large piece of Manna bread with pecans
- large carrot/apple juice (freshly squeezed in my Champion Juicer)
- Subway Veggie Delite salad: iceberg, spinach, green bell peppers, pickles, black olives, tomatoes, cucumbers, red wine vinegarette; glass of water
- Arsaga's coffee shop - decaf earl grey hot tea with honey and soy milk
- large handful raw pecans and cashews
- 2 oranges
- huge salad: romaine, red leaf lettuce, radishes, celery, red bell pepper, sunflower seeds, raisins, black olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- glass of iced tea

Exercise: 20 minutes/1.25 miles on the treadmill, some stretching/yoga exercises

January 4, 2006

Could life suck any more? I don't think so. Personally my life has taken a huge nose-dive. Nutritionally, I'm doing great. Eating well and I know I'm losing weight. My clothes already feel less snug. Not in the mood to write tonight, but here's my food intake.

Food Intake:
- cup of pecans, cashews, brazil nuts
- glass of iced tea
- orange
- more mixed nuts
- steamed seasoned veggies with some raw tabouli (cracked bulgar wheat soaked in water with red/green bell peppers, celery, black olives, pepper, sea salt, cayenne pepper)
- glass of iced tea
- huge salad: romaine, red leaf lettuce, radishes, celery, grape tomatoes, red bell pepper, sunflower seeds, raisins, black olives, green olives, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- glass of iced tea
- orange
- some more mixed nuts
- 4 sweet gherkins
- orange
- glass of iced tea

Exercise: Hauling and stacking firewood with a wheelbarrow. No gym tonight. Could have used it, but was too emotionally drained.

January 5, 2006

Morning was tough, but then the rest of the day got better. I'm going to survive this. Sometimes it doesn't seem like it, but I'm a survivor. I always make it through some how, some way. Ok, have to feed myself a line of bull each day in order to keep waking up. But whatever, I woke up and made it through another day (partial line taken from "Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love).

Dinner with a friend after a business meeting this evening. Had Ruby Tuesday's - felt so empowered at my choices - no cheese, no crackers, no ranch, no sesame sticks, no loaded baked potato, nada. What an improvement!!!

(Ok I shouldn't have, but I needed a pick-me-up this morning, so I weighed. I'm stoked! I weigh 260 pounds. That's 6.5 pounds lost in 4 days, woohooooooooooo! Yes, life can feel like it's falling apart around me, but I still have control over my nutrition/health/body)

Here's a quote for all of us back on this journey:

"Man can only become what he is able to consciously imagine."
– Dane Rudhyar

Food Intake:
- nothing until 1:30 pm (just not hungry, but forced a juice and a banana into me to avoid my body going into "starvation mode" and starting to store fat - especially given that I'm actually losing weight now!)
- glass of carrot/apple juice
- banana
- Chick-fil-A: iced tea
- Ruby Tuesday's: many glasses of iced tea, 1/2 plain baked potato with salt/pepa, 2 trips to the salad bar: romaine, mixed greens, shredded carrots, peas, cucumber, bell pepper, dried cranberries, raisins, green olives, black olives, sunflower seeds, balsamic vinegarette (ick) - other trip was the same but with honey mustard dressing
- orange

Exercise: 35 minutes on the treadmill - 2 miles, burned more than 400 calories, yes!!! Some stretching/yoga/exercise ball exercises; Felt great!

Weight: 260 pounds

January 6, 2006

What a productive day!!! (And I didn't cry once!!! Huge accomplishment, am so grateful I'm working through this grief process in a healthy way.)

I woke up late after my first peaceful, solid night of sleep. I met a friend for lunch, one I hadn't seen in several weeks. We went to Razorback Pizza so I could get the salad bar. I didn't care that it's iceberg lettuce. For some reason a pizza place salad bar makes me really happy. Strange, huh? I wasn't tempted by the food, but when she got her small thin-crust pepperoni pizza, I have to say it looked damn good. I was fine with my salad, but I did steal a few smells to imagine what it tasted like. I avoided the crackers, shredded cheese and ranch dressing, which would have normally been my biggest splurges. I brought my own Annie's Goddess Dressing with me in case there wasn't anything reasonable to put on my salad. None of the Kraft crap looked appealing, so I was grateful to have the dressing, even if my friend probably thought I was a freak.

So, I'm not really hungry for anything in particular the last two days, but my stomach is growling and I can tell I am hungry. Didn't eat throughout the day like I normally have been. Need to be more consistent about feeding myself something every 1-2 hours. Seems to help with weight loss too. I believe in the "starvation mode" where our bodies don't get enough food so it goes into starvation mode and starts storing fat cause it doesn't think we're going to give it enough food. So, the last thing I want to do is STOP eating as much. Jeez, which problem is more difficult for me to have? When I'm grieving a loss, my appetite lessens. (That's the ONLY time though.)

I'm going to send an email to all of the people who have been on my Journaling waiting list, but wanted to also post a note here. On the From SAD to RAW Yahoo! Group, there's a place for people to post their own journals. Here's a link in case you want to join the rest of us on this journey, by documenting our food intakes, exercise, feelings about and experiences with this journey or other raw-related journal topics.

Also, this Sunday, at 6:00 pm CST, we're going to have a Chat on the same From SAD to RAW Yahoo! Group. Feel free to join us. We're gonna talk about whatever we want regarding our raw journies, and offer each other support as most of us have just started over less than a week ago. Here's a link to the Chat. And actually, if people wanted, you could go chat any time you want at that link. You don't HAVE to have a scheduled time. Maybe if some of the journalers popped in there from time to time, people would be there chatting, and we'd end up having a constant place to meet up anytime someone was needing some support or encouragement.

PS I'm excited about weigh-day on Sunday!!! I'm hoping for 10 pounds, but will be happy with anything above 6.5

PPS I just saw a link to The Biggest Loser diet profile. So I clicked on it for fun (cause I remember they were using Jello and Weight Control oatmeal as "healthy" foods to eat to lose weight and I thought that was just a huge hilarious joke!)...Here's what it said after I put in my information.

Healthy weight range - 125.3-168.6 pounds (My goal is 170 and always has been)
Daily Caloric Intake should be 1,820 calories
It says my BMI is 38.4 (listed as obese) and my ideal is 24

Interesting, I say, as I shrug my shoulders. I'm just grateful that I can lose all the weight I want without giving a hell about daily caloric intake.

Food Intake:
- nothing until 1:00 pm
- leftover iced tea from last night Ruby Tuesday's
- went to Razorback Pizza with a friend: 2 trips to the salad bar - small bowls of shredded iceberg lettuce with tomatoes, carrot sticks, cucumbers, sunflower seeds, and Annie's Goddess Dressing, iced tea
- banana
- orange
- more of the leftover iced tea
- salad: red leaf lettuce, celery, grape tomatoes, green bell pepper, sunflower seeds, raisins, black olives, green olives, 2 sweet gherkins, 2 baby dill pickles, Annie's Goddess Dressing and some Kraft Spicy Italian dressing to thin out the Annie's (I ate most of it, but then my roommate ate some of it too, while I picked at the remaining olives and pickles
- glass of iced tea
- glass of iced tea

Exercise: None, other than helping a friend rearrange her bedroom; , gym closed at 8 pm and I was getting ready to go at 7:30, so I just said forget it for tonight. Tomorrow morning for sure!

January 7, 2006

"The moment of enlightenment is when a person's dreams of possibilities become images of probabilities."
– Vic Braden

That's where I'm almost at right now. I've been so depressed for what seems like forever, that when I start living a productive, healthy life again, even for a moment, it seems awkward and a bit scary. I'm working through the letting go and moving on process from my relationship and creating new and healthy situations for myself. It's scary to be healthy. I'm not comfortable with it at all yet. Working on it though. The Serenity Prayer is pretty much burned on to the back of my eyelids from whispering it to myself over and over and over again. What the hell would I do without that "letting go" mantra?

I'm still not doing great at constantly eating throughout the day, which often results in being starving by the time I make time to eat something. I must be better about this!

Tomorrow is a full day for me. Going to go the gym to work out, make Raw Chili, take the pups for a walk, bathe and trim the pups when we return, have the online From SAD to RAW Yahoo! Group chat at 6:00 pm, and watch the season premier of The L Word on Showtime. Only two days left of vacation. I go back to work on Tuesday morning. Ick, I've gotten VERY used to this time off, staying up late, sleeping in and doing whatever I want. I guess the routine will be good for me though.

Ok, going to crash. It's almost 1 am and this will be the earliest I've gone to bed this week.

PS Tomorrow is my weekly weigh-in. Will post results tomorrow night. I'm praying for a 10 pound total week weight loss, but will work on being happy with whatever the number is. I know my tummy has gone down, clothes are fitting more loose and my double chin is starting to diminish, so that should be enough for me.

Food Intake:
- 1 c. cashews, pecans, brazil nuts
- glass of iced tea
- 3/4 glass of carrot/apple juice
- Schlotszky's: garden salad of romaine, mixed greens, iceberg, grape tomatoes, cucumbers, black olives, a bite of a pepperonci pepper (ick, no thanks), light ranch and light italian dressings mixed; bowl of vegetarian vegetable soup, iced tea
- glass of carrot/apple juice (I tend to like more apple than carrot)
- 2 more bowls of Schlotsky's vegetable soup (had gift card, bought three bowls to take with me), added some of the raw tabouli to the soup (since I didn't really like how the tabouli turned out, this helped get it gone!)
- glass of iced tea
- 5 clementines (yum! first time having them, bought a small crate of them at Wal-Mart today)
- glass of iced tea

Exercise: 31 minutes on the treadmill - 2 miles, burned 422 calories, yes, made even better time today than the other night!!!! Some stretching/yoga/exercise ball exercises; Feels so good to be working out again! I sweated like a pig and loved every minute of it. The guy jogging next to me was jogging at the exact same pace I was walking, I was REALLY power walking today!

January 8, 2006

Today was weigh-day. I almost hit 10 pounds this week!!!! I weigh 257, total loss this week of 9.5 pounds. It really made me happy to see the hard work I've been doing pay off in this way. I'm hopeful I will keep being rewarded from healthy eating and exercise with another nice weight loss next week. I feel more confident today in my food choices. I feel back to my old self again. So grateful to the universe for being there for me and helping me when I've felt weak.

I had a great workout today. For the first time, I really pushed myself. I walked hard, walked angry. I worked out some of my anger through walking is what I mean. When I'd think of something that upset me, I'd up the speed, walk harder, tighten my muscles, feel the intensity. I had to kick myself at the end to make 2 miles in 30 minutes. I even jogged some of the time. Felt really good.

We had a chat on the From SAD to RAW Yahoo! Group tonight. Only 5 of us were there, but it was nice. We're going to start having them each Sunday at 6:00 pm CST. People who can show up will, no obligation to any of us to be there. But it will be a good support system to have in place each week for anyone who needs it. Here's a link to the chatroom.

I go back to work on Tuesday. Tomorrow's my last day of vacation. It's very strange to think about going back to work after being off 18 days. Feels like I'm starting a new job or something. I have a feeling my life will be changing quite a bit in the coming months, even more than just my food intake and exercise. I'm scared of change, but know that the universe is taking care of me, even when I'm so desperate to try to control everything all by myself.

I just did a check on statistics for this website. Thought it was fascinating and wonderful to see these high numbers since 2004, when I first opened this site....131,470 unique visitors and 5,839,477 total webpage hits. Wow, that's incredible! And I can tell 2006 is going to be the year of healthy living, because so far just in the first 8 days of January, there have been 1,944 unique visitors. That's a lot of new people coming to the raw food lifestyle.

Below is a list of a few books I'm trying to move through in my raw inventory. I've been trying to clear things out so I can order new items in 2006. These are all NEW, not used. I accept paypal, there's no tax if you are out of Arkansas. You just pay actual shipping charges.

Book: Introducing Living Foods to Your Child: Guidebook for Babies through Two Years
Author: Beth Montgomery
Price: $3 (Nature's First Law sells these for $5.95 each)
Quantity Available: 1

Book: Conscious Eating
Author: Gabriel Cousens M.D.
Price: $20 (Nature's First Law sells these for $35 each)
Quantity Available: 1

Book: Naked Chocolate
Author: David Wolfe and Shazzie
Price: $15 (Nature's First Law sells these for $24.95)
Quantity Available: 1

Food Intake:
- 2 clementines
- small handful pecans
- glass of iced tea
- banana
- bowl of Schlotszky's vegetarian vegetable soup with the rest of the tabouli
- 3 more clementines
- 3 more clementines (I'm obsessed)
- glass of iced tea
- small bowl of Raw Chili
- small bowl of steamed frozen veggies (carrots, corn, peas, okra, tomatoes, squash) and fresh new potatoes
- glass of iced tea
- 4 more clementines (I can not stop myself)
- banana
- 2 more clementines (that has to be it for the evening, don't want to overdose on them and then get sick of em)

Exercise: 30 minutes on the treadmill - 2 miles, burned 435 calories, again - made even better time today than the other night!!!! I was so tired and red-faced and sweating that I called it a day

Weight: 257 (9.5 pounds weight loss this week)

January 9, 2006

Met with a friend for a walk and dinner at Outback Steakhouse. It was a really great way to end my vacation. I go back to work tomorrow. Should be interesting. Still have quite a bit to do before I go to bed early tonight. Hope everyone else is doing well. I feel really good about how I'm eating and exercising, and doing in general with my "moving on" process. Interesting that it just started raining here tonight after months without a drop. Part of my cleansing process? Emotional and nutritional...

Food Intake:
- glass of orange juice (commercial, not from concentrate)
- 1/2 large bowl of reheated (stove) steamed frozen veggies, 1/2 large bowl raw chili
- glass of iced tea
- Outback Steakhouse: 2 salads: iceberg/romaine, cucumbers, tomatoes, honey mustard dressing; side of steamed mixed veggies; iced tea
- 3 clementines
- glass of iced tea

Exercise: 1.8 mile walk at Wilson Park with a friend

January 10, 2006

Easier than I thought. Work that is. I was super busy, that helped tons. Thank gosh for getting behind. Lots to make up fast. I did have a stomach ache this morning. I think I'm PMSing. I'm in a bitchy, moody mood and with the stomach ache, I'm thinkin' it was cramps. Also, I feel fat and bloated today, though I can't have gained weight, cause I'm eating great and working out.

I did have some cravings today. Nothing I couldn't deal with (who the hell is saying that? not the girl who couldn't pass up one roll last month, that's for sure!). Anyway, I happily asked for no cheese on my salad at lunch and didn't even have one cracker. Interesting that I only used 2 1/2 of the dressing containers, whereas I usually use 4, sometimes 5! I guess not having those crackers to dry up and soak up the dressing with, means I need less dressing.

I smelled something delicious my roommate made her family tonight and had to take my ass back downstairs to not crave whatever it was. Weird how I can want something I don't even know what it is.

I really could just crash tonight, but I'm about to walk out the door to the gym. Gotta get some walking in, whether it's snowing outside or not! (Just got back, I sweated like crazy, but barely made a mile in 33 minutes and according to the stupid treadmill I was on, I only burned 200 calories. I can't wait til this gym gets new equipment, I'm sick of not knowing what's accurate.)

Food Intake:
- glass of orange juice (commercial, not from concentrate)
- glass of iced tea (bought a gallon of Chick-fil-A unsweetened tea on my way to work)
- banana, 1 c. pecans (reminded me of banana nut bread, yum!)
- 3 clementines (I only have 1 left!!! gotta buy more)
- The Station Cafe: good sized-salad: romaine, green bell pepper, tomatoes, radishes, mushrooms, pickles, black olives, honey mustard dijon dressing, iced tea
- salad: three-leaf lettuce (bagged), celery, grape tomatoes, red/yellow sweet pepper, walnuts, raisins, black olives, green olives, carrots, radishes, Annie's Goddess Dressing
- glass of iced tea

Exercise: 2 miles (1 1/2 miles at 2 on the incline, 1/2 mile on no incline) at 33 minutes, pace was between 3.6 and 3.9 mph today, no stretching - the gym was too crowded and I needed to get home to the pups, as they had been in their crate all day

January 11, 2006

I had a very very very productive day on many levels. Work went fast because I had lots to do and ended up getting quite a bit done; after work, I immediately took the pups for a walk, cause they desparately need Mommy time; then I got some jewelry created that was looooong-overdue; ate a delicious dinner; and ran out the door to the gym. Tuesdays-Thursdays are going to be hellish, trying to work, get personal things done AND have a life. Can't complain, really, it's only part-time. How in the hell did I used to do this Monday-Friday?

Ok, off to bed, back's hurting from killing myself on the treadmill.

PS I WAS PMSing yesterday. Started my period today. If I lost 10 pounds AND I was bloated, I can not WAIT to weigh in after I'm done. I'm sure my weight loss will be even more!

Food Intake:
- large glass of orange juice (commercial, not from concentrate)
- 1 clementine
- glass of iced tea
- banana
- orange (ick, sooooo not the same as a clementine)
- The Station Cafe: good sized-salad: romaine, green bell pepper, tomatoes, radishes, mushrooms, pickles, black olives, honey mustard dijon dressing, iced tea (ick, the chef put red onion on it today and I spent 10 minutes picking off every nasty bit of it, onion on salad is just wrong!)
- yummy pre-dinner dessert: cut-up banana with walnuts, raisins, honey
- glass of iced tea
- bowl of steamed frozen veggies, walnuts, new potato, yukon gold potato and some Annie's Goddess Dressing (absolute heaven)
- glass of iced tea

Exercise: Walk with the dogs, probably a mile or so; 2 mile walk at the gym (mostly at 4.0 mph, some jogging at 4.9 mph), 31 minutes total on the treadmill

January 12, 2006

Good day today. Started out with a headache, but got it under control quickly this morning. Had lunch with a friend, got a lot done at work, took the pups for another nice walk after work, cleaned and organized my bedroom and office (having company this weekend and it needed cleaning anyway), had a delicious, healthy dinner, did some laundry and then went to the gym late tonight. Kicked butt again on the treadmill and actually didn't mind seeing myself in the mirror as I walked to the water fountain. I can really tell a difference in my body already. So proud of the work I've been doing. I can not wait until Sunday morning for my weekly weigh-in.

PS It's not always as easy as it's seeming in my journal these days. I do have moments where I wanna go get a Chick-fil-A biscuit and hashbrowns or a Burger King veggie burger and onion rings or Acambaro's chips, salsa, queso and tortillas. But I'm just not willing to throw away all I'm accomplishing. And I'm not willing to kick my ass at the gym, just to barely break even in calories and fat for a 3 minute fast food fix.

Food Intake:
- glass of iced tea
- banana with 3/4 c. pecans
- Ruby Tuesdays: 2 trips to the salad bar: romaine, mixed greens, shredded carrots, peas, green bell peppers, black olives, dried cranberries, raisins, pickles, sunflower seeds, honey mustard dressing (first trip), italian (second trip); lots of iced tea
- bowl of banana with almonds, raisins and honey
- glass of iced tea
- bowl of steamed frozen veggies with walnuts and some added honey for sweetness
- glass of iced tea
- can of sliced peaches (in real fruit juice from concentrate)
- sips of iced tea from earlier glass
- 15 or so pecans
- 3 clementines (dang, this batch had seeds and wasn't as sweet as the other crate)

Exercise: walk with the pups around the neighborhood, 2 mile walk (bit of jogging too) on the treadmill at 3.7-4.0 mph on a varied incline (from 1-4), burned 450 calories in about 33 minutes, 15 weight-ball-crunches with Vicki

January 13, 2006

Everything's fine here. Not feeling quite as "thin" as I was yesterday, but I know after my period ends, I'll have a boost of confidence in the body image area.

Went to lunch with a friend at Olive Garden today. She got chicken with roasted potatoes and grilled vegetables. She doesn't eat veggies much, so I took a bite of her squash. It was absolutely disgusting. It tasted like fish guts! Yuck! She said the potatoes tasted like it too.

I was sluggish on the treadmill tonight. Very difficult to keep my speed up, and I couldn't keep the incline up today, but I somehow managed to make the 2 miles at a nice speed and within 32 minutes.

When I came home tonight, my roommates were digging into a Eureka Pizza pizza; what looked like a veggie supreme. That was my first serious craving. I smelled that delicious pepper/onion/mushroom/olive/cheese/bread smell and had to nearly run out of the room. It smelled unbelievable. Remember, pizza is one of my serious crap-cooked-cravings. Grabbed some clementines and headed downstairs to get away from the smell. Shit it's no wonder America eats shit, it smells so damn good!

Food Intake:
- Olive Garden: 2 bowls of salad: iceberg, tomatoes, black olives, italian dressing; 3 bowls of the vegan minestrone soup broth (don't eat the beans or pasta shells); bite of squash; iced tea
- Ruby Tuesday's iced tea (medium, they're discontinuing the large cups - idiots!)
- large handful of roasted/salted mixed nuts - pecans, almonds, cashews and some peanuts
- 3 clementines
- Atlanta Bread Company: romaine salad with tomatoes, carrots, walnuts, honey mustard dressing; iced tea
- 3 clementines
- iced tea

Exercise: walk with the pups around the neighborhood, 2 mile walk on the treadmill at 3.6-3.9 mph, burned 425 calories in 32 minutes, stretching and some crunches and ab holding exercises

January 14, 2006

Did some shopping today for household and personal care items. Went to a lady's house to pick up 2 table lamps she was giving away. Went searching for lamp shades for them, but never could find any that weren't $15-20 each! Garage sales will have to be my source this spring.

Took the dogs for a walk at Wilson Park. I'm so digging that park and plan to go there more often. Then went to see "Memoirs of a Geisha" with a friend and then dinner at Fire Mountain. Fire Mountain is basically a glorified Ryan's Buffet. I really wanted veggies with salad, but wasn't wanting the grilled squash/zucchini they offered off the grill. I got two plates of yummy carrots, corn and green beans, but regretted the second plate as I started feeling queezy, nauseous and kind of drunk. I'm sure whatever they soak the hell out of those veggies with - butter, grease, whatever, sent my now healthy stomach into turmoil. Don't need to go there again. I'm supposed to be meeting a friend there on Monday for lunch, but I'm going to suggest Outback or somewhere else instead.

PS Tomorrow is weigh-day and I'm so mad at myself for eating that crap tonight, as I'm sure it will impact my weight even more than my period already will.

Food Intake:
- large glass of apple juice (squeezed last week)
- iced tea
- 1 3/4 bananas, pecans, raisins, honey (not as good as normal, too sweet or something)
- 3 clementines
- iced tea
- packet of Planters Fruit and Nut Mix (peanuts, raisins, banana chips, cashews, dried pineapple, cranberries and papaya)
- Fire Mountain: 2 plates cooked veggies, soaked in whatever they soak them in! (corn, carrots, green beans), plate of salad: pre-mixed caesar salad, pre-mixed vinaigrette salad, 2 pickle spears, green bell pepper, shredded carrots, shredded iceberg lettuce, italian dressing, roasted peanuts, small plate of roasted peanuts and jellied cranberry sauce, iced tea
- 4 clementines

Exercise: .75 mile walk with the pups at Wilson Park

January 15, 2006

Didn't sleep well last night. Woke up late and felt very mopey and depressed. Went for a walk later this afternoon, but that little amount of exercise (slow pace and lots of stopping with the dogs) wasn't enough, so I went to the gym an hour before they closed. I felt so much better after my treadmill walk. I have mixed feelings about working through my depression with exercise. It's good to exercise, but sometimes I think I want to avoid feeling my feelings. And since I'm not using any vices to cope with grief, I worry I use exercise as a type of a vice. I'm not going to worry too much, but I'm just taking note so I can be aware of it.

Oh, I weighed this morning. 258. One pound weight gain. For once, I'm not upset, because I know most of it is water weight due to my period AND I've been working out almost every day and muscle weighs more than fat. I look forward to NEXT week when I'm sure the number will go down significantly.

I tried to find something I could eat in the fridge tonight, but decided nothing sounded good home made, so I went out. Went to Outback, which is where I was wanting to go earlier. Afterwards, I went to Wal-Mart to get some groceries. I stayed in the produce section, and made it out under $20, which is so rare there. I got a mango, some kiwi, bananas, pecans, walnuts, red and yellow onion, and a cucumber.

My depression lifted tonight, and I'm feeling a bit better. Man am I tired of that grief hanging on. I will defeat you, so why not just go away on your own, little fucker!

Food Intake:
- 2 bananas with almonds and raisins (no honey today)
- glass of iced tea
- bowl of re-steamed frozen veggies, walnuts, new potato, and some honey (kinda bored with steamed veggies, need to work on being more creative with my home meals)
- 5 clementines
- Outback Steakhouse: huge house salad: iceberg/romaine, roma tomatoes, cucumbers, honey mustard dressing, side of steamed veggies, iced tea
- few pecans as I was putting them away from grocery shopping

Exercise: 1 mile walk at Wilson Park with the pups; 2 mile walk on the treadmill at the gym, 3.7 mph, 33 minutes, 425 calories

Weight: 258 pounds

January 16, 2006

Hung out with a friend today. We went to lunch at Golden Corral, because Outback was closed for lunch. It was actually pretty good, better than Fire Mountain. After I dropped her off, I went to the gym. I did my regular 2 miles and a few other gym things, but then realized that I wasn't "done" working out. I needed more, so I got back on the treadmill for another mile. I was glad I did that, as I finally exhausted myself after that and actually felt like I'd gotten a workout. Maybe the 2 miles isn't going to be enough anymore. Maybe I'm advancing in my exercise routine. That would be cool. Then again, that would mean I'd have to spend even more time working out, which isn't really something I want to do. I want it to be a part of my day or evening, not my entire day/evening. Hmmm, maybe instead I just need to increase the intensity, the speed I walk or the incline I walk on.

Here are some neat quotes from my inbox.

"Action is the antidote to despair."
– Joan Baez

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be."
– Groucho Marx

"The art of living lies less in eliminating our troubles than in growing with them."
– Bernard Baruch

Food Intake:
- Golden Corral: 2 plates of salad: premixed caesar salad, iceberg, honey mustard dressing, black olives, sunflower seeds, tomatoes, carrots, marinated mushrooms with green bell pepper, 3 bean salad; 2 plates of cooked food: 1/2 plain baked potato, 1/2 baked sweet potato, corn, carrots, green beans; iced tea
- 4 clementines
- iced tea
- fruit salad: 2 kiwis, 1 banana, 1 clementine, 1 mango, raisins, pecans
- iced tea

Exercise: 2 miles on the treadmill at 3.8-3.9 mph, 425 calories in 32 minutes; 30 reps on the ab crunch machine, 5 minutes in the dry sauna, another mile on the treadmill at 3.5-3.7 mph in 15 minutes

January 17, 2006

"Just a day, just a day, just an ordinary day." - Avril Lavigne

Nothing to report. Got my hair cut. Ate fine. Didn't exercise - too pooped and poopy to go. Stayed in with the pups.

Food Intake:
- some apple juice (didn't measure, just swigged out of the jar)
- banana with 1 c. pecans
- Station Cafe: large salad: romaine, green bell pepper, tomatoes, radishes, mushrooms, black olives, pickles, cucumbers, honey mustard dressing, iced tea
- taste test of some raw chocolate candy I made
- bowl of steamed frozen veggies with some sea salt, pepper and a bit of honey
- iced tea
- several handfuls of cashews and pecans throughout the evening

Exercise: none today

January 18, 2006

Some days I just wanna say fuck it and eat something shitty. Today was one of those days. I woke up a bit late and didn't have time to get myself a snack for breakfast. I went through Chick-fil-A to get an iced tea, and I so could have ordered a couple of biscuits, some hashbrowns and my favorite Polynesian sauce. I didn't, but dammit I wanted to.

I think I'm pissed off because I'm working out, eating great, and still feel like a fricken fat cow. I want to be thin right now, this second. I don't wanna wait. I don't care that I've already lost 10+ pounds. I want to be back to 231 pounds. I want to fit into my "little" clothes. I want to feel good about my body, feel beautiful and healthy and fit, and attractive. And I want it all now.

Ah patience is a virtue.

Food Intake:
- "large" (not really large) mixed fruit cup and large iced tea from Chick-fil-A
- banana and 1 c mixed pecans and cashews
- Brioso Brazil: 2 trips to the salad bar - 2 plates of romaine, celery, carrots, tomato slice, red/yellow bell pepper, sweet gherkins, 1 marinated mushroom (icky), black olives, green olives, raisins, roasted/salted sunflower seeds and cashews, blueberry poppyseed dressing on the first plate, creamy caesar dressing on the second plate; iced tea
- 3 cranberry flax crackers from Chef Jeff
- 1 raw chocolate candy ball
- large salad: romaine, grape tomatoes, radishes, carrots, celery, yellow and red sweet peppers, cucumber, green olives, black olives, walnuts, raisins, Annie's Goddess Dressing with some Kraft Spicy Italian dressing, some "raw chili" flax crackers
- iced tea
- iced tea

Exercise: 30 minute walk with the pups around the neighborhood, 2 mile walk on the treadmill - incline at 1, 3.8-3.9 mph (with a bit of jogging at 4.8 mph), 30 reps on the abs machine at 65 pounds

January 19, 2006

I was starving for shit food again today, but enjoyed my salad at the Station Cafe for lunch, then had a fantastic dinner at Outback. I wanted to stop 10 times on the way there to various restaurants like Acambaro, Tim's Pizza, Wendy's, Taco Bell, Burger King, Fuddruckers, even Golden Corral (thinking about mashed potatoes and such). But I kept driving and landed at Outback. I loved my meal, and guess what? I was able to tell the waiter to take away the bread, after he brought it and I stared at it for a minute nearly caving to the temptation.

After walking off some of the dinner at Wal-Mart (I rewarded my week of hard work with 2 pair of new earrings and a few new hair accessories), I headed to the gym. I kicked ass and felt like a million bucks after my workout. I've been weighing at the gym each evening after my workout, and the last 4 days I haven't lost any weight. I'm so curious to see what this Sunday's weigh-in will be. I want to meet or beat my January 2004 weight loss of 19 pounds in one month. That January was my first month on raw ever and I wasn't exercising NEARLY like I am now. I may not get THAT kind of results, since I had way more weight to lose at that time, than I do now, but still, I can dream.

Interesting note - after my shower at the gym, I actually was able to look at my body in the mirror as I headed to the dressing room and NOT be sick. And the towel that I use every night after the shower is actually nearing to close. Nearer, but not there. You know what I mean? If you're really overweight like me, most towels don't even cover half of your body. It's getting closer every day now, though one boob and half of my saddle bags still don't seem to want to stay hidden. I can't WAIT til I can actually tuck the towel in!

PS Here's my horoscope for tomorrow - it just came in my email inbox. Very interesting given what I just wrote.

Take the time to assess your progress. Don't be so set on moving forward that you don't take full advantage of what is around you.

And here's a great quote for what I was talking about yesterday. The fear of using exercise to get through a difficult time. Looks like some Lady Bird thinks it's ok what I'm doing.

"Become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid."
– Lady Bird Johnson

Food Intake:
- Chick-fil-A iced tea
- 3 oz roasted/salted cashews; 3 oz roasted/salted mixed nuts
- Station Cafe: large salad: romaine, green bell pepper, tomatoes, radishes, mushrooms, black olives, pickles, cucumbers, honey mustard dressing, iced tea
- Outback Steakhouse: plain baked potato with chives, steamed veggies, salad with cucumber and roma tomatoes, honey mustard dipped on the potato, veggies and salad; iced tea
- iced tea
- 1 tangelo, 1 nectarine
- handful of pecans/almonds

Exercise: .75 mile walk with the pups at Wilson Park, 5 minutes on the elliptical machine (holy shit that is seriously hard! no wonder I haven't tried that before), 2 mile walk on the treadmill on no incline in 27 minutes! (jogged a little less than half of it), 4 sets of 15 reps on the abs machine at 65 pounds, several sets of middle and side crunches with the weight ball, stretching, 5 minutes in the dry sauna, relax then another 5 minutes in the dry sauna

January 20, 2006

I had a massage today and then went for a walk with my massage therapist at Wilson Park. Had a great time, enjoyed talking and having tea and a much-needed massage.

I didn't eat anything before I went for the massage, so I was starving after the massage, and even more so after we went for a walk. My Mom sent me two $20 gift cards to Fuddrucker's, which is a deadly dangerous place for me, even as a vegetarian. Those fries and onion rings, that cheese sauce and honey mustard. Well, I had heard they have veggie burgers, and knew I could order without the bread so I went there for dinner.

When I ordered, I said no bread please. The manager came over and asked if I wanted the low carb option. I asked what that meant and he said no bread, and they give you a tossed salad. So I ordered that, minus the cheese. It ended up being $9, and when I saw the patty, it looked like a little disc on a big plate, but it was delicious!! Spicy and very flavorful. Thin but hearty. I felt a tinge of guilt for eating a processed soy/veggie/tofu/whatever product, but I felt very proud of the choices I did make, given that I NEVER waste a gift card. It was interesting to watch the rest of the restaurant gorging on burgers and fries and milkshakes, cookies and cakes, cokes and such. One guy sitting across the room from me sat down with a burger the size of his head, no joke. He actually proudly showed his young daughter the monster-sized sandwich. (I admit that when I left, I felt very very full, a bit uncomfortable; guess with or without bread/cheese, processed cooked foods fill me up differently than steamed veggies and such. It may have also been the abundance of honey mustard dressing I enjoyed on the meal.)

I didn't go to the gym tonight. To be honest, I was so hungry after our walk, and knew the gym closed at 8 pm on Fridays, so I chose dinner and Best Buy, over working out. My brother had sent me a Best Buy gift card, so I went and bought a DVD tower for my bedroom/office.

Food Intake:
- nectarine
- 2/3 c. hot black tea with honey
- 2 half pieces of celery
- Fuddruckers: iced tea; garden patty with lettuce, tomatoes, pickles and honey mustard, tossed salad with honey mustard

Exercise: 1.9 mile walk with a friend at Wilson Park

January 21, 2006

Was up late last night, so I woke up super late today. After that meal at Fuddrucker's last night, I woke up wanting it again. I had it for lunch AND then again for dinner. Seriously, have one more meal there, then my gift card will be gone. No excuse, it's still my decision to eat there, but I won't have an excuse to eat there after it's gone.

Went to Unity Church tonight to their monthly Spiritual Cinema movie. They were showing "The Blue Butterfly" with William Hurt, and I'm really glad I went. I sat with a friend and really enjoyed the movie (true story about a 10 year old boy with a brain tumor and 3 months to live whose only wish is to go to the rainforest with a well-known entomologist to catch a rare blue butterfly - I won't tell you any more in case you plan to go see it).

I'm having a difficult weekend, but keep looking toward the light at the end of this process. It's been almost two months now since my relationship broke up, and I keep thinking something in the third month will give me the reward I've been searching for, especially given the miraculously healthy way I've been dealing with this process, even more so this time around. I normally don't ask people for help, as it's a pride thing, but I'd love to have your thoughts, prayers, reiki, whatever sent to me, as I try to live a healthy life right now, both physically and emotionally.

Tomorrow's my weekly weigh-in and since I didn't do a gym workout Friday or Saturday, AND I've eaten garden patties for three meals this weekend, I'm not especially hopeful that the numbers will be down, but I'm still staying positive.

Food Intake:
- nectarine
- Fuddrucker's: iced tea; garden patty, baked potato with chives, tossed salad, lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, honey mustard
- Planter's Fruit and Nut Mix; bottle of Ozarka water
- Fuddrucker's (yes, again!): iced tea; garden patty, tossed salad, lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, honey mustard

Exercise: None but cleaning, vacuuming and wiping out my car after I washed it at the car wash

January 22, 2006

A friend called today to ask if I wanted to go for a walk in the mall (it's raining and cold here), but I knew that not having been to the gym the last two days AND given the fact that the gym is only open until 6 pm on Sundays, I needed a "real" workout, so I declined and headed to the gym instead. Three of the treadmills were broken, which pisses me off immensely given that there are only 7 total treadmills in the whole gym and EVERYONE wants on the treadmills. These three treadmills have been broken for the last week and I'm sick of it. They keep saying they're going to be fixed, but hell! Come on it's a gym! The worst part is the other treadmills are BARELY workable. Two of them are the ones I refuse to go on because they are far from accurate. For no other reason than this, I wish I still lived in Bentonville. That gym is SO much better. They give you shower/sweat towels, they have cell phone/key compartment holders at the front, there are tons of TVs with headphone plug-in options on the machines, there are tons of machines, that actually work, they have soap in the showers, not to mention curtains on the showers, they have a swimming pool and steam rooms that AREN'T co-ed (how can they have a co-ed steam room IN the ladies' locker room???), and countless other things this Fayetteville gym does NOT have. They are supposed to be upgrading, but somehow I think that just means more room for more members, not necessarily better amenities for current members. Anyway, I've kept all of this pent up and needed to vent it, so I don't go ape-shit on the people behind the counter there.

After my workout, I went to Fuddrucker's for the last time (with my gift card). I knew before I went in that I didn't want to get a garden burger, but was hungrier than a baked potato and salad, so I ordered baked potato, salad and soup. I was glad they had a vegetarian one to choose from. It was all delicious, and I was actually full without adding lettuce, tomatoes and pickles from the topping bar. When I was done, I thought about the 71 cents left on the gift card. Only people who know me well would know that I can NOT keep gift cards. I have to use them up immediately and completely. So, when I went up to the drink bar to switch from Diet Pepsi to iced tea, I leisurely browsed the bakery bar. I asked the girl behind the counter if they have any sugar-free cookies or desserts. She looked at me insanely and said no. I looked longingly at the cookies and considered for a moment getting a coconut macaroon with chocolate drizzled on it. I realized how insane I was thinking and went back to my booth to finish my drink. I heard a family behind me and decided the best, healthiest thing I could do was to offer the 71 cents left on my gift card to their young daughter so she could enjoy a cookie and I could enjoy peace and health. They seemed pleased and I felt ecstatic with my action. It always feels so wonderful, when I choose the path that leads to happiness, instead of the one that leads to instant gratification but long-term suffering.

So I weighed today. I'm pleased to report my weight is now 252.5, a total loss of 14 pounds since January 1st, three weeks of healthy eating and exercise. Thank gosh my body is finally catching up. I need the encouragement.

You know me and quotes. Here are some I'm pondering right now.

"Your life becomes the thing you have decided it shall be."
– Raymond Charles Barker

"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge."
– Tuli Kupferberg

"It is well for the heart to be naive and the mind not to be."
– Anatole France

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
– Albert Einstein

"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."
– Sir Winston Churchill

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
– Helen Keller

"Facing it — always facing it — that's the way to get through. Face it!"
– Joseph Conrad

Food Intake:
- banana, pecans, raisins
- 2 nectarines
- Fuddruckers: 1 glass of Diet Pepsi (I know, I know), baked potato with chives, tossed salad, cup of tomato florentine soup, honey mustard on the baked potato and salad, glass of iced tea
- iced tea
- handful of pecans, walnuts, almonds and raisins
- banana with some raw pie crust dough
- 1 tangelo

Exercise: 2.5 mile walk on the treadmill in 45 minutes (first 2 miles at 3.8 mph, half mile at 3.3 mph), 45 crunches with two 5 pound weight balls on my stomach, 3 sets of 15 reps on arms with two 5 pound weight balls, stretching

Weight: 252.5 pounds

January 23, 2006

Had a good day today. Did some work around the house, then took the dogs to the park.

Went to Denny's for dinner (another gift certificate from Mom) and was pleased to see the "Fit-N-Fare" options. I ordered a boca burger, minus the bread and cheese, lettuce, tomato and pickle, minus the onion, with a side of fruit, plain baked potato instead of french fries, and an added house salad minus the cheese, croutons and red onion, and iced tea. I had honey mustard on everything and the meal was superb. I love to watch the waitress/waiter's expressions when 1.) I order this type of meal, and 2.) when they deliver it to my table. They seem appalled by the order, but then pleasantly surprised to see how yummy it ends up looking. This waitress brought the food to my table and asked, "How's this?" with a pleased look on her face, like she had had a chef create a masterpiece for me. It was wonderful and completely satisfying. I have $5 left in gift cards, so I probably won't use it for another meal, but rather "to-go" iced teas, which I frequently enjoy getting - and I like their tea!

Had a good workout tonight. Another treadmill was broken tonight, which meant there weren't any available machines when I first got there. I took a deep breath and got on the stairmaster. I'm a walker/jogger, not a stairmaster/elliptical machine girl, not yet anyway. I feel like such a weirdo on those machines. I feel like those machines are for the skinny, fit, muscular, athletic chicks, not me. Not yet anyway. But I like to start off with cardio, so I got on the machine. I set it for 20 minutes, figuring someone would be off a treadmill by then. I watched myself in the wall reflection and felt like such a slob, going so slow, compared to the fit-chicks around me. Even the guy next to me, who was also overweight, was going faster than I was. It just doesn't feel natural to me like walking, or even jogging does. I was grateful that the universe understood me, and the machine suddenly cut off after 5 minutes. I looked back and saw one of the good treadmills was now free and I nearly tripped trying to move fast to get to it before someone else did. Those stair machines really seem like the devil to me.

I'm getting more and more comfortable taking my shower after my workout, and not being so overly concerned with my body showing, in the instance that someone walks in to the locker room. I can't wait til the day, when I just walk out of the shower buck naked, walk to the locker, and slowly get dressed, without regard to what someone might think of my body. Hehe, what a daredevil I dream to be.

Great quote today:

"Hope is not a dream, but a way of making dreams become reality."
– Cardinal Leon Joseph Suenens

Food Intake:
- homemade, raw apple-banana fruit leathers (1/2 teflex sheet throughout morning)
- handful pecans
- iced tea
- Denny's: iced tea, boca burger patty with lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, honey mustard, side salad of lettuce, tomatoes and cucumbers with honey mustard and pepper, plain baked potato with honey mustard and pepper, side of grapes
- banana with pecans and raisins
- homemade, raw apple-banana fruit leathers (1/2 teflex sheet throughout evening)
- iced tea

Exercise: .9 mile walk with the pups at Wilson Park; 5 minutes on the stairmaster, 2 mile walk on the treadmill at the gym in 32 minutes, 100 reps of ab crunches with 65 pounds (machine), 100 reps of various ab crunches (on the floor), 3 sets of 15 reps of arm lifts with two 5 pound weights, stretching

January 24, 2006

Had a very productive day at work today. Was able to truly focus and get a lot done. I felt good most of the day. I didn't enjoy my lunch and it might have been because I wasn't really hungry, but went out to pick up a salad anyway.

I took the dogs for a walk after work. My Tuesdays - Thursdays just feel like a blur. I get up early, rush out the door for my 45 minute commute to be to work by 8 am. Work til 4 pm, rush home to let the dogs out, then take them for a walk at the park before dark, run by the post office to check my PO Box, take the dogs home and head out for a quick dinner and a workout, all by 10 pm when I need to rush home to let the dogs out again, check emails, update everyone's journals, including mine and get to bed at a decent hour. It feels so frantic and rushed and just so not like my Friday-Mondays go. I may get a lot done during those three days, but it pisses me off that I don't get any rest or relaxation time. I need to figure out a better way to manage my time during those days. I have such guilt over the pups being all alone during the day, that their walk after work is just crucial, and I don't want them to have to go to bed as soon as I get home from the gym at night. Oh well, I'm rambling now.

I went to Denny's for dinner with the last $5 gift certificate. I got the exact same thing as last night, as it was really really good. The waitress remembered me and said, "same thing?" I said yep, and I heard her telling the chef all the details of what I did want and did not want for my meal. I seem to do that at most restaurants I frequent. Outback knows my salad and veggies, no bread. Station Cafe knows my salad no red onion, no cheese. Ruby Tuesday's knows my large unsweet tea no lemon extra ice (though they've stopped using large cups, so I've stopped going there). Fuddrucker's knew my garden patty with side salad no cheese. Denny's already knows my boca no bread or cheese, salad no croutons no cheese. Can you see a trend here? I love to go out to dinner. And I like the same things over and over. I'm such a predictable person.

I had a difficult night tonight, so I kicked my ass at the gym to try to work through it. I felt really good, and this girl who had been doing her own ass-kicking on the elliptical machine, walked by me after her workout and commented that she couldn't run that fast. I laughed and said I don't do it the whole time. I think the guy next to me running about 8 mph was probably looking at her like she was insane, considering my running at 5.4 mph is pretty much a jog. Oh well, it was nice to hear a compliment, especially given that I was longingly watching her, wishing I had the stamina to do that machine for even a quarter of the time and speed in which she was doing it. Isn't it funny how we all have perceptions of others, and at the same time they have perceptions of us - and most are probably not even close to being accurate of how we're really thinking or feeling.

Food Intake:
- 1 c. mixed dried fruit and raw nuts
- iced tea
- Station Cafe: picked through large salad: lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, black olives, radishes, tomatoes, green bell pepper, cucumbers, honey dijon mustard
- strip of raw fruit leather
- Denny's: iced tea, boca burger patty with lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, honey mustard, side salad of lettuce, tomatoes and cucumbers with honey mustard and pepper, plain baked potato with honey mustard and pepper, side of grapes
- iced tea

Exercise: .9 mile walk with the pups at Wilson Park, 3.10 mile walk on the treadmill at the gym (actually jogged about 1/2 mile of that), 10 minutes in the dry sauna

January 25, 2006

Few snags at work today, but otherwise another very productive day.

Went to my monthly Women in Networking lunch meeting at the Embassy Suites. I was very outgoing today, unusually outgoing and vivacious. Someone recently told me the "old Michelle that we know and love" is coming back. I think they're right. Something interesting about the lunch today - the talk was on heart health and the MD that spoke focused completely on the importance of a mainly "Mediterranean" diet, lots of greens, tiny amounts of meat, primarily fish, lots of veggies, lots of fruit and lots of juice. She basically advocated a high raw diet, it was great! I saw all these women taking notes at my table, and it was wonderful to realize that I was doing so much of what she said and definitely reaping the benefits. I kept my mouth shut to the women at the table though, because I still don't feel my body accurately reflects what the raw food diet can make happen. They don't know where I came from, so I'm afraid they would see a "fat" woman and not understand how incredible raw, healthy vegan eating really is.

After work, took the dogs for another walk, our Tuesday-Thursday ritual now.

Had a snack and planned to go to the gym immediately so I could get to bed early tonight. However, I ended up spending more than an hour talking with a friend about food issues, weight loss, eating disorders, society's training of our own body images, and how the scale numbers affect our relationship to food and our body.

I finally got to the gym around 9 pm, and had another kickass workout, actually my best so far. I decided I wanted to make some short term goals for my workouts, and one was that I want to be able to run a mile without stopping. So tonight, I started "training" myself for it, by walking a tenth of a mile, then running a tenth of a mile, then walking, then running and so on until I had the full 2 miles completed. I didn't break the pattern once, which means I did 2 miles in 26 minutes, a new record for me. When I walked, I went 3.8 mph, and when I ran, I went 5.4 to 6 mph, varying the speed depending on how fast I felt I could go. It was a tremendous rush for me, and I got off the treadmill with a huge sense of accomplishment. I'm going to try to do that as many times during the week as I can, until I can up it to walk a quarter mile, run a quarter mile. I'm NOT going to put pressure on myself to do it every single day, but I will do it when I can (not going to set myself up for failure - past mistakes). On a side note, I was not disgusted when I looked at myself in the mirror after I got off the treadmill, and I was even wearing a tighter shirt tonight than I normally would dare wear. I had a nice dry sauna session afterwards and for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel shameful to sit in the sauna with another person, worrying they would be grossed out to look at me. That may sound shocking to some of you, but to others, I bet you get what I'm saying. I have had such low self esteem about my looks, that I've often looked away from people, looked down, or tried to hide myself so that people didn't have to make eye contact with me and acknowledge my obesity or ugliness. I really want to work through that on an emotional level with a professional one day, but for now, working through it on a physical level will have to do.

When I left the gym tonight, I was on a high and I was dying for some orange juice. I didn't think I was hungry, but when I got to the grocery store, I saw some canned organic fire-roasted vegetable soup that looked heavenly. Suddenly I was starving. I guzzled 1/3 of the 64 oz bottle on the way home, drank another 1/3 while I was cooking the soup, and another 1/4 of it while I ate the soup. I have a bit left, but man I was craving some juice!!! The soup was really good, even though I would have liked to avoid eating this late. Oh well, at least I chose healthy!

Look at this super quote! For me it's reminding me that even though I want those 33 pounds to disappear immediately, going to the gym and choosing to eat healthy one day at a time, IS making something happen, which will eventually make EVERYTHING happen.

"We cannot do everything at once but we can do something at once."
– Calvin Coolidge

Food Intake:
- Chick-fil-A iced tea
- Embassy Suites: almost finished a plate of mixed greens and romaine salad with black olives, tomatoes, cucumbers with honey mustard dressing, almost finished a plate of steamed mixed veggies with mashed potatoes, several glasses of iced tea
- bowl of 1 banana with 1 c. pecans and raisins
- glass of iced tea
- about 52 oz of commercial orange juice, not from concentrate
- bowl of organic fire-roasted southwestern vegetable soup

Exercise: .9 mile walk with the pups at Wilson Park, 2 mile walk/run on the treadmill at the gym in 26 minutes, 10 minutes in the dry sauna

January 26, 2006

Quick rundown of the day (it's 3:00 in the morning and I've got to get to bed)...

Good day at work, ate Thai for lunch and felt a tinge of guilt, since it was stir-fry, not steamed veggies. It was damn good though and I passed on the steamed rice with the main course and the sticky rice (sweet, delicious treat) with my mango.

Took the pups for a walk after work, even though it was super cloudy out and cold. Ran into a friend at the park, and we discussed going to dinner. She said she wanted Mexican and I paused, showing that I wasn't eating like that now. She asked if I was eating "clean" now, and I said yea, pretty much, though I had stir-fry veggies for lunch. My idea of "clean" eating and her idea of "clean" eating are different. Clean to me means no bread, no eggs, no cheese, no pasta, no rice, no milk. As long as it's veggies, fruit or nuts, I'm in. I don't do the battered and fried stuff, but Thai, I consider to be quite healthy and "clean." Anyway, needless to say, I passed on dinner.

Went to Outback Steakhouse instead, for my "usual," but chose a sweet potato instead of a baked potato. I didn't finish it, as it was more of a healthy decision than a craving one. But I felt better knowing I was at least eating a healthy starch.

After dinner, I went to Wal-Mart and spent too much money on beauty products and other "please-buy-me-even-though-you-can't-afford-me-because-I'll-make-you-think-your-teeth-are-whiter-your-skin-is-smoother-your-pores-are-smaller-your-breath-is-fresher-your-calouses-are-softer-your-hair-is-shinier-your-moods-are-better-your-feet-smell-sweeter" items. What IS it about Wal-Mart that makes us spend money we don't have???? I swear the lights have radiation or some shit in them, and we're becoming a bunch of over-spending drones.

Had a really good workout, but ironically, I didn't even jog once. Walked really really fast though and got back on the treadmill for another mile at an incline. I even turned around and checked out my butt in the mirror and DIDN'T fall off the treadmill! (Actually, some guy walking in front of me checked out my butt in the mirror and I panicked and had to see what he saw.)

Watched a previously recorded Biggest Loser Special Family Edition late tonight and was reminded why I love that show. No matter if I agree with the nutrition advice the participants get, I love to see them working out, feeling good about themselves, and that wonderful moment when they hear their weight loss. It was especially heartening to see Emily, the teen who is teased at school for her obesity, lose some crazy amount of weight in only 10 days. Good for her!

Ok, night all...

Food Intake:
- Chick-fil-A iced tea
- some dried fruit, walnuts, banana
- Thai Kitchen: stir-fry veggies with cashews/peanuts, salad with house dressing, fresh mango, iced tea
- iced tea
- 12 oz commercial, not from concentrate orange juice
- 1/2 c. pecans
- taste test of some raw pecan/almond/honey cookie-like thing I made and some of the raw chocolate candy
- Outback Steakhouse: iced tea, salad with tomatoes and cucumbers, pepper and honey mustard dressing, steamed veggies with honey mustard dressing, 1/2 sweet potato
- iced tea

Exercise: .9 mile walk with the pups at Wilson Park, 2 mile walk on the treadmill at the gym going 4.0 mph, 1.10 mile walk on the treadmill at an incline of 2 going 3.5 mph, 100 crunches in various positions, stretching, 10 minutes in the dry sauna

January 27, 2006

Took the pups for a walk today, but other than that, had a relatively quiet, uneventful day.

I had planned to work out this evening. In fact, I had my bag packed and my workout clothes on when the phone rang and a friend invited me to dinner and a movie.

We went to East Buffet, which is a place I pass every day and is always packed, but I've never tried. It was pretty good, and had a bar that was similar to Mongolian BBQ in Austin, a place I used to go a lot when I lived there. I didn't have any sauce put on, but then I didn't enjoy it quite as much as the green beans and mushrooms on the regular buffet. I was able to pass some of my old favorites, stuffed mushrooms, fried cheese sticks, pizza (on an Indian buffet?!), coconut macaroons, ice cream cones and rice pudding. One of the nastiest things I've seen, and actually one of the saddest, was the baby octopus on the buffet. They were literally tiny little octopus (is it octupi if it's plural?), and I wanted to cry - and vomit, both at the same time. I can not fathom that people can eat that. Something new I tried tonight was longans, on the fruit bar. I actually ate it and THEN asked what it was. I got some of a smaller fruit too, and figured one of the two was lychee, but I wasn't exactly sure which. The waiter, who spoke minimal English, had to go ask someone for the American name for the Chinese fruit. The longans were stuffed with pineapple, and had a very strange texture, sort of oyster like (I would imagine, as I haven't actually ever eaten an oyster). Anyway, it didn't have a strong taste, but I liked it, especially with the pineapple. Another first for my Highlights page.

Anyway, I ate quite a bit of the green beans and mushrooms, and fruit, but not too much of everything else. I still felt stuffed afterwards. Oh and I chose iced water instead of iced tea with my dinner, as I've grown aware of the increased level of iced tea I'm drinking. It's my one "vice," but I don't want to get too out of control for too long with it. I'll try to drink it when I make it at home (decaf) and when I'm at my favorite tea places.

We went to see Brokeback Mountain after dinner. Oh wow, not much I can say, other than you'd be a fool not to go see this movie. Really really wonderful. I'm so grateful to have not been alone when seeing this movie, though. It's a tear-jerker, completely deserving of the Golden Globe awards it won.

Thought I'd share this smoothie idea from an emailer:
"blend together 2 bananas, handful of frozen strawberries, dried dates and water. Sometimes I add mango or kiwi or carob powder or whatever. If you add more water it is like a drink, if less - it is something pudding like."

Interesting discussion that someone emailed me. Thought others might like to read it, too.
http://www.vegsource.com/talk/raw/messages/12065.html

Food Intake:
- banana with 1/2 c. pecans
- glass of iced tea
- piece of raw chocolate cookie/candy
- bowl of organic vegetarian chili with organic diced tomatoes, red onion and added Morningstar "chicken" strips
- piece of raw chocolate cookie/candy
- East Buffet: ice water (instead of tea!), some Mongolian-style grilled veggies (no sauce), lots of stir-fry green beans and marinated mushrooms, bite of a pickle off the salad bar, plate of pears, pineapple, lychee, longans, mandarin oranges
- Arsaga's: 2 small cups of coffee with soy milk and honey
- piece of raw chocolate cookie/candy

Exercise: .9 mile walk with the pups at Wilson Park

January 28, 2006

Rained all day today. Dogs didn't get to go for a walk. I worked out at the gym, but had little to no energy. I barely was able to walk at 3.4 mph. Not sure why, but I just decided that I'd walk slower, but walk 3 miles at an incline. I was so exhausted, possibly depressed. Anyway, I did the best I could. I ran a few errands and decided I was hungry, really hungry. I wanted a lot of food, and not to be limited by a menu. I decided on Golden Corral, and now I know I'm not ready to go free reign to a buffet place like that. I was angry watching the literally hundreds of people overindulging in fried, fatty, southern-cooked foods and desserts, breads, and such. I wanted to pig out like they were. I wanted to eat rolls and fried stuff and carrot cake. Mostly I wanted the cheese pizza and mashed potatoes I saw on one of the buffets. Without too much thought, I did get one piece of cheese pizza and some mashed potatoes (which were very creamy, so I'm sure full of milk or cream). I feel horribly about my decision, but have to acknowledge I did it. I can not go to Golden Corral right now by myself. Period. I will not beat myself up any longer than I already have this evening. I will let it go and focus on the positive actions I have taken and will continue to take. (It's possible that I was self-sabotaging since tomorrow is my weigh day.)

Oh and I was able to drink one glass of decaf iced tea and one glass of caf iced tea all day/evening. That was a huge accomplishment for me.

Food Intake:
- 2 strips of homemade, raw fruit leather (apples, bananas, tangelos)
- bowl of organic vegetarian chili (see yesterday's food intake)
- glass of iced tea
- 2 pieces of raw cookie/chocolate candy
- 20 oz Aquafina bottled water
- few pecans
- Golden Corral: corn, carrots, mashed potatoes, steamed veggies, marinated mushrooms, caesar salad with black olives, raisins, sunflower seeds, a piece of cheese pizza, iced water
- 2 pieces of raw cookie/chocolate candy
- 1 piece of raw cookie/chocolate candy with 1 banana and some more pecans
- Chick-fil-A iced tea

Exercise: 3 mile walk on the treadmill in 47 minutes at an incline of 1 going 3.4 mph, stretching, 10 minutes in the dry sauna

January 29, 2006

Weighed this morning. It's strange, because I weigh sometimes at the gym in the evenings, fully clothed with heavy tennis shoes after I've eaten all day long and I've weighed 250 the last several days. Yet this morning, at home, with no clothes and no shoes on, before I've eaten and after I've gone to the bathroom, I weighed 251. I really hate how radically different scales can be. I'm listing my weight at 251, but I truly believe I'm weighing under 250 now. Oh well, hopefully next week the scale will reward me with a lower number. I need to take my 1 month pictures on Tuesday. I might take them tomorrow instead, since I'm off of work and can take them during the day.

Met a friend for breakfast this morning at Atlanta Bread Company. I wanted the egg and cheese croissant that she had, but ordered a yummy, though slightly less satisfying fruit smoothie instead.

I took the dogs for a walk at Wilson Park, then ran by Wendy's to pick up a quick bite to eat before I was to pick up another friend for an afternoon at the lake. We bought tickets to the Belle of the Ozarks Eagle Watch guided boat tour on Beaver Lake. We were out on the boat for two hours and saw about a dozen bald eagles. It was a lot of fun and I was glad I made the reservations. It's one of those things people say they'd love to do, but never end up doing it.

After the boat thing, we met up with another of her friends at Racha Thai for dinner. It was delicious and I avoided the steamed rice and deep-fried tofu. I ate with chopsticks only at the urging of my friend. I've never been good at using chopsticks, but like she said, the best way to learn is to have no utensils to eat with, OTHER than chopsticks. It worked, and I ate just fine with them. Neat.

I'm exhausted from this very busy, very eventful, very people-oriented day. Going to try to go to bed early tonight. (Oh also probably tired, cause I only had one glass of caffeinated iced tea today - good for me!)

Food Intake:
- Atlanta Bread Company: pineapple-banana-mango smoothie, iced tea
- Wendy's: baked potato with chives and butter (oopsie), side salad with low-fat honey mustard dressing, pepper, water
- small packet of dry roasted almonds
- shared a packet of roasted sunflower seeds and a few swigs of water
- Racha Thai: 3 halves of fresh salad rolls with peanut sauce, plate of stir-fry mixed veggies in bean sauce with added cashews, 2 pieces of steamed tofu - didn't eat the rest out of my plate of veggies, about 7 glasses of water (wow, I'm doing well with the water intake!)
- large piece of raw cookie/chocolate candy with 1 banana and almonds, several pieces of raw fruit leather
- glass of decaf iced tea

Exercise: .9 mile walk with the pups at Wilson Park

Weight: 251 pounds

January 30, 2006

Woke up this morning with a very strange thing happening with my eyes. I don't know how to describe it, but at the edges of my eyeballs, especially at the far, lower parts, there was this quivering, twitching thing - like like a physical twitch, but like my vision was "fluttering." It was strange. I wore my contacts all day yesterday, so maybe it was because of that, since I usually wear glasses. I don't know. But it was weird. I went back to bed for a few hours and then it finally went away. Freaked me out though.

I was very depressed today, and finally got out of bed and took the dogs for a walk. That wasn't enough, so I went to the gym for a workout. I'm so tired and could barely keep up when I'd have the treadmill going 3.7 mph. The energy I had last week to two weeks ago has disappeared. I think I'm hitting another level in my grief process, as well as another level on my health journey.

I didn't end up taking pictures today, so I'm going to try to get them done tomorrow after work, if I have enough light. I might even try to take them at work, if I have a chance over lunch.

Went to Racha Thai for dinner again tonight. Was craving it again after last night. Spent the rest of the evening at home working on my jewelry and watching movies.

Food Intake:
- 1/2 glass decaf iced tea
- few pieces of raw fruit leather
- banana with 2/3 c. raw almonds
- 1/2 glass decaf iced tea
- orange
- handful pecans
- can of sliced peaches in fruit juice
- small piece of raw cookie/chocolate candy
- Racha Thai: 3 fresh salad rolls with peanut sauce, and some extra peanut sauce, plate of stir-fry mixed veggies in bean sauce with added cashews, no tofu, no steamed rice, iced tea
- water
- some pecans and a medium piece of raw cookie/chocolate candy

Exercise: .9 mile walk with the pups at Wilson Park, 3.1 mile walk on the treadmill at the gym at .5 incline in 53 minutes at 3.5-3.7 mph, 100 ab crunches in various positions, 10 minutes in the dry sauna

January 31, 2006

Massively cooked day today. I didn't eat horribly, but certainly not ideal. I am having cooked cravings right now. Could I be PMSing? I started on the 11th of January, so I'd be early if I AM PMSing. I just like to blame my cravings on my period.

Had a rough day and went with a friend to lunch. My rough day continued after work, so I took the dogs to the park for a walk. Still nothing - I finally resigned myself to needing a good 12-step meeting, so I hauled butt up north to make one by 7:00 pm. On the way, I went through the Wendy's drive thru and picked up a baked potato. I knew one baked potato would not be enough, but I figured I'd get something after the meeting. The meeting went really well - actually the meeting itself sucked, but what I was able to say and actually HEAR myself say helped immensely. I hate that I didn't get to exercise at the gym tonight, but did the best I could with the time I had.

I didn't get pictures taken today, and doubt I'll be able to get any done tomorrow or even Thursday as my work schedule is very crazy. I'm going to try to do it tomorrow morning, but I'm doubtful. Definitely Friday, since I'm off.

Food Intake:
- nothing until 12:30 pm
- Thai Kitchen: 2 fresh salad rolls with peanut sauce, plate of stir-fry mixed veggies with no tofu and added cashews, small plate of fresh mango (no sticky rice), iced tea, refill of iced tea
- Wendy's: baked potato with 1 pad of butter, large iced tea
- Wendy's: spring mix salad with a bit of Honey Mustard, then looked at fat, so changed to Caesar; another baked potato with chives, pepper, and a pat of butter; medium diet coke, 1/2 medium iced tea

Exercise: .9 mile walk with the pups at Wilson Park

February 1, 2006

I started my pattern again today. I went to the same place for lunch and dinner. When I get into something I go gung-ho with it until I find something else. Subway was it today. I had them add a cut up veggie patty to a garden salad and had the Chipotle Southwestern Sauce to make it like a taco salad. I had weaned off that more fattening dressing last year, but guess I craved it again today. I'll probably work my way through that phase as well.

No pictures yet. Got home too late. Tomorrow night will be the same deal. It will be Friday before I can get new pics uploaded. I hate that I didn't get to go to the gym tonight. Same tomorrow night, I'm sure. The walks with the pups just don't do it. Suki, my Chihuahua, is stopping to pee every five seconds lately. Makes our walks quite slow and rather pointless in the exercise arena.

Great quote that I can REALLY use in my grief work right now.

"He who cannot change the very fabric of his thought will never be able to change reality."
- Anwar al-Sadat

I have the following two books left for sale. Would love to move these out of my inventory if someone could use them. Paypal only please. Prices do not include shipping.

Book: Conscious Eating
Author: Gabriel Cousens M.D.
Price: $20 (Nature's First Law sells these for $35 each)
Quantity Available: 1

Book: Naked Chocolate
Author: David Wolfe and Shazzie
Price: $15 (Nature's First Law sells these for $24.95)
Quantity Available: 1

Food Intake:
- Chick-fil-A iced tea
- handful raw almonds, several raw fruit leathers
- Subway: salad with a veggie patty (spinach, iceberg, tomatoes, black olives, pickles, green bell pepper, Chipotle Southwestern Sauce), medium diet coke, medium iced tea
- Subway: salad with a veggie patty (spinach, iceberg, tomatoes, carrots, black olives, pickles, green bell pepper, Chipotle Southwestern Sauce), water
- handful raw pecans
- large glass of commercial, not from concentrate orange juice

Exercise: long walk with the pups around the neighborhood (will drive it tomorrow and figure out how far we went)

February 2, 2006

Moods were up and down today. Bright and early this morning I was in a great mood. Then the first part of the workday I was in a horrible mood (job-related issues). My mood was better the last half of the workday as I threw myself in to my tasks and managed to get quite a lot done. Mood was fine in a board meeting after work. Mood was super when I was on my way home to start my long weekend. Mood went south when I put all the puzzle pieces together surrounding Suki's (my Chihuahua) constant peeing on our walks and her endless getting up in the middle of the night, not to mention the few accidents she's had lately. She's got a bladder infection. Dammit. I feel like a shit-head mother. When I went back to work after vacation and moving to Fayetteville (mid January), the dogs had to stay in their crate from 7:15 am until 4:45 pm, while I was in Bentonville (45 minute drive) working. I think her having to hold it so long caused some cystitis or other bladder infection. Anyway, long story longer, I have some things to figure out in regard to this new living/working situation. It's not working for me, and obviously not for my pets. I'll be looking at some life changes in order to suit both my babies and myself.

Had Subway again for lunch today. Not having worked out the last few days, I'm feeling a bit chunkier than normal, actually I should just say chunky....cause I had been feeling quite fit til a few days ago. I'm going to the gym tomorrow for sure, after I take care of Suki and have lunch at Schlotzsky's (won a free lunch with their business card bowl)...Will take pictures tomorrow too.

Have I mentioned how glad I am this work-week is over? I'm soooo ready for some ME time. It's going to be a good weekend, I can feel it.

Food Intake:
- Chick-fil-A iced tea
- snacked on roasted/salted sunflower seeds and raisins throughout the morning
- Subway: salad with a veggie patty (spinach, iceberg, tomatoes, black olives, pickles, carrots, green bell pepper, Chipotle Southwestern Sauce), small iced tea
- 16 oz bottled water (at the board meeting)
- snacked on a banana and roasted/salted sunflower seeds on my way home from the meeting tonight
- bowl of canned low-fat organic vegan minestrone soup with added frozen corn and green beans, rest of iced tea from lunch/breakfast
- milkshake: soy milk with frozen bananas and some of the raw cookie/chocolate candy treat
- 2 spoonfuls of roasted/salted sunflower seeds and dried fruit

Exercise: long walk with the pups around the neighborhood (forgot to drive it today, will drive it tomorrow and figure out how far we went)

February 3, 2006

Today was spent focusing on Suki. I got her into the vet and she does indeed have a urinary tract infection. I'm glad I took her in and she's on her way to recovering. Sometimes I can be so blinded by my own pain, that I don't even notice the very important things in my life - the things that need me. That really upset me today and hopefully I'll get my shit together and start living again.

I had a free lunch coming from Schlotzsky's, so I went by after the vet and picked up soup and salad. The tomato bisque is definitely a cream-based soup, but it was really yummy and I did enjoy it immensely. I got the caesar salad because it's served with romaine lettuce instead of iceberg, but got a honey dijon dressing instead of the caesar. The salad did have some kind of a romano or parmesan cheese on it and I didn't even attempt to pick it off.

I went to the gym late this afternoon/early evening and had a really good workout. I pushed myself on the treadmill, upping the incline to 5 when I got to 2.5 miles, but I guess a combination of my weight, the speed, the incline and the age of the machines, caused the treadmill to overheat and basically break. I had to let the manager know and then move to another treadmill to finish the 4 miles I'd committed myself to. Afterwards, I felt great and went to the open room to work on abdominals. I saw some girls doing crunches on the exercise ball, so I decided to do the same. Shit, it was hard! I figured it would be easier than standard crunches. Not at all. I was only able to do 40 crunches, whereas I normally would do 100. I then did some arm pulls on a weight machine, but couldn't figure out how to move the weight pin, so I ended up doing 2 sets of 10 reps at a weight much much higher than I really should have. My back on the left side is absolutely killing me tonight. I definitely strained something. I had a great dry sauna session ending my workout and drank a ton of water. I felt super and had a relaxing shower before I left. (Missing a workout the last several nights didn't do any damage to the way my body is transforming. I looked at myself in the mirror and was very pleased to see my legs and butt slimming even more so. Oh, one interesting thing that happened tonight at the gym. I was on the treadmill and kept looking in the mirror to the left of me. I kept thinking that I looked really huge and disgusting, and was so upset that I felt I looked worse than my beginning of January pictures. Then at one point I was walking nearer to the back of the treadmill and happened to look over again. Suddenly, I looked slimmer and better than the fives minutes prior. I was confused, until I finally figured out that there was a line where two mirrors connected and what I was seeing was half of my body in one and half in the other, but a separation where the line was, so I looked wider than I actually was...kind of like a funhouse mirror. Wasn't fun when it was happening, but once I realized what I was really seeing, I was thrilled with the actual reflection. It made me realize how skewed thinking or visualization can make me think negative thoughts about myself.)

I wanted to get some fresh salad rolls and peanut sauce from Racha Thai, but had committed to eating at home, since I bought a bunch of healthy soups at the grocery store the other night. I ran by Harp's Grocery to pick up a few produce items and another box of vegetarian chili mix to have in case I wanted something even more substantial than soup this weekend.

Something I haven't written about in a while is my current supplement/vitamin/medicine intake. Just in case people wonder what I'm currently taking - here it is.

1 One-a-Day Women's Multi-Vitamin
1 Maca capsule
3-4 MSM capsules
1 1000mcg B-12 tablet
2 St. John's Wort capsules
1 40mg Celexa tablet

Aside from Suki's sickness, I had a really good day today - taking care of myself, focusing on things *I* wanted to do for myself and spending quality time alone. My goal for this weekend is to stop trying to fill my time with other people and to just go with the flow, doing what I want/need to do for myself, and only spending time with others when the Universe puts them in my path. And so, this quote summarizes what I'm focusing on today.

"Choices are the hinges of destiny."
- Pythagoras

PS No pictures today. Too involved in my baby's recovery to think about photos. Tomorrow.

Food Intake:
- roasted/salted sunflower seeds and dried fruit, 3/4 banana
- glass of iced tea
- Schlotzsky's: bowl of tomato bisque soup, bowl of caesar salad, but not with caesar dressing - honey dijon instead, glass of iced tea
- 30 oz water (at the gym)
- swig of commercial, not from concentrate orange juice
- 1 piece of raw cookie/chocolate candy with roasted/salted sunflower seeds and dried fruit
- 1/2 glass of iced tea
- navel orange, handful raw pecans
- can of organic fire roasted southwestern vegetable soup, can of organic vegetable soup
- 1/2 glass of iced tea
- 3 pieces of raw cookie/chocolate candy

Exercise: 4 mile walk on the treadmill at the gym (2.5 miles at an incline of 2 and it took 38 minutes; 1.5 miles at an incline of 3-4 and it took 24 minutes); 40 crunches on exercise ball; 20 reps on arm pulls weight machine; 10 minutes in the dry sauna

February 4, 2006

I did exactly what I said I was going to do. I didn't call anyone for company yesterday or today. And the Universe took care of things for me. I was doing my own thing, and suddenly I received a call early this afternoon from a friend wanting to go to lunch. We went to Thep Thai, a restaurant I hadn't been to before. I like Racha better, but that didn't stop my overeating tendencies from kicking in. I ended up ordering another order of fresh salad rolls, even after the first order AND an entree. I rarely fill sick or full after normal Thai eating, but today I was hurting. I guess I was emotional eating, though I felt really content all morning, so I'm not exactly sure why I overate. After lunch, we went for a walk at the park to move our full bodies.

Later I had a great workout by myself. I had decided that it was most important to stop focusing so much on walking for a certain period of time (like 45 minutes or 1 hour) or for a certain distance (3 or 4 miles). I had decided it would be best to focus on working hard, with more intensity for a shorter period of time. No luck. I STILL can not get my heart rate above 73, even at an incline of 6 AND going 3.8-4.0 mph. I've heard of other people who are able to get their heart rate up, and I KNOW they aren't walking as fast (or even jogging, which I do several times throughout my walks on the treadmill) or at the incline I was going today. I'm sweating and breathing heavy and yet, still my body responds like I'm a corpse on a couch eating a bag of potato chips. It's so irritating.

While I was working out, I got a call from two other friends asking me to go out to dinner. I figured, "Ok, this is the Universe telling me it's ok to spend time with other people." So I had a quick shower and ran home to get ready. Met them at Outback and had a really nice dinner. We talked about healthy eating, food choices, nutritional facts and such, as they are working to change their health and recently diagnosed illnesses through diet. Sometimes I feel so badly for people who are coming from a Standard American Diet (SAD) and trying to make the transition to a less processed, less preserved, less crap cooked diet. I mean they are bombarded with facts, advice, opinions and myths from dozens of different people - western medical doctors, nutrionists, naturopaths, health food co-ops, countless internet websites, newspaper articles, endless television shows, and then of course, people like me, just doing what we're doing, not being extremists, but trying to be more aware of what we put into our bodies. It's enough to make these people just throw up their hands and say, "Pass me a bag of doritos, please. This isn't worth it." I just kept telling them this - It's all about healthier choices, taking baby steps. Do one thing today that is a better choice than you made yesterday. If you ate white bread yesterday, eat whole wheat today, then switch to nine-grain all natural next week. If you drank cow's milk yesterday, drink goat's milk today and maybe even soy milk next week. If you ate orange cheese (American, Cheddar) yesterday, eat white cheese (Mozzarella, Provolone) today, and then maybe soy cheese next week or even next month. This is what *I* believe people "should" (hate that word) do in order to acclimate to the changes, and not feel deprived or overwhelmved. I also said to not try to think of everything as something that's supposed to taste like the "original." Wasa or Kashi crackers are light years better than Ritz or Club crackers, but they WILL taste different. Don't try to see them as the cracker you're used to - just see them as different, a new experience.

Another discussion we had was the high fat content of nuts. One of my friends kept saying she was reviewing the fat content of the various nuts and isn't that bad, to eat something with that much fat? I was quick to point out that while raw nuts do have fat, they have the healthy fat that our bodies can use and need, just like avocados do. I went on to say that given their typical diet of doritos and ice cream, this type of fat is not going to impact them nearly the way those types of saturated fats did. This is the point in my blog where I address the irony most SAD people portray. They never had a fear of fat or disease when eating crap, but suddenly now that they are changing to a healthier lifestyle, all of the "bad" stuff becomes crucial. I almost always laugh inside when this discussion comes up with people...but REALLY there must be something to this, if so many people go through it. I just can not be that dogmatic about this. I mean how can anyone question the visual impact of healthy eating? I lost 80 pounds on a high raw/healthy vegan cooked diet. I didn't weigh my nuts, I didn't count calories, I didn't read fat grams or worry about too many starches or whatnot. I just ate what I felt was healthier, gut-level choices. I think we all have this instinctive nature about us whether we want to face it or not. We all know when we order a salad, if we get a rich creamy sauce, it's probably dairy based; if we get cheese and croutons and bacon bits, it's diminishing the benefits of the salad as a whole. If we order a baked potato, EVEN though a white potato isn't as healthy as a sweet potato, it's still light years better to eat one with chives only than one with sour cream, butter, cheese and bacon. It's a level of common sense that so many people want to pretend they don't have. Yikes, step down from the soap box, Michelle. Oh the only other thing I'll say is, so many people say soy isn't great either, that people should stay away from soy milk and cheese etc. Yes, ideally (IDEALLY!) we would not eat anything that doesn't come straight out of the ground and right into our mouths. But for most Americans, and for almost ALL of the people I know here in Northwest Arkansas, this is about taking the next step to a healthier choice. I don't know many people who would disagree with me that a cup of soy milk on your cereal is better than a cup of cow's milk. Come on people, let's do the best we can and stop expecting perfection from a society that has been trained to eat the shit that stores and commercialism sell us.

Back to your regularly scheduled blog --- During dinner, the friend I met for lunch called and we decided to go have tea at Arsaga's. We had a nice time and the cashier suggested a new type of tea for me to try. It was a Republic of Tea black tea called Lapsang Souchong, which I now will refer to as a Cup of Campfire. It was really good, but really bizarre. It literally tasted like I was drinking a bonfire at one of lesbian music festivals I camped at years ago. So strange the flavors companies come up with. After tea, she came back to my house. The new house she just bought is having some wall stripping done, so the strong odors are too much for her to take, so she stayed the night with me. We watched the movie "Set It Off" and fell asleep around 11:30 pm.

Great day, so proud of the progress I'm making. (Picture day tomorrow, I PROMISE!!! Was barely home for an hour today.)

Food Intake:
- 2 navel oranges, banana
- glass of iced tea
- Thep Thai: 2 orders of fresh salad rolls with peanut sauce, plate of stir-fry mixed veggies with cashews and a few bites of tofu, lots of water
- 2 pieces of raw cookie/chocolate candy, piece of raw fruit leather
- Outback Steakhouse: salad with tomatoes and cucumbers with honey mustard, side of steamed veggies, iced tea
- Arsaga's Coffee Shop: pot of Lapsang Souchong Black Tea with soy milk and honey
- glass of iced tea

Exercise: .9 mile walk with the pups and a friend at Wilson Park, 1.5 mile walk on the treadmill at the gym at an incline of 6 at 3.8 mph, 10 minutes in the dry sauna

February 5, 2006

I went to church (gay church, for those wondering) this morning, sitting with the friend who had invited me. Came home afterwards and made some hot lunch. It's really cold here and looks like snow tomorrow.

Finally got my monthly raw pictures taken and uploaded. I can definitely see a difference in my skin from last month, as well as my double chin. I also weighed this morning. 250 pounds. 16.5 pounds weight loss. I started my period today, so that explains the abundance of cooked food I've been eating (as well as the lack of weight loss) though I'm really making quite healthy choices considering I was obviously PMSing the last week. I didn't end up going to the gym today or the park, it's just too cold for me and overcast. Blah day outside.

Stayed home all day today (after church) and really enjoyed my time by myself. I added books to the raw books list, lots of links to the raw links list, recorded a bunch of DVDs, and snacked all day long. I did some laundry, made a fire in the fireplace, snuggled with the dogs, organized some paperwork and computer files, and wrote a letter, that I don't intend to send (grief work).

This evening I had a massive attack of cooked-crap cravings. I wanted pizza or a veggie burger and fries. I wanted ice cream, nachos. I ALMOST got in the car and went to get one of those things. I'm glad it was cold outside - that kept me indoors and I ate what I had here. I had vegetarian chili out of the box (Fantastic Foods brand) and tonight had a milkshake made out of frozen bananas, soy milk, mesquite powder, and almond extract. I was glad I didn't give in to those crappy cravings, especially since I didn't work out today, and already feel a bit ick.

Food Intake:
- small piece of raw cookie/chocolate candy
- small bowl organic vegan potato leek soup, 2 small bowls vegetarian chili with diced organic tomatoes, yellow onion, frozen corn, glass of iced tea
- handful raw pecans
- large glass of commercial, not from concentrate orange juice
- large bowl vegetarian chili
- glass of iced tea
- bowl of in-shell raw almonds
- milkshake: frozen bananas, soy milk, mesquite powder, almond extract
- 2 navel oranges

Exercise: Nothing

Weight: 250 pounds

February 6, 2006

Woke up feeling fine and ready to get going on my last day of the weekend before work. Then suddenly I got super depressed, first time since Thursday. I freaked out a bit and took off for a walk with the dogs. Ended up going for a hike instead and that definitely helped, got my adrenaline up and being out in the woods in nature really cleared my head.

Took myself out to dinner at Racha Thai. I must stop going there. It is way too expensive for me to be eating there except for special occasions (actually a friend wants to go there Friday, but other than that, I need to stop!). I can get a full salad with a veggie patty at Subway for 1/4 of what I pay for dinner at Racha. (Oh the owner talks to me every single time about my diet and tonight she asked to see my before picture. I actually have my before and current picture in my day planner, so I pulled it out. On the spot, she "committed" to stopping the crap cooked foods. She talked to me throughout my meal, even though I was on the cell phone the whole time AND I was trying to eat. She was very enthusiastic about it, but obviously hesitant to "give up" the bad stuff. She said she would start tomorrow, giving up the dairy, bread, pasta and rice, well, "other than a small bowl of rice each day for energy." She asked if "that is ok?" I laughed and said she can do whatever she wants - the less crap she eats, the faster she will see results. She was so sweet and said she wants to be and look like me. I laughed again, as I noticed a couple of frat boys checking me out, and probably wondering what the hell it was she wanted to look like?)

After dinner, I was too stuffed to go right to the gym, so I ran by Wal-Mart to pick up some things and by Chick-fil-A for an iced tea. Then I went to the gym. I wasn't really wanting to work out, as I feel like I'm bleeding like a stuck pig right now and knew I'd have to wear a tampon AND a pad to walk, but I went anyway. Was so glad I did. I had a great workout! I used some 3 pound weights from the aerobic room to walk with and my arms were absolutely throbbing when I was done, woohoo!!! I walked between 3.5 and 3.8 for 45 minutes and the time just flew by. I didn't dare do any crunches, as I knew I'd be bleeding all over myself (sorry for the graphics, but it's the truth!) and be so self-conscious and not get much done anyway. I sat in the dry sauna and then had a wonderful refreshing shower. It's like a complete cycle going to the gym. Work my body, sweat in the sauna opening my pores, cleanse everything off, including the day, and walk out feeling like a recharged woman.

That's it for tonight, other than to say I had some killer cravings tonight for pizza or mexican food. My damn period is like my own little devil wishing to carry out evil crap-cooked activities.

PS Suki is doing much better, thank you to everyone for sending such sweet emails about her.

Food Intake:
- banana with almonds, pecans and raisins
- bowl of organic vegan potato leek soup
- glass of iced tea
- Racha Thai: 3 fresh salad rolls with peanut sauce, and some extra peanut sauce, plate of stir-fry mixed veggies in bean sauce with added cashews, no tofu, no steamed rice, iced tea
- Chick-fil-A iced tea
- handful raw pecans
- 2 navel oranges

Exercise: 30 minute hike with the pups down and up the "mountain" in the woods of Mount Sequoyah; 2.64 miles on the treadmill with 3 pound armweights in 45 minutes, 10 minutes in the dry sauna

February 9, 2006

Oh I'm so frustrated. My computer crashed two days ago. I managed to pull SOME of my files off of it, but not nearly enough! Updates will be sporadic at best, until I can get this computer in to a local computer company to try to save some of my files and then sent off to Dell to have them try to fix or replace it. I hate computers. This is the third one I've "gone through" and feel like I'm cursed. Or maybe I just work the poor things too dang hard! Mostly I'm frustrated because out of everyone I know, I take care of my computers incredibly. I do the spam stuff, the virus stuff, the adaware, the defrag, scan disk, disk cleanup, empty recycle bins, clean out my emails, blah blah blah. Argh!!!!

Anyway, enough with that. Update will not include food, as I have not been able to keep my log updated, obviously I normally do this on the computer. I ate well Tuesday and Wednesday, however Wednesday night (last night), I got so frustrated and upset about the computer issues, that I left the house in an attempt to soothe myself with food. I considered mexican, pizza, veggie burgers, etc. but finally decided upon Atlanta Bread Company. I did great except for the banana nut muffin I ate after my soup/salad. Then on the way home I got 2 tortillas at the Taco Bell drive thru. When the guy inquisitively said, "What are you going to do with these?" as he handed them to me, I lied, and said, "I have tacos at home and I'm out of tortillas, and want to make double decker tacos." I didn't want to admit I was having a carb crazed craving and needed some flour in that moment. What a fool he would have thought I was. Actually he probably thought I was a fool anyway. Oh well.

Other than that, folks, I'm just so preoccupied with how much my computer is a part of my life and how great this loss feels to me, that I have nothing else to report. My cell phone also took a nose dive last week and only about half the buttons work. I think I cried too much on it one day and the insides got wet, seriously! Guess the point of all of this is that I'm dedicating too much time to artificial communication, huh?

Take care and I will update everyone's journals as I can get access to other computers while mine is out of service.

PS Journalers, please look at the updates on the website as of right now. If your update is not there, that means I do not currently have access to those emails (downloaded prior to the computer failing). If you can, please resend me your entry. Readers, if you sent me an email that I have NOT responded to, or subscribed to the mailing list and have NOT received a subscription notice, please resend. I'm so sorry to have lost those precious emails.

February 12, 2006

Not to be dramatic, but life has gone from bad to worse. I know everything happens for a reason. Can't wait to realize the reason. Not eating great. Exercising sporadically. Trying to process and figure out what the next chapter of my life is going to look like, and what part I'm going to play as the co-author (the Universe/my Higher Power being the main author).

February 23, 2006

Still here. Got my computer back on Monday with a new hard drive installed. Spent the rest of the week reinstalling Windows, software, and then fighting to get back online. Finally I'm here again. It's weird, on the one hand it was a huge sense of relief and freedom to be forced away from the computer for so long. On the other hand, I felt a huge disconnect, and a loss of the sense of responsbility I had to journaling, being accountable with my eating and exercise, etc. Strange place to be, and I'm honestly not sure how I feel about being back online. Anyway, I will say I'm really inspired by reading about Annette, Shannon and Valerie's successes on their journeys. Way to go girls! You are an inspiration to me!

Went to the gym tonight after nearly a week of being away from it (we got 6 inches of snow last weekend and was snowed in for several days and then honestly felt no urge the rest of the time). I walked 15 minutes at an incline of 4, going 3.5 mph with 3 pound armweights. Then I did 10 minutes in the sauna. That was all I could handle my first day back to the gym.

Life isn't better, but maybe I'm dealing with it better. Have been going to my CoDA meetings and that has helped. "Let go." What a simple, yet impossible task for me.

March 1, 2006

Before I start with big news, let me say that my eating and my exercise have been moderate. Not high raw, but relatively healthy. Not exercising every day, but a few times at the gym this last week and a few times at the park with the dogs. All of that is changing today!

I quit my J.O.B. Gave notice, but as some employers do (the not-so-intelligent-ones I might add), my boss offered me a final paycheck through my promised last day and said I could go. Well I'm not an idiot, if she wants to shoot herself AND the organization in the proverbial foot by not having me finalize things and get them through a busy period, then hell, I'm not going to stay.

So I'm officially a free woman. This is quite a liberating place to be. No job, no relationship, a month-to-month lease in a house I'm sharing. First time in my entire life, that I can do anything. I can stay, I can go. I have a lot to think about, a lot of decisions to make.

(PS Don't think I'm totally without adult-like thought processes. I'm definitely wavering between the wow-I'm-free-and-am-standing-in-front-of-an-open-door-to-millions-of-wonderful-new-exciting-challenging-possibilities-people-and-experiences AND holy-shit-I'm-free-and-scared-as-hell-as-to-what-that-really-means.)

March 7, 2006

I'm doing fantastic!!

Eating really really well. Lots of salads, guacamole, veggies, bananas and apples, nuts, seeds, a few vegan soups, a few handfuls of spelt pretzels or gluten-free corn crisps here and there.

Exercising like a frickin fiend. I can't get enough. I'm pushing myself really hard at the gym, and then walk the dogs every day. I've even started taking some of the gym's free classes, like cardio and ab extreme. My stomach is getting smaller every day. I was down to 249 yesterday, but today I'm at 251. I do believe I'm gaining lots of muscle, and am not concerned about the number. I believe it will start to go down as my body assimilates to the good food and exercise. I feel great!!! My skin is getting clearer (except sometimes the dry sauna does seem to spawn a few small breakouts), but it's way smoother now. My hair is getting shinier and my eyes are getting much brighter. I feel really good too, when I'm looking in the mirror at my body at the gym. It's starting to get smaller and more toned and tight. My stomach will take a lot of work for me to feel good, but my goal is to be in a nice swimsuit by the beginning of summer, and I'm gonna do it!!! I've got to get a picture posted for March this week. I promise I'll work on it.

Life's interesting as usual. I've been taking the last week to contemplate what I want to do next...money wise. I have some great ideas and I'm going to start putting them into action. I'm NOT going back in to the workforce (at least right now). I'm going to work for myself and do what *I* want for a change!

This past weekend I went out for the first time since my relationship ended. I mean really went out. I went to a women's dance here in Fayetteville and then went to a gay nightclub to dance til it closed at 2 am. I went with one straight friend (who's really straight though???) and one lesbian. It was a wild night and we had a blast! 200+ women in one place was something I haven't been used to since I've moved to Northwest Arkansas. I actually met quite a few people, knew more people than I realized I would, and am going to start getting involved in some of the local activities. It's going to be really good for me to get out there again. Scary but very exciting at the same time. Dating is going to be a whole new ball game for me.

Great quotes for me right now.

"Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you're going to do now and do it."
– William C. Durant

"Whether you believe that you can do something or not, you're right." (read this online in some self-help article)

"Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."
– Virginia Satir

Paul Nison came and spoke to our Northwest Arkansas raw group last week. Here are some of the highlights that I took from the seminar.

- Ideal: 75-80% Raw; then the other 20-25% should be two of these four things: Raw, Ripe, Fresh, or Organic

- Juicing - take most nutrition in while using least energy

- Chew thoroughly, less energy used.

- Chew your drinks and drink your foods.

- Blended Soup Recipe: celery, cucumber, spinach, avocado, tomato, lemon

- Monomeals good - one food at a time - simple eating

- Fried foods and using the microwave - take the most energy and give the least nutrition

- Disease is either Deficiency or Detox

- Laziness and constipation are the first two signs of disease.

- Overeating and undersleeping are the two causes of disease.

- Sleeping is another word for healing. Sleep is VERY important.

- Don't eat bad then cleanse. Eat clean, not necessary to cleanse. (Wastes energy)

- Supplementation ok. Stimulation not ok. (yes to MSM, Probiotics and Green Powders, no to Maca and Cacao)

- Too much sugar is one of our biggest problems - watch overconsumption of fruit

- Best to take oils in directly from the fruit/seed/nut. Take olives before olive oil, take avocados before avocado oil, take hemp seeds before hemp seed oil, etc.

- My favorite thing that I heard, is actually something I'm currently doing - SIMPLIFY! Live so that everything you own can fit in your car. "The more we have in life, the more confused we get (the more decisions we have to make)."

Weight: 249 pounds (yesterday), 251 pounds (today)

March 9, 2006

Another wonderf

Michelle's Raw Journey: 2006 Email: michelle at fromsadtoraw dot com (not a clickable link to avoid spammers)

Michelle's Raw Journey:
2006

Email: michelle at fromsadtoraw dot com
(not a clickable link to avoid spammers)